I'm a "Wicked-stepmother"

I was named that once. Literally "1 time only"! My stepdaughter did the opposite of what I told her to do. Dad was not around, so she felt like it was ok to defy me. She said to my kids, "you have a mean witch M."! I showed her how much of a witch I could be. All of her favorite things, I took from her. I had a fun day planned. So instead of calling her mom and telling her to pick her up, still took all of the kids to the event, but I made her sit out and watch them have fun. She wanted to call her Dad and tell on me, I did not let her contact him or her mom. He would have just taken her home.

I made her explain what she did was wrong, what she said was not nice, and if she like me before, she has to like me now. I also explained that life is not all fun and games. There will be soome no's. The reason for having the children explain to me, is so that I know they heard and understands me.

Try, "I'm sorry to hear that, but I love you!" and make it sound chipper. That lets him know right off that you don't believe it for a second. Remember that kids test parents. What he said to you was the same as "I hate my M.." I remember saying that. Or, "I'm calling Child Abuse!" I remember saying that too. By affirming that you love him, even at his most hurtful moments, you can prove you really ARE a parent, to him and to yourself. And don't get caught up in the step stuff. A parent is someone who choses to love, to give support, and to be there, even when it hurts. YOU are all those things.

What do I do?>>>>>

YOU STAND STRONG! DO NOT LET HIM SEE HE GOT TO YOU!

He does NOT mean those hurtful words he spoke...that is the quickest way he knew he could get back at you for *busting* him. And start growing thick skin now as it will likely get worse during his teen years. I am there now and it can be very difficult at times.
YOU are their mom...YOU are his parent. Hopefully your husband is standing strong with you and letting your son know he cannot talk to you in a disrespectful manner.
Even during the hard times keep telling him how much you love him and only want the best for him.
You do not need to be his birthmom to be his Mother. I would not hesitate telling him that!
As a surrogate you already know....giving birth is just that....giving the miracle of birth. But the 24/7 parenting that begins afterwards, while filled with joy MOST of the time, is also very difficult and trying.
YOU are his mom. period.

I too have heard these words. My now 7 year old is the youngest, and she was the last one to be recently broken of the "I hate you" habit. My husband and I have a VERY strict rule when it comes to that word: WE DO NOT HATE IN OUR HOME!

As for explaining why the magnets in the mouth isn't right, you do need to explain why actions are wrong. Children learn everything from us, so telling them why it is wrong is always the best option. If he continues this behavior, find an article about the children who ate MAGNETIX and died, and let him read it.

Children don't know how to express their feelings, especially anger, correctly. It is up to us as parents to teach them. Your son needs to be shown what he is actually angry about. He doesn't hate you, but he knows he is angry, and you are the closest thing to project his anger on to.

When you think your son is ready, sit down and talk with him, and let him know that if he has feelings, or is confused, about his B-mom, that he can talk to you (or your husband) about it. You will have to be TOTALLY open minded, and not at all judgemental if he does want to talk. If you even "SIGH" incorrectly, he may clam up, and it's over. He will not open up right away, but if you "confide" in him about some things first, he may come around and let out some of that anger in the right way. Remember, actions speak louder than words.

Hi Jennifer,

Let me share with you that I have a ten year old boy too. He is the light of my life, but last night I was going through his cell phone and realizing that he is no longer my little boy anymore. They are growing up and being influenced by outsiders (their friends). I realized that tonight, I will have to head straight home and have a good talk with him. I need to make sure that I keep our line of communication open or we will have a terrible time during these next couple of years. At the same time, we need to put a stop to all the attitude that is coming with this new phase. I would suggest having an open converstaion with him and letting him know what he said is not acceptable and next time there will be major consequences. Make sure it is just the two of you though, don't allow the other kids to be spectators. Also, let him know that if he has anything bothering him that you are there to listen and not criticize. I think that as long as we both talk their ears off, they will come to us when they need us. So good luck!! And next time, stop the car, turn around and tell him, "We will deal with your ugly comments when you get outta school today!" Let him think about it and worry about it all day long!! Maybe a day of thinking of what he did will help the cause too.

Good luck!!!!
M.

Hello Jennifer, im so sorry to hear that your boy has said hurtful things. Our children know how to push those buttons, especially when we look like the bad guy and take away their fun. I am a mother of two boys and they both have had their share of saying hurtful things.

One thing that helps me, is to breathe. ;0)... and i hope you do not believe your boy when he says these things. (just have to put that out there). What helps them understand that they hurt me is by telling them. And bringing it down to their level (how would you like it if so and so said so and so to you? Would that hurt your feelings?) Realize that children at that age still need alot of training...i mean, come on, even as adults we need help allot of the time as well. So, i tell my boys, hey, you dont treat your family like that. Your family is all that you got. And, whether they act like they get it or not, i know that they heard it. Your son was being emotional about the whole thing, so you being emotional about it will only fuel that fire. Explain to him with a matter of fact tone, and always end your conversation by saying, "and no matter what you say, how you say it, what you do, i will always love you...nothing can change how i feel about you...what we got here, between you and me, is special."

There should always be repercussions for not being completely honest, which, if you havent already established, should be really quickly. I tell my boys from time to time, when the situation deems necessary, that my trust in them should be very important to them and that lieing only takes that trust away from them, and they dont want that. I dont give them examples of what happens or anything, that is only for them to know when and if they mess up. Leaving it to their imagination. ;0)these things that i am telling you helps remind my kids of reality and there is always consciquences to their behavior, speech and attitude. I hope this helps you.

If you need anything else or just more venting, you can contact me privately if you want...but i hope this helps. Good LUck!

I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but my niece yelled at her mom one time "I hate you- you're just a wicked stepmother!" in a store full of people. My sis is her bio-mom who has raised her from day one, and was just trying to correct her mis-behavior at the time.

This may sound weird, but if your son really thought he had a wicked step-mother he would make sure to mind his p's and q's so he didn't get locked in the cellar/dungeon. It sounds like he feels secure enough to let loose, even if you wish he would vent his frustrations in a more appropriate manner.

I know someone who was dealing with a difficult teen, she found the best way to deal with outbursts was to say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and do her darnedest not to react. And when said teen next wanted a favor "I'm not motivated to do anything for you at this time".

sorry to hear that you are having a rough time with your kiddos..just remember that they are kids and he is at a weird age and that this will pass and things will get back to normal...also i wanted to say that you being a surrogate is really great and you are giving them a wonderful gift and for that i think you ROCK...so hang in there

OH, HONEY!!! That is so sad...but it is normal. I'll explain. I am a step-mom to 4 boys...their mom is out of their life by her own choice and I've been "MOMMA" for about 4 years now. Their mother by birth betrayed them so deeply that I can't imagine the hurt...but it isn't her they get angry at! They get angry at me...they get angry at eachother...they get angry at their dad...and sometimes they are just angry! THEY CAN'T be angry at her at their young age...it is programmed into them to love her no matter what! He doesn't hate you...he's just angry and doesn't have the maturity to get really good and mad at her! It will come in time, but you can hold him and love him and tell him that you still love him deeply and you will keep loving him even when he's ugly to you! Likely he will cry...because inside he knows who's who, but he cannot go there at his age! YOU are his mom...and he knows that, but it hurts...and it always will. My baby (1 year at the time) used to tell me he hated me and I was a bad momma...it just broke my heart! But he loves me dearly now. Just give it time and love. And don't back down...you love that boy...he won't forget it in the end.

Hi Jennifer,
I know how you feel. I have two children and one is autistic and not that conversant, although he is verbal. The other one is very chatty and has an incredible understanding of the world around him and is not autistic. the non autistic one was really nice to me on mother's day and then yesterday he told me that he loved daddy more than me and that he did not really love me much. I have done a lot for him and even breast fed him for 2 years. I feel like no one in the house cares much about me, and that one day they will all just leave me. My husband is a good father but he never says sorry and never says thank you. If the kids are dissing me he never steps in on my behalf. I feel like I am whining now. I am sorry. What I was trying to say, but not very well, is that they do love you, and if they thought that you were going to leave them they would be too scared to be so mean to you.
Kids can be so mean. Try to let it go. I am sure they are glad they have you. THey probably ache inside know that their biological mother was so uncaring that she does not bother to see them or share special occasions with them.
knd regards,

W.

Coming from another stepmother, it comes and goes. My husband has two children from his first marriage, I had 1 daughter when I met my husband and we now have two together. So we have a total of 5. My stepson who is 6 has recently starting acting out. His mother is going to remarry in the future and is currently pregnant. He thinks that he doesn't have to listen to either his new "stepfather" or myself. My husband has made it very clear that he has to respect us. I believe that no matter how much you love them and treat them as your own, they are only happy with you while you give them everything they want, but once you upset them, they act as if you have never been there for them or as if you don't matter. I understand how much it hurts. I have just tried to brush it off and not make to much of it. I have never tried to take the place of there mother and have always tried to treat them all the same. It gets hard to treat them all the same at times when they treat you like you don't matter. Just keep your head up and be patient. He's acting out for a reason!

I know how if feels to be a mother(stepmother). I have 2 of my own(8yr old and 2 yr old), and I have 3 stepchildren(2-10 yr olds and a 12 yr old). The only thing is, I have been told that they love me more than they do their own mom. I haven't reached the point to where they call me the "wicked stepmother", but I know one day it'll come. I think that he had something he was going thru maybe in school, or something. I wouldn't let it get you down, b/c deep down inside your the one that's been there for them and they know it. I would let him know how it made you feel and let them know that you are there for them no matter what. Good luck!

Jennifer I feel your pain. I have raised my daughter from 2 and she is now 10, she recently said the same thing to her brother and little sister. I am too a wicked step mom all of a sudden. I was told what I was being called by the other kids and I asked her about it. More importantly my husband and I both sat down to asked if that's how she really felt. She denied it at first but we kept talking to ask if there were things she didn't like and if I deserved such a name. I then looked at her a told her that I had cared for her and her needs since she was 2. Why would I be called a name like that and she started to cry. She admitted that I should not be called a name like that she apologized. I told her that I didn't want her to ever feel the need to call me that again, becuase I would never step on her and should not be considered a STEP mom period.

Don't take it personal. He obviously has some issues to work out. It is hard for kids, esp at pre-puberty to understand why one parent did not want them. It is also only natural for them to lash out at the person(s) closest to them. They know they can lash out at that person and feel secure knowing that the person will NOT leave. He just vented.

Now - it is up to you to correct the behavior. I would start with family counseling to teach him and all the kids "why" these things hapen. When they learn this, the behavior will change. IF they are not taught this, the behavior will worsen.

Good luck. Been there - done that. It is hard.

Hey Jennifer,

It sounds to me like your son knew exactly how to push your buttons. Also, next time you might want to tell him that if loving and caring about keeping him safe makes you wicked----well then, "Thanks---that means I'm doing my job".

Good luck, raising kids requires a very large sense of humor.

Debra

First of let me start out by saying I am so sorry for what you are going through.

Now onto what my thoughts are. All that you really can do is sit him down and talk to him. Let him know that you love him, always have and always will. Let him know that you do not plan on leaving him and that he can always talk to you about his feelings. Then all you can continue to do is love him, even when he says the hurtful, hateful things. Someday, if he is anything like I was, he will feel horrible for all the things he has said or done. My father left when I was around 7 and I did not see him again until I was 12. My mom did not date much, but when she did it was serious. I HATED each and everyone of them. I looked at them as they were trying to come in and take the place of my dad, which did not love me and he left...so they would just leave to. Even into high school I kept that "feeling". She married a really, REALLY great guy who loves her children as his own and I really hurt the both of them for a couple of years. However, they kept loving me and praying for me. Now I realize what kind of pain I put them through, and love them both even more for putting up with me when I tried to make it so hard and when I said horrible things. They showed me what it is to be a parent and today it has helped make me a better one.

Most of the responces are what I'm thinking but I wanted to add that he said what he said in ear shot of you, if he really thought you were wicked he wouldn't have said it where you could hear it. He was just mad and wanted to hurt you, and like what was said already you need to tell him how much that hurt you and tell him how much you love him. Probally nothing really kids start getting that attitude around 10 and you can nip it in the bud but when they turn 12 its like who is this kid and what did she/he do with my son/daughter. My youngest is 11 fixing to be 12 next week and just this week I've noticed a no more than you tone. So just get ready and keep the communication line open. If we are all wrong and it doesnt clear up soon, take him to counceling it would mean some other insecurity is going on. My own kids from my divorce I think were a little afraid when their dad left that maybe I would to. I never left them anywhere. Who knows what goes on in minds of kids they could have just been afraid something might happen to me but anyway something worrying him can make him lash out at the very one who he knows will stick by him all the way, like I said he said it in your ear shot just to get your attention and test how long you'll be there for him. Good luck and God bless you've done some wonderful things so far.

I can empathize with your hurt...what a shot to the heart!!

I knew very little about raising boys, as it was all girls at our house growing up. So, when I found out we were having a boy I started reading about raising one...

One of the best books I have found was Bringing Up Boys by Dr. James Dobson. He has a PhD in child development, he writes from a Christian perspective...so there are probably other developmental books out there with out that perspective if you desire...

but my point being is he mentions around the age of 10 to 13 a boy starts to pull away from his mother (and we all know that YOU are his mother) and starts to say hurtful things in his need for independence. That he loves mom but "hates" her at the same time because he feels so close to her and wants to cut some of those ties.

I highly suggest the book because it gave me a great insight on how boys minds work (not at ALL like us girls...they are wired differently).

I would take the comment as him being upset with you and trying to push you away, without any true knowledge of how HURTFUL those particular words really were to you.

That is my two cents for what they are worth, see how he responds to you after school...he may be just fine and not even remember what he said...

I am so sorry you are going through this!! {{{{HUGS}}}}

Jennifer, I feel your pain! I married a man with 4 kids,at the time they were 10,11,16,20 and we had custody of the three youngest when we first. The older two are on their own now, but the youngest will be 17 & 18 this summer. They will always have those "step-mother" moments when things don;t go their way! Just because they think they can! Always remember you are the best thing that happened to them and one day they will totally appreciate it! I do not understand how birth mother's can walk away and never look back-Unbelievable! Hang in there....my suggestion is pray alot! That's what gets me through the tough days!

Im sorry you had to hear that, much less that YOUR son said it. He's 10 years old. MY son lives with my XH (he got custody and he's not his bio-son) so I know the stress. My son has said several things to me. But I know that they are out of anger towards "the entire situation". He might just be lashing out, and you happen to be the one he's targeting. It's by no means your fault.

Spend some time alone with him to get to the problem. Are there other things going on in school? Has this been the only time he has lashed out at you? If so, try not to worry. There may be something else that has happened and he doesn't know how to respond.

My guess is that he was just mad and wanted to lash out. I don't think he really feels that way and I don't think he would have said it if he knew just how much it really hurt you. He is 10 and on the cusp of the teen years when parents, especially mothers, become idiots. My aunt was in a similar situation with a step-son she raised from age 3 whose mother was out of the picture and she had similar issues. As a grown man my cousin considers my aunt his mother and gives her the same due his 1/2 sister (my aunt's bio child) does.

Sit down with him in a quiet place alone when no one is mad later today and let him know how you feel about him (couldn't love him more if he was yours) and that all you do (rules, punishments, etc...) are because you love him and want to keep him safe. Tell him how much what he said hurt you and why. Then ASK him if he really feels that way and why. Try to have an open discussion and let him get his feelings out. It is important for children to feel they have a voice. Maybe he is hurt that his bio mom has so little to do with him and he is taking his insecurities about that relationship out on you. I have heard more than a few times that children are only nasty and mean to those who they truly feel secure with, those that they know will love them no matter what. He can be mean because he knows you aren't going anywhere and will always love him.

Let him know how much you care and how he hurt you and I bet he will be more sensitive about the whole "wicked step-mother" bit (at least until full onslaught of the teen years!

You are an awesome mother! If you were really a wicked-stepmother, he could not have said this to hurt you! What he really meant is that he is angry at you. Your actions tell him that you have given everything to him. That, in fact might make him angry, angry at his bio mom for not loving him the way you do. He will always know you love him by your actions and the way you have stood by him all these years.

Also, there may be something else going on (at school or w/his friends) that he is not sharing w/you to make him this upset over magnets. I suspect that it is not so much over the magnets as it is something else that is bothering him. Boys are not as good at expressing their feelings.

Maybe you can take him aside and talk to him in a non-threatening way to get him to open up. If it was me, I would let him know that what he said hurt me and tell him I assume that he is angry rt now. I might even ask for his input about what he likes that I am doing and what he doesn't. (That doesn't mean you will change it.) It gives him the opportunity to express what is going on and for you to explain why you are being "mean" (like the story above.)

I always want my kids to express their feelings in a constructive way, not just complain. That's why I ask for their positive remarks as well as areas that they would change. Sometimes I change to reflect their comments b/c they are valid points. Other times I tell them why I can't: God disciplines those He loves. He put me in charge whether you like it or not. If I don't obey Him, then I will be disciplined. Your actions have a consequence, good or bad.

I have 4 boys and I have to learn to create an environment to get them to talk to me. Sometimes they say they hate me, especially my almost 4 yr old. I try to get them to say what they really mean instead of shouting out painful remarks. Unfortunately, my dh and I have done that in front of them so that's what they've learned. May peace be restored in your household. Keep your chin up. If you love him as much as you say, he KNOWS it even if he isn't acting like it.

My husband had a step-father and he attributes him to teaching him to grow into a man. He is closer to him and sees him more than his bio dad. In fact, when we had our first child, he was the only family member (his side) to come visit our little girl. My dh always comments that his parents (of his step-dad) treated them like real grandkids and NEVER step. She accepted them from the beginning. My dh makes comments to this effect often.

You are making a difference! Although you may not see your reward today, it is coming! :))

(Sorry for the length. didn't mean to write a bk!)

May you have a wonderful and blessed Mother's Day!

Blessings,

M.
Mom to 5 Wonderful Kids

The MOM Team
www.4MyChildrenSake.com

If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.

The advice I have for you is get a thick skin. It is obvious that your son is a smart boy and knows what to say to hurt you. But it's only because he's upset. But remember it'll only going to get worst, he's getting older and step mother or really mother he's not far from being a teen. I have a step mother also who is every nice to me, but the second that I don't get something that I want I imediately blame it on my step mother and I 26. He loves you, he's just mad. It happens my 3 years always tells me he doesn't want me anymore when I get after him or tell him no.

Don't worry about what he said. He may have been very embarassed about what happened. Also, he is growing into a "big boy" and boys his age tend to sya things in a harsh way. Tell him in private that it hurt your feelings. It should be fine. But if his actions become worse, take him to get help.

Wow, he couldn't have said anything to hurt you more. I must tell you though that my little brother would somehow manage to find the things that would hurt the most and say them to my mom starting earlier than that. It has NOTHING to do with being a step mom, just comes from him seeking to assert his independence from you which is normal at that age. My mom just took it and he got more abusive but she had no clue how to handle it. She too was a stay at home mom who gave it her all. Please call Family Connections and ask to speak to one of their child psychologists, go to familyconnectionsonline.org for the number. They are a fabulous resource right here in Austin that I've used several times when at my wits end with questions. Good luck, God bless, you've done wonderful things staying home, and I know it's almost futile to say, but don't take it personally. It has nothing to do with you.

Don't take it too personal. 10 year old boys are in the process of finding who they are and can say and do hateful things sometimes. My own son said he hated me at about 9 yr old and it hurt tremendously. My husband stepped in and disciplined him for it. Maybe his father could step in and let him know how much that hurt you. I certainly wouldn't tolerate disrespect, but if this was the only incident, he may have just been voicing his frustration. I have 3 boys, 2 of whom are 26 and those teenage years about killed me. But now, I am happy to say, they love their mother and we have a great relationship. They do eventually come around if you stick to your convictions of what is right and wrong and will someday love you more for it.

When my kids were little & I wouldn't let them have their way, they always called me "mean". I started telling them "THANK YOU!! I WIN!! I've always wanted to be mean" and I'd start singing goofy..."I'm mean, yippeee" like it was the biggest compliment in the world. When they would look at me like I was crazy I'd explain..."I'm mean cuz I love you and if you can tell that I'm mean then I'm doing my job right--so I love it when you say I'm mean" Needless to say, I didn't hear this very much more!! Yet when my son was 18 for "mother's day" he gave me a T-shirt with the words "World's Meanest Mother" based on the following that he'd heard in church:

"I had the meanest mother in the whole world. While other kids ate candy for breakfast, I had to have cereal, eggs or toast. When others had cokes and candy for lunch, I had to eat a sandwich. As you can guess, my supper was different than the other kids' also.
But at least, I wasn't alone in my sufferings. My sister and two brothers had the same mean mother as I did.
My mother insisted upon knowing where we were at all times. You'd think we were on a chain gang. She had to know who our friends were and where we were going. She insisted if we said we'd be gone an hour, that we be gone one hour or less--not one hour and one minute. I am nearly
ashamed to admit it, but she actually struck us. Not once, but each time we had a mind of our own and did as we pleased. That poor belt was used more on our seats than it was to hold up Daddy's pants. Can you imagine someone actualy hitting a child just because he disobeyed? Now
you can begin to see how mean she really was.
We had to wear clean clothes and take a bath. The other kids always wore their clothes for days. We reached the height of insults because she made our clothes herself, just to save money. Why, oh why, did we have to have a mother who made us feel different from our friends?
The worst is yet to come. We had to be in bed by nine each night and up at eight the next morning. We couldn't sleep till noon like our friends. So while they slept-my mother actually had the nerve to break the child-labor law. She made us work. We had to wash dishes, make
beds, learn to cook and all sorts of cruel things. I believe she laid awake at night thinking up mean things to do to us.
She always insisted upon us telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, even if it killed us- and it nearly did.
By the time we were teen-agers, she was much wiser, and our life became even more unbearable. None of this tooting the horn of a car for us to come running. She embarrassed us to no end by making our dates and friends come to the door to get us. If I spent the night with a
girlfriend, can you imagine she checked on me to see if I were really there. I never had the chance to elope to Mexico. That is if I'd had a boyfriend to elope with. I forgot to mention, while my friends were dating at the mature age of 12 and 13, my old fashioned mother refused
to let me date until the age of 15 and 16. Fifteen, that is, if you dated only to go to a school function. And that was maybe twice a year.

Through the years, things didn't improve a bit. We could not lie in bed, "sick" like our friends did, and miss school. If our friends had a toe ache, a hang nail or serious ailment, they could stay home from school. Our marks in school had to be up to par. Our friends'
report cards had beautiful colors on them, black for passing, red for failing. My mother being as different as she was, would settle for nothing less than ugly black marks.
As the years rolled by, first one and then the other of us was put to shame. We were graduated from high school. With our mother behind us, talking, hitting and demanding respect, none of us was allowed the pleasure of being a drop-out.
My mother was a complete failure as a mother. Out of four children, a couple of us attained some higher education. None of us have ever been arrested, divorced or beaten his mate. Each of my brothers served his time in the service of this country. And whom do we
have to blame for the terrible way we turned out? You're right, our mean mother. Look at the things we missed. We never got to march in a protest parade, nor to take part in a riot, burn draft cards, and a million and one other things that our friends did. She forced us to grow up into God-fearing, educated, honest adults.
Using this as a background, I am trying to raise my three children. I stand a little taller and I am filled with pride when my children call me mean.
Because, you see, I thank God, He gave me the meanest mother in the whole world.

written by Bobbie Pingaro (1967)

Hi my name is Faythe and I commend you on taking in your step kids and making them your own. I have 3 stepsons myself and at that age they act the same way. They are just being kids and that's all. Trust me they love you as if you gave birth to them. They might not show it at this age but, when they get older they will. My stepsons came to live with us when they were 5,7 and 8 and trust me they almost wrecked my marriage but, as they grew into teenagers and now men I became the great stepmom to them and they love me dearly. They also love their real mom but at that age they weren't able to understand that I loved them as well and I wasn't trying to replace their mother. At the age of 10 children are just confused and they act out because, they don't know how to feel or act. They don't mean to hurt your feeling but, none the less they do. Just keep loving your stepkids like they are your own and trust me it will work it self out in the end. Good Luck.
Faythe

Try to remember that when people are angry they are really scared. Try reading "What the Bible says about Training your Child" by Richard Fugate. I have it listed on our website, www.sandcreekfarm.net under suggested reading, as well as "Shepherding a Child's heart" b/c both of those have made an impact on our lives. Your child does not hate you, he is scared, and therefore striking out in anger b/c he does not know who to go to or how to express or how to get help with his fear. Ask the Lord to reveal the heart of your child to you and ask Him to tell you how you can reach your child. 10 is a hard age for a boy and the next 5 years will be just as rocky sometimes. I have two nephews, one on either side of our family, and both of them began "issues" that seem to not work themselves out about this same age. Be blessed.

I can understand excatly of what you going through! I send you a private email and read most of the advices from other mothers, Thank you.
I'm in same shoes as you are but I'm known as a Monster Mom with a 14 year old. 2 years now. I been in his life since he was 7 years old.
We both would need to toughen it out and stand strong, Keep our feet on the ground!
We can break the ice!
Good luck!

For what it's worth, what your son said had nothing to do with the fact that you're technically his stepmother. Younger kids have a difficult time sometimes expressing their feelings, and frustration and embarassment (both of which your son was probably feeling) is often expressed through anger because they don't understand or know what to do with other negative emotions. You're definitely not the first mom who's had a child saying something incredibly hurtful--it's part of being a mom, not just of being a stepmom. In fact, it means your son is close enough to you to know exactly what button to push.

In the future, I'd recommend doing two things. When something hurtful is first said, simply tell your son (or any of the other children, if they're at fault), that what he said was cruel and that in your family, people don't treat each other like that. No matter how badly, he's hurt you, speak calmly and matter-of-factly. Later, once he's gotten over whatever he's upset about, sit him down and tell him how much what he said hurt. Then talk with him about what he was feeling so he can start understanding his emotions and learn a positive way to deal with them. Good luck!

He only calls you names because he is comfortable with you. The fact that he treats you like a mother is because you are his mother in every sense of the word. Kids his age know what to say to hurt people. If you were his bio mother he might say something like I hate you I wish I had been born to someone else. He might call you ugly or stupid. Don't let the words wicked step mother bother you they are no worse than if he were to call his dad a troll or an evil father. You are sensitive to the words but he is just acting out and that means he uses things that he knows work or hurt. Think about it he knows you are his step mother but he was mad at you. So he attacked in much the same way my neighbors boy did yesterday by calling her a fat idiot that he wished wasn't his mom. That hurt her and he did it on purpose. Best response if you must respond at the time is you can hate me if you want but I will always love you and will never allow you to hurt yourself by doing something like put magnets in your mouth. Remember you are doing your job. Your job is to be the best mom you can be and often that is not a very popular place to be. Don't be so sensitive to the mean wicked stepmother comment. believe me I understand it because I have been there.

I know that it hurts, but try not to take it personally! It is a stage he is going through. Kids learn what buttons to push and those are the ones they push!
If you were his "real mom", he would have said something equally as hurtful. You should take it as a compliment!
You must be doing a good job! He does love you or else he wouldn't have tried to hurt you!
Give yourself time and space to separate yourself from the pain and then talk to him about how that made you feel.
Let him know that it hurt you and explain to him that family is not suppose to treat each other that way.
Make sure he understands that his behavior is wrong and unacceptable, but try not to dwell on the actual words.
I'm sure you have heard him say mean things to his sister. Take your feelings out of the equation and treat it just like you would if you had heard him being mean to anyone one of his siblings!
Take heart and know that all kids say mean things to those they love when they are testing their limits!

P.S. Brace yourself! The teenage years are even harder! There will be more testing, and it sounds like you will be having more stress on you with school. Learn to get tougher skin, and open the doors of communication now!!!

Jennifer,

As incredibly hurtful as it is to hear the words, I agree with all the other moms that you need to deal with those feelings away from him. Make sure you have a good support system of people with whom to vent and get opinions (like us!)Then try to deal with him from a place of compassion. It really does sound like he is hurt and/or displacing anger when he says this. If the pattern continues, it might be helpful for him to have someone to talk to outside of the family - perhaps his counselor at school or someone at church. If there is an increase in his anger toward you, look for things that might explain it, that might be causing him pain.

Hi Jennifer,

First of all I must say even as a biological parent to now almost grown daughters, there have been those times when they both wanted me to disappear! Now I am not making lite of your situation but you are the one he feels the safest with, you are the one who has been there for him all his growing years. Sometimes children who are left behind by their biological parent feel the need to test the waters with the parent they are with just to see if they "really" love them unconditionally. He is in the age when some things begin to make sense and some things are still questionable. I would not take this to heart. I think he wants to see just how far he can go, just like any child does. Let him know that his comment hurt your feelings and that no matter what you will always love him as a mother loves their child. Let him know that you do not feel like a "wicked step-mother." He may try it again to see if you really will love him no matter what and let him. Being abandoned by your mother cannot be easy on any child, he may be wondering what is wrong with him that his mother would not keep him and be a M. to him. Just a thought. Good luck and keep your chin up.

You do not sound like a wicked step mother at all. Reading your story made me want to cry. I can only imagine how you felt. I grew up with a stepdad who didn't have to but raised us as his own. I know we were mean to him, but now that I am older know that he was just trying to do right by us. He is more my father than my real dad. I suggest you sit down and let him know how much that comment hurt you. That you were concerned for his well being and you love him. Just give him an example of how you are always there for him and have never bypassed them because he is a "step-child". I truly feel for you and wish you the best. Take care.

Jennifer,

It sounds like he was just lashing out. I would try not to take it so personally, he knew it would hurt or he would not have said it.

I would have a family sit down and discuss the whole situation and air any dirty laundry the kids feel they have about their living situation. They are probably truely mad at their Bio-mom, but need to know that a mom is the person who cares for you and loves you, an egg donor is an egg donor. Make sure dad is there too so it's a WHOLE FAMILY thing. Talk to him first so you can tell him how important it is to you that he back you up 100%.

Kids are mean sometimes and not just to other kids.

Keep up the good work! Best wishes.
T.

I have read several responses and I agree that even though it hurts, you shouldn't take it personally. My kids have told me things like that when they were angry and I think it hurt me so much because I am their "step-mother". Looking back, I remember saying some pretty hurtful things to my mother so I guess it's just something that kids do. When they would lash out at me I would just respond that I am sorry you are feeling that way right now but I love you and always will. My 20 year old tells me periodically that she is glad that she has me in her life and appreciates me for all that I have done for her and her brother and sister. Hang in there. I am sure the children you gave birth to will say some hurtful things too. It won't hurt any less, but you will know that these things are said out of anger and aren't really meant. Pray to God that he will allow you to stop replaying those negative words and be able focus on the beautiful times you have had and will have with him. He will thank you for hanging in there and not giving up on him once he gets older. God bless you!

I truly believe he just said that to hurt you. I would try to keep it in perspective that he was just lashing out. If that's the worst he says/does, I would think he doesn't really mean it. If he was your biological child, he would tell you as mine has - I wish I had another M..... It's just in anger.

Jennifer,
I have 3 sons, they are all about to have a birthday so they will be 19, 11 & 9. I also have an 18 year old step son whom I helped raise from age 3.5, but he officially moved in with us full time at age 12. My own son has said that he hates me and that I am evil. It brought tears to my eyes, but that is what he was trying to do. He doesn't really hate me, he was lashing out. They try to figure out what wil bother you and they say it in the heat of the moment. We all say things at times that we regret or that are wrong. Please don't take it personally. If you ask me, it means you are being a true mother to him and not just being his friend which is what non-mother's do, not us. God Bless

Be patient with him & try not to be so hurt. To him mothers desert you eventually. He's trying to distance himself from you out of fear you'll desert him. He's testing you. Pass that test with the same love that you've always shown him. Tell him you are not leaving. He's stuck with you. Don't get mad at him. He's going to feel SO bad about it when he's an adult & you've stuck by him all these years. Especially, when he gets children of his own.

The teen years are a time for figuring out life & at the same time being hit with harmones. He's just trying to figure out who he is and if he's going to lash out at anyone - it will be you.

I would, however demand that the word STEP not be used in my home or around me. That's a 4 letter word to me. I never allowed my son to call his father's wife his step mother. Even though I never met her. I know she loved my son & he loved her. Tell him to call you my father's wife but don't use the word step. Evil father's wife if he wants to. But not step. That might just put some respect there.

I am now a grandmother & going through this somewhat with my my son's step daughter that he has custody of. She's 7 and just found out that her father is dead and that my son is her step dad.

I had a wonderful step father for 27 years. I cherish his memory but I still gave him a hard time sometimes.

Be patient. Show him you're not going to leave him like his own mother did.

Best of luck
Hugs & Prayers

He is ten yrs old and learning how to manipulate people and to say things to elicit a response. Im sure he hears stuff from other kids. Also - he may think that you dont love him as much as the others - and so makes comments to cover insecure feelings. (as a parent i know this is not true, but kids acquire weird thoughts when entering puberty and feeling inadequate) So, DONT TAKE IT PERSONALLY!!! Just be the same consistent mom you have always been. If he thinks it hurts your feelings it can either (a) give him ammunition as a teen to make further hurtful remarks that will hit their target, and (b) needs the security that you are the "mom" and not easily shaken. When all is said and done, he will know who really raised him. Hang in there!

About Me - a 53 yr old mom of 2 grown kids and grammy to a 3 yr old, married 30 yrs.

From what you wrote, I suspect that he would have been upset even if you were his biological mother. Then you would have been the "meanest mother in the world." I know it was hurtful, but don't believe for an instance that he truly hates you.

I only have an 11 month old, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but I think he probably didn't even realize what he said. I think you should talk to him in a very none confrontational about how he hurt your feelings and ask him why he said that. Or maybe you can ask dad to talk to him, 'man to man' about how its cowardly to talk to his mother like that. Although I would be careful not to give his words too much power. Don't expect to get all the thanks you deserve until he is MUCH older.

My biological son has told me twice in his life that he hated me. My response was, "That's OK, I love you no matter what."

Both times he melted into tears & gave me a big hug, but I was prepared to wait him out if I needed to. It was easier for me, I'm sure, because my son was not quite as old as yours. Now, there are times when I am really angry with him and he will tell me, "That's OK, you love me anyway." They know how to get you.

Jennifer,

What a lucky kid you have to have you as a Mom!

I know this is going to be difficult for you, but don't take it personally. Your son is at the age where things come into his head and out of his mouth without thinking. It is important that you be honest with him and tell him that his words hurt your feelings (so he can learn that it isn't ok to say hurtful things). Just tell him that you love him more than anything and you don't want that "wicked stepmother" to come between you two. Tell him that wicked as it may seem, you only ever want to keep him safe and doing the right things and that he won't always like it, but that you are telling him these things because you care. Tell him that a true wicked stepmother wouldn't give a care and would let him choke on magnets or go without food, and certainly wouldn't love him the way you do. Give him a squeeze and send him on his way (keep it brief, but intense or he will sense a lecture and shut down.)

For future reference, it may get worse before it gets better. It is natural for teenagers to clash with their parents and if there is a step involved, that almost always comes out in anger. Ignore it, it is a normal lashing. Always retort to "you aren't my real Mother" with "But I love you like I am!" then walk away. You sound too put together but I want to warn you even when you are the angriest, never resort to degrading or saying things about the real mother like: "yea, well you can go live with your real mother and see how you like that" or "no I am not a loser like her." Again, your son is lucky to have you...just respond with love and kindness and he will respond back. Good luck and God bless you and your family.

Just keep loving him. Acknowledge that you understand that he may not agree to everything you say & do, but ensure he knows that YOU are the adult/parent. It's obvious that his mother is just a biological attachment. He'll come to realize that **you** are his true parent.

... and know that even "blood" children say spiteful, mean things when their feelings are hurt...

Just keep loving him.

Hey Jennifer, Your 10-year old son is realizing that his birth mom left him. He is confused and trying to make sense of everything. He is taking it out on you because in his eyes if you weren't there his mom would be. I know this is very heart breaking but you must be patient with him and try some way to let him know that you realize he is sad because his "birth" mom isn't in his life the way he would like, but that you love him and would like to help him through this.
When he lashes out at you try to stay calm and just show him love. You might ask him if he would like to talk about his birth mom. Also, ask him if he knows what "wicked" means. It's a hard situation, but hang in there and be strong. It sounds like you really love the children and are doing a great job. Also, it's always helpful to pray!

Jennifer, man... that hit my heart when I read it! But then I really started to think about it... My 3 yr old has a habit of saying rude things, but ever since we was very young, we have taught him that when he hurts someone he needs to apologize. Before he could talk, if he hit someone, he had to "kiss the owie." As he's gotten older, we've taught him to apologize, and about a year ago, we've had him start saying what he was sorry for. ie: I'm sorry I hit you/ said something mean /hurt your feelings etc. now he has to identify how he hurt someone's feelings. I think it helps to have them ID what they said and how it affected someone. You may need to just talk to your son about it. I know my siblings (esp. my older sis) ALWAYS told my parents they hated them from a very young age (my sis was probably about 4 or so as far back as I remember), and her daughter, now 6, does the same thing. They didn't ever really mean it, but it was their way of lashing out.

AND KUDOS to you for him being your child! My step-mom has graduated from the evil stepmother to just stepmother to my step-mom now (that was just a couple of years ago when I was about 25 or so). OF course, I never said it to her face- I was afraid my dad would have knocked me against a wall for being so disrespectful! We had a totally different dynamic that you do, though- she came into my life when I was a teen, and though my mom was physically there before, I was the one taking care of everyone. ANYWAY, the point of this is to say... A couple of months ago my dad was in the hospital and it occurred to me that I didn't know if she would stay here with us and her grandkids (my bio-sis & my children) or if she would go back to Nebraska, where her mother, son & daughter-in-law are. That's when it really occurred to me how important she is in my life. She helped plan my wedding, She is my son's grandma, and he sees her much more than he does my mother who I don't even know where she is right now. I will always call her by her first name, and mother's day cards still say to a special friend or someone special, because that's who she is to me. never a mother, but definitely someone special. I'm so glad to hear there are so many "step" parents out there who don't even use the term in their homes!!

so sorry for the babbling, but having been on both sides and being so much a people-watcher and observer to learn from others, I just felt I had to share.

Best of luck to you! Please remember that he really does love you no matter what.

It really is okay. He has been completely yours since age 3. He only knows you as a caretaker. This is normal behavior; not behavior you want, but it is normal. My 5 year old son (bio) is in a very temperamental stage right now. My 8 year old daughter (bio) also went through this, actually... still getting the attitude from her. When my son uses the "You're mean! I hate you!" line I just tell him that he can not say he hates me but he can say that he is angry, frustrated, annoyed, etc, with me. Yes, he uses "big" words correctly, his favorite right now is "Stop annoying me!" and "This is my favorite!". I don't take it personally because he does not really hate me but is mad about what he was made to do: turn off the tv, go to bed, take a bath, if it's not in his plans at the moment then it's "You're mean! I hate you! I don't want you for my M. anymore. I want a different M.." I let him know that it's wrong to say things that hurt others. Sometimes I will actually let him see that it hurt me. I'll say in a hurt voice, not fake tears, just hurt (I'll use the magnets as the example) "I'm sorry you feel that way. I was only trying to keep you from getting hurt by swallowing the magnets. I love you so much that I couldn't stand it if you were to die. Several kids have died because the marbles get in to the intestines and pinch them off. This can tear them and let infection spread. It hurts and it's usually too late by that time for the doctor to help. I love you. I know you're mad that I made you stop, but it's only because I love you. You mean the world to me and I hurt when you hurt." Yes, I really lay it on. My kids are very smart (yes, I am biased) about how things work and I have better results with them when I give them real world reasons instead of "just do as I say" and "because I said so". Those phrases are saved for when I get the questions like "WHY do I HAVE to wear THESE shoes?!?", no scientific reason, just it's Mom's choice not theirs. You and your son are fine. Treat him as if he had said anything else you don't let him say "That kid's wierd," etc.

Hi Jennifer(my favorite name)
Children will use anything in their arsenal to guilt you into getting what they want.Stick to your guns.From your letter I am gathering that you do not bad mouth the birth mother DO NOT BAD MOUTH HER.Has anything changed?Has their father been spending less time with them/him anything.If you cant come up with any answers ask one of your friends or dad sometimes the answer is right in front of you but you cant see it.LIGHT BULB:your son may be thinking that you might want to leave him have you been talking about school allot and working?Sounds fear based to me sometimes things come out wrong he really doesnt want you to leave but if he says it at least he is in control of it.

I think he was treating you like a mom, just used certain words to push some of your buttons. Every mom gets told they are mean, are hated, please don't take it personally. It means you are doing a good job. He knows that, he just doesn't like it at this given moment.
I am a step mom & step grandma, but the step is not a distiction, especially now. Their mom was in the picture & that had its problems. But as that got older they understood.
Stay the wonderful MOM you are. Next time, if there is, he says something like that simply and calmly say, I am sorry you feel that way because I really love you. That worked really well with ALL my kids. Being told you are mean is just a way of saying your doing it right, thats motherhood.

Hi Jennifer,

Sorry to hear that your son has hurt you with his words. It would break my heart too. Just remember, he's 10, he's immature, and he was mad when he made that statement.
If I were in your situation, I think I would talk to him and let him know that he really hurt you with his words. He's old enough that he really needs to think about how much words can hurt people. I would also tell him that you love him and you forgive him.
Good luck!

J. D.

He is just testing you. He is old enough to know his biological mother left him. No matter what, children think that is their fault. Just do what you would always do and reassure him that no words will ever change how you feel about him. Unconditional love is what he is testing. P.

OK, I raised a step-child who is now grown, and let me tell you, you need to "toughen up," because it will get worse. You can't let things like this get to you so. He will soon be a teenager, and whether he was a step child or a bio child he may say things to hurt you, that is just part of the process and natural when a adolescent gets mad at their parent. The "step parent" thing is just convenient and beleive me, he could say much worse things (things I've heard other parents say their kids says such as "I hate you," called their parents names like fat, ugly, etc.). No, none of this is acceptable, but I think the wicked stepmother thing is pretty predictable and you will need to just accept that these comments may be made. Hopefully not often or even ever again, but you have to know the reality is it will probably be off and on, but does not mean he does not love you. You should handle it the same way you would if he said "I have a wicked mother. I wish she would just leave." Let him know that is not nice, and what you expect in the future and the consequences. Keep in mind also the feelings he has about being rejected by his bio mom and how that plays in to his lashing out at you - be compassionate - you can't think about yourself only when raising kids. Try putting yourself in their shoes.

All parents need to remember - you parent them for THEIR well being - not for a thank you. If you are expecting any child to be grateful for what you do for them, you are setting yourself up for a let down. The thanks is in raising a child and watching them learn and grow, not in the words they say.

Being a step-parent is one of the hardest things you will ever do, but when he is grown, you will have the satisfaction of having contributed to raising a child you CHOSE to raise, and it will be all worth it. I commend you for being there for them, and wish you all the blessings and happiness in the future.

Dear Jennifer, first off you are a far cry from being "wicked". The children are struggling with knowing that their birthmother is only intermittently involved in their lives and is insensitive when she is. Your son is being passive aggressive when he calls you names. He feels powerful because he knows it hurts you deeply. Many children say "I hate you" etc. They DO NOT hate you. They hate that they are not getting their way in whatever the conflict. As powerless as they feel over decisions being made for them, they use their words to retaliate. When my kids told me they hated me, I told them, "You don't hate me, you are angry that you cannot do as you like. I am going to take care of you and teach you because I love you. I will not send you away. I will continue to love and care for you. I will teach you about respecting others and yourself."

(The first time one of my children said that to me I thought I would die it hurt so badly. I bawled. I was furious after all the sacrifices I'd made to take care of them. I learned my child was grasping for power and mistaking his frustration toward the situation as Hate.)

Help a child identify his feelings by restating his "hate" comment. I know you are frustrated that you haven't learned to(whatever)yet. You are discouraged. Disappointed. Impatient. Hungry. Tired. Sick. Lonely. Afraid. Misunderstood. Rejected. Sad.

You might try using yourself as an example,"I hate that I can't get an appointment for a haircut. <laugh> I'm just frustrated. Next time I'll call earlier."

HTH, C.

Dear Jennifer,

First of all, I can totally relate to getting comments from smart little ones that could just about knock your socks off. My husband travels 70% of the time and i raise our one biological daughter myself for over half the year ALONE. One day she told me that she wished I would go away forever and that she could just stay with daddy!!! She was two and 10 months or somewhere around that age...terrible/terrific twos. I was ready to throw in the towel. My husband is an International Auditor, and if you know anything about that, anywhere they go to audit a company, that company wines and dines them, pays for limos and all the bells and whistles, gifts galore, parties, etc. (Of course all hoping that he doesn't find some major dysfunctionality in their company after being served 5 martinis!) and here I was at home with a two year old bossing me around and throwing temper tantrums in the grocery store to the point that I didn't even want to take her anymore!!! So after that comment I did learn a big lesson. Kids will hear things from TV and books, - one day my daughter started yelling "THAT'S NOT FAIR!" and I thought, where in the world did she get that??? She is HIGHLY sensored with the TV and then that night as i was reading her an Angelina Ballerina book, i read the line, that's not fair! when little Angelinga didn't get the main part in the play....so, wicked stepmother is sounding pretty Disney-ish to me right now. Please don't let what comes out of these guys' little mouths hurt you. You are the adult, and sometimes they are testing you. I reversed it with my daughter and told her she hurt my feelings, and what if M. had said that i just want to leave and go sailing forever and that she could just stay with daddy. She understood that that would be awful and that it hurt her feelings. Sometimes, that extra little push is actually a question- Do you really love me, even if I am bad? Even if I purposely try and hurt you? Especially with the situation you've described with this totally checked out mother, that's got to be so deeply saddenning to these children, I am SURE that their sweet little heads can NOT process such things- it is too big for them to rationalize, so keep your head up and remember that YOU ARE THEIR MOTHER, and they will know, remember and appreciate that for THE REST OF THEIR LIVES, regardless of this little speed bump. He doesn't feel that way, and if you'd like to discipline him for it, that's another option. Let him know that it's not okay to speak to you that way, that you love him, that he and his sister are your everything, and that you will not tolerate anyone in your family hurting anyone else. That will teach him as well as show him love. Just don't suffer yourself. I completley understand, we give up our entire souls for these beautiful things, and to hear something like that is devastating, especially on the wrong day!

Take care,

S.