In No State to Become a Mother..

I think you are being very realistic and very responsible. More power to you! Too many people don't take the time to think kids out like they should and you have.

Yes, you are being very reasonable and are thinking about the welfare of the children. Kudo's to you!

Yes you're being realistic. If you're uncertain about having permanent birth control you might look into having some eggs frozen before the tubal and doing IV later on. Or you could always adopt. You've very unselfish. There are many people who have kids for selfish reasons and are not in a mental state to care for them. Having kids is a huge responsibly both financially and emotionally. I have a dear friend who struggled with her sanity having to go off of her meds while pregnant and BF. It was tough.

Absolutely! I commend you for being so responsible. Go get those tubes tied if that's what you have been thinking of doing. Husband can get a vasectomy, too. It's not surgery like tubal ligation. You know yourself well and realize that you are fragile emotionally and physically. It will be harder raising a child with all that's going on.

Yes, and I wish more people would be as honest with themselves BEFORE having children!

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Yes, you are being wise and realistic! Thank you for having the perspective to know yourself that well. Not everyone is meant to be a parent. Even with reasonable support and preparation it can be very hard sometimes. If you have Borderline Personality disorder it would probably be very hard to be calm and consistent with a child, especially when they are doing everything they can to push your limits.

I worked with children in foster care and some were removed due to the parent's mental health issues. It was not a happy situation for anyone. Even when the child ended up in a stable family situation with relatives or by adoption it was only after the child went through a lot of emotional pain.

You are so strong for even posting this!! Yes Yes Yes, you are being realistic and doing the right thing. The MOST important thing in life is taking care of YOU! For some reason, people feel that once a couple is married, they are supposed to have children. Children are a blessing, not a MUST HAVE, and NOT for every person/couple.
Take care of you, and I send you much love and as much support as a posting can do :)

I'm wondering why you're asking this.
Is it because your doctor won't agree to the procedure?
I'm asking that because I had a very good friend who loved children......
AS LONG AS SHE NEVER HAD TO HAVE ONE!
She was incredibly intelligent, successful, had traveled extensively, she did not want any children of her own. She had neices and nephews and adored other people's children, but she wanted no part of motherhood. Her doctor would not do a tubal ligation because they didn't feel she was making an informed decision at 30 years old. They thought she might change her mind someday. Eventually she had a hysterectomy after developing uterine fibroids and she never did have kids, by choice.
Some people do understand that they are either not cut out to be parents or they just don't want to do it. There's nothing wrong with that. It's called family planning for a reason. You should be able to choose having children or not having them. I think the only problem might be that sterilization is permanent. You really need to be discussing this with your doctor because only he or she can determine if this procedure would further depress you or your husband. Your entire situation needs to be evaluated by all the professionals that care for you.
But, in my opinion, it's not "unrealistic" for some people to choose not to have kids.

Take care of yourself and best wishes.

Congratulations for being a responsible, strong, selfless human being. Having children is not an obligation and they do not necesserily make a couple happy. I know plenty of people who decided to not have children (for different reasons) and they have fulfilling lives. Keep taking care of yourself and know that people like you make the difference in this world. You have my deepest admiration.

P., ex wife of a (likely) BDP sufferer.

I think you are being very realistic. If more people were aware that they did not want/were not ready to have kids, the world would be a better place! If you're sure you NEVER want to carry a child, tubal ligation or vasectomy would be the best option (assuming your husband feels the same way) Until then, I hope you are using very effective birth control. Best of luck to you!

I agree with everyone on here who has said there is absolutely nothing wrong with you being aware of the fact that for you, kids may not be the way to go. I'm also in agreement with one of the other poster's who asked why not look into your husband getting a vasectomy instead of you going in for a tubal ligation. Vasectomies are much less invasive & they're back home the same day. After going back & forth for several years over whether to add to the 2 kids we already have we decided at 33 years of age for my husband to have a vasectomy. I was very sad the day he went in for surgery, but am thrilled that I never have to be concerned with birth control again. Whatever way you choose to go though, know you're being responsible & mature to know that kids are not for you.

Not only are you being realistic, you are being very mature, responsible and selfless. Many people would go ahead and have children without thinking of the consequences. Personally, I think that getting your tubes tied is a great option. You can still have children later, they would just have to harvest your eggs and do in-vitro. I know it is hard to admit these types of things about yourself but I commend you for being so rational!

Only you know yourself and what you can handle. You are doing the right thing. I give you credit for being strong and admitting it.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with knowing what you do and do not want....and knowing your limitations....not everyone needs to have children!

You take care of you....and hubby...sounds like a nice "family" to me!

You are being very realistic. If you know the issues you and your husband have and you know that in no way shape or form could you and your husband be the parents your child would need then please do not have children and let them suffer!!!! I commend you on knowing what will and will not work for you and your husband and having the balls to say so. Also having a "happy little family" doesn't have to include children with all of today's modern family's a family is what you make it and that may just include you and your hubby!

I think your being very responsible but why not just go for an IUD. They last for up to 5 years and it's not permanent. If your gung ho on a permanent fix you should consider having your husband get a vasectemy. I've heard its a much more simple procedure. And theyre home the same day.

Sure! Why do you feel you aren't? Is your husband pressuring you to have children? We have many couple friends in their 40s and 50s who have no children, never wanted children and are quite happy without them. Many people this day and time are electing not to have kids, and I think it's wonderful that society is finally coming around to the idea that not everyone needs to have children or is suited to being a parent. The LAST thing someone who doesn't feel like they should ever have kids should do is have kids! People who don't feel like anyone is complete without having children are small-minded. They can't seem to realize that just because something is right for them, doesn't mean it's right for everyone! The world would be in much better shape if far fewer people had children! My husband and I made the conscious decision to have kids in our mid-30s. I made sure he understood when we married at 30 that I wasn't completely sure I wanted kids and he was fine with that. Ultimately we decided we did, and I love them more than anything, but I also know that we could have lived happily and enjoyably without children.

it's much more reasonable to be childless and happy than have a child and be miserable. Is it your husband who is telling you this, because if he wants children and you dont, that could be a problem. If it's everyone else, well, it's none of their business.

Yes, if you truly have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and your husband has depression, please get your tubes tied. I am a psychotherapist and I think that you are making a very wise decision, since you can't really treat a personality disorder, only manage it (can't comment on your husband's depression as I have never met him), so I think that you are being very wise to consider that option b/c it would be very, very difficult and potentially very unfair to a child.

There's no requirement for women to have kids in order to be fulfilled. If you aren't able to find a doctor who will agree to giving you a tubal ligation, contact Planned Parenthood for counseling on this decision (a good idea anyway to be sure you are clear), and a referral to a doctor who will do the surgery.

I don't know you, L., but based on what you have written, you are quite possibly making a good choice. I actually know several women in their 60's or older who have chosen never to have children for a variety of reasons, and they have all been satisfied with their decisions. Two of my sisters never became mothers, and for one in particular, she knew there would be no possible way she'd be a good enough mom (our childhoods were extremely dysfunctional).

I wish you well with your decision, whichever way you go.

Yes you are, and also brave to admit it. I would never want to see a child brought into the world that was not able to have every advantage they deserve. Kudos to you for doing what is right for you and your husband!!

I would not get your tubes tied... get the 10 year IUD so you can change your mind later.. if things change..

iud is cheaper and totally reversable..

Hi,

You never know if your circumstances might change.....unless you are POSITIVE you don't want children EVER- then just get a long-term IUD or birth control option. Good luck.

M

Not everyone has to have children. It sounds like me that you are making a good decision based on your and your husbands lives and needs. Some people aren't made to be parents and there is nothing wrong with that. If I KNEW I didn't want kids I would probably either do it myself or have my husband get done so that we wouldn't have to worry about an "oops" ever for sure.

My view is, if a person doesn't want children (or think they shouldn't), then don't! As other have said, you do not have to birth children to be fulfilled. You aren't less of a woman, less complete, etc. I love my son, but I don't really love children. I'm glad I had him, but I would have been 100% OK, if I didn't have any. I'm a good mom and I love being a mom to my son, but I don't feel more complete then I did before. Do whatever you feel, is correct for your life.

totally, maybe if someday you guys decise that hay this could be fun and everything fits, adopt.

I think what you have come to terms with is fine. Not everyone is as responsible as you are about not bringing kids into this world when they know they might not be able to handle all of it. I commend you for really looking at all that you have had to deal with and thinking about making the choice to not have kids. Have your tubes tied or get the husband a vasectomy if he's willing to do that. If motherhood is not for you....then why take chances, right?

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have children. The good thing is that there are other means of birth control until you are absolutely sure.

I wish everyone put as much thought and soul searching and choice into the thought of parenthood as you so obviously have.

Talk to your OB/Gyn. There are many reliable, safe but less permanent birth control options out there. We have come a long way since The Pill. You can make a 5 year birth control plan that would keep you "safe" but still give you the option to change your mind or go forward to tubal ligation in your mid-30s.

L., if you are sure that children are not for you, ever, then this is a good idea. Hubby not having a full time job "at the moment" should not play into the occasion - tubal ligation is not an "at this moment" thing, it is for people who never want to have children. You have enough reasons not to want to have children. So many people have children simply because it's "expected" of them, they think it's what they are supposed to do, people pressure them or tell them they are being selfish for not having children, when the opposite is quite true - it's selfish to bring children into the picture if you are not going to be able to be a good parent and provide a happy, stable, functional home and family. If you do not want children, you can still lead a happy and functional life without them. I am sorry to hear of your health issues and I hope that your doctors are able to keep them under control.
I have much respect for you for recognizing that you are not in the best position to have children and that it might be better not to.

Do you not want want children BECAUSE of your depression? I have to think that things COULD improve before your baby making days are done if you could find the cause of your depression. Believe it or not, it could be something you are eating. It could be trauma from one of your "bad events" that you mentioned. Food allegies have all kinds of side effects and past traumas need to be worked through....those two things together could be causing your depression. Have you seen a holistic type doctor that deals with your whole system? Going to one doc for one thing, another for something else etc...they do not talk to eachother and meds can "argue" with eachother. I guess I would ask you this...would you and hubby WANT a family if you were emotionally stable? This could be a goal for both of you. Find out what's causing this depression so you can have what you want and have an abundant life, rather than what you have described. Do you go to church? We go to Kensington in Troy. It is a wonderful place and has a Celebrate Recovery group that meets every Monday evening, at 7pm, that deals with all kinds of "Hurts, Habits and Hang-ups" . Attendees are able to talk things out with others who have the same issues. Everyone is very friendly and welcoming, it is of course spiritually based...the only way to get better! I don't know where Twin Lakes is in reference to Troy, Michigan but many churches have programs such as this and help lots of people. Wouldn't it be great to find out what is causing all this and NOT have to be on 3 medications and basically housebound? I hope you can find some help for the both of you, this might be the best first step...it can't hurt. I would also like to add that you ARE being realistic about your circumstances. Bringing an unwanted baby into your lives right now would be a disaster. Talk with your doc about the best BC methods. Something permanent might not be the answer since you are so young, you might find some recovery and healing and change your mind. All the best to you!

i thing you are being realistic about your cababilities are are looking into a solution that fits your needs.

I think only you know the answer to this question, L.. If you aren't sure, you can use the birth control shots until you are sure. I think you are just being realistic and also kind to potential children. Parenting takes every ounce of strength, wellness, and love you can muster and has to be consistent to produce good mental health in the child. I love children but I wish more folks would think through the long-term consequences before jumping into the pool. The financial aspects are the least of your worries. Borderline Personality Disorder is a tough one to live with and can be very hurtful to those around you, so a vulnerable child isn't a good idea. Good for you - and God bless you, L.!

I think you are being responsible, but I would also talk it over with a therapist or a doctor. You want to be sure this is not a decision you want to change down the road. Though if you do, there is a great way to have kids without getting off your meds - adoption.

Good luck

Why don't you postpone that decision a little longer while you are still young. And if you did become pregnant doctors may be able to work with other meds or assist you. Perhaps now is not the best time and maybe never will be. I admire your honesty. My sister never wanted children. She has dogs.And is happily married and a career I admire. I could never understand not wanting to have children. Mine have just left the nest so to speak and I am heartbroken but mother hood is not for everyone. You are courageous to come into the open and admit your feelings about it. And I applaud you for whatever decision you make. Bad events can happen in anyone's life with or without children, people get depressed with or without children. One of my children was recently diagnosed with biopolar disorder. I do not love him any less. So you have looked at both sides of the issue. There are a lot of birth control devices you can use until you decide if you want to do something permanent. My heart goes out to you for your courage.

Sounds like you know yourself and you and your husband's limits. Having children is a personal decision, and it sounds as if you have made a sound choice based on your needs and life. Stick to your guns--if you do not wish to have children, there isn't a thing wrong with that. Hugs to you.

I have 3 children and our family was complete upon the birth of our third child. Surprise, surprise, I am pregnant with our 4th child. It's taken me a lot of time to adjust to this surprise that honestly has felt more like a burden than anything. Acceptance has been a slow process. But I put my faith and my trust in God and I know He allowed this pregnancy to happen for a reason I shall never understand. My OB asked me if I wanted to have my tubes tied. I declined after the birth of my last child due to concerns that first of all, women DO get pregnant with their tubes tied (ectopic pregnancies are very common) and secondly, there have been other "complications" associated with having ones tubes tied. I am including a link for you to take a look at. I was sitting in a doctor's office two weeks ago and met a woman who was my age with 3 small children like myself. We began conversing and she told me that her youngest was also a surprise. She had her tubes tied 5 years ago! I believe that no matter what form of birth control measures you take, if God wants you to have a child, it will be done. My method of birth control was working just fine for the past 4 years. But here I am pregnant again.

You are 28 years old. That is still very young. I was 28 when I conceived my first child. I purposefully waited that long and some women wait even longer for various reasons. It is costly to reverse a procedure. I have a good friend who spent $10,000 for fertility treatments. Your depression could also be affecting how you are feeling about having a family. IF you really do not want children right now, then use birth control and have your husband use a condom. It's a very personal decision but just make sure it's one you can live with.

http://www.tubal.org/symptoms_of_pts.htm

Yes, but I think you and your husband need to get better or a different kind of help than you are getting, for your own personal happiness. If you are open to the idea, try an acupuncturist, chiropractor, or naturopath for the back pain, depression, and personality disorder, or try religious counseling.

Anti-depressants have bad side effects, especially the longer they are taken, and have been proven to not cure depression, only treat it, and not that great, either.

I see that you have gotten LOTS of support here, which is what Mamapedia is all about. I applaud your honesty.

My very best to you.

Dear L.,

You ask if you are "being realistic", and I think that you are being VERY realistic and insightful!! I worked with adults in a community residential program who were struggling with mental illnesses (BPD, Bi-polar, schizophrenic) and the ones who seemed to always be struggling were the ones who had no insight or perspective on their strengths and weaknesses. In this short paragraph, you seem to show that you are aware of your strengths and limitations.

But not knowing you personally, I would highly suggest that you also discuss this with your psychiatrist and your Gynecologist. Your psychiatrist (or someone that has known how you cycle) will be able to help you better discern if this is really a healthy direction for you, or if maybe you are just in an especially low time right now. Any psychiatrist that has treated you for a number of years will understand your history and also understands the complexity of having children. (I don't know the statistics, but I know that in our program all of the women who had children eventually either had them taken away or were divorced and the husband had custody of the children.)

I would also discuss with my psychiatrist and gynecologist about what method of long term birth control would be in my best interest. With a tubal ligation I think you might have to go off of your meds (because I think it is considered a surgery). Is this something that you and your doctors think is the best method? Or perhaps another long term birth control would be better for your health? (Maybe your husband would be willing to have a vasectomy?)

I have also read some women who suggested if you later wanted to have children to "adopt". You didn't mention this as an option... But since you are trying to be realist I hope that you already know that adoption can be very expensive AND (unfortunately) it can be very difficult for someone who has a diagnosis. Potential adoptive parents are held to a much higher standard than "regular" parents. (Not to discourage you, but just some realism.)

I hope you have heard the wonderful support of all the women that have said that it is OK not to have children. It is difficult enough to be a parent when you think you can, to already know that you have physical, mental and economic challenges to overcome just means that you have given this topic the thought and attention that it deserves.

I pray that you find the answers you are looking for!
Blessings to you!
B.

Sounds like you are being honest with yourself.

It sounds like you are thinking about what would be in the best interest of the child in the short and long run. Go with your heart, listen to what it's telling you. PEOPLE THINK BABIES CAN ONLY MAKE YOU HAPPY, they also change the dynamics of family life for good and bad. So, given your mental health issues as well as your husband's ailments, again listen to your heart. You don't want to have a child and then experience postpartum depression which will compound your underlying depression. Again, listen to your heart.

A LOT can happen in 10 years. Right now you have very good reasons for not wanting to be a parent, but what if in the upcoming decade, you and your husband both experience healing that you haven't imagined possible? Then you may want to have children. I have a dear friend with borderline personality disorder who has experienced such healing; the disorder evens out with age. Why not look into other birth control methods that aren't forever?

Good for you for being honest with your feelings. Not everyone should become a parent and there is NOTHING WRONG with that. Parenting is tough even when you know you want to be a mom and don't have the odds stacked against you. I think it is great that if you realize that it is not for you and are looking to prevent it. I think the world would be a much better place if only those that truly wanted a child would have them. You sound like you are trying to make the most realistic and responsible choice for your situation.

To me, you're being totally realistic in your way of thinking. I'm not so sure I would go as far as getting my tubes tied just yet; perhaps get something like Mirena or another IUD that's not permanent for the time being. There are always new developments in medications & medical procedures themselves daily. Also, your hubby may get a full-time job in the future. If, in a few years, you decide that having a biological child is definitely not for you, then go ahead with the surgery. And remember--there's always adoption if you do go through with it and change your mind :)

I want to commend you -- that's really wonderful that you are THINKING about what is best for you and your family -- and not just jumping into motherhood because it's 'expected'... Not only are you being realistic, you are being a HERO. I cannot commend you enough for recognizing #1. that you don't want children, and #2. that perhaps you and your husband aren't in the position right now (mentally or economically) to support a family in emotional and monetary ways. Perhaps in a few years you will be in a different place... emotionally and economically -- but for now it sounds like you know you don't want kids, and you are smart enough to say maybe it wouldn't be best for you or your husband. There are other forms of birth control to use if you are saying that you may want kids in the future. Women have babies into their forties now. I had my first at 36 and second at 37. Babies are hard, and wonderful!!! But if you're not in the best place yourself right now -- and have doubts about having kids - don't have them! Babies deserve to be cared for and loved an incredible amount. I'm sure you would care for and love your baby, but it takes a toll on you - and if you're having some issues, it would only make your issues worse. I have a friend who experienced post partum depression and it was awful. I have never had any sort of depression, and I LOVE having kids -- but even I can say it can drive you nuts at times - the lack of sleep, the crying, the stress it can put on you and your husband. Plenty of my friends have decided not to have kids, and they are really happy with their lives. It is a personal decision, just keep being responsible - sounds like you really are. Again, I think you're doing the right thing. I guess it would be super hard though, if your husband wants kids... yikes.

i feel you have very justifyable reasons for feeling the way you do. ultimately that is 1st and foremost YOUR decision, then to be supported by your hubby. with his background being so close to your's, i cant imagine he wouldnt. i feel that by deciding this its a very realistic approach! i've seen where others have suggested long term birth control 1st before you make the permenant leap. i dont see any harm in that either. be sure you do give it alot of thought 1st. BEST OF LUCK!!!

Why? Are you pregnant?

This world and the children in it would be SO much better off if everyone, man and woman, gave parenting as much thought and soul searching as you!!!! You can always decide down the line to adopt if, and only if, YOU decide you want a child.

Are you feeling pressure to become a mother?

I think you're being very responsible and realistic. Not every woman has to be a mother and not every man a father. If the two of you have talked about this, and neither of you feel that you can handle parenting, then don't.

Parenting is great. You get hugs and kisses and cuddles. Parenting is also very stressful. You get fights, sleepless nights and stress. (And don't even get me started on the pre-teen/teen hormones!) But not everyone is cut out for it, or wants it. I'm impressed that you seem to have thought this out and decided what you think is best for your life. I applaud you for that.

You've gotten a lot of responses, I just wanted to add my two cents :) I think that not having children right now is the best choice for both of you. I don't know about having a tubal, but you can get an IUD like the Mirena. It's non-surgical and lasts for 5 years. If neither of you have insurance, it's a far cheaper way to go than a surgery. The IUD is inserted at the doctors office. It doesn't take very long and you are able to resume your regular routine immediately. I never had any problems with mine. I think you are being very realistic about not having children. I just wanted to present another option to save you from having a HUGE hospital bill to pay.

Yes, you are being realistic. My sil has borderline and it's been a very rough struggle as her being a mother (esp since she is in denial and is not taking her meds or her therapy), I worry about her children to be honest.

I know through meds and therapy, bpd's can live very fulfilling lives when they keep it very closely managed, it sounds like you are taking the proper steps through treatment and by being honest with yourself.

I know you may not like this suggestion, but maybe you can adopt a cat or dog for now, one that can really cuddle with you all and be trained so you can still have that tender nurturing and vibrant little innocent personality on your home?

One person suggested the "Stop Walking on Eggshells book", I agree, it's very informative and can be helpful to both of you:
http://www.bpdcentral.com/bks/swoe.php

what a difficult reality to come to grips with. i think you are being so smart though. there are not just "good parents" and "bad parents". there is a whole spectrum. there are many who have absolutely no excuse except selfishness, who probably shouldn't have kids. yet people keep popping them out. i wish i could give you a big hug.

there is always a chance that things will calm down, as well. if it's something you really want, work with your doctors to get to a more stable place in your life, ditto for your husband.

lastly, no you shouldn't be planning a family right now...but keep in mind, should "it" happen, i for one firmly believe we are not given anything we can't handle. you would get through it. and like most of us you would probably be even stronger after.

good luck in your journey. i hope you have lots of good friends and family for your support.

I think getting your tubes tied is good for you but than again babies have a way of making you happy and meting your heart unless you have one thats colicky and you go to bed with migraines every night because your baby won't stop screaming. Just a thought but a baby could cure your depression or make you suicidal........ but in your case I say go with the tubes.

I have BPD...get into DBT and take care of yourself. This isn't about having a kid. Have your husband start reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and then if he is able to help you help yourself, then MAYBE the both of you could consider bringing a baby into your lives.

I don't think you should do anything permanant. things change people heal. Four and a half yrs ago I was making regular trips to the ER due to my bulimia, and a severe mood disorder that caused me to cut and burn myself to the extent I was suffering severe blood loss. I was also covered in bruises due to malnutrition. I haven't cut or burn myself in three yrs now, and where I was admit I still get horriable panic attacks sometimes, but I am able to care for my son and in a way he saved my life, because if i didnt have him i might have allowed myself to fall again

My husband's friend is bipolar and he has a 2 year old son. The way they interact is very questionable, he has no patience, he is jumpy and anxious all the time around the child, any noise will bother him.
I think since the baby was born his stress level has gone through the roof. I feel really bad for his child to be quite honest, he gets yelled at a lot from his dad. I'm not saying he doesn't love the child, but I'm saying being a father it's clearly too much to handle for him, funny thing is he is pressuring his wife to have another???? WTH!! they want a baby girl now...

I just want to say that I admire you and think you are being very responsible.

Absolutely! Not everyone wants to have kids. And your honest and realistic approach is commendable. You're taking your health situations very seriously and I'd applaud you even if you were undecided about kids.

And the thing is, is that having your tubes tied is reversable should you change your mind later or if your health factors change later. But there is absolutely no reason for anyone to push you to do something you don't feel inclined to do anyway.
The best to you.

It's important to be true to yourself and rely on your instincts. No one know you or your home life better than you. You and your husband are a family with or without children.

Many fine people live a full life without having a baby or raising children.

There's always the option In the future, to offer your time or money to nurture a child as a Children's Advocate in the Foster Care System or Mentor through the Boys & Girls Clubs.

It sounds like it's time for you to speak to an OB/GYN and find out your options. I am wishing you the best.
A.

Yes you are realistic, but getting your tubes tied is permanent usually.
Are you sure your depression is under control?
If you are, and you know you don't want kids, don't have them. Don't let others pressure you. You have a full plate taking care of you.