Recently, I learned that my husband has been looking at websites of swimsuit models, women with little or no clothing on youtube, etc. I realize that for most people this is natural and isn't a big deal. But it has caused me some major issues with insecurity and even some jealousy to think of him spending time looking at/enjoying these other women. (I think these feelings may be exaggerated by the fact that I was brought up in a very regiously conservative household where my father made it a point not to look at such things. I mistakenly assumed that my Christian husband held to this same discipline). I've talked to my husband about it, and he's been very open with me and said he will make an effort not to do it since he knows it hurts me. He says it has nothing to do with me. However, I cannot escape the thought that in his mind I am being compared to better-looking women to whom I will never measure up physically. I am really working to not be bothered or hurt by this. I've tried telling myself that it's not a big deal and that I shouldn't be bothered by it and tried diverting my thoughts when negative feelings arise. However, these tactics haven't completely taken care of the situation. I really need to restore to myself feelings of security in our relationship, not to mention the self-confidence I once had in the bedroom.
What I am wondering is if anyone else has experienced these feelings? And what can I do to deal with them in a healthy manner? Practical advice or encouragement from other moms would be greatly appreciated.
who cares where they get their apetite as long as they come home for dinner? we all look at some point, be it at a model or a guy on the street. it works to keep the marriage hot. plus they airbrush the heck out of the models. the models don't wake up looking that hot, i promise you!
R.,
He is only looking, all men look. His looking has nothing to do with you or how you look, what happens or doesn't happen in bed with you. Men are dorks and are going to look. If your husband loves you, respects you, takes care of you and your baby, then he is a good Christian husband and father. Our preacher once said during one of his sermans that what makes a good Christian man is a man that loves, respects and cares for his children's mother (or something like that). Don't pass judgement on him. He's just falling in with rest of the sinning world. Don't worry about chicks online. You've given him something they don't, a home, a family and a sense of purpose...because I'm almost certain that his whole purpose in life is to take care of you and your baby. Put your worries in God's hands. He'll take of it!
G.
well, I've learned the reason they're bikini models is because if we all looked like that...we'd ALL be bikini models! :) Face it, men will look until they die or go blind -- whichever happens first. They're wired differently than us. USUALLY It has nothing to with you... or even about you... men just like to google. Why do you think so many ad companies put a bikini clad model on anything they want to sell to men? Because they see boobs and look... sad fact of life but it's just the way they are. And, face it, our bodies are a lot more beautiful than theirs ever could be. :) At least he's not looking at pictures of scantily clad men! Ha (ok, my weak attempt at humor to lighten your mood).
If we could all be 19 year old 90 pound 5'4" women.... oh wouldn't life be grand? ha ha ha...
I've found evidence of my husband looking at that type of stuff, too, and I surely wasn't thrilled. But it doesn't have to be a huge, horrible issue. Is he a good father? Does he look after you and his children?
I would be willing to bet that he absolutely loves you and finds you incredibly sexy. Seduce him, keep him satisfied in the bedroom; he'll have less time and energy to look at internet "stuff" and you'll feel more secure. I say go out and buy something special *wink wink* and surprise him.
I used to be bothered by this stuff too. I wanted to be "everything" to my husband. As I've gotten older, I've become more comfortable with notion that one person does not have it in her power to be everything for everybody, ALL THE TIME. My hubby may be my #1, but I have have other priorities as well that make it extremely difficult to be the always-on-sex-kitten. Why should I have to do that? My husband is not oversexed, and he respects me to the utmost, but his male body responds to beauty in this world the same way I go gaga when the new Ralph Lauren line debuts. His looking is a mental release of sexy energy, and I don't have time to deal with that eleven times a day. I grew up a strict fundamentalist, and those men were suffering from trying to tame a natural physical response. Those bikini models are just little girls and we are women. We have infinitely more to offer!
I personally don't think that much about it and it would certainly not be a divorce issue with me.
Per Wolfgang....he married YOU. Men are going to be men and look around at a hot woman just like women look at a hot guy (women won't admit it when they see a hottie somewhere). If you just look, you are not doing anything wrong...it is normal. He is not out at strip clubs or bars.
As for your confidence, be proud of your confidence in the bedroom and keep it up. There are not many women who would even admit to having confidence in the bedroom! You go girl!!
I was raised in a VERY structured and overprotected envirnment and I have learned to let go of prudish attitude, open up and be realistic. I am perfectly comfortable in my body (ex swimsuit model and still size 2) and I know my hubby's eyes will continue to venture.
I take it as a compliment.....he is home with me and has been for almost 20 yrs. Add a little spice if you need to....Can't hurt.
Boy, am I ever going to get lashed on this....
This forum is for opinions only...........I am not saying this to bash anyone or insult your opinion.
S
This is a Positive comment.. so dont take it wrong.. but the most attractive thing to a man is a seure woman... im sure you are a beautiful woman and you shouldnt worry if he only looks here and there... i think it would be weird if he didnt look...
I think you have every right to be upset by this. I disagree with the "all men do this" mentality entirely. If your husband is a Christian man and is visiting these sites on the internet, then he is sinning and he needs to recognize it as such. You can take yourself completely out of this and he would still be sinning (against God)! I think you both need to get into counseling. This has nothing to do with security or insecurity in the bedroom. Your husband is not being faithful to God or to your family when he is engaged in this behavior. I would suggest Christian counseling for both of you. It may sound extreme, but this has turned into a trust issue for you and without trust, your marriage will suffer even more.
It makes me sad to hear that you are actually trying not to be bothered or hurt by this. Your husband is the one who should be working to change his behavior, not you. Please understand that you are not in the wrong here and should not be beating yourself up for feeling the way that you do. I don't want to come off as sounding like some crazed Bible thumper, but I really honestly believe that this is not "normal" behavior and should not be something that every woman should just tolerate because they married a man. I wish you the best in your situation and I hope that you can both get the help you need to create a strong and lasting marriage.
I just want you to know that it is normal for you to feel uncomfortable about it. I did for a really long time. I was even upset about Maxium magazine. I would rip them up and cause huge fights with us. It all had to do how I felt about myself and how secure I was about me and not him. I finally relized that it was ok as long as he understood it stops at magazines and internet. It took us a long time and a lot of talks and we made it to where I am really ok with him looking. I am not ok with nudy bars at all. That is the line. But I had to ask him to be patenice with me and I would get there. He was, and we fought he gave it up till one day I snapped that it really was ok. They are men and that is what they do. But just dont worry and talk to him about it.
R.,
Your husband has resolved to stop doing this activity. You ar going to hurt for awhile. This is normal. Go through your steps of healing. Forgive him. He is only human. Just because he is a Christian doesn't mean he is not going to mess up.
But look here...you need to have more self confidence. You are a child of GOD honey. Of the most high. He is the only one who defines you. He is the only one who you need acceptance from.
A lot of women put too much of their identity into what their husbands think of them. If you place your worth in a husband, then where is god in your life?
GOD should be your everything. Forgive your husband. Go through your pain properly, Heal properky, pray, and ask the Lord to take your thoughts captive everytime and He will, and you will get your sexy swerve back! I am speaking from experience, sweetums. ;)
Call me crazy, but I am sooo tired of reading that "boys will be boys"....no!!! He is a GROWN MAN! He needs to GROW UP! It is very disrepectful to be looking at such things! No, it's not a divorce issue (at this point as long as it does not escalate), but it is something that makes you uncomfortable, not to mention it's just plain TRASHY to look at girls via internet! He does not need to TRY and stop....he needs to JUST STOP!! You are a better woman than I am....Yes, men are very different from women, but they still know the difference between right and wrong...we are treated how me allow people to treat us! You are his wife, and I don't care if he comes home everynight to you, his THOUGHTS should be of you and not some girl in a bathing suit! Being secure w/yourself is great, but it helps when your husband looks AT YOU not some random girl! Good luck! I am sure you are beautiful! Tell him to look at you!
Well R., after reading your blog carefully and fully I sure as hell don't wish to come off cold. But, I had my spouse look at other women online and I know I won't measure up to any of them physically either. However, I confronted him and we had it out! Not only that, to this day he will not go on the internet looking at other women after hearing my mouth and 1 threat of divorcing. Personally, the healthy thing to do is not focus too much on this because it will make you sick to your stomach!
Just keep him extremely happy in the bedroom if that's all matters. May sound pathetic, but that often works! Label him as an "internet junkie" and he'll stop!(hopefully)
C.
This is not about looking at bikini models or not looking at bikini models; same as it's not about 'all men doing it' or 'winning' since he married you.
It's about RESPECT. It bothers you. You told him it bothers you and affects your marriage. You state he's a Christian...
Ephesians 25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her .....28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.....33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
If he loves you, and loves Christ, he will honor you and do what is necessary to protect your marriage.
Sit down with him and talk to him again, calmly, someplace private where you have time to really focus on each other. Explain to him how it makes you feel, tell him when he does it you feel like the models are more important than you, and ask him if he intends to make you feel like that. If he just likes the visual stimulation of pictures do a photo shoot! Get sexy and let him take pics of you, then when he feels the need to be visually stimulated he can pull out your pics and neither one of you will be upset. Best of all, when he's done looking at the pics he can come in the next room for the real thing!
Hi there!
This happened to me also about two years ago and I was SO angry (but mostly hurt!)
I cried to my husband and carried on...I do hate it when people say "that's just how men are", and I am EXTREMELY anti-pornograpy. However, I think the best thing to do is calmly tell your husband how it makes you feel. I calmed down after a while and I don't think my husband looks anymore. Think of it as a chance to really discuss the issue with your husband (except in my case that means me talking and him listening...;-).
Lots of luck...this is an entirely fixable problem.
D.
You know, I have been in the same situation with my hubby and I try hard to be sexy for him so that I am on his mind more than what he looks at. It takes a lot out of me with three kids but it's worth it in the long run. I try very hard not to turn him down a lot even though my baby won't sleep through the night and I'm so exhausted I'm surprised I haven't put refrigerator items in the washing machine. You can only change yourself. I say keep him so busy with you so he doesn't have time to think about 'them'. It makes me kinda look down on my hubby though like he's weak or dirty. I try not to go there but I am always suspicious. It never goes away. It has been going on with us since I was pregnant with my second 7 years ago. I know my husband loves me and desires me, he just needs more intimacy and imagery than I do. He has told me he prefers me to them. Hard to believe sometimes though. Lots of love girlfriend.
Dear R.:
That is one way to look at it. Another is: Who did he choose to marry - a bikini model or you? You already 'beat' them.
Did you get your self-confidence in the bedroom from your looks or from how it felt and what you did? My guess is the latter. Once a man gets intimate, he accepted the looks and they are not an issue anymore (unless you doubled your weight since the first date).
Regards,
W.
I would suggest you buy "Every Man's Battle" for him.
He is lusting after other women and that is SIN! That is what the devil wants him to do and he wants you to be upset about it also. If he is specifically going to those sites, he should stop out of respect to you because he knows this hurts you. If he doesn't I would suggest Christian Counseling and of course prayer doesn't hurt either.
Good luck to you!
i know this bothers you. but, you must stop & think. these girls are just models or whatever. it is not like one of them will show up on your doorstep. men & women are so different; it is hard for us women to understand how men function. i recently read that most men actually get 'turned on' 11 times during their everyday lives !
as long as he is looking at swimsuit models or the like i would try to understand, BUT feel he should take it no further than that. plus maybe you could ask him if you are not fulfilling his needs and/or what you 2 might do together to keep thoughts from straying or ask him how it might feel if the shoe was on the other foot ? i guarantee he would not like you looking at male models !
It sounds like you are trying to convince yourself to take responsibility for his actions: adultery. The key here is to get him some SERIOUS help before the problem gets worse without dishonoring him as a man. You need to find a man he respects to confront him about it because hearing it from you won't mean a thing. God bless, liz
Honey--I TOTALLY agree with what you are saying. I am pregnant right now and so I am EXTRA EMOTIONAL about this kind of stuff. My question is--is he being honest about it that he will stop or do you think he is still looking? If he stopped, then I would say you have him exactly where he needs to be--respecting your wishes. If not, then there needs to be some more talking going on! You are right to feel this way and I would make sure it is stopped if it bothers you. Good Luck!
