Introducing Grand Parents New "Friend".....

Ya know a parent dying doesn't make this any less strange. When I divorced and later met Troy I thought why wouldn't all my kids be happy, they can't stand their father and Troy is pretty much the opposite. They love Troy in theory but there is this comfort issue, ya know, he is not their dad. Warts and all.

So in January my mom dies and dad went to Florida to recover from being her primary care giver for over ten years. He meets new woman and she just came to town today. Woo hoo.... I don't want to meet her, I don't want my dad watching the kids around her. I don't want her here and I want her to go. There is nothing rational about how I am feeling yet those are my feelings so there it is.

I hope how I feel changes. At the moment I am wishing for the outlook of youth. My two youngest took to Troy like ducks to water. My older ones, well they love him but he isn't dad. I sometimes wonder if this is just something one does not understand until it happens to them.

oh sure, introduce him as your grandma's friend. That's all the kids need to know, it's not gonna hurt anyone...and who knows? maybe this will be something long term. But, your kids are really young still, so just say..."Hey kids, this is grandma's friend "Bill" and leave it at that.
L.

Your kids are 2 and 4. You don't need to explain anything to them right now.
Your mom is an adult. You are an adult. Your mom wants you to meet this person and I don't see what it would hurt. All you have to do is introduce him as Nana's friend. If they ask where Papa is, say that he stayed home.
Have a nice lunch, visit, whatever. At your mom's age, she's allowed to have friends. It's not like she lives with you and her romantic excursions are the business of a 2 and 4 year old who live 6 hours away.
I wouldn't have told my mom no. I might have said, "Listen, no kissey-face or holding hands in front of the kids. I'm not going to deal with having to explain it. But, if it's a matter of a casual meeting for lunch or something, I'd be happy to meet him".

Let me tell you something....
I have a long, long-term friend whose mother has been married and divorced 8 times. At last count. Her kids are all completely grown. Heck....her grandchildren are grown. She doesn't introduce her "friends" to anyone. She just marries them and springs them on the family as her husband because she's afraid she'll be judged by her kids for having sex outside of marriage.
She's had her vehicles stolen, she's had her bank accounts cleared out, she's been the victim of identity theft. But, in her mind, she was at least legitimately married to these people and they weren't just guys she was involved with.
Just from a different perspective, you might want to meet your mom's "friends" instead of shutting her out about it.
I agree that little children shouldn't be exposed to certain things, but this is one guy. Meet him. Your mom isn't trying to hide him and he wants to meet you during vacation. It's pretty neutral territory.
I wouldn't have said no.

Well, I dont guess it would be fair to withhold the kids from Grandma, just tell her to use discretion. "This is Grammies friend Ed"... and not to act like teenagers all over each other in front of the kids. Life is short, let your mom do what she wants. The kids will only get their cues from you.
As for "where's Papa" questions, just say "He's at home".. that's about all you need to say. jmo

My mom was dating a man for 14 years then they broke up. My daughter didn't really know anyone else as a "grandpa" role (she didn't call him that, she always used his first name). Now she is dating another man who makes her VERY happy. My daughter loves him and she realizes that it is what makes her Grandma happy that really matters. She is older than your kids, but I really think if you just act cool about it, they will be fine. Your mom obviously cares how your kids feel and won't do anything that would hurt them.

I think just keeping it in the context of 'friend' is fine. It doesn't mean your kids have to adopt his person. How many 'friends' have your children met in life, anyway? I think, unless they are being asked to call him Grandpa Henry or something like that, it shouldn't be a big, big deal. Let Grandma answer any questions that come up, too.

I'm a little confused as to what role you envision this man playing in your children's lives. Most kids just want to play, and adults are fun but peripheral. I think this is much different from a *parent* dating multiple persons and having them spend the night. That's where I think the Tom Dick and Harry description suits.

Let me ask you this-- are YOU not wanting to meet a procession of men in your mom's life? I'm assuming she didn't leave your dad, from your description. Will "Papa" still be a part of their lives, or a part of yours? Just wondering-- there's no judgment attached to this. Often, though, when I am worried about how my son might feel about someone, there's something going on for me as well.

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I agree with Laura U. To a 2 or 4 year-old, Grandma's friend is just Grandma's friend. They won't read more into it unless you make a big deal over it.

If that were me and per my kids.
Well, I would tell her to leave boyfriend home. Don't bring him.

And besides, do you know anything about him?
His background, credibility etc?
What if he is a psycho/moocher/icky creepy guy?
And what do the kids call "Boyfriend"? and so then who is their "Grandpa?"
So many what if's.

Did YOU even meet him? Or the other family/relatives???

I wouldn't want my kids, to call Grandma's "Boyfriend" an "Uncle" or "Grandpa" either. What do they call him?

My son is 4... I KNOW he would question it with many questions. A 2 year old would not.
But my 4 year old would.

You can tell your children that their grandparents are not living together anymore as that is the case. What divorce is might be a harder explanation for the two year old. The four year old will understand what you say.
The "friend" grandma has can be introduced as her friend when the time is right.
Whether she will stay with him or he's the interim relationship is unknown at this point.
You are right every guy your mother dates and every woman your father is with does not have to be a part of your children's life.
When it does settle down and one or both of them are permanently partnered you can introduce the new person.