In-Laws And Christmas

Just politely respond w/ - "We have made several plans over the holidays...what days will you be here?"

my parents stay at a hotel when they visit us and it works out for everyone. and no one kills my mom. and by no one, I mean me. :-)

I think I can make this easy on you. I would step up and offer to let them stay with you and tell them the days that work for you (and leave it at a day or two). That way they are not left to make assumptions or plans for themselves. Then after offering, say that you are happy they are coming and wish you could have them stay longer but have more guests that have already made the plan to stay with you and there is not enough room for everyone at once. Then you are free and clear and you won't have to hang longer than necessary.

Now if they have already made plans for a date, then just tell them what you can accommodate. It is not rude at all. They asked you right? So you get to set the rules.

Good luck!

i think you should just say the truth, something like: it would be great to see you but we have already committed to hosting my (and list the ppl who MIGHT be visiting you).
also, say something like: it would be great to see you, I am sure kids would love it too so just let me know as time gets close which day would work for you to get together.
that way, indirectly you said :HELL NO, we have plans already made, and that you're willing to spend a day with them. never ever mentioning they're staying over.
how's that?
:)
on a side note, i think your feelings are justified. i know it's just one holiday but everything counts and everything is about children, not guests.

Personally I would ask brightly

"Oh! How wonderful! Where will you 3 be staying?"

If it comes about they were "planning" on staying with you (don't you just love it when people invite themselves? How rude, regardless of the relationship)... that's an easy diversion. You just say... "Oh, I don't know if that would work. I'll need to talk with hubby about it." Then, after a few days, you get back in touch and tell them that while you would love to see them, you don't think it would be possible to host for more then a day or two at the most, and provide the DATES that you would be willing to. Like the 22nd & 23rd, or the 26th & 27th, or 29th & 30th, etc. Give them a couple "options" (just like a 2 year old), but be firm on the days you're willing to have them there. You've looked at your schedule and any other days just won't "work".

You don't owe them an explanation as to WHY those dates won't work, but it's very easy to "fluff" the answer if you feel the need. School schedules, parties, space, prior commitments... you know things just get really busy around the holidays. Keep it vague as possible, or if they're TRUELY impolite they'll start trying to counter with ways to work around your "obstacles". But keep in mind, you don't have to justify your life to anyone you're not married to. These are decisions made by your family, for your family. They're not on the table for potential house guests to prioritize or dismiss as THEY feel fit. Especially when you didn't invite them in the first place.

Your feelings are your feelings, doesn't matter if they're justified. This is your life and your home, don't apologize for wanting peace in it.
Tell her that your family is coming to stay with you at Christmas time. Then ask her what their plans are. Ask if they are planning to stay with you and then tell them that they are welcome to stay for a couple of days (don't ask how long they are planning to stay, tell them how long they are invited) if the dates don't conflict with your family. If she tells you she's planning on staying for a week or two, tell her that a couple of days would be great, but any longer would just not work out. Use humor, but be honest. You don't need to put yourself in a stressful situation.

Your MIL merely asked 'what are your plans for Christmas...." Then added that they are planning their Christmas vacation there. BUT she did NOT ask your 'permission' first... for what your plans are. So that is HER.... misjudgment.
She asked your plans... so you can reply.. that Your family already has "plans" and that Your Family... is visiting and staying in your home. THAT is your plans..... so you can say that.... AND that it was planned BEFORE your MIL asked her question about your holiday plans. So there is NO WAY... that you should be 'responsible' for predicting that your In-Laws were coming.... because they did not ask, BEFORE hand. They invited themselves.

They can stay else where. Your home is already full... and YOUR family made plans to visit you AHEAD of time... ahead of your MIL. So... by default... your In-Laws erred. NOT your fault.
You NEED to say, CLEARLY... that your home is FULL already. And you cannot accommodate anymore people.

Tell your Husband... these are HIS family... and he can tell them. Nicely... that your family has plans already.
That is the truth.

You should NOT have to, change your plans with your family NOR them staying with you... just because of your In-Laws and their errant assuming behavior..... STICK to your plans.... of having YOUR family there. Because, that has already been decided. AHEAD of time, already.

They can come if they want & stay elsewhere... but state that your family HAS Holiday plans already....
(you should not have to change EVERYONE's Christmas plans, just for them in other words).

AND.... I would, already make plans for NEXT year's Christmas or Holiday season... so you can avoid this In-Law mishap.... ahead of time. Make YOUR plans for your family already. That way... your In-Laws cannot just invite themselves over... nor 'assume' that you will entertain them and that they can stay at your house. They should not be a tether... to control your Holidays. At all.

all the best,
Susan

I would follow Grandma TM's advice. Just respond letting them know that your family has already made plans to stay at your house through the holidays and so there is no room at the inn..

Given the nature of your relationship, I think you should set the guidelines. Offer them..."well, you are more than welcome to stay here for a couple of days...say Thurs. & Fri." Make it a friendly offer, with a subtle hint at only 2 days time, or whatever you decide. If you leave it open-ended, they may stay for a whole week, make your family feel awkward & potentially cause a stressful holiday. So, offer your home...but give them set days. You can even state that certain days do not work as you have other house guests those days.

See what days your family plans on coming first, then tell her which (only a couple) days are available for her to come and "hope you can a make it"

Dear MIL,
I'm glad you are wanting to come visit. I will have family coming and going all through the holiday season, please let me know your itinerary so I can fit it into my busy holiday plans.
Thanks,
DIL
Ask and you shall receive. For all you know they may be staying at a motel... you might even suggest some that are close to your neighborhood or offer to put them up for a night or two just to insure they won't stay at your home.

PS,
For your Christmas present I have reserved a room for you on Friday and Saturday night at the Holiday Inn express :)

Give them a time frame you can work with.

"Our home will be full with visitors, but if you want to stay maybe two or three days, then we could probably make it work, but not for any longer."

In any case, I think if it were me, I would try and embrace their visit as much as possible. The Christmas celebration can be special with your family, even if they are there. I know we have combined celebrations before with in-laws and such and it usually turned out very nice. Who knows, it may help propel the relationship.

If their behavior is out of line, then you certainly have a right to ask them to stop. Maybe they don't realize how hurtful they are being? Perhaps a simple statement such as, "We would love if you could celebrate with us for a day or two and maybe even enjoy our children while you are here, since they would love to get to know you better."

If they are being manipulative and rude on purpose, then it's okay to calmly and respectfully put them in their place, and then to try to move on and make things work.

The holidays really scare me for that reason. I don't get along with any of my in-laws any longer. They are very intrusive and they show no interest in us. My husband is very forgiving and overlooks most of it. My MIL is even the type to change our plans for us.

So what I would do is tell her you will be having dinner at your house, your mother, father, brother, and sister will be over and they are welcome to join. Then ask what she has in mind. If she says she wants to come down for the week, tell her it is fine that she come, but you planned a ride with the little one on the Polar Express or something and Friday, Saturday, and Sunday will be fine, but your train takes off on Monday. http://www.durangotrain.com/events/-polar-express

Don't assume anything. She asked what your plans are---so tell her. Tell her what days/weeks/whatever you will be hosting your family and give her a few options for days that would work for you to get together...maybe even O. OR two nights that they could stay.
I get how you fell about them but they are obviously making an effort to see your family over the holidays so I think you should accommodate them to your comfort level.

I wrote a reply and after reading it just really like Mamma11's simple but yet to the point reply. If they send back an email asking what you are doing be sure to let them know that you are having family in already. I wish you all the best.

You don't have to feel obligated to host them. She asked what your plans are, and yes, you know that she is probably asking underneath that question if they can stay, but you really should just answer that your side of the family is staying with you, and that the holidays will be busy, but then ask her what things she would like to do with your family while they are here (like other people said, dinner, a separate family celebration ect). You have to realize that the fact that they "are not in a financial position to stay in a hotel" is not your problem. THEY are the ones planning their vacation, and if they can't afford to do it, then they shouldn't do it, or they should plan a shorter vacation if they need to. If you are willing to host them for part of it, then let her know that Your family is coming in to town so the house will be crowded, but that you could put them up X amount of days around your other schedule. Then, you know they aren't come thinking they can just stay at your house for a week or more!

I think it would be ok to just ask what day they plan on coming & what day they plan on leaving. You have other friends & family to schedule with, so you need to know everyone's plans so that you can mesh your schedule!

If their plans interrupt plans you already made, then just speak up and say "I'm sorry we've already planned X on that day." etc.

Quickly lock in your plans w/ your family now. Then respond to your MIL that you would love to see them while they are in town. Ask what their plans are and let her know when you are available.

You said that you know they can't afford a motel, is there other family in your area? If so, maybe you could ask where they plan on staying (one way of getting the point across that you don't assume they will be staying with you).

I feel your pain, although we have an ok relationship with in-laws, we have come to feel taken advantage of over the years. They have always kind of 'announced' when they will be in town, and we just lived with it. We finally decided it is our home and our life and we can decide how long we are WILLING to let them stay! So if they say they are coming in November, we quickly say "here are the dates that would work for us to have you stay here". May have jolted them a little bit, but it hasn't been an issue.

It's funny how we feel like we need to accommodate people all the time. It feel really good to take back some power! Good luck.

you simply don't offer for them to stay at your house. tell them your plans for Christmas, which so far are for your family to be staying with you (and you don't have to tell your inlaws which days your family will or won't be there). then invite your inlaws for a meal or other specific event. i would not have them stay at my house if i were in this situation. your husband and children should not have to put up with hurtful people staying in their home just because they are blood relatives. it is your inlaws' responsibility to finance their own vacation. if they are offended that you have not invited them to stay with you, too bad. don't walk on eggshells for them. it is your home, your immediate family that you are responsible for. good luck!

They asked your plans. Tell them "My family is going to be coming and staying with us. It's going to be crowded, but I'm excited to see them." Hopefully they get the hint.

I would ask-tell them in an invite kind of way. I would say something like.... I am so happy you guys are coming out this way and can't wait to get together. I am sure you have plans already as well, but we would love it if you could stay with us on the 21st through the 23rd. If you have other obligations we understand, but we would love for you to be our guests that week. blah blah blah... that way you seem like you are inviting them, but also telling them when your house will be open for company. The rest is up to them to figure out a place to stay.

My advice, for what it's worth... Just ask. Beating around the bush won't help things. And know before you ask what your limits are, so you can tell them. Instead of asking how long they plan to stay, tell them how long you will be able to host them. If they ask why (and if they have good manners, they won't), be evasive but polite - "Well, we're so busy around the holidays, and while you're here, we want to be able to devote most of our time to visiting with you so we've cleared x number of days..." If you can stand 3 days, set that as your time limit. One or two days might hurt their feelings. (Whether or not that matters to you depends on just how painful they are to spend time with.) Pin your family down as to when they intend to be there, and let your in-laws know that those dates are not available to them. It might also be worth mentioning some things that you plan to do together as a family with your children, so that maybe they get the idea that they need to engage.

It is possible that the reason all they talk about is the other grandkid is that since they're raising her, that's the main thing that occupies their time. Perhaps creating some shared family experiences would help them feel more attached to your kids - or not. You really won't know until you try.

In our family, the difficult one is my mom. She is not really interested in my kids, even though she claims that they are the reason she comes to visit. She not only ignores them, she actively blows them off when they try to get her to play or read or talk with them. So while she's here, I plan a lot of things that my kids will enjoy with or without her, things that she can be a part of but that don't depend on her participation. That way my kids still have a good time, and don't notice as much that grandma is much more interested in the idea of grandkids than she is in actually dealing with real live ones.

Where is your husband in all this? These are his people, so he really should be involved in the conversation. Handling difficult family members works best if you and your spouse are on the same page, and have made your "game plan" ahead of time.

Good luck.

Do you know when your family is planning on being there? If so, just let your inlaws know that you already have house guests from this date on, and you just can not accommodate more. If not, just let them know you would love to see them when they come, and offer to help them find a hotel in the area if they would like, and hope they get the hint? If not, your husband may just have to tell them point blank that although you would love to see them, they can only stay with you for 2 or 3 days and than they have to have other arrangements made. Just say that it is too disruptive for the kids to have extended stayovers.

I say DONT ask; tell. Tell them that you'd love to see them at Christmas and they're welcome to stay with you on such-and-such specific days, you'll be very happy to spend that time with them at such a special time of year, and that your family is already scheduled to stay with you for the rest of the holiday.
Good luck. I can relate:)

well seeing as you aren't close lie lol! Tell them one of two things...1) your family has invited you there and you are going. 2) You both have to work and only have Christmas and Christmas Eve off so you can't really host anything other then for your kids. It isn't rude just blunt lol!

I try to spend a very short amount of time during the holidays with the in laws too. They do similar things and I don't like to reward rude behavior lol! For example, at our house Christmas morning is just for us! And we don't hurry things along for anyone! We get dressed and ready when we are ready so usually not until dinner time lol!

Don't ask them how long they'll be staying. Tell them your family will be coming too but that you can host them for two days if they'd like to stay with you. Give them specific days if that would be better for you. That way you set boundaries while still inviting them.

I've been in a similiar situation, except my husband decided a few years ago to stop all contact with his parents. Since he stopped contacting them, they have not attempted to contact us - no bday cards, christmas cards, etc - and they only live about 10 minutes from us!

But enough about me :)

In answer to your question, I would simply respond to her direct question - what are your plans? And I would say something to the effect that you're planning to celebrate the holiday season at your house, with your out of town family who will be coming to stay with you. Since she hasn't actually asked to stay with you, I wouldn't bring it up.

I know that's kind of passive-aggressive, but if this was my in-laws a few years ago I would not have offered to let them stay with me. If they specifically asked, then I would probably let them stay with us for a night or two, but otherwise I wouldn't make the offer.

Good luck!