In Law Issues - Milwaukee,WI

Get your husband involved!! He is the one who needs to be standing up for his daughter and standing up to his parents. If you talk to them about this the odds are it won't go well.

What does your husband think about all this? I think it's disturbing. They are giving her substandard care, and I wouldn't let them have her overnight anymore.

I have been seeing a lot of questions like your lately about grandparents not respecting boundaries and parents afraid to say anything. WHY are you sending your daughter to them is they are so disrepectful?? The diaper isn't that big a deal in the grand scheme of things but to not put sunscreen on her ESPECIALLY when taking her to a pool is completely unacceptable!! Every sunburn increases a person's chance for skin cancer. There is no way in hell I would take that chance with my child if they can't be respectful to make sure she is protected. Lord, how much are they protecting her in the pool?? I'd be afraid of getting a call that she got hurt if that's how they are. As far as pushing her about the pool...absolutely not. My dad was that way with my oldest son. He was never around and then when we would see him, he'd get mad because my son would cry when he would try to hold him. I got to the point I would hold him and not let my dad take him until my son got used to where he was. He didn't like it but oh well. My son was my priority; not some grown man who can't respect boundaries or his grandson's fears. There is no way I would let my child stay with her grandparents in your case and I would NOT allow them to take her to the pool without you. Forget about hurting their feelings and protect your child. You are right...they are creating a very negative experience for her with the pool and I wouldn't be surprised if it continues to affect her negatively even when she isn't with them.

I had similar issues with my FIL (I always thought it would be the MIL but to my surprise it was the other way around).

At first when he did inot listen I had my husband step in, since they are his parents. That worked for a while but then he started regressign again. Finally I set an ultimatum. If they cannot respect our rules, which are there for a reason, my son could not come over anymore. It was the only thing that worked.

Your child's health & safety (physical & mental) always come first, if you FIL cannot accept that, he is the one who has issues that need to be addressed. As hard as it may be, you have to put your foot down where it matters. They are grandparents they will always bend or beak the rules on small things but you need keep firm on what matters most.

I would have your husband talk to them. If my inlaws continually did things I asked them not to, I wouldnt give them the privilege of watching my child anymore. There's a reason my mom doesnt get to watch my daughter.

I am a grandmother and I know we have to listen to our children and their spouses on how they want things with their children. Not supporting parents with grandchildren is hard on the parents but harder on the child. A lot of older people think they know what is best or that this generation is way to picky.. after all, we all ate raw cookie dough and didn't get sick. It is a shame that we don't learn from other peoples lessons. I remember having to tell my mom that my daughter won't be spending the night until she is broken off the bottle because she kept giving her one and setting her back to the beginning.

There is a lot you can do though, you can control the amount of time she spends at a time there. No more nighttimes until she is potty trained. No more swimming pool until you have her confidence built as she goes into the pools. If they complain, just calmly explain that she is your daughter and you are looking out for her best interest since they won't abid by your wishes where your daughter is concerned. Bet given the choice of doing it your way or not having her as much will open their eyes really fast.

Sunscreen is important but to us from the pre sunscreen generation, we forget or don't get it on right or covered well. We don't like seeing our grandchildren burned and hurting though so my daughter in law handled it this way with me. She brought her over in her PJs one day and had the bottle of sunscreen. When she was dressing her she said "I use the sun screen like lotion, covering her before getting her clothes on, that way she is covered everywhere and we don't have to worry." I never thought of doing it that way and it is a much better way of making sure she is completely covered even under her clothes.

Now the challenge of the pool. Start with a small wading pool and dangle her feet in it with you standing in there too. let her get use to it slowly. When in a big pool put a life jacket on her and go only to where her feet are touching the water, holding her tightly. My granddaughter was scared and held on tightly around my neck and even cried a minute or two until she realized she was ok and that I wasn't going to let her go at all. I would go down to where more and more of us was in the water but was able to stand up right away if it was too much. I don't put her face under water or even get it up to the neck until she is very comfortable in there. Last time we went to a pool I had her floating on her back, with my hands holding her and showing her how to hold her head back to keep the water out of her face by putting my hand under her chin. I also had her floating on her tummy, with my chest holding her upper body up and she loved it. When they offer swimming lessons for her age we will make sure she is in them but we want her to be comfortable with the water first. Her daddy and I were in a mother tot class which was great. He was always a fish in the water after he got use to it, so if one is available in your area, it would be good to join it if you can.

Oh and the diaper rash. Buy a package of flushable wipes and ask them to use that instead of toilet paper which could be irratating to a small bum. It will help with the diaper rash problem.

I didn't look through all of your responses so forgive me if I repeat. I also like my in-laws but have had numerous issues with them regarding my children. But all the issues you described directly involve YOUR child's safety and well-being. I don't know what kind of relationship your husband has with his parents, but first and foremost they are HIS parents, not yours, so he should be the one to sit them down and tell them eactly how the two of you expect your child to be taken care of when she is in their care. They have two options - either do exactly what you ask or they don't get to keep her over night anymore. If your husband won't speak with them about this, then it's up to you to. I know how hard it is to address your mother and father in law, but the most important thing is your child and even if it strains your relationship with your in-laws, so be it. At least your child will be safe...without sunburns or diaper rashes, and especially without a life-long traumatic fear of water. My brother was forced into the water at age 2 by a realtive and never learned how to swim out of fear. Start out nice but firm. If that doesn't work then you'll have to give the ultimatum. It's your way or the highway. YOU are her mother and you make the rules. Good luck!!!

I think you've gotten a lot of great advice already. Sorry you are having to deal with this. My 2 DDs are the only grandkids and get a LOT of attention from G&G, and we've had lots of unfortunate issues and rubs too. So you are not alone in this.

I agree that going through husband is a great way to go, as long as you've spoken with your husband ahead of time and are sure you and he are in agreement. Also, try to make sure that your husband is going in with a clear head and able to stick to the points you've agreed upon. (Hubby and I had a situation like this, he spoke to her and did not keep his cool, and it lead to months of not speaking to one another.) If you feel secure enough with your relationship with her (ie, you both like and respect each other a lot), you could do it too, if you wanted.

I think you've got to let the "little" things go, like the wrong diaper and such. They probably aren't around kids very often, or perhaps get a little overwhelmed when caring for one themselves, so I can see that happening. (My hubby doesn't care for the kids as much as I do, and he can get that way a little, too.) I know that is 100% frustrating, esp when you are trying to do potty training and all, but I suppose that's a trade-off of having 1:1 grandma/grandpa time. The idea of having things bagged and labeled is a great one, if you are up to the challenge of doing that. Personally, I also like the idea of not having a 2yr old staying alone at someone's house without mom/dad....but since you've already been doing that, I think it would be really difficult/awkward to stop now.

The sunscreen and pool things are a different story, though. Wow. Sounds like they are getting better w/the sunscreen? Have you talked to them already about it, I'm assuming? Perhaps a word of praise - "Looked better this time, only a few spots of sunburn, thanks for trying so hard!" - is the best way to keep this on their radar without sounding like a "nag" :-)

In terms of the pool, I think I would say that hubby and I have discussed DD's fear of pools/water, perhaps share/remind them of these stories of going to kiddie pools and how she's reacted. And say that you and hubby have made a decision together to not do pools with her right now, wait until she's a little older, then reintroduce. Say it how you want, but the idea being that she is NOT to go in the pool. Don't send a swimsuit or swim diaper. Tell her that she is not to go in the pool with them. If it's an apartment complex or some other kind of situation where someone else owns the pool (YMCA, etc), perhaps you can inform them as well that she is not to swim there.

I don't know if any of this is helpful, but good for you for being disturbed enough to make a plan to make things better. Good luck!

I am so jealous you have grandparents that want to keep your kids I can barely see straight. So first of all be super thankful you have some hands on grandparents....okay that said.

The diaper thing...drop it they will not get it...if you think back they were using cloth diapers on us and potty trained us way early to stop using them.

The pool thing...like others have suggested just tell them no swimming...at all period...well, have your husband do it. No swimsuit packed, etc.

Good luck!!

Well I am in the boat that says you train others how to treat you, just as you train you children how to behave. If your child has a tempertantrum about the pool then she doesn't go. If your in-laws don't respect your wishes you kindly explain you think it best to skip the visit this week because you daughter's sunburn is still healing and you don't want her in the pool. Be kind but firm and always suggest alternatives "of course you are welcome to come over and play with daughter this afternoon".

I just gotta speak up on the sunscreen issue - Vitamin D is not blocked by sunscreen and 20 minutes in the sun would burn me and my daughter. I am very light skinned and darker skinned people simply don't understand how easy it is to burn and the cancer risk is not worth it at all.

Good Luck to you,
S.

Unless it is necessary, don't let her stay there. Are they so far that overnight visits are the only visits? Or do they just enjoy having her over? I've held back from sleepovers in the past when our rules/methods/whatever were not being followed. If they ask why, tell them as calmly or matter of fact as possible. Good luck!

Have hubby talk to them, hopefully you & hubby are both on the same page regarding these issues, hubby will be the best one to talk to them (less like an attack, and have him say HE thinks not WE think/would like).

Does she HAVE to spend time alone with grandparents due to you both working? If not then DO NOT let her spend time there alone until she is older, that will solve all those issues.

My mother-in-law also watches my daughter twice a month during the summer time while I work in the afternoon, and they watched her twice in the past 4 years over night. I have EVERYTHING labeled (partly because I am a tad OCD & so is my mother-in-law) so she knew what was for what... PJ & night diaper in up ziplock bag, diapers & wipes in another, sunscreen with swimsuit & swim diaper, extra clothes each outfit in separate bag... all labeled what they were. This really helped because it was so simple to follow and she did not need to remember everything I said, because lets face it as we get older we have a hard time remember things even if told many times. We are hitting a rough patch, daughter is struggling with using the potty ALL the time, so I still send pull-ups to grandmas so she does not need to worry about all the accidents. Well my mother-in-law scolds (in a "nice" way, but still I am not happy with) my daughter on not using the potty ALL the time. I had hubby tell her that if she (MIL) continue to do that our daughter will not being going over there any more, because it was actually making my daughter cry when I picked her up due to my MIL scolding her even though she did try to make it to the bathroom. For now MIL has eased up, and I am working hard on the potty training.

In the end you/hubby have to lay down some ground rules, but in the end if they are watching her for free it is their rules at their house (obviously nothing that can harm your child that is where you draw the line). If you feel your child is not being raised/watched as you wish then remove your child from that situation and find a place you will PAY to watch your child as you desire.

i know how you feel.

its like, they already raised kid(s) so they feel like they know better right? and you are just a "beginner" - you must not know what you are talking about. they way they do things is just fine.

i dont know. maybe limit the time she goes over there or something. or, figure out which one of these complaints you have the biggest issue with; for me it would be the swimming. lie to them if you have to. tell them shes going to/is taking swimming lessons and the instructor knows shes got some fears with water (no doubt due to their PUSHING her into it) and that he/she instructs that she NOT be taken to the pool. if possible, get her into some lessons WITH YOU or her dad, so that she can learn about swimming, and not have to deal with being pushed into it with gma and gpa.

you might have to remind them that anything they do is going to reflect on them in her mind. shes obviously going to remember continuously being pushed into the pool, and the fear and stress about it. and shes going to connect that to them; making her fear and stress about being with them. if they want her to look forward to being with them, and if they want her to be happy around them, they have to stop doing things that are causing these fearful mental impressions.

another thought; maybe shes having nightmares about the pool? you would rather not be awake for an hour in the middle of the night over a nightmare.
lol. i must be a horrible person suggesting you lie.

i get so frustrated too; my ILs did the same kind of thing with my son. hes finally to the age where i dont have that many worries really, but they still do things like letting him out in the sun too much and stuff. its frustrating; i mean, we get scared because they say all it takes now is one blistering sunburn and skin cancer is in the future. thats horrifying! its like, cant you understand that i want to protect my kid?

chances are, if the sunburn is in spots, they are just not sunscreening her properly. tell them NOT to skimp on the amount, when applying her skin should be white from the sunscreen, and yes, rub it in. this isnt a lotion that you just barely get the skin moist; you have to use quite a bit!
hopefully your husband will back you up; at the very least he will sit with you on your side and at least acknowledge your feelings in front of them. this isnt the time for him to defend their "rights" as grandparents or as his parents. this is the time for him to understand and agree with your concerns; its not like you are requiring a 12 course meal while shes there, you just want to keep her safe, healthy, happy and avoid the huge water fears that most kids have naturally.... and keep it from turning into something debilitating. this could affect her whole life; a fear of water turns into a lot of problems down the road. i mean, water/swimming is a very "important" thing in a kid's life! whats more fun than swimming on a hot summer day? LOL

anyway, you really need to have the conversation, taking it one topic at a time. just ask them if theres a reason that things are happening. tell them your concerns, why you want them to do certain things. and like i said, when it comes to the swimming, get her into some lessons, and ask the instructor about this 'being forced into the pool' thing - then at least you have a professional's advice and statement that forcing her in is going to make things worse. at the very least, talk to a swimming instructor and get that.
good luck

I understand grandparents who won't listen. My FIL has outright done things we tell the kids no to right in front of us. That being said, here are three things I have learned:

1. Be thankful you have such involved grandparents. My kids just came home from a week at Grandma's and I am sure the rules were different, they did things I wouldn't normally allow and there will definitely be some "retraining" now that they are home, but my DH and I had a great week at home together and the kids had a fabulous time with Grandma.

2. Pick your battles. The sunscreen thing is an important thing and a health concern - totally worth "fighting." The diaper thing is probably more an annoyance than anything else - drop it and let it go if you can.

3. Let your DH do the talking. He's their son and it won't look like nagging as much, they probably will respect his opinion more, and it shows a united front between the two of you. Plus he is much less likely to get emotional.

Hope this helps! Good luck!

i had problems with my ex inlaws-i was still married at the beginning-my mother in law is an alcholic-she would take our daughter-by time wed pick her up-she was wasted-so i simply told her no drinking while having the baby-also grampa-loved to give pie,cake,icecream before breakfast-had to tell him to-over the yrs-when the kids were with their dad an granparents-i had to speak up more than once.dont pay for good grades,put life jackets on it boat,seatbelts in car..etc.etc...its your child-you set the boundaies

I've actually had to do this with my family I made a set of rules and if they are not followed we either leave or the kids just can't go over there until they understand what the rules are its simple. My family (even though they helped out so much with everything) needed to understand that these are my children and I am going to raise them the way that I want them raised.

Over the 4th of July weekend we were up at my in-laws cabin and I have told the girls (they are 5) that they have to listen to what mommy and daddy say not what grandma and grandpa say. At the cabin I do break some of the rules, snacking in between meals, staying up past bedtime (otherwise they wouldn't have been able to see daddy cleaning the fish and all the fireworks going around the lake).

You just have to know what to put your foot down about. If I were you I would first and foremost focus in on the pool thing. We tried pushing my son and he didn't like it kept wanting to get out and crying like crazy and now he hates the water (he also has a ton of medical problems) but he remembers the whole trauma of the pool experience.

Totally on the same page with you! I love my inlaws, and they want our boys for a week this summer...but due to a few bugaboos, I'm hesitant--I see the things they do/don't do as safety and well-being issues, they see it as allowing them to have fun and "the rules are different at grandma and grandpa's".

Are they the same issues? Over and over again? Or a general disregard for your wishes? Perhaps a good sit-down over the issues would help? I know you've told them those things, but do they see the repercussions when your daughter comes home? Do they know she won't go swimming? Can you put it in the context of "I want her to enjoy her time with you, and when she comes home, she's scared of you forcing her into the pool?" Can you work with her on going to the pool YOUR way--at grandma and grandpa's place--so they can see how you do it? Have you pointed out the diaper rash? I know, it seems obvious they should SEE it, but perhaps their babies wore cloth diapers and were rashy more often...or perhaps grandpa changes diapers for the first time ever and doesn't do the greatest job (as is the case in our house). Anyway...what we did regarding our week with grandparents was prioritize what was absolutely most important to us. Then we said to grandma and grandpa that these were things that HAD to happen (in our case, getting kids to bed by 8:30 at the latest and keeping a very, very close eye on our stinker-of-a-2-year-old) and left the rest to them to deal with. And, as my husband has pointed out, if grandma and grandpa aren't as ready to deal with my kids emotionally (they prefer to distract kids from negative emotions; I prefer to deal with them and acknowledge them), then perhaps that will just solidify for my kids that mom and dad are the BEST EVER! Do they have her for days? Or just a couple hours? Can you sunblock her before she goes, if it's for the day? Sigh...good luck!

You got lots of suggestions for it and I think there are some good ones. I think that overnight visits should wait until after potty training is done.. and possibly until after the fear of the pool are gone. The sunscreen before getting dressed idea is an excellent idea! I never thought of that myself, but we usually keep our kiddo pretty covered up too, hats, long sleeves, long shorts... less areas to potentially miss with the lotion. Some people also don't think of this, but her scalp can burn too so they need to be sure to get some on the part in her hair and the ears too.

I would begin tackling the fear of the pool at home. Get a little bitty kid pool that is very shallow. Will she do well with something like that? Sit in it with her so you can hold her in the water. It will help her gain some security. Take toys and things like that and eventually, probably after a few sessions of this, she'll start to want to play sitting seperately from you. Then eventually she may not need you in the pool with her. After she gains that confidence, enroll her in a swimming class. There are some that are Mommy and Me classes so you can again go through that with her knowing you're there. The instructors generally understand very well when there's a child with a bit of fear of the water. Once she's gone through the swim class she might not have as many problems at your in-laws in the pool. I do NOT agree that she's playing you for attention, I think they've created a fear of it because they are essentially telling her to buck up when she's afraid. She is still young and while that may work with scraped knees, it doesn't work with other things.

Well you have two choices... to have her spend time with her grandparents or not. If the wet diapers and pants bother you then wait until she is fully potty trained to have her visit grandparents. With the Swimming issue it sounds like she is using both you and your parents to get your reactions. If she says yes to swimming and then changes her mind and back and forth then you don't get to go for a week or two that way she understand the consquences of her wishy washy attitude. Tell your in-laws that this has no reflection on their skills as grand parents but you are working on getting your daughter on the straight and narrow before you can trust her not to have a fit when she si taken any place. Good Luck! BTW I believe in sunscreen but it is also precribed that your children get 15-20 minutes 2-3 times a week without the use of sunscreen becuase of the falling amount of Vitamin D are children are going with out becuase we are continually cutting it out of society, such as no Whole Milk with Vitamin D, sunshine is a great source. Cancer from sun exposure can develope but only if it prolonged exposure over numerous years...we need the sunshine (Vitamin D) in order to stay health and putting sun screen on your child inhibits the ability of the Vitamins reaching the body. Good Luck....Have a little faith in both your child and the In-Law...seems to me that your husband grew up and did very well so your children will be just fine also. While they may not do everything we do, if they are healthy, happy and well adjusted children then don't sweat the small stuff.