Inappropriate Behavior by Teacher or Just Sweet?

I think h teacher was just overwhelmed about how fast he is growing physicall and msically. Maybe he reminnded her of her family members or allof he work she has done as a music teacher.
Don't worry too much or if you are worried Ask her why she teared up. Maybe she was going through something.
S.

There is nothing wrong with being alerted, sometimes we have instincts like that for good reason. It also could be that she just has different social norms... some people are very huggy and other people are not used to such affection from non-family members or very close friends. I think many teachers have gotten away from showing affection (like a hug) because of some of the horrible cases we hear in the news about teachers, priests, and other adults having completely inappropriate relationships with children. I would pay good attention to the situation but not take any action for now.

That kinda sends up red flags for me.

I would say something to her about how it is a little too much and you are uncomfortable with it. Hopefully she'll tone it down a bit.

Either way, I would casually say something to another professional there so there is documented history in case anything happens.

My fingers are crossed for ya

I'm old fashioned when it comes to this. I'm a huggy-kissy person who still believes in spankings when a child misbehaves and hugs and pats when a child does well. Nowadays it's so horrible that a teacher can't show pride in a student or affection or caring by touching a shoulder or a pat on the head without somebody thinking they're a pedophile. If your red flags go up, your the mother, say something. But ask yourself if your red flags are going up because YOU don't feel comfortable with a 70 yo woman showing pride to your son, or because you think that in general as a society nobody should be touching your child but you. I hate to go off because I don't want to make you think you're wrong. It's just that I wish we as a society hadn't become so extreme that our children will soon be taught by robots just so that there's no human contact involoved. As a mother, I hug, pat, kiss on the head, tickle and gently swat my kids' friends whenever the situation warrants it. It's what I'm comfortable with, but I wouldn't be offended if a parent asked me to stop.

I think you should put the red flag down and start appreciating that people love your son.

I am skeptical, too, there are lots of weirdos in this world. But considering her age, that generation, I don't think it was inappropriate. It sounds like this is a private lesson? That makes a difference in my opinion, too. It's a more intimate setting for the 3 of you and she may feel more freedom to express her pride. The boundaries are slightly different from, say, a public first grade class of 20 students where professionalism would be paramount. It's hard to judge when you are not there, and I am all for following up on the red flags, but I think you should be careful not to overreact. Go with your first instinct and chalk your doubts up to cynicism at this point. Just continue to monitor and stay in the lesson so you can be certain. How did your son react?

I think that it is great that the teacher is caring about ur child that much. But there is a fine line between teacher and student relationship. It is said to say and hear about the things that are happening know and days. U do have every right to be conceraned about what i u are seeing.

Sit down after a class and ask ur son how he feels when she does that. And also see if u can sit down and talk to the teacher also. Just let her know how u feel and see if there is a reason why she dose that to ur son. Just be open about it.

But the thing is that all the stuff that we are hearing about has been going on for years, it is just in the past few years that people have spoken up and out about the issue.

Talk to the teacher and let her know that u are not saying that she is hurting ur son, but that u are concerned about the way that she is with him. And see how ur son feels about the kiss behind the ear. If he dosen't really like it, then let the teacher know that also. Help ur childern speack up know, so that they can do it later if ever needed.

I would also say that is was innocent. The teacher has obvioulsy taken a liking to your son. I am sure teachers can get attached to those few students that really excel and/or work hard. I would just make sure that it didn't bother your son any. If he didn't seem bothered by it, then you are probably fine.

I think it is sad in today's day that we even have to question this one. I think that it is perfectly fine in this situation....remember raising kids is NEVER one size fits all anything!!! Also remember that your own anxieties have no place being projected onto your children. Careful is one thing...paranoid is another.

Have you talked to your son and asked him how he felt about the contact? If it made him feel uncomfortable, then you would need to address it with his teacher. I agree with Brandy H. who commented earlier that you should begin the conversation with "It seemed like you were very emotional last week when you spoke about my son's progress." If she doesn't pick up from there, you could say, "I'd like to talk about that," and share your feelings and certainly your sons if it made him uncomfortable.

L.S., you're definitely being an awesome alert mother, but I'm thinking our society has gotten the best of you here and you have nothing to worry about. I think it's so sad that teachers, who spend so much time developing our children, have been forced to take innocent, nuturing and rewarding human touch out of the picture.

I think that as long as you're there with them the whole time, you shouldn't worry. I'm wondering if she doesn't see a little of her own child in him. If you're really worried about it, just ask her. Say something like, it's so sweet that you care about him so much. Do you see something special in him? Who knows....she may just need someone to talk to.

I think you are severely overreacting. The world needs more teacher like your son's.

Some of the responses are a bit alarming to me.

I will say -- the women is older, maybe seasoned with life, but writing her off a "old" is rather disrespectful. Our older people around us hold the keys to many wisdom's and experiences that our younger generations sell short as OLD instead of cherishing what they bring to the table.

If it is bothersome to your child approach her, and give her the opportunity to explain the reasoning behind the actions/emotions. Simply attaching a reason to her action is not fair to her.

For the record. My sons NATIONALLY CERTIFIED Teacher hugged him for the two years that he looped with her -- she is younger. My dd's teachers hugged her for the 9 years she was in a Christian school. My sons Sunday School teacher hugs them all the time too. I am very grateful for the warm and loving environnment my children have grown in. I am hopeful that my children grow to love mankind in a similar manner.

I'm a mother of 8 who had a daughter molested at the public school by a janitor and a teacher during the school day! I thought they were both great! We had no idea that they were raping our daughter. Due to this happening I am now a bit more over cautious than the average person, but I think as mothers it is our job to protect our children period. This situation with the piano teacher may very well have been an innocent jesture, but if it happens again, I would tell her that you do not want her to kiss your son again (no physical contact).
To the rest of you moms out there... just because someone is nice and sweet and perhaps older does NOT mean they are not a perpetrator. Child molesters hang out where they have easy access to our children--schools, churches, playgrounds, etc. Go onto Megan's Law and look at the ages of some of these perps. There is no set stereotype for perps. They come in all ages, sizes, sexual preferences and backgrounds. Some are very well educated, upstanding (so we think) members of society. Ask questions, talk openly with your children, etc. Don't be fooled! Our daughter was threatened so be sure your child(ren) knows to tell you no matter what!
L.

It does sound harmless and sweet - old ladies are that way, she probly has nothing in her life besides her students {kids} I also work in day care, and I hug and kiss my kids all the time. No red flags go up for me. Besides, your son is old enough to tell you if something inappropriate did happen.

Hi L S,

I would say it is nothing to worry about. I work around kids and often kiss their heads when I am holding them (babies). I don't even realize I've done it until afterwards...LOL

Your son is probably like a grandson to her and she acted like any Grandmother would have.

L.

Being that this is a woman in her 70s, I'm thinking it is nothing to worry about. Just a grandmotherly gesture. I know that women of that age group grew up in a less paranoid time than we have and that this type of gesture was quite normal to them, overall.

If you had said, she is left alone with him at each lesson or that he reacts strangely to going to his lessons or after having his lessons (and they were alone with her), then I would worry.

I realize this is a professional setting and maybe this was more than you are comfortable with but i don't think I would worry. However, if it bothers you, then talk to her about it. You could say something like. "While I appreciate how much you care for my son, with all of the horrible things that can happen to kids and all of the changes in school policies, I have to ask you not to hug or kiss him. Please feel free to pat him on the back or give him a handshake. However, with the public schools new hands off policies, I need him to understand that you don't hug or kiss teachers or other children at school. I, also, want him to understand that hugs and kisses are reserved for close friends and family only. I don't want him to meet a stranger in the park and think he or she is a friend so it is okay for them to touch me. I know that sounds extreme but I'm trying to head off any confusion he may have about appropriate and inappropriate touching before it becomes an issue."

Wow, I think that may be been a bit wordy but I think you probably get what I'm saying. Just tell her how much you appreciate that she cares for him and ask her to stop the behaviors that make you uncomfortable and maybe the reason it makes you uncomfortable.

Anyhow, I hope that my very wordy response is helpful. Good luck.

L.S.

I would not worry about that...Here's why, I grew up in a large Italian hugging smooching family and I am constantly kissing my nephews or my kids...and maybe this woman was brought up the same way...giving affection that way...but if you feel it's not appropriate...then I would get to know her and her background. It is your son and to take all percautions is just being a great Mom. take care.

Unless there is more to the story than you described, it sounds like she is just being a typical 70yo woman. That's what they do...love the kids in their lives. Perhaps your son is truly a really great little kid and has brought some meaning into this lady's life by really trying and enjoying her class. Or perhaps she once lost a child or grandchild your son's age. Who knows what the tears were about. If it happens again and for some reason disturbs you, just ask her if she's ok. In the mean time, It wouldn't bother me if an old woman who's known my son for a bit gives him a hug and kiss. He's a loveable guy!

Hi. Wow, you are really over-thinking this one IMO. When I was a child it was fine for a teacher to give hugs, and smacks on the hand when neccessary. What is happening to us when we start to think that 70 yr old ladies are "inappropriate" because they give a hug to a child that has worked hard and deserves it? Espically if your in the room!!! It makes you wonder what we are becomming? Relax...not every person you meet is a child molester in desquise.

Hi L.S.

If the woman is that old, I think this is normal. Now, how are you know what this teacher is doing?

Go to one of his music lessons and see for yourself.

If you are anxious about what you see for yourself, then address the teacher about what your son is saying. Not in front of your son.

Hope this helps. D.

I am studying to get my certification in secondary education and we discussed this last night in class. Basically, the instructor said that because of the society we live in, try not to touch the students at all.

That said, I remember hugging teachers in school and never thought anything of it. My teachers were proud, we would hug. I encourage my kids to hug their pre-school teachers in my presence. Since you were present, I would not have a problem with it. I would also educate my child on what is appropriate and not - I think the video by Julie Clark and John Walsh is pretty good. I keep meaning to get it for my kids.

Good luck.

Being that the woman is in her 70's....I think she's just a sweet woman who cares about your son.

Isn't it sad the state of the world today....that we have to be suspicious of everyone.

Sad but true.

Hi LS:

WHile I can understand your concern....Let's look here at the age. In todays modern world, as teachers we are NOT to call kids by terms of endearment due to Hurting a child's self esteem and so forth. Wild huh? THey have put so many restrictions and demands on how a teacher is to be around a student that it's almost miltary. Even a simple hug is considered a No-No. They look at it as a sexual approach towards children all due to the rise in previous cases of student and teacher relationships outside the classroom.
This woman you say is in her 70's....she's not thinking that I assume. IN her days that wasn't even a problem. As they and teachers get older, they feel less effect on their behavior and revert back to the days of their days. SO--
I would just do as you do and be there for every practice but if it helps to tell your son about sexual advances...in the sense that if he is not confortable with hugs and kisses from "strangers" or anyone, then he is of age to do so and say "no, please don't do that." There is no harm in that.
Otherwise, that is a matter that really wouldn't put a red flag in my head and I am known as the most skeptical person here, I trust NO one!!! :-)!

M.

I'll first apologize for my very late response. I just returned from a BoyScout leadership training at a camp, with no internet, or cell service. I'm no where near 70 yet, but I can speak from my experience working with children that I have become quite "emotionally" attached to some of the children I've worked with. I volunteered in the classroom, and was on the parent policy council with the "HeadStart" program when my younger 2 children were enrolled in the program. After 2 years of volunteering, and attending a few child development conferences I took a job with HeadStart as a classroom aide. It is not very hard to feel a deep sense of pride myself when I witness a child master something I've helped them learn, and yes sometimes it's so strong it brings tears to my eyes. It's nothing "perverse" at all, and I hope it never gives a parent cause to worry. It's comparable to watching your "own" child do the same. I'm also extremely involved in the scouting program in our community, as I have a son in cubscouts, and one in boyscouts. I've also experienced the same sense of "pride" when one of them earns an award, advancement, or some other accomplishment, like overcoming "homesickness" on a campout for the first time away from their parents/family. Seeing their own self pride in their individual accomplishments, and knowing you "helped" them get there, even if it was only in a very small way, is a really great feeling. I have not been a foster/adoptive parent, but am a "stepmom" to a 30 year old "child" that came to live with his dad and I at age 9, and I can say my pride in his accomplishments/achievements was/is just as deep as for my "biological" children. He and his wife also "blessed" us with a set of twin boys 4 years ago, and although I'm not their bio grammy, I am still their grammy, and can't help but Love them. When I was a child I had a "grandma" that was a lovely older lady who frequently ate in my parents business. When she came in and I was there I recall feeling just as happy to see her as I was to see my "biological" grandmas on visits. She always gave me hugs and kisses, as well as birthday and Christmas presents too. To this day it still gives me the "warm fuzzy" feeling knowing someone else in my childhood was there to just love and be proud of me.

I know things in our world are way different now. As a parent I've also been concerned when a teacher/classroom aide or group leader takes what seems to be "too much" of a personal interest in one of my children. Having taken child protection courses in both HeadStart and BoyScouts, as well as the Virtus (Protecting Gods Children) training for those working with children through my church, I learned skills on recognizing "inappropriate behaviors". It is a shame that our world has become such a scary place, and we all feel the need to question others intentions. I think as long as you are present at his lessons, and there's no attempts to "force you out" and be alone with him behind a locked door, you can relax some. If she were to request that, I'd definitely voice your concerns. When an "open door", parents welcome anytime policy is not in effect it raises major concerns. I've had experience with "locked doors" at daycares/schools for security reasons but the only time I'd ever agree to these is if there are always two or more adults, not spouses etc., in the rooms at all times. In scouts we call this "two deep leadership", it's a policy that protects not only the children, but the adults as well.

I'm sorry this was late, and so long. I do hope it helped. Good luck, and happy parenting:-)

Relax. You need not worry about this teacher who seemed to be sharing her happiness and pride in your son. You should consider yourself and your son blessed to have a teacher that is invested in your son's musical talent. Don't allow your skeptism to ruin a relationship that is beneficial to you son. That momemt probably meant alot to him.

I think it was most likely innocent and the fact that you are there for the lessons means that nothing inappropriate will happen. I know when my son has friends over (he's 5) and I am watching O. of them for several hours, there are times that they climb onto my lap or hug me and I hug them back and sometimes give a little peck on the head...as a mom it seems to come automatically especially for the kids I find to be really sweet! I'm honored to be considered some to be their "surrogate mom" while they're in my care! :)

It sounds harmless and sweet, but you are his mother and protector, so continue to be in the room and be observant. Also, read your sons body language. The lady was probably just overwhelmed with how well he is doing and her love of music.

I am an RN who works with geriatric patients. Women of that age usually are just innocently showing love and support. I think you are very wise to be on guard. I think you are very wise to always be in the room with your child during any lessons of any kind.( I still do and my boys are 9 and 13 now.) If it were a younger woman, I would be concerned. Younger women of this day and age KNOW better. It is a very different world for us now than it was when that 70 year old was a young woman!!

You are doing the right thing for your son by just being present. He will be safe with you there. He is too young to be "dropped off" anywhere, in my opinion.

As a positive, in my opinion, it sounds like she is warm, loving and is encouraging his talent. Six year old need teachers like that. Positive, unconditional support will go a long way as he learns this new skill.

Does your son LIKE the teacher? Does HE seem comfortable with her as you watch him during the lessons? Is he learning and progressing as a little musician? How does HE feel about his progress? Things to think about. I hope I have been of help. Trish

I agree with everyone else - this is probably harmless. She your piano teacher was raised in a different age and if she had children of her own raised them in a very different age. This would not have caused much concern a generation ago.

BUT we're not there and no one else is. You have to trust your own intuition. If she really is creeping you out, go with your instinct. If you follow your gut and your are wrong, you will lose much less than if you ignore it and are right. Most people who have been victimized by others will tell you that they ignored a little voice inside of themselves telling them they were in danger.

I'm a big believer in 'gut' feelings...so don't dismiss those. If you don't feel comfortable with things...make sure to be there for every lesson...or find another teacher. I would NEVER leave my children alone with someone I didn't feel totally comfortable with. However, that said, it's probably as you thought...just a sweet gesture from a grandmotherly type woman. What does your son think? Is he comfortable with her? Most kids have a sense for these things. There was a man in my neighborhood who I got bad vibes from the one time I met him and my son felt exactly the same way...so we stay clear from his house.

She could be emotional and sweet. If you are there, I wouldn't worry at all. Go with your gut if you don't want to leave him alone, or if he doesn't like it, don't make him hug etc, but I wouldn't cause a stir over it. I am the same with my kids, very skeptical and protective, but we have an elderly neighbor widow, and it means a lot to her to get hugs from my kids, and I'm always there and they don't mind....I figure at that age they have a full history of life and heart breaks and if she is a good teacher and a good person and you're not sending him off to camp alone with her, it's fine. Good job being alert!

She may have been a little over-emotional, that is often a sign of old age.

I commend you for your overprotectedness. My veiw point from what you have said is that she is just a sweet old lady. Maybe your son reminds her of her child or grandchild. I know in todays day and age you can't be too carefull when it comes to child predators, but I have also seen VERY innocent people burned at the cross for just being a loving person. I used to drive school bus for mentally challenged children, though I had no children of my own, I fell in love with those kids. One boy with autism just one day out of the blue grabbed my and gave me a big kiss on the cheek while getting off the bus (he was only 6), I hugged him back and it brought tears to my eyes. Thankfully the monitor on my bus was a compassionate older lady and didn't turn me in for cuz I could've lost my job for giving an innocent boy and innocent sign of affection. Please don't over react, but keep an eye on it for now. Good luck to you and your son.

I also think it was a harmless gesture. It really is sad that we have to even wonder to ourselves about the loving attention of a 70 year old woman. That being said if it honestly makes you uncomfortable, you have to say something to her. If you arent sure, next time you see her I woudl mention the incident. Say something like "I noticed you got really emotional about my sons improvement last lesson" And see what she says. She may give you her story, which will put you at ease :)

Sadly, the world has changed and parents need to be extra careful with their kids. But things were really different when those in their 70's were raising their families.

As a fellow music teacher, I would appreciate the parents talking frankly to me if they felt I did something inappropriate, or they would prefer I not hug/touch their child. I usually just touch their shoulders--for encouragement, and also for teaching steady tempo..., but would be happy to refrain if the parents requested. If you don't feel comfortable talking to her yet, just continue to see if the behavior continues, or changes in any way.

We musicians can be sort of emotional, and my take is that she is just very excited to see young people doing well at something she really loves. But again, you are the parent and have the right to intervene if you want. Hope it all works out for you.

I agree that it's probably nothing, especially if this is a one on one lesson outside of a school setting. As long as you are there, I would not worry too much about it. I would definitely keep my eyes open though. I am a personal trainer and sometimes when a client reaches a goal I am very proud of them and I get so excited for them because I know how hard they worked to reach their goal. Because I am not a touchy feely kinda person I don't hug them or give them a kiss but I can see where someone else might. I think she is probably just showing her happiness for him. Has she been teaching him for awhile? Did he struggle with things in the beginning? Does she have grandkids his age? She is most likely harmless.

Hi!

I think you are correct to have your radar up! Honestly, it is a very dangerous world and there are so many predators who are waiting to pounce on our children. I would not allow my child to be alone with this teacher. If the behavior continues, I would think about switching teachers.

Best wishes!

I agree with everyone else that it sounds harmless. Honestly, when I read your question, I thought it sounded so nice that the teacher was caring and loving. I didn't get a creepy vibe at all. But our instinct is there for a reason, so stay watchful.

Hi LS.....I see you have a lot of responses, but I wanted to add that maybe you could find out a little more about her. She may have a grandson that she never sees and your son reminds her of that. She also may have another situation with her own children that causes her to get emotional when she is with him. I am also suspicious of people who pay special attention to my kids, but at the same time, this world is so full of people trying to harm others, we need to embrace the ones who are loving to our children.

I can understand how you may be suspicious. I think I would be too but if it was anything serious I don't think she would do it so openly in front of you. I think it would be more hidden.

As an educator it sounds a little unprofessional to be showing such effection for a student. But at the same time, it sounds like these music lessons are private maybe one-on-one style lessons from a much older lady who may be spenging time with children in that setting because she honestly enjoys children and at that stage of life I find that women are particularly sentimental, caring, and effectionate. If you are particularly uncomfortable with it you should bring it up and maybe even explain that you worry it could confuse your son as to how to act appropriately with teachers or other adults who are not related to him. Explain that you've spent much time working with him on appropriate interraction with people in different relationship roles and that you worry this kind of effection could confuse him since he is just starting to comprehend the different roles people in his community play in respect to him. Even if this is a complete lie I'm sure she would understand that...especially in today's world, it's important for your son to understand the difference to keep him a little safer from becoming a victim.

The welling up with tears part of your story resonated... A wonderful mentor of mine -also in her 70s- once said "we old ladies are gender neutral" And although it was strange to me at first (the different norms thing) she hugged her students, a lot. We taught in a residential treatment facility and the teenagers NEEDED the hugs and good wishes (it was palpable)... I in my 20s would never - touch another persons child - but there were MANY times I was GLAD she did... Humans have spirits - sometime teachers see an opertunity to reach out and touch them...

Sometimes our society makes us insular and preoccupied even numb and fearful of LOVE - I really don't think you have anything to fear from a women in her 70s - but that is just to calm your fears.

You are his mother, you have the intuition and you KNOW if the situation feels wrong IT IS WRONG...

You need to decide if you were just weirded out by it or if it really freaked you out.