In Law Issues - Simi Valley,CA

Have you thought of inviting them to a therapy session? Perhaps the therapist would be more successful at getting them on board, or at least to shift into neutral for a period of time.

Hi, AJ,

I am in a somewhat similar situation (unstable marriage, MIL tells me that atheists, which include me, are immoral, have no common sense, etc. even though I never mention how ludicrous and harmful I think her religious beliefs are.) I try not to hang around my in-laws house for very long, but my husband likes to stay overnight a couple of times per week. My husband often goes without me, but I sometimes go to show solidarity. I am at the point where the next time my MIL insults people who do not share her religious beliefs, I will ask her to cease and desist. As unpleasant as it is for kids to hear their adult relatives insult other family members, I think that it can sometimes be useful to witness these unfriendly interactions. I plan to talk to my children about how my in-laws and people like them view and treat other groups. The conversation might go something like, "Grandma and Grandpa discriminate against people of other groups. We love them, but we don't think and behave like them."

Good luck!
Lynne E

Dear AJ,
I never post anything anywhere. When I read your post I was compelled to respond at 11:20pm. I can't sleep knowing how alone you must feel. There are still many days I feel that alone too. Six months after I married my second husband, we moved in with his parents. It was not long before I was shocked & offended by their behavior on a daily basis. I don't mean this in an offensive way but for brevity, I didn't realize what a mama's boy my husband was. My mother-in-law would say completely inapropriate comments towards me in front of my husband and he didn't flinch. My father-in-law grabbed my behind in full view of my mother-in-law, as well as other family members and again no one flinched. So as you can imagine when we started having problems in our marriage they were less than supportive. By the time I was 5 months pregnant with our now 4 1/2 year old daughter, my husband had not been working for about 2 months. He'd hang out at home helping his mom. We had money troubles partly due to debt he brought in to our marriage but mainly due to his choice of part time or no work at all. One might think it was helping us financialy that we lived with them, however I was paying our portion of rent there with services through my new biz I started while I was holding down a physically demanding full time job and I was sick through my pregnancy. Every time I would try to have a talk with my mother-in-law to hopefully open her eyes to how difficult her support of my husband not working was on my health and our marriage I was met with off the wall suggestions that were her passive aggressive way of ignoring me. Once our daughter was born our situation got exponentially worse. My first child with my first husband had died in infancy. The final straw was my in-laws direguarding our choices about raising our daughter. In a heated argument with my husband over our living situation there my in-laws of course interviened emphatically blaming me for all our struggles. I packed my bags that night, and convinced my husband we had to leave the next day or our marriage would not survive. He did and we are still married, barely. It has been a very rocky road. I didn't forbid him from taking our daughter to my in-laws at first and now I wish I had. Our marriage has recovered ever so slowly because they are constantly undermining our recovery. I don't think my in-laws are even aware they are doing it. But no matter, my focus is my family, my husband and my daughter. My husband is on board with that now, but not at first. We lived in a constant state on being on the divorce fence for the first two years after moving out of my in-laws. I felt like such a crazy person for so long. It's one of those situations where no one wants to come near you with a ten foot pole when you need help the most. Sorry this is so long, I wanted you to know I've been right where you are before saying this: if you can't get your husband to agree your marriage comes first, and he must distance himself from them while you heal your marrige, then take your child and run! I my no means say this lightly, if we would like to contact me directly please do.

first let me commend your husband for receiving counseling. i hope you are receiving some also. it is so important that your husband realize that when he married you, you (and not his parents or family) should be his first priority. i am afraid that if he does not adhere to that, your marriage could be in even more trouble. for sure i would not feel comfortable sending my son to the inlaws home if they do not respect me. it seems like no matter what you do, your inlaws will disrespect you. however, you have an obligation to your children and husband and i say protect them at all cost, even if that means isolating your inlaws until they can act more civilized. yes, all of these things are tough choices, but the welfare of your children are your priority. above all else, pray and perhaps you can speak to your pastor if you attend church. God bless you and your family.

Try this: write it all out somewhere in two columns, a "husband" and an "inlaw" column-- write out who does what to hurt you. You will undoubtedly discover that you are giving your husband more credit than he deserves and blaming too much of what happens on the inlaws and not on him. Your hatred of them is an easy out for him and he knows it. He should protect you, he should cleave to you and leave his parents as the Bible says, but he does not. Your husband's inaction speaks just as clearly as any action would: he clearly takes his parents' side and _not_ yours. Allow yourself to really understand that and don't expect it to get better; my mom went through this until the inlaws died and it never got better and as a result my sister doesn't believe in marriage and will never get married or even be close to anybody. The effect for me was that after going to college as far away as I could, I moved overseas for years and years. It hurts the whole family when the wife lets the husband and inlaws hurt her again and again because she thinks she is staying married "for the good of the children"-- it hurts the kids more deeply than you might guess. Don't put stock in marriage counseling; it seems to me to be the first step on the road to divorce. Divorce is painful, but staying with mentally abusive inlaws/husband will harm both you and your child permanently. This is from someone who has been there.

At least your husband is making progress with the counseling. Do you and him go to counseling together? You can't change your in-laws but you can change the influence around your child and right now...having in laws who potentially say negative things about you in front of your son is not the best example for him. What will that teach him? What picture is that painting of you for him? This is YOUR marriage not theirs so they need to butt out because if they want the FAMILY...to work then they need to stay out of it. In Laws are tough. Maybe try supervised visits...in a way...I think it is your husband's job to tell them to stop the nonesense becasue than it shows them that he is behind YOU and the marriage and that he will nto stand for that. He needs to support the marriage and stand his ground of having chosen you as his wife.

Bring this up in counseling....I have no idea how to get your husband away from his family long enough for him to see thier ways are wrong. Also as for your son, I would let him continue to see this side of his family as long as they are not putting bad images of YOU in his head. How close to you live to your in laws? Is it far enough that you can easily tamper off from the exposure until your marriage is stronger? You need to talk to the counselor and let her be the one to bring all this up with your husband~ he might see it better coming from someone other then you and if it makes him mad he will be mad at the counselor and not you. Sometimes a third party is best for giving news that one does not want to hear. Its so much work to have a strong marriage, and especially harder when you are not fond of the family you married into. God bless and guide you.

AJ,
if ur husband is easily influenced to mistreat you from family members, most likely its in his blood so-to-speak.

from what i learned from divorce/family court. the abuser will say 'if im/inlaws are that bad, then why did she leave me with the child to go visiting?'.

this happened to my sister, sadly her young boys grew up listening to grandparents and thier dad putting down thier mom, so when it came time to leave the marrriage, the boys/14 and 18 at the time, viewed the mom/my sister valueless and stayed with the verbally and mentally abusesive dad and grandparents. this broke her heart so badly i was scared she was going to break mentally. i think she only survived cause she had custody of a 8 yr old daughter.

When your son is in the presence of people who speak down about you, he will learn that in order to have their love, he will have to agree with them. Psychologically, this will damage him, he will be conflicted by his love for you and wanting to be accepted by them. Explain this to the therapist and hopefully she will address this issue. What others think about us is none of our business, however, when the think becomes talk, it becomes our business, and yes you need to be active about not damaging your son.
Good luck, Wendy

I think your husband's parents have no right to be so intrusive in your marriage. Why are they in the picture so much?? If they do not support you, then they do not support your marriage!! Your husband decided to put YOU FIRST when he married you = therefore he needs to let his parents know this and if they cannot be "nice" then they should not be so involved with your family. I can't believe these meddling in-laws - what's the deal! I say to them - LET GO!
M.

I know this may just be a fantasy, but, could they go to counseling w/ him?

I have similar problems. They need to know that your husband chose YOU. Also that in order to have a relationship with their son and your son they have to be kind, respectful and welcoming to YOU! My aunt has the same problem with hers and she finally just cut them off after 20 years. Now the problem can not be fixed. We were actaully talking about this last night. Her husband wants to talk to my husband about what to do. Our husbands are in a difficult place because no matter what both sides say they are in the middle. They feel that they have to choose. When really it is both sides that have to choose how they are going to act and then deal with the consequences. Good luck!

Im not sure about the whole situation, but what I try to live by and encourage, if the relationship is alot of work, than I dont have time for it. I have enough stress in my own life to deal with stress in an extended relationship. If the relationship is not healthy, positive and encouraging than maybe you need a break. You husband may see that if he has a chance to spend time with just you and children. He should only want to be around people who make a postive impression on him, you and your family. Even if some of things are true, you/he needs to be around compliments and uplifting conversations!! Especially for your marriage!
Good Luck and lots of communication!!

Keep working on your issues with your husband and go ahead and cut them out of your own life. You don't need their poison right now.
When you are in a better place, go ahead and try to heal the extended family relationships, but right now just focus on your nuclear family.

As far as your son, I would say let him go over there with your husband, UNLESS they are trashing you in front of or to your son.

Good luck.

Good Morning, AJ

Well, let's see....you sound like your at your wits end. Hi, my name is V., I am 45 and have two kids, a son 18 and daughter 17 and have been married for 19 years. This is how it started out for me, with the in-laws. I think that if your husband loves you, he has to be the one that puts a end to the drama. Counseling or no counseling, your his wife and this shows a huge disrespect on his part. Your in-laws are only going to do what you allow them to do and that goes for your husband too. Maybe if this continues you can ask your husband to move back in with his parents since he can't seem to listen to you and make this marriage work. A marriage is between two people, you and him. Are both of you in counseling together as well. About cutting them off from you, yes I would defiantely not want to do anything with them until they show you some respect. About your son, I think that he should not be a part of the arguement, that he has nothing to do with what is going on between you and them. As long as they treat him right. You sound young, being married myself for 19 years...marriage is not easy, I still work on my mine everyday, but it does get easier. So before giving up the man you love cause his parents run him, do all you can to make him see that he has tough choices to make and that you and your son should be his first priority. Good Luck and hang in there.

V.

Dear AJ,
I'm with Jennifer who responded below. I'm so saddened to hear this as I have been through it twice, however the second marriage of almost 10 years was by far more painful than the first. I've sought counseling on this issue, had my ex join me for marriage counseling but he went ~3-4 times, because "I'm the one who needs help, he is fine the way he is." First and foremost, it is your husbands job to stand by you and tell anyone in his family that speaks poorly of you, that he loves you and does not want to hear anyone saying unkind things about you. Further, when they delve/comment on your marital problems, again, he should say, "I appreciate your concern but this is between AJ and me and we'll work it out amongst ourselves." You get the picture. Please do not be offended about what I suggest next. It simply sounds as if you are in a VERY dysfunctional situation and my guess is, extremely hurtful and painful at times. I know a lot of people will say how great it is he is going to counseling, however,that does not necessarily mean much. The patient's honesty and willingness to see THEIR part in things and face things they need to change, the patient cannot make any progress. I used to become very hopeful about seeming attempts to heal, but then I realized with my ex, it was just motions and he spent most of the time talking about what a great guy he is. SO, if the following information helps, great. If not, no harm done. Have you ever heard of Narcissitic Personality Disorder? I've studied about it quite a bit and also it's impact on children. I'm no doctor and not a lot of data to support my theory but you might want to research it a little and see if it may be a fit. There are other personality disorders that have some of the same characteristics and the sites that talk about NPD typically have information about those disorders as well. To links I found helpful are: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder and www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/howto.html. Typical of personality disorders is not every person affected with have every trait. If you look up the DSMIV for NPD it can provide you the criteria and standard for evaluation. If indeed you feel your husband has NPD, seek help to determine what a professional thinks and explore your options. There is information available (the professional is probably a good place to start) about tools you can use to cope with the NPD and/or avoid some of the triggers, etc. Sorry so long! My best wishes to you. Sincerely, L.

Personally, I'm not sure I'd want to subject my children to that kind of behaviour. You sound better off avoiding them and then I'd firmly tell them, you are welcome to see my child(ren) at any time, however if you continue to disrespect me and talk ill of me in the presence of my child(ren) you will not be able to see them again as I won't tolerate that. No matter what the age, your kids don't need to hear someone talking about you like that, you are their mother and the grandparents just need to grow up!! Good luck!

N.

If they will talk bad about you to your husband, they will talk bad about you to your son. By no means should they have visitation rights with your son without your supervision. Put your foot down and nicely tell your husband that you will not be visiting his parents as long as they feel and speak this way about you. Then inform him that your son will be staying with you because you can not be certain that he will not inadvertantly hear negative things they say about you. He should never be exposed to that, no matter how litte. btw, that goes both ways.

And I would stop discussing your marital problem and husband with your parents. Their opinion does not matter. THey are not in the relationship and they are biased. Plus, his negative review shines negatively on them. when they tell your husband he has nothing wrong,done nothing wrong, etc, level with him. His parents are trying to support him in the best way they know how ( regardless of it being stupid) . But no one can say what happens behind closed doors except for the people involved... Good luck!

I'm sorry to hear that your going threw what your going threw..But I am glad to hear that your Husband is going to counseling for his behavior. This show you that he wants to be in your marriage and that he LOVES you and your SON!! I think that you have to step away and put your FAMILY 1st!! Pray and Listen to God.I believe that He will show you what to do.. I hope you don't mind me being religious But Take Care and Know that EVERYTHING will workout for you!!