I Would Love Advice with Dealing with an Out of Control Teenage Boy

Being kicked out of school means different things, so you need to qualify your statement. He could be 'kicked out' for 3 days, 7 days, 10 days, or until you come to school to discuss the issue, or maybe worse yet for good because he brought a weapon of some sort to school.

Make good use of the school counselors and go talk with them, face to face, first without your son and then with your son and your husband in attendance. You need to find out what is causing his problems at school and you will probably get a hint of what's troubling him at home.

Most schools will not give him credit for classes if has 10 or more absences in a semester, so being kicked out of school can jeopardize his ability to graduate from high school. All the more reason to go talk with the school to find out the cause of the suspension. Could he be given an in-school suspension? Instead of sending him home (for many kids this is a reward for their bad behavior) they report to a classroom away from other students and doing nothing but reading and working on their studies. No interaction with others, lunches are eaten there, etc.
Teenagers in general are trying to cut 'the apron strings', establishing their own identities, their own routines, but they don't see the big picture and the consequences for alot of their actions. Consequences are not something they like, but they are a reality, such as suspension from school. This is a perfect opportunity to talk with your son about his high school diploma and what he'll be able to do without one, what are his options for employment, continuing education, living arrangements, etc. Most kids don't know the hidden costs of keeping a home together, realize what benefits they get by being your kid, such as health and dental care, cheaper car insurance to mention just a couple. There are consequences to active but ill informed sex life. Many teenage boys are sexually active, and Dad needs to have the consequences talk with him. If he's not going to school, doesn't have a job that can support himself, no health insurance, how will he support a partner, a child? If he were to contract a STD, how will he pay for treatment? and if he got so ill that he couldn't work, where will he get the money to survive?

Your first steps should be to get him back into school and off the streets. So go to school and start asking questions, listening and then work up a plan to get him back to school. The long term consequences of him not graduating from high school are devastating and costly for all involved. Based on what you're told at school, you probably need some family counseling as well. Mental health care is covered by your health insurance is Washington State as we have mental health parity, meaning you can go see a mental health (counselor) practioner for the same co-pay as any other specialist doctor.

I wish you all well.

Oh dear - how painful for you--- there are two suggestions:
what YOU can do --- sit down w/ your husband and make a list of the things he ( your son) comes to you for - does he have a cell you pay for? - does he use a car that you have title to? - etc --- and then take it away-- he is treating you like a convenience he has a '''' right '''''' to -- no, he doesn't. When he protests - say '''those things go with being a member of our family - and you have to '''pay your dues'' to be a member AND GET MEMBER PRIVELEGES -- you'll always be our boy- but right now you have earned nothing- get to it. - go to school or get a job AND follow all laws ( so your friends are something we get to vote on) ''''

THEN--what the law can do for you:
There are two processes that I found out about a few years ago - one is called a CHINS petition- and the other is called an ARY - they are easy and not costly- ( you'd go to your local courthouse to start) - CHINS stands for CHildren In Need of Service - and is for kids who are not going to school- refusing to follow family rules, etc - if the court agrees that one is needed- they'll bring the boy in - show him a list of house rules you have drawn up- and tell him'''' if you break any of these reasonable rulees that your parents have provided- we'll put you in Juvie'''

The ARY stands for At Risk Youth- and is more targeted to kids who have already broken laws ( drinking - loitering- being in a group that steals) --- but the consequences are similar--

Blessings,
J. aka- Old Mom

Seek help immediately...not from someplace like here but from somewhere that you can learn parenting skills that will make a difference. Don't for your sake and your son's sake allow yourself to get sucked into psychotherapy and mood altering drugs. It most likely has nothing to do with him and everything to do with (your going to hate me for this) parenting up to now. Remember kids don't come with an owners manual or instruction so we do the best we can based on what we know or can learn. Nobody is saying that anyone is a poor parent but if your son is acting like this it has to be the result of what he has been raised with and how he thinks he can treat you and act.

I reiterate to get help now...not from the authorities but from somewhere that can help you with this in a real way that can change things for you both. It's a true fact in life that when we change the way we look at things the things we look at change. Concurrently when we change the way we think, speak and act others are changed by it even though we are only changing our selves. I wouldn't suggest it or even say it if I hadn't done it myself...if you want life to change...change your self. It doesn't mean anyone should feel guilty about the past because we did what we did then because that was what we knew to do but when we knew better we did better. It simply is the time for you to 'learn better' which will help you 'do better'.

Good luck to you. This is a critical time to make this change but it's really NEVER too late so don't give up on yourself or your son.

P.S. I've been reading some of the other posts giving advice. I have to say as strongly as I can that this is NOT the time to begin punishing your son by taking away his privileges or his belongings. This will only deepen his hostility toward you. There will be a time for tough love but you should be guided by someone who has some experience in how best to go about it. Just seek professional help, the RIGHT kind of professional help, and let them help you change your relationship with your son which will no doubt change him.

I think both of the advice you got is a good start. From my personal experience I'd say his behavior could stem from so so many things. Some thoughts are :drugs, sexuality, mental illness, bored in school (not challenged), drowning in too much school work (over challenged), not listened too, gang activity, trauma he can't talk about, no boundaries, not enough consequences, etc...
I would try to control and take away his cell phone and computer if he has them and give him options to earn them back.
This is a hard age and time in lots of teens life. Try listening to him. Try to have talks with him where you are totally open to hearing why he was kicked out from his point of view and non judgmentally find out what he enjoys about hanging out at the bus station. It might be hard to hear him without judging, but that will be the way to see where he's at. Be ready to listen when he opens up (3:00am...)
I think counseling with the right type of person (ask him who he'd feel comfortable talking to (younger man, older man, younger woman etc...) could be helpful if he needs to talk to someone neutral.
He needs to feel you're on his side even though he's pushing you away.

I would strongly suggest that you find a professional to help you. I agree with the previous poster that advised to start with his school. Meet a school counselor and ask for help and resources where to get help.

Frankly, most kids don't get suspended one day to the next, so I assume that whatever he is doing has been going on for a while, which leads to the conclusion that you have for a while, been trying to get him under control unsuccessfully.

This is your last chance to act fast and furiously. Getting him help should be your number one priority! Next year he will be 18 and there is nothing you can do to keep him from messing up his life, so the time to act is now!

My sister went through a similar phase around that age and took 12 years to rebound and get her life under control - her children had to suffer some great turmoil in their lives because of it.

Don't continue to try doing this on your own - your family needs professional help. Good luck to all of you.

I have to agree with Judy. CHINS and ARY are a parents best resources when our teenagers are out of control. I have been considering a CHINS for my teenage daughter who feels its alright to hit me and her sister.
The teen years are difficult at best and when they make poor choices it is heartbreaking.

Hang in there! I have a teen who is bipolar and another who is oppositional.

I don't really know what you have tried. However, if you have tried several things and nothing works. You could try looking into "Love and Logic". There is a web site you can start with. This is a parent help web site with books and lessons on CD. There is always military school too.

good luck