I'm Upset - with My Mom

Would it help if you had your parents once or twice meet with the behavioral therapist (with you as well) to better understand the challenges you all are dealing with? It may be harder for them to understand because they are only hearing things from you, but sometimes hearing it from more of an "authority figure" may help them to understand the situation better. In the meanwhile, all you can do is keep reiterating that because of your son's diagnosis, they can't expect him to be doing everything like a neurotypical kid would, and that their comments are hurtful to you because you are trying to help your son anyway you can. Let them know you need their support and compassion, not criticism. Remind them that they had 2 "normal" kids but not everyone does and things like autism and ADHD are better recognized today then they were years ago and there are more tools in place to give families the help they need. But like I said, perhaps them sitting down with the therapists and hearing more from them will help them to understand as well. Good luck to you!

Well, my mother said things that were a lot worse than that. I dealt with it by saying nothing.

In hindsight, now that I found my voice, I would not ignore hurtful comments, and sit around stewing, like I did, which led to hatred of her.

I would say, "Wow, mom, that's a hurtful thing to say." Or, "That hurts my feelings, mom."

Hopefully, if she's a decent person, she will realize her error, and apologize. If she's like my mom, you will have to throw a plate at her to get her to listen, and even then it will take a few more years to stop her vitriolic bullsh*t.

Good luck. If your parents turn out to be crappy, surround yourself with loving friends. But hopefully this is a one-time incident.

I need to add, you also need to make sure this is a lifelong deal for your son.. He is not going to be "cured" or "snap out of this" if anything he will even have to be more aware as he gets older. My husband is ADHD and as he has matured in age, it has gotten worse. He is successful at his job, he is very creative, he has a ton of friends, but I have to help him manage certain things, with reminders, notes etc., I love him for who he is and I am willing to help him in any way. And thank goodness he puts up with me.. I think many people think once these people "grow up" they are some how "Cured". That is just not going to happen. It is just different from "the normals" whoever they are.

I am so sorry. I think part of this is that your mom is not educated about these diagnosis.

My nephew is also "PDD-NOS (autism, he's high functioning) and ADHD "

My SIL refused to discuss it in the beginning (and still acts like it is some big damn secret) and so we were not sure what to do when around him.. He was late speaking and would grunt for things. I was used to giving our daughter the "words" when she did this at this age. My SIL took it as being rude or not doing it right. I was just trying to treat him like any other child.. Because she did not let us in on where he was and how she wanted us to treat him she took offense.

I am sure she saw or felt we were thinking she was not doing a good job, but honestly, she never shared what he was working on in therapy and what the goals or expectations were.

My MIL was "in, on what was going on with his therapies" but the rest of us were not privy. It made us all tense.

I wish SIL had sent us some tips or some goals or anything to let us in on what was the best way to help or to expect with her son.

I have never been good at reading minds and it also made me feel like I was irritating her, but I just felt clueless and left out of the loop.

FYI, This nephew is now in High School, plays the guitar, writes music, plays football. The girls love when he attends the dances.. He is willing to dance because he is not self conscious!

Hang in there and speak with them about where he is, what the goals are for now and long term, and the best way to help him in different situations. You have had to learn this, so will everyone else that loves him.

They haven't changed. You have.

It seems your compliant childhood MIGHT have been due to their judgements? You knew what made them happy and made them disappointed, so you chose to keep them happy by compliance?

One of my sons is 5 and has nothing special going on, but his drawing are getting out of the scribble mode. Who cares? It's him and he's maturing at the rate HE needs to. Oh well. My MIL is VERY judgmental...even down to me STILL BFing at 6 WEEKS, because she BF for 3 weeks!

It's her stuff. Let her have it. You can't change her, but you CAN change your reaction to her. She has no idea what you go through. She had "perfect" kids because of the manipulation. You have your perfect kid, but he's different. Just be thankful he picked you instead of your mother for a parent. LOL You need a wider support network. Look locally. Your parents are not going to be around forever, so be sure you are not relying on people who 1. don't get it and 2. won't get it.

Supportive, never heard of it. One blessing was my mother developed Altzheimers shortly after Andy was born. If not I would have killed her or close. She was soooo bad with my two older kids who only had ADHD that I would not allow her to see them for over a year. I can't even imagine what she would have done with Andy. :(

With Andy my support system was my two older kids. One huge benefit to raising great kids, for as much as you had their backs, they have yours.

That reminds me I need to text my daughter! :)

Maybe you can politely have a talk with your mother and try to explain that just because your son looks "normal" - as in no outward physical disabilities that you feel she is judging him with expectations of a "normal" child.

The big key here is to lead your mother down the path of, "Mom I feel like we need to talk. I know that being around "John" in short spurts is overwhelming when you don't work with him on a daily basis. Would your feelings towards him be different if he was born with Downs, or if he was in in a wheelchair? Would you still expect him to draw well, or not be noisy?"

Maybe if she can understand that he has DIAGNOSED conditions and is under MEDICAL supervision and SPECIAL EDUCATION. He's not ever going to meet her expectations of "normal".

People don't think before they speak and end up saying stupid/insensitive things. Is this a first time offense?

I don't think I'd let it go. I would bring it up without being defensive - just be matter of fact. You said X and it hurt my feelings since I feel he's made so much progress. See what she says. She might apologize.

{{{HUGS}}

Older generations tend to judge the ADHD diagnosis when they see parents not disciplining like they used to. In their day, extreme firmness for super tough kids was the only option. You and your sister may have been born naturally compliant, or they may have been typically firm with you for their era. If you were born easy, then she really doesn't understand your son's challenges. If your mom has said your son needs meds, it suggests you HAVE been very clear with discipline for his misbehavior and he's still out of control (thus the diagnosis) so she thinks he needs meds (otherwise it would be a totally bizarre statement for someone of her generation to make). OR she's just crazy. Which may be the case if she has the nerve to insult his "scribbles". I recommend seriously limiting time with the critical parents. It's not nice of them NO MATTER HOW your son acts, he's your son, their grandson, and it's not their turn to parent. The suggestion below to have THEM talk to a professional about his disorders is a good one.

My parents were very strict. Our behavior was great because there was no other option, so it was normal to us. Like you, I felt they were my best support and had a great childhood etc. I'm also pretty strict, and my kids behave well, they have no disorders to grapple with, but even SO, the last visit to my dad was stressful because he just had NO tolerance for any noise, clutter, anything. This is foreign to us, because our household is very laid back and playful and noise and toys around aren't considered "misbehavior".

Both my husband and I have two sets of parents with step parents and ALL 4 sets are quick to point out when the kids 'act up' AT ALL. We're always like, "Dang, what if our kids REALLY acted up? We'd be disowned" to each other. I swear the grandparents are way worse with age than when we were small. Neither my husband or I remember them being THAT strict when we were little. They must have been younger and a little less crabby. We enjoy their visits (sort of) but make a point to only see each set once per year and it's not considered a vacation where we can relax by any means. And when they shoosh my kids in the car straight out of the airport where they've been quiet on a plane for 7 hours, I speak up and remind them they're out of line.

Bottom line is for things like drawing, scribbling, saying negative things about your child, you should NOT put up with that. Speak up and defend him and put them in their place. See them less if they don't shape up and tell them why. Warn them that if they keep up the assaults on your parenting and your son's behavior it will be their loss if they decide to take the judgmental route with you.

BUT, keep in mind. Lots of the grandparents rudeness hurts you, but not necessarily your son. My mom's husband (just turned 80) is nicknamed Grumps instead of Gramps by all of his grand kids. He's the king of, "Beat it, kid, you bother me" and he's their FAVORITE. The less patient he is the more they all seem to love him. My kids included! They flock to him and try so hard to win him over. Cracking a smile from him is like a huge victory they can brag about. And while I was tearing out my hair at my dad's nitpicking, the kids were having a blast. So try to navigate where to draw the line with your parents regarding your son's happiness. It's not easy!

Hugs!!

Dare I say it's (at least partially) a generational thing for your parents. Not that it's an excuse but in their day there was as much different approach to education and parenting and luckily they had perfect children like you and your sister! ;) I've had issues with my mom and in laws over things too, not quite as severe as your issue, but my son was in speech therapy and my MIL basically told me it was a bunch of hoo-ha and he didn't have a problem and he just didn't want to talk, etc.

Something that I thought helped, at least with my own mom, is bringing up the reality of things like, hey mom, didn't people have Polio in your day...you know what, they have a vaccine for that now, they've done research and are more educated on the topic...etc. That conversation brought some context to my mom's perspective and I think she was able to see that just because things are "different", nothing is made up or created by doctors, we're just more educated. I also agree with Rosebud that you need to be honest and say wow, that really hurt my feelings, etc.

Dealing with parents can almost be as challenging as dealing with your kids some days! ;) But, I guess it does make me more thankful for all that they did for me and becoming a parent myself certainlyu did give me perspective! Hang in there!

My daughter has Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), and my parents want nothing to do with her (and if they do want a relationship with her, I haven't seen it). They barely see her, don't want her for a week in summer, don't really interact with her at all, don't call to talk to her. Which is very, very sad. They're missing out so much on who she is, what she's like, her talents, and the wonderful person she is. My mother-in-law LOVES her; it's like they are soul sisters or something. She can't wait to see my daughter, they talk on the phone all the time, my daughter spends a week with her in the summer, etc.

My daughter would love to spend time with my parents, but they just don't seem to be interested. They were at our place one weekend when she was younger and witnessed one of her break downs (which were worse when she was younger because she has speech issues as well). My husband and I really noticed that my parents' indifference toward my daughter really seems to stem from that incident. We suspect they 1) don't know how to deal with her and 2) now that so many years have gone by, they don't know her and don't know how to forge a bond. My parents also dote on my younger sister (who lives in the same town as them) and my niece is like the golden grandchild. She can do no wrong, she gets everything, and my parents would bend over backward for her.

My MIL actually took the time to learn how to deal with my daughter and her issues and her tantrums from little one and has never had an issue with her.

Now 11 years old, my daughter really wants nothing to do with my parents (it's a long story with how my side treats us since "we were the ones who moved away") and is interested in, really, only Grammy, my husband's mother. I can't help my parents have a "relationship" with my daughter if they're not willing to put forward an effort themselves to get to know her. They seem to be fine having my niece as their golden grandchild and seeing my brother's 3 kids when they occasionally come over. It's their loss. We have ceased doing a lot of stuff with my family. Driving 6.5 miles one way to be with family who really could care less that you're there (as in, you're basically ignored), well, we can stay home just as easily and enjoy our own family time together. Or go to my MIL/hubby's side, where everyone is actually excited to see us.

wow....great job, mamas!

I think there's a couple of things going on here: I don't think it's a case of "too much" togetherness with your mom....I'm on the opposite side - I think the more time she spends with your son, the more she'll appreciate & understand what your daily life is like.

Without personally knowing you & your mom, is it possible that her comments/attitudes are geared toward trying to convince you to medicate your son? Another poster mentioned "manipulation", & perhaps that is how your mom operates. I, too, am a parent who's chosen not to medicate - & I've dealt with comments on top of comments from friends, family, & strangers. As long as my son is moving forward productively & is happy, we will not medicate. He's 15 & it's been a challenge, but occasionally hits Honor Roll so that's a.o.k. as far as we're concerned. (Oh, ADD only.)

The next thought would be: don't blow off your mom's comments. I know she sounded hateful (& she was) over the picture, but sometimes comments such as this will spur you on.... talk to your son's teachers/therapists & see where he is developmentally. Perhaps this will be a kick to jumpstart to the next benchmark!

& as for your relationship with your mom: Jennifer P. said it all....you've changed! You're mom to a very challenging child & this is something which your mom never had to face. Allow her time to grow with you....

I would pull back a little and start seeking support from other parents of children with your son's conditions. As much as she loves you and as supportive as she's been on other issues in the past, your mom just doesn't really "get it." She can't relate and that's not her fault. It's just what is. My mom is the same way - only ever had one girl (me) and I was a VERY mellow child. Whereas my son, while he does not have special needs, is extremely active, physical and boisterous. I no longer bring up behavior concerns with my mom, because she launches into 'advice mode' and freaks out (such as the time I told her my son was having tantrums a few times a week - she said she thought that frequency sounded abnormal and also hinted that I must be spoiling him for him to act this way). It has been very disappointing, because like you my parents have always been so supportive and I have turned to them for advice on just about everything in the past. But the fact is it's been 20-30 years since they parented a young child, the conditions that are being diagnosed now weren't as well recognized back then, etc. Now when I need to vent or worry about my son's toddler craziness I talk with my friends who also have toddlers, and go to my pediatrician for advice. I hate to say it but it's so much more helpful that going to my mom. You just need to widen your support group, that's all. And realize as much as you love your mom, no one is perfect - no one can give us ALL the support we need, all the time.
Good luck and Best wishes!

Boy, moms really know how to stick it where it hurts. What's up with that?

I have to say, not everyone can handle a very active child (one with ADD) who is not their own. I'm guessing that your parents live a quiet life and when you come over - all hell breaks loose!! :)

The best thing for you to do is see their point of view and SAY SOMETHING to your mom. Let her see your point of view. Tell her that your son is a challenge at times but what you need is her support and perhaps for her to wear some ear plugs. And let her know how you felt about her comments. Tell her it was a huge deal for him to make the picture and that it hurt your feelings that she dismissed it like she did.

I bet if you talk about it with her, she will have a better understanding - or at least bite her tongue. Let it out and tell her what you expect from her (to not be judgmental of her grandson or you) and see what happens.

Good luck!

My middle daughter just turned 9 on Sunday and was diagnosed with Autism around the same age as your son. My parents, brothers, and grandparents were very resistant to her diagnosis. They had this stereotyped image of profound Autism that included retardation and felt that by "allowing" a diagnosis of Autism I was calling her imperfect and stupid. I was putting down her intelligence.

It's taken years of educating them about ASD and encouraging them to self-educate. My grandparents refuse to do this, so I really can't discuss things relating to her behavior and Autism with them. My grandfather is very much the sort of person who believes Autism is just another misdiagnosis for "parent who refuses to discipline and can't control their kid, but gimme an hour with that kid and it's nothing a beating won't cure!"

So yeah.

You are your child's best advocate. No one will love your child more than you will, and no one can advocate better than you can. I'm also proud to say that even with my daughter's immense challenges, she's learning to also advocate for herself when the time calls for it. That's been so hard for her due to her social delays. She's aware of her differences, and I don't hide the diagnosis from her. I do make sure not to talk about her in front of her without her permission. If talking about Autism in front of her bothers her, then I pause the conversation until later as well. I always offer to let her put in her own two cents. Sometimes she does. She just likes having the choice. I also let her ask questions and make comments regarding ASD as she feels like it. I don't ever want her to feel that she has to hide it or be ashamed, but by the same token I don't want her to have to broadcast something that she may feel is private.

So anyway... yeah, your parents aren't educated about Autism and they aren't educated about your son. They've forgotten what having small children is like. Even having "easy" children can be challenging (I know) as even easy children who are obedient and well behaved aren't little robots but little people with their own likes, dislikes, and personalities. Try not to take their uneducated position personally, but encourage them to learn more about Autism.

HMMM well first off I am sorry that the parents who loved and supported you have a hard time accepting your son. My kids do not have the same problems that your sone does, but I just wanted to throw out that all kids come with a unique set of challenges. It is really unfair that your mother would say she expected more out of him :( It can be so hard to have a kid that is "different". I am sure it is just hard for them to understand. HUGS mama, I think you just have to find you support elsewhere. Although it is still important to include grandparents. I kind of understand, my son uses a wheelchair sometimes and we recently went to Mt. Rushmore with my grandparents. We had had several days of walking and my son was just unable to that day. I felt bad for him becasue my grandparents don't get his condition either. Maybe as time goes by it will get better.

My son is quite challenging (although he has not been diagnosed with anything) and over the years we have had to work on a lot of behavioral issues...dealing with anger and defiance. He is 7 now. At age 5 my mom was watching him when I was in the hospital giving birth to his sister. Something did not go his way and he got angry and said mean things to Grandma. My mom flipped and took it personally and was super mean to him the entire 2 weeks she visited. She kept trying to hurt his feelings...she would make him cry when we were out of the room. We realized, wow, she really cannot handle a 5 year old who is hard and we should not have her care for him again. I tried talking to her about it bc how, ridiculous is it to take an upset 5 year old personally? She had a huge blow up saying she just wanted to go home. She refused to talk to me like an adult. Then the whole next year she never wanted anything to do with my son. And when she did talk about him it was just to make some negative comment. I finally wrote her a letter basically saying this is unacceptable and it was not helping and if you don't have anything nice to say then please don't say anything. Well then she flew off the handle and refused to talk to me saying she is cutting me out of her life forever. This only lasted a little less than 2 months but it was very upsetting for me. Since then she has been much more supportive and now she does actually say nice things about her grandson. They get along great when they are together. It does help that kids mature a lot between 5 and 7... so his behavior is better than it used to be. My mom does seem to have changed for the better but I will not let her watch him for an extended period of time again - she just cannot handle it. I'm so sorry your parents are not more supportive. Thank goodness we can find online support groups and get the support we need from our friends. What I learned from my experience was to not expect so much from my mom...and actually I now distance myself from her a bit. I do not tell her about the problems we may be having with our son or vent to her anymore. It is depressing but I have gone through a kind of grieving process for the mom I wish I had and now I have accepted this is the way she is and I cannot expect more out of her.

Ok, she made a comment to you privately.
It would have been nice if she said nothing but not many 5 year olds are budding Picasso's - it has nothing to do with his conditions.
I've seen some very colorful and creative scribbles by my son and many other kids.
When's the last time your Mom drew a picture?
Perhaps she should give it a try.
Many people are absolutely miserable at illustration.
Your Mom needs to curb her inner critic a bit, but you can let her know in the same manner she made the comment - privately.
Try not to let her comment upset you.

Sounds like you hang out with your parents too much. I agree that was a rude thing for your mom to say.
Less time together might make it easier when you do visit, and you won't be building bad feelings that could sabotage the relationship your parents are building with your son.

I don't think I have any insight of my own - but I have to say that I am in tears reading the responses to your posts. Great moms are inspiring, and oh so wise. I feel like a better mom and person myself just from reading.