I'm Controllng but....hubby Is Organizationally Challenged.

Well, sometimes it may depend on how you phrase it....

If possible, when you aren't stressed about something, or acting naggy, just ask him to sit down with you and chat a bit... then explain to him this.. in a very gentle tone of voice....

"Honey, I'm sorry if it seems that I am always second guessing you. I'm not trying to say you are being irresponsible. You do a good job of taking care of us, and I appreciate that.

"It is part of my nature to be able to plan ahead. I'm not trying to say you aren't taking care of me, but it is just in my nature to plan for ALL contingencies. With me being pregnant, not knowing what is coming is extremely stressful for me. Face it... I'm more hormonal now because I'm pregnant. Some people can take things as they come... that just doesn't work for me. Can you please help me out and not get defensive if I ask you a question about something that you've probably already taken care of?

"My appointment with the midwife is at "insert time here" on Tuesday. I know you are planning on working at home on Tuesday, but it worries me that you also said you have a meeting that day. Do I need to find someone to help get me to the midwife, so I can get the birthing tub home?"

See if that helps diffuse the situation.....

Just as easy as it is for you to call him disorganized and similar negatives he could call you a wimp. Seriously you can't drive because your pregnant? I drove myself to the hospital, in full labor (contractions 3 minutes apart, baby born less than 2 hours later). Turn your head to check your blind spot and use your mirrors. You just seem all high and mighty Mrs. organized but you have your faults too. I bet your midwife could help you into the tub.

How to handle situations without your husband would be to learn to take care of yourself. It's a great skill.

Sorry to sound harsh, and I'm sure your just feeling vulnerable cuz your pregnant but wanted to give you a little kick in the rear :)

It's all about how you approach it. Try a different approach. Don't say "Uhm, honey? You DO remember that I have an appointment on Tuesday, right? How are you going to manage that AND your meeting??" It makes him sound like a dumbass. Men don't like to sound inenept.

Men DO want to sound like the hero. So try a different tactic. "Hey, Love, please don't forget that I need you to drive me to the midwife on Tuesday at ______. Thank you for doing that. I know you're a busy man. I'm really nervous about driving since my belly is so big and I'm glad I have the kind of husband who will step away from his work to help his wife."

He's going to put two and two together. Give the man a little credit. He was smart enough for you to marry him.

Also...avoid any wording that sounds like "I'm not trying to nag BUT...." It's kind of like saying "I'm sorry, BUT...." Uhm...the "but" negates everything you said up to that point!

Oh...and I agree with Dawn. Have a backup plan. A friend or family member who you know will drop what they're doing and come for you.

I had a back-up plan - especially but not exclusively for my first baby. My husband is a CPA and by the middle of April he - who at any time of year can sleep like the proverbial log - is totally exhausted and oblivious to the world. Of course, our first baby chose that time to arrive, and I was very glad I had arranged back-up with a neighbor. (My husband showed up at the hospital the next morning, while I was still in labor.)

You might do that, too. But not in an accusatory way. Everybody, whatever their personality bent, has to learn how to "manage" other people, but by the same token nobody likes to "be managed." The best project managers know how to manage the people and make them feel even more like valuable people, never like projects.

You know what your husband's personality is like. So... arrange asap with a friend - that you can call her to help you get to the midwife that day *if you need to*. Then you can tell your husband, "OK, I'll count on you for Tuesday, and" (not BUT) "if something happens, I have a Plan B, so don't worry." Don't say more than that. The idea is 1) to be safe yourself and 2) to let your husband know that he's not going to ruin your life if his day goes awry, but he's still important to you.

You have to have a backup plan, J.. Someone ELSE to take you to the birthing center. You cannot just assume that you can drive yourself there. Really.

Start calling friends or neighbors. Set it up. If he isn't home, you cannot wait. It's not the first baby - you might very well go FAST! You might even miss getting in the tub.

You know, he might not like you second guessing him, but too bad. Do it anyway. Your house runs well because of YOU. He just doesn't know it. Again, too bad!

Dawn

I am the organizer, my hubby is like yours. We put everything on the monthly wall calender in the kitchen. If it is not on the calender it does not exist. Every weekend we take a quick look to see what the upcoming week holds. Maybe this would work for you as well. Alternately, if you have smart phones you can run one google calender where you can both access it and even set reminder alarms. That way it is not you reminding him but his phone.

How do you manage this? You just drive yourself to your appointments. I'm not sure what this issue is. You have an appointment, you are a grown adult, and you drive yourself to it. If you are not comfortable on the expressway, find an alternative route using local roads.

Schedule the tub pick up during the weekend or after work when hubbie is available. If you are that planful, I'm surprised the tub situation hasn't been arranged already - during a previous appointment when hubbie was able to attend. I'm sure you are not the first pregnant woman to pick up one of these tubs, ask your midwife how you may get it in the car without your husband at your next appointment. I'm sure the answer will be simple.

His job is important and I'm sure he can not tell his boss "I just can't come to the meeting because I have to drive my able-bodied wife somewhere." Give your husband a break, he has a job he has to be present for and his company does not schedule their meetings according to your whims. Yikes.

To me, this sounds very controlling. It sounds like you are testing your husband - forcing him to choose between pregnant, pseudo-dependent wifey and his job.

I also am married to a project manager and sometimes I have to tell him to take that hat off and be my friend again because he'll start treating me like an employee and that makes me angry.

If I were you, I'd also think about how else you can get to the appointment and if you are doubly ticked off because you are scared and hormonal. Is it really about his job requiring him to attend a meeting (sometimes that happens) or is this about your own fears?

Sit down and talk to him. "DH, I'm sorry I snapped at you. I'm scared to drive on the highway and that's hard for me to admit. I don't like loss of control. I realize you can't always control your work situation, either. It just happens that it's really inconvenient because it impacts my appointment." And then ask him and **really listen** to him about a solution. Can someone else drive you? Can he take it on the road, safely? Can he change the meeting time?

And even if he doesn't do things just so, try to trust him. It makes me angry when my DH doesn't trust me because it's not done his way or not done in his timeframe. I'll get the dishes done. I'll hand wash the coffee pot and set it up. To assume that I won't when I said I would (can you tell what our latest argument was?) makes me feel like I'm being treated like a child. I'll take care of it because I know it's important to him and he needs to back off or he'll be doing it himself at 6AM. He knows there's a conflict. Ask him if he can change his schedule and if not, then make other arrangements.

Also, with your SWH, it sounds like it's more than just an apt. It's preparations for the birth and I think you should not overlook the emotional factor in that. He may not realize how important this is to you, but yelling at him will not help. You married him b/c you like him, right? He's a good person, right? So remember that when you talk to him about what you and he can do.

Leave a note on the table.
Email a reminder to work.

Find a friend to cover snafus ASAP!

I agree with Dawn and Christy on how to handle this situation.

In the future, it might be helpful to sync your family calendars electronically. I was having a really tough time getting my husband to remember to notify me about all the various dinners, meetings, conferences, etc that he has, and to remember to keep his schedule clear for certain school events for my son. I signed up for Cozi (free) and we now get weekly emails with our family schedule, color-coded for each family member. Wow. SO MUCH BETTER NOW!! No more unexpected hiccups due to poor communication.

I think you need to take a step back and let your husband be the adult that he is.

Have you told him what time your appointments are on Tuesdays and asked him to block that specific time? You can't expect him to not do any work on Tuesdays...he's working remotely, not taking the day off. Did you ask whether the meeting is actually a face-to-face, in-the-office meeting? I have many meetings that take place via conference call or webex. A meeting does not necessarily mean that it takes place in the office. At the same time, "work from home" generally means working while at home. I think your husband is in a difficult situation, especially if his boss is female or has kids of his own. I suspect that most women take themselves to routine prenatal octor visits while their husbands work. If his boss is female with kids, she probably drove herself to work and prenatal visits throughout pregnancy. If his boss is male with kids, he most likely was not taking off work for regular prenatal visits. You want him to ask not just to work from home but actually totake several hours off work so that he can drive you to the doctor and to do baby preparation tasks. If this has been agreed upon, his boss probably told him to it discreetly, to not let business needs slide, and to keep up with business as much as possible during that time (for example, possibly participating in conference call meetings while driving or at the doctor). It's not realistic that all the men in their office would be able to take off 5-10% of the work week to take their pregnant wives to the doctor. It's great if your husband has this arrangement, but it's not fair to be upset that he's managing his work commitments, too.

What I'd do if I was concerned about this is tell him what time your appt takes place, what time you'll need to leave and the average time required for an appointment (including wait time). Then ask him whether the meeting can be scheduled around the appointment or whether you need to plan to drive yourself. If it is vital that he drive you to Tuesday appointments, I'd ask him to schedule vacation days every Tuesday until the baby is born so that he does not have work commitments

I have a husband like that! Yep. He's wonderful, but schedule-ly challenged. What helped us was to share our calendars. However, we work together, so it's easy to share a household and a work calendar. Not so easy in your case unless your husband doesn't mind having you see his work calendar.

In this case, I'd clarify that you need help with the tub and see if he's still able to go as planned. If not, you'll have to call the midwife and see if you can pick it up another time or day. Annoying for you, but I'm sure they can accommodate you and your husband's schedule. I know how you feel, when you plan something to work for your schedule and it doesn't work out. It's hard, especially when you are pregnant and just about due. It can be stressful and that is when you really need support and love.

Hugs.

Face your fears and tell yourself that it willl NOT fall apart because as organizationally challenged as your husband is, he cannot be YOU. He has to function in HIS way, just like the fact you can only function in YOUR way.