Impulsivity & Forgetfulness

Updated on September 18, 2013
A.R. asks from Keller, TX
5 answers

My son is 11, almost 12. We struggled all last year (5th grade) with impulsivity - there is no barrier that stops him going from 'think it' to 'do it'. For example, he thought it was too quiet in science class so sang "Ice, Ice Baby" at the top of his lungs. Funny, but not appropriate. He 'forgets' about homework. I put quotes because I'm not convinced he's choosing to forget because he doesn't want to do it. Doesn't affect his grades, he passes everything with little effort. When he was little (1st - 2nd grade) he saw a counselor specializing in ADHD. She stopped short of saying he had ADHD, but did say he displayed attributes; inattentiveness and impulsivity being the main two. He can pay attention when he wants. He is capable of straight A's, is very bright, but is not in the gifted program because he rushes the tests. His father has ADHD but is not medicated and functions fine in everyday life thanks to a non-traditional job.

When we saw the counselor when he was little she didn't recommend meds because she said they didn't help with impulsivity. I'll admit I didn't want to push for a formal diagnosis because we were able to handle his issues with behavioral modifications between us and his teachers and I didn't want him labeled forever. Fast forward to now and I'm concerned his current struggles are related to his past struggles. Patterns and actions are different, but the underlying cause of impulsivity is still there. For what it's worth his teachers (all of them, throughout school to date) don't feel he's ADHD, or if he is it's minor and he manages it well.

So - my question - for those moms with kids (or themselves) with non-hyper ADHD, do meds help impulsivity? I'm concerned we are handicapping him and that meds might make it easier for him to exercise some self-control. That really seems to be his major problem; self-control and accountability. Of course this could also be typical tween behavior and hormones, which I guess will resolve itself in 7-8 years, lol.

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So What Happened?

Thanks everyone. The main reason I think ADD/ADHD is because of his father's diagnosis, if it wasn't for the family history I'd chalk it up to typical boy. His problems are not consistent and he CAN control himself, he just usually chooses not to. For example - he plays select soccer. Fooling around is not tolerated by the coach, at all, in any form. His old team there was lots of goofing off, by him and everyone else. No goofing off by him on the new team, he knew the expectation and has had no problem meeting it. Bottom line, soccer is important to him so he stepped it up. He doesn't seem to care if he gets in trouble at school, so the behaviors continue. I'll talk to his pedi about it at his well-child visit when he turns 12.

More Answers

C.V.

answers from Columbia on

I have two boys. One with ADD and one with ADHD. I have to start by saying, the counselor who said medications don't help with impulsivity is an idiot. The meds ABSOLUTELY help to curb impulsivity. In our case, BOTH of my boys are impulsive (one verbally, and one physically)...and the difference with medication is night and day.

I agree with your assessment that you are handicapping him. Meds WILL make it easier for him to exercise self control, which will help him in so many other areas.

I think that you need to have him formally assessed and diagnosed. Teachers are not in the field of diagnosing patients. They are in the field of teaching. And some think that if a kid isn't bouncing off the walls, they must not have ADD. You cannot know what's going on with him if you don't have him fully assessed (which is more than just a questionnaire). Talk with your pediatrician about your concerns and request a referral to a specialist who will do the full evaluation.

Please don't wait on this because of some silly stigma about parents medicating kids. IF your son needs meds to be successful, what's holding you back? What the neighbors think? Who cares?

I've mentioned this in previous posts: I have ADHD. I was diagnosed at the end of third grade, but I'd already missed so very much because of my inattention and impulsivity. It took a long while to catch up to my peers in certain areas. If my mom had taken me for that assessment in kindergarten, when it was suspected that something was wrong, school would have been much easier on me.

ADHD doesn't "resolve itself." It's not a childhood disease that goes away. People with ADHD just learn to cope...some better than others. Some have to be on meds for their entire lives, and some, like me, learn to be extremely organized and regimented so they can stay on task. This isn't going to go away for your son....so it's best to get started early to help him to learn to USE his abilities (ADHD folks think differently than others...and that's NOT a bad thing!).

My recommendation is to manage his ADD with meds FIRST, and then figure out if he still needs any accommodations within the classroom. Once he's able to focus, he might not. Neither of my boys have needed an IEP and they both bring home A's and B's. Just be aware that the first, second, and third meds you try might not be right for him. You have to pay attention to what they do for him, and be ready to move on to the next if the side effects are bothering him or more disruptive.

Best of luck!

ETA: Regarding your SWH....Mama, you blew me away with this "he can control himself, he just chooses not to."

Good God, if focus and memory were a CHOICE, don't you think we'd have chosen to focus and remember by now?! Really?

Please have your son formally assessed. And if he does have ADHD, quit acting like he's being lazy if he doesn't focus, control his impulses, and remember. It's not laziness, it's how our brains are WIRED. We can't change that and we're NOT being stubborn.

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J.W.

answers from St. Louis on

I would never trust a counselor who says the meds don't help with impulsivity! Sorry but that is exactly what they do, you stop and think, find the correct information to access the situation.

ADHD is not that you don't pay attention, you pay attention to everything. The meds help you filter. Your brain also cannot access what it needs to remember all the time. I would imagine you have had conversations with him where he blurts out, oh, I forgot to tell you, or I need to tell you.... That is because that information popped into focus and will pop back out until the next time something triggers the memory.

People with ADHD really do forget! a lot! I always feel bad for kids when I see comments like you think he forgets on purpose. You already feel bad because you forgot something important to others, then add to that those same people think you don't care when you care more than most, you just didn't remember, it is an awful feeling, trust me.

I don't forget any more than a normal person, heck if anything I forget less. That is 45 years of learning how to structure my life to be functional. I still take meds for work so I can tune out office banter and things like that. I still have to flip over to the internet every so often to kind of unwind, give my brain a break, then back to work.

So to recap, meds will help the impulsive behavior, structure will help the accountability.

Oh, by the way, I am 45 and still on meds when needed, it doesn't go away.
_______________
After reading your what happened, no, that does not mean he can control it, it means he enjoys the challenge the new coach provides. It isn't the expectation, it is the challenge!

It isn't the hyper focus you hear about but similar. He accepted the challenge, so long as he continues to accept the challenge he will continue to do well in soccer.

School is not challenging, it is a joke, the challenge is seeing what you can get by with. I did amazing in college, when I went back, when I made it a challenge by challenging my professors. They thought I was nuts making my assignments more difficult but it was fun, I like seeing people's jaws drop, I like the fish mouth when they have no words. It was fun.

I have a wry smile while typing this. I like how it makes me feel to do amazing things.

By the way, my older daughter, goalie, no meds ever needed while playing soccer, top in state for her age when she played. She has ADD. Her first coach said she lacked focus, boy did she prove him wrong.

Challenge my dear.

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A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

My SD used to do silly things in class. Partially because she was bored. Partially to get attention.

Things to try: Channel this natural tendency to seek the spotlight into something productive. Theatre was the BEST thing for my SD.

Talk to the teacher and the child. My SD would tune out in science when she was bored. We told her that she would lose the option of choosing her own free reading books (during reading time) if she did this. We put a large rubber band on the book (her idea) to remind her to keep it closed. If the teacher took the book away, SD had to read something of the teacher's choice.

If you have an option like Edline where you can see the assignments and what he turned in and what he got as a grade, use it. We used to go through it with SD and say, "So...where is this math sheet Mrs. K assigned you?" Oh, yeah, THAT math sheet. If she "forgot" her HW, she was calling her friends or doing an assignment of our choice. But anytime the sheet was posted online, we could print a new copy. MANY teachers post HW online now. Find out if his does.

Does he exhibit problems with self control in other areas of his life, or is it mainly school? We worked with SD at home with concentrating on her HW or sitting properly and behaving properly at dinner. Practice for other occasions. We also talked with her about time and place. When did she think it was right or wrong to do x and y.

I can see some of the same in my DD now, and we are getting her into dance as an appropriate venue for her limelight seeking.

If he does have ADHD, perhaps it is time for a new eval and a new discussion. My nephew never wanted to be labeled....but then ended up self-medicating with drugs. As you can imagine, that did not work well.

There are middle grounds between nothing and zombie. I would encourage you to find out so you know what your options are.

And to an extent, 12 yr old boys are just....weird. My SS used to do things that made us wonder if his brain was still in his head at all. He's thankfully outgrown it. The trouble is figuring out what is typical behavior and what is a concern.

1 mom found this helpful

T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

You are putting the cart before the horse. FIRST, you get him tested. You don't label a child or put them on medication without first getting an official diagnosis. The testing consists of input from you, him, his teacher, counselor, pediatrician and a pediatric psychiatrist or psychologist. I was able to get my daughter tested through the school at no cost, so start there to find out what the process is.
Once you know exactly what you're dealing with, THEN you decide if he needs medication and what type.

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M.H.

answers from Chicago on

Not sure , I was told that they will not help with the tanturums etc.

What has helped my son, is diet changes and accupunture.

Hormones- are definitly a possitbility for the new accourances.

Good luck

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