Inlaws Mad over What We Got Rid Of.

That's tough. I feel guilty getting rid of things that my mom buys my son but he outgrows them and I can't keep every thing. Luckily she doesn't live with me so I can only hope she's forgotten by the next time she visits.
I guess to keep the peace just try to be as nice as possible when you say that a lot of things had to go, you weren't selecting only stuff they bought. Maybe say from now on you'll give them the option to keep it/store it for other grandchildren or whatnot before you sell it. But you honestly didn't see a problem with weeding out some of the older toys and you didn't mean for it to become 'personal'.
Good Luck!

I agree with Momof2girls. Their house, their stuff. If you want to get rid of something they have bought your daughter, tell them you don't have a place for it in her/your room anymore and ask them to find a different place for it. Then let them decide what to do with it. Once you are in your own house, then it's your house, your stuff. PS - when you do move, I wouldn't move the stuff they have given your daughter without talking to the in-laws first. They might want to keep it at their house. Then you wouldn't have to deal with it!

I think since you are living in their home they should have been asked if they wanted to keep it somewhere else for another grandchild etc. Selling something that is in their home, even though they brought it for your daughter kind of changes things in my opinion. I don't understand (not to judge) but why would a car payment keep you from living on your own. I think it is time, even if it is a studio apartment and you have to sleep on a couch. It sounds like you are all getting on each others nerves and rightfully so. When people get older they want things their way and it is probably nothing you are going to do to change that. If I were you I would start apt shopping and tell your in laws that you appreciate all that they buy, but right now there is no room for anything else. Ask them if they would start a savings account for your daughter verses buying things, or to put the money aside that they would spend on your daughter so when she gets her new room they can purchase things when you have more room.

i guess this is a unique situation because you are living in their house. it's bound to get tense. but you ARE living in their house, so you kind of have an obligation to be patient. i agree with the moms that say ask them to put it somewhere else besides your "room" or area or however you have it set up. i also think it would be kind of an insult to buy my grandchild something (like the "eyesore" of a desk) and immediately have the daughter in law announce they would be replacing it. kind of a slap in the face to begin with.

just what we do - some of the "bigger" or "cooler" toys my mom has gotten my son, i have asked if she would like to keep out at her house, when i am thinning out his toys. she has his rocking horse, a desk, a couple other more pricy toys. she invested the money, this way she can save them for future grandkids. and in our particular situation, she has a lot more room than we do. so it's a win-win.

I would simply ask them if they would rather you sell it and use the money for something your daughter wants, give them the money, or if they want you to simply return the items to them, but that you are not going to keep items you child does not need or does not play with.

I solved this problem by taking the toys purchased by my parents to their home when i felt my kids were done with them and then i did same with my in laws and then when we visit, they can see for themselves what the children play with etc... my mom had a garage sale and sold the toys and used that money to purchase more age appropriate ones to keep at her house. My mother in law gave the "baby" toys to friends that had younger grandkids etc... Since you are living in their home, they may have felt that you over stepped and took it as disrespectful that you sold their things when they weren't there, even though they were YOUR daughter's things, she didn't sell them, YOU did. Just a little misunderstanding that should be easily fixed with a little heartfelt sorry. I mean you did kinda go with easier to say sorry than ask for permission way, right?

Try to look at it from their point of view. They bought their granddaughter a gift. You may think it's bulky and an eye sore. However, it's in their home. Personally, I think you do need to keep everything they purchase or ask their opinion before you get rid of it. Once you have your own home, you'll be free to make these decissions, but until then remember their house, their rules.

Added: I was just reading over the other replies, and re-read your post. I think there's a lot more then just getting rid of some clutter. I understand your frustration, however, there are always more than one side to a story. I believe this may be their side of the story.

Did your inlaws give the art desk to your daughter as a gift, or was it something they purchased to keep in their home for their granddaughter to use? Was the art desk, as well as other items they purchased, truly yours to sell or get rid of?

You also indicate that your living with them because you cannot afford to live on your own. From their point of view, is it possible that they believe if you can't afford your basic expenses (transportation), you shouldn't be spending your money on items you want (nice little wood table) rather than items you need. Is it possible that they think the wood table is an eye sore?

Did they know you were going to have a yard sale? Maybe they're upset because you didn't ask their permission? Yes, it's their home and property so you need their consent. I know if I came home from vacation to find that my children had rearranged things, replaced things, or gotten rid of some items I'd be upset.

IMO since they enjoy buying things for their granddaughter, let them. Less for you to buy. Stop spending money on items you don't need and start saving so you can prevent furture situations like this from occurring.

Once a gift is given, then it is up to the receiver as to what to do with it. Toys are meant to be outgrown. I can't believe that people would actually think that you wouldn't ever pass along toys after your children outgrew them. The reality is that no average person has the space to hold onto every toy that has been given to their children. Family heirlooms or handmade items would obviously be the exception. You need to move out and stop giving them to opportunity to criticize your decisions.

J.,

You failed to mention that you and your family are living with your inlaws until the very end of your post! That was a very important piece of information that should have been disclosed at the very beginning of your post. Anyway, you have every right to get rid of whatever you want, no matter who gave it to your daughter. However, it wasn't so wise to get rid of the stuff your inlaws gave her while currently living in their home!! I would rather go into debt than live with my inlaws. Why don't you and your family just move out NOW??? Your freedom & sanity is worth going into some debt, in my opinion.

Tell them that you are sorry that you hurt their feelings, and didn't realize that they would be upset that you had sold items that were taking up space. Since they had commented on your daughter's things taking up so much space, you were trying to be respectful of their feelings by selling some of the larger space items to show that you cared about how they felt.

M.

Once a gift is given, it is the recipient's to do with as s/he pleases.

If they take issue w/ you getting rid of stuff they got her, but you want it out of "your" rooms, put it in their rooms. Just move it there. When they ask what it's doing there, tell them you didn't want/need it anymore but you know how they don't want you to get rid of "their" stuff. Let them live w/ the clutter and decide what to do with it.

Coming from someone who is currently living with her parents (unfortunately), it sounds like they are just stressed at the whole situation of sharing their space with you. How long have you lived there? I think the longer you've lived there, the more stressed both families can be (you and your hubby and daughter vs. your inlaws). All of you probably just miss having your own space and act out that frustration in different ways. Like your inlaws complaining about your stuff taking up lots of space, and then complaining when you actually try to clear out space (plus raise money for your daughter's college fund).

I guess I never thought about it before, but I always thought that if someone gives you a gift, it is yours to do what you want with it. You shouldn't have to refer back to them about getting rid of things, especially when your daughter will naturally outgrow (break, lose, etc.) a lot of her toys. Unless it has special sentimental value (like it's an antique, or been in the family for years), you should be able to do what you choose to do with your child's toys.

It sounds like you guys are all ready to have your own space again; and you said something about moving soon, so good luck with your move and hang in there! And remember, as annoying as your inlaws may seem, it is nice of them for letting you stay there, and once you move out it'll be much nicer for your relationship, so try not to burn any bridges. :-) This is what I tell myself all the time.

I don't know what the difference is, between the "art desk" they got her, and the little wood table you got her to draw at? Is it not used for the same purpose?

They have been complaining about the stuff accumulating in "their" home.
As you said.
So now you did something about it. And de-cluttered the home.

But they don't like that you got rid of the things and/or the art table they got your daughter.
Maybe it cost a lot of money or they spent a lot of time looking for one, for her? Is that the issue?

But yes, you cannot keep every single thing. It does accumulate. Whether it is their home or your home, parents do go through periods of de-cluttering and getting rid of unused toys etc. That is what you did.

You did tell them you got rid of things they and YOU/Hubby got for her and from other family members and that you would be replacing the art desk with an easel.

They are upset, still.
Maybe the art-desk meant a lot to them.

Either way, it is not easy.

When one gives a child a gift... a person then has to understand that it is now someone else's. Not theirs. That is what a gift is.
Perhaps in the future... IF they give your daughter other gifts... they can keep it where they want. At THEIR house. (when you move out and have your own home). That way, the 'clutter' will be theirs to figure out and deal with.

Or maybe, you can give them the money you made off of the art-desk, per your selling it at your Yard sale? Since they are the one's that gifted your daughter with it. They still see it as theirs....

Tell them you de-cluttered their home, per their complaining that too many things were in their home. Tell them you are sorry... but you were trying to solve this issue, by getting rid of all the stuff, accumulating in their home. As they said.

I wonder if, since you live in their home, that they thought they were just letting her use their desk. I have told the kids that something was theris but in my mind I was just letting them use it.

Perhaps in the future you can just put everything you don't want anymore in the garage and tell them they need to go through it because you are replacing it. Or just wait until you are packing to move and leave the stuff you don't want there.

That way they can get rid of what they don't want for you.

You're 100% right. If they give your daughter a gift then its hers. You can do with it what you like without permission. Don't feel obligated to keep stuff she doesn't use. They'll just have to get over it.

I guess you really didn't need anyone else's input. I hope you enjoy your new town.

Blessings.....