In Need Os Step-mom Advise!!!

Maybe her mom is not aware of how you were having her daughter keep her grades up. Talk to the mom and see if there is a way the two of you could work together to keep her grades up. However, you have to approach her in a non-threatening helpful way.

I agree that you are in a very strange situation, but I also have to give you kudos for caring as much as you do!! Most step moms either don't care what their step kids do, or on too much of a high horse being a step mom they're too blind to notice what is going on!! I think if you are personally talking to your step daughers teacher now, just because she is with her mother doesn't mean you can't keep the same pattern. Maybe set it up where you are showing up at a different time than her biological mom. Good luck!!

From personal experience of being a stepmom where the "real" mother has problems with your role of fellow nurturer for the child, I know it is tough. What I would suggest doing is nothing at this time. Let her mother and your husband work out what is going to happen with the homework mishaps, since the mom is not wanting you to be informed of what is going on with missing schoolwork, and your husband is seeming to have a hard time being motivated to handle the dilemna. I am not telling you to not care, but just take a step back a little bit. I think that may give your husband some incentive to address the issue, especially if he hears from his ex about how badly the girl may be doing in school. It will work out! Good luck!

I understand how you feel My step kids are 10 and 9 and my boys are little. Do the best you can when it comes to her school work you are doing a lot and that is wonderful. You can't make her Mom do anything and your step daughter will understand later. Just be the best mom you can be to all your kids and they will turn out ok. 12 is a ruff age for school work it may help her to repeat the grade. She is getting old enough to do a lot of the work herself. If you carry her this year what will next year be like.

First of all, I have to comment on how much work you are putting into your daughters grades. I can relate, I have had the same problem. But you are making her grades your problem, when in actuallity her grades are her problem. If anything she cares less about how well she is doing becuase you are taking the responsibility away from her. If she has to take the grade over again, that is the natural consequence of her actions. By protecting her from those consequences, you are showing her that life will cater to her. As far as the real mom situation, that is between your husband and her. I am a step mom and I know how you feel. But you can't do his job for him, these are his girls and he needs to step up and take care of business. But you need to be less invested in her grades, she needs to see what happens when the responsibility is hers. Trust me, if you have any questions please contact me, I have years of experience with all of this including counseling.

Wow S., you're in a really hard situation. I feel a sense of similarity here as my brother isn't the father he should be and doesn't see that his actions are hurting his kids, just like this other mother is doing. It sounds like you were doing everything a mother should to guide their child to make good decisions and making sure she follow through. If you're husband isn't taking the initiative to contact the school, I would do it myself. Maybe not to do the same things you were doing but contact the school counselor and ask what you CAN do because of what her biological mother has requested. Let them know how much you want her to succeed in school and what can you do at this point. Of course, when your daughter is at your home, encourage her to tell you about school and what they've been doing in class. Positive reinforcement is absolutely key in raising kids. They thrive on it and then when negative occurrences happen, you don't have to take punishments to the extreme. Good luck & please come back to give an update.

What rights does the mother have? Does your daughter live with you or her? These are the most important questions when figuring out what to do. If her rights are only partial, then you need to figure out if she has the right to INTERFERE with school matters. Not "does she have the right to know" but interfere, they are two different things. Your husband divorce decree should tell you exactly what rights she has, if they do not have joint custody. If they do, then she has all the rights he has... the right to take them whenever she wants, tell the school whatever she wants, practice any kid of religion she wants, etc. However, if they have joint custody but your husband has physical custody, then she still has rights with the school, but the school needs to be working with you and not her.
If she lives with her mother, then her dad needs to get involved. As the step parent, you have no rights unless you are the only mother in the picture. For some reason, you then get all the rights a bio. mother would have, but only then. The only thing you have a right to do is support your husband... meaning if your husband were to call the school and request a family meeting (all schools do them, usually at the request of the councelor or the parent... it works very well in split households because it brings the parents together to discuss with the teachers, counselors, principle, etc. HOW to help the child) you could be there, at your husbands request, and have full voice and opinion. I think in your case, this would be the best thing because chances are, the school has been told a lot that isn't true and is simply siding with the legal side... the mom. Legally, they have to do what a bio. parent asks, within the law, for their children.

S.,
Unfortunately unless your husband tells the school that they can talk to you about your step-daughter they can't. I have a step-daughter and we have been through this at every school she has went to and there has been many. We had to send copies of the custody papers to the school and a letter telling them that it was okay to talk with me. Once that is done by your husband then the mother can't do anything as long as the school follows the child custody laws. Your husband has to do this, nobody else can so he has to decide if his daughters education is important enough to make time for.

Good luck,
T.

If the teacher is listening to the mom, your husband is going to have to step in and say something. I would make sure he explains to the teacher that the grades begin slipping when she stopped communicating with you guys. It is sad that her mother cares so little for her daughter's success and has to be petty and tell the teacher to not involve you. I would think that the teacher would realize as well that your child is struggling now that you are not involved. I commend you on your dedication to this and you are exactly what your daughter needs - someone to care enough to help her. Don't give up, you are doing the right thing. (This is coming from a mom who is glad my son's step-mom is very involved in his life.)

I feel your pain. I too have a step daughter whose Biological Mother hates me. My Husband and I are the happiest, closest couple that I have ever known. I see my step daughter and love her as my own. I have been asking him to step up for awile now when it comes to dealing with his Ex-wife mostly to no avail. We have talked about this many times and I have found that he is wanting to avoid conflict of any kind with his Ex because of what she does and how she is. (Usually involving our 5 year old girl)He has never been a fighter and even handed over "literaly" everything in the divorce just so he could walk away from her and her problems.

Have you sat down and REALLY talked this out with your Hubbie? Is there anything you could do? If you are married legally than you are legally one of her parents and have just as many rights to her as her Mother. If you two have custody of her than maybe even more than her Mother. I sujest setting up a meeting with the teacher where both you and your husband can attend and work things out. You are doing what is best for your daughter and that should not stop. Her Biological Mother has NO right to refuse help for your 12 year old girl. The only one suffering here is her. I wish you luck through this hard time and keep up the great work you are doing as a Mom!

Smile- Y.

Well about the question of stepmoms having no rights is untrue. At least in Alaska. Ive had a lady "Claiming" to be the stepmom when in fact she wasn't. She was my X's new girlfriend. She even had the power to remove me off my childs school records without me knowing, And hospital doctor records when in fact ive had these 2 kids for almost 15 years. I even had her "friend" remove me off medical records claiming I am not bio mom that she was. I didnt even know this lady.
Its hard to prove to these people even if you have a birthrecord your the bio mom. Which is crazy cause they didnt even know they had a different dad besides my husband for almost 15 years. Shows you how easy it is to steal a child in Alaska and able to enroll a child into different schools without papers. And no cops dont care to help. Went there done that for months.
They had the nerve to even say this girlfriend had more rights to clothe, house and feed them then I did! So be careful guys =).
Anyway mom has all rights like dad unless courts say so. You 3 should be working together. But you cannot force a dog to do tricks either if any of you is that way. I dont think its right that you say " I dont want her to be like mom and drop out" In my opinion and its just my opinion it seems in that sentence you are attacking the mom. So just be careful what you say around the kid.
If you want it to work all around the fighting has got to quit. There normally is only 1 person that fully helps a child in a situation what you have to figure out is Well mom has a problem of doing this. Does dad? If he Does then I guess if you want to hold her hand and turn in her work for her then I guess its all up to you. But you cant gripe about it. We need to help kids in anyway possible without the griping. It just makes things worse. Oh and the kids now a days have problems with tudes and turning in work. So hang in there

How frustrated you must be. Unfortunately, and I know this from experience *, your husband is the only one who can arrange with the teacher for you to be involved. Being married to him does not give you any rights with his daughter, your step-daughter.

You might be able to arrange for a conference with you and your husband and the teacher. But be sure that your husband attends and backs you up. If you have the conference and he doesn't firmly state that he wants you involved you're even more lost.

I also have a suggestion that might be a little bit helpful in your relationship with your step-daughters' birth mother. I am responding from the position of being an adoptive mother. Your husband's ex no doubt is a difficult woman to deal with and I hope that your husband is the one doing the dealing. She is his ex and therefore his responsibility. She is no doubt still angry that you took her place. Because she is not willing to be co-operative it is very important that you not insert yourself into their relationship. It is also important to acknowledge to her that you recognize that you are the step-mother and she is the mother. Doing both of these things will help to bring down the feelings that are becoming increasingly more angry. Try to see this situation from her viewpoint. If you could acknowledge and accept her feelings she will be better able to be co-operative.

I am glad that you consider her daughters also your daughters. They are your daughters in many ways and thinking of them as daughters may enable you to feel closer to them and nurture them.

Acknowledging the difference between birth mother and adoptive mother was difficult for me while I was caring for my perspective adoptive daughter as a foster mother. My daughter's birth mother insisted that she was the mother and I the interloper. And legally that was true. Fortunately, Children's Services Division had the actual legal responsibility. With difficulty I accepted that Michelle was her mother and that CSD made all the important decisions. CSD suggested that Michelle became Mom Michelle and I was Mom M.. This helped a lot. Each of us had a role in our daughter's life even after her parental rights were terminated. She could no longer see my daughter but she still was important to my daughter as her birth mother. I remained Mom M. for sometime after the adoption and my daughter continued to call her birth mother, Mom. Eventually she dropped the M. but only after she felt that I was her mom. Once she became 18 she did begin to have contact with her birth mother and once more I felt jealousy because I was the one who had taken care of her all of those years and my daughter was once identifying Michelle as her mom. This was a difficult time for all of us. Eventually I was able to really feel that calling Michelle, Mom, did not mean that my daughter loved me any less. I was not in competition for her love.

I still feel jealous at times but I am now confident that what I do for my daughter is what is most important and a part of what I do is keep peace with Michelle. I still do what I think is most important for my daughter even if it upsets Michelle but I refrain from responding to her anger with anger. Confidence and the law allow me to do this. It's not such an easy distinction for you.

I think it is important for you to continue to support your step-daughter's education by remaining in contact with the school. Perhaps in order to do that you will have to make some compromises. I wonder about continuing to go with your step-daughter to school and picking her up. I think that once you had helped her establish a pattern of success you could back off and see what happens. She may be able to continue without your presence. And that is true success. If she is only doing well because you're forcing it she will stop doing well when you stop. And you cannot always go to school with her. Your goal is to teach her the importance of meeting the requirements of school so that she can do it because she wants to do it.

I suspect that at least part of the reason that her mother has banned you from going to the school is that her daughter has complained about being embarrassed. She may also see this as a way to get back at you for trying to take over her role. When you call yourself her mother instead of her step-mother that is what you are doing. She has a role as the mother and has the right to parent in the way she wishes even if you don't agree with what she is doing. You have the role of step-mother and you have the right to parent in the way that her father allows you to parent. But you have no rights that the mother or the school has to acknowledge. Only the birth mother and birth father has rights.

Have you read any about being a step parent? If not I recommend that you find some books that deal with blended families and step-parenting. Professionals say that step-parenting works best when the birth parent (in your case her father) has the primary responsibility for the child. This is maybe not possible when the birth parent abdicates his role which seems to be the case here. That makes successful parenting even more difficult.

Another resource for you is mediation. This may be available thru the court system. Or you may be able to obtain it privately with your health insurance paying for it.

I also recommend counseling so that you and your husband can come to an agreement acceptable to both of you of how issues are dealt with with the ex-spouse. As well as learn how to best help the children caught in the middle.

I'd also like to add a word about how your step-daughter must feel caught in the middle and suggest that this may be one reason that she is not succeeding in school. It appears that you and her birth mother are fighting over who has the most right instead of focusing on how can we either work together or at the very least accept each other to make sure that our shared daughter/step daughter has the most benefit. You go to school everyday with your step-daughter. Her mother doesn't and doesn't want you to either. You're at an angry stalemate. How do you get past that? If you remain there your step-daughter will be the one to suffer most. Having to work to get along in both homes will become more important than getting along in school. When each mother bad mouths the other the child is hurt.

Being a step-parent is even more difficult than being a parent and that is the most difficult job in the world. I wish you success and hope that you will find a way to make this relationship work.

*I was a step-mother and I've also had to professionally intervene in families with step-children and step-parents. I was not successful as a step-parent because my step-son's father was a passive parent who did not have rules or consequences and did not want me have any either.
I have seen other families succeed in building a co-operative if not friendly relationship thru mediation and counseling.