Is It Bad Language or the Norm?

WHAT!!????

It has nothing to do with the language: he is insulting and belittling them. He needs to stop calling them names, or he will do damage to them.

I don't like it and don't say it and always correct it if and when (yes, my kids have said them) I hear it in my house. I think they are 'mean' words...don't care if I am 'old fashioned' either, I am OK with that!

~Gonna be 34 this June!

I don't like either one, but I have to admit that I have told my kids to "shut up" before!! It is not something that I do on a regular basis, but they have pushed me to that point before. As far as the name calling - I don't think it should be done ever. I have yet to do that, and I hope that I never lose my cool so bad that I make that mistake. So I guess my answer is no, I do not think that you are being too strict.

Well, if the goal is to have a rich, loving life together, then 'shut up' or 'you're stupid' is not going to get him there.

If his goal is to belittle everyone around him into submission, I'd say he's well on the way!

:(

ouch, he wouldn't have been my boyfriend long......this has absolutely nothing to do with *being old fashioned* that's a copout explanation

plain & simple, i sure the heck wouldn't try to *blend* your families, do you really want this guy raising your impressionable kids? i sure the heck wouldn't........kids need good positive role models not someone that is going to knock them down by using these demeaning words....then it will be a vicious cycle when your kids are in relationships or have kids of their own, guess what they will be calling their significant other & their own kids, do you want that on your shoulders?

I think it's time to find another boyfriend. I would never want to be involved with a guy that thinks its okay to talk that way to his kids - especially if his rationalization that "everyone else does it" and its heard on kids shows. A lot of the shows for kids on right now are garbage! He is an adult and needs to act like one! Does he really think TV shows are examples of how we should all behave and treat each other? I guess I am not "everyone else" because I certainly would never say those things to either my daughter or my stepsons. What will your reaction be if he starts telling YOUR kids to shut up or calls them stupid?

Um...if my *boyfriend* called my child stupid or told them to shut up, I would ask him to leave.

You are not being too strict. You are modeling respectful speech for your children. Good for you.

Would your boyfriend be 'fine' with his child telling *him* to "shut up"?

I'm 100% sure that not 'everyone' uses those words. Once in a blue moon, when my husband I are joking, we'll say this, but not around our son, and never to him, even when we are frustrated with him.

Maybe it's time to find a new boyfriend. Not to be rude, but I wouldn't date a person who called their children names, most especially stupid. How long is it going to be before he decides you and your kids are 'okay' to do this to?

We NEVER allowed profanity or teasing or stupid or shut up. We did allow be quiet and stop that and Please, Thank you and You're welcome was encouraged and rewarded. Example: When my older teenagers wanted to borrow the car . . ."Dad can I borrow the car?" Me "No". Them, "Why not?" I'd put my hand up to my ear like I was having a hard time hearing them. They would immediately say, "Dad May I Please borrow the car?" I'd say, "Ok." and hand them the keys. If they didn't say "Thankyou". I'd say, " No, I changed my mind". Then they would usually say, "Soory, dad, I forgot. Thank you." Then I'd pull out a $10 bill for them to use.

To this day my grown kids won't use profanity and once when one of their spouses said something profane she immediately turned to me and appologized.

"Profanity is not a sign of intelligence. It an indication of someone with a limited vocabulary, trying to put forth an arguement while out of control." I still remember that, thanks to my 7th grade english teacher.

Good luck to you and yours.

Whoa... that is TERRIBLE!

The kids, will turn out to be JUST like him... if this keeps up.
Do you want, bad mouthed kids? And then them going around talking like that to others and to friends and other adults and at school????

that is what WILL happen, if this keeps up.

Tell your Boyfriend, to grow up... and be a Man. Be a civilized man.
With manners.

Let me tell you, him talking like that, makes him look like trash.
So what if on shows, they say that.
Does he have to go around doing everything that is on a tv show?
No.
That is immature logic.

You teach your kids... good behavior.
Not just about being copy-cats and doing whatever is on TV.
The tv is NOT a parent.
It is entertainment and not.... anything to base behavior on.

I would not keep a Boyfriend like that, around my kids.
My kids are important.
Not the boyfriend's, level of immaturity.
And don't make excuses for him.

Sounds like your boyfriend needs to upgrade the shows he watches.
If he can't manage improving his language and the way he communicates, then throw out the tv.
If he still can't manage it, then throw out the boyfriend.

We don't use that language in our house and I don't allow television shows that use that language to be on in our house because it's inappropriate. It's a straw man argument to use the ole' "Everyone else does it/ says it!" That's not an argument at all.

Telling people to shut up and calling them stupid is verbally abusive language and it's disrespectful. If your boyfriend uses language like that on his own children and thinks "it's okay because everyone else does it" then know that if you get more involved with him, if you get closer, if you get married and have children together and bring children into the marriage, he's going to use that same abusive language towards you and your children.

So no, you're not too strict. You're being respectful and asking for respect to be shown. He's acting like a douchenozzle.

I will admit they have been used in joking concept for me my whole life. I hate how they sound though. Especially out of the mouths of young people. It sounds nasty coming off of peoples tongue. I have made the choice not to use them. I will find myself using them under my breath...I talk to my self while I am on the computer...I hope that doesn't sound crazy...I illustrate, so I give everything Character....

Anyways, I dont blame you for not wanting them used around you or your kiddos. I was horrible with swearing before I had children....It has been the hardest thing to remove from my vocabulary. I think with age though I am starting to realize, swear words sound nasty off anyones tongue too!!! So it is not just you:)

It is rude to tell your kids to shut up or call them stupid. Would he be ok if the kids told him to shut up or called him stupid? How about if his boss said the same to him? Kids learn what we model. It is our job to set an example. And I would certainly not hold up the Disney channel as my gold standard for life.

Tell your BF that it is now a fact that his children think they are stupid because their dad thinks it and tells them. Serioiusly-this will follow them their whole lives. You should insist that he stop saying that immediately. I dare him to give one single example on the Disney Channel or any other where a PARENT calls their kids stupid. Its never nice and kids can and do say it to one another but it is never acceptable from a parent.

My kids aren't supposed to tell each other to shut up (or friends or whatever). And "stupid" is not a word we allow. Neither is "idiot" since it means about the same thing. They can't call themselves stupid, or anyone else. They've even called me on it on the rare occasion I start beating myself up.

I don't think it's old fashioned at all. My kids are old enough to understand that other families have different rules, but I expect them to follow ours. And I do put my foot down about other people in the house using the same language. It's my house and my rules. They don't like it? They think it's old fashioned? Tough. My house, my kids, my rules. (This will come in handy when my kids are 16 or whatever and arguing about the rules!)

It is just not nice to tell some one to shut-up...do you want your children telling other kids at school or their teacher to shut-up?

The "s" word as we call it is not allowed in our house. No one should ever be made to feel stupid or by any means called stupid. There is no such thing as a stupid question.

My FIL called my husband and his sister that all the time...and my DH will not allow it in our house...it is belittling.

I don't think you are old fashioned...if Disney channel told all children to disrespect their parents and say the f-bomb...would it be okay??

Before you know he will be telling your kids to "shut up" and will be calling them "stupid".... so one thing has to go ... the language or ... him

Nope, it is rude and disrespectful. I would not want my son to tell me, or any one else to "shut up" or call them "stupid". How can I teach my son what is right if I will not model the proper behavior myself.

Hush works just as well as shut up. And is not hurtful.
Stupid, should just never be used.

I also don't care what they say on Disney, or any other channel. Our job, as parents, is to help our children see that TV is make believe, and what works on Suite Life does not apply to the real world.

Good Luck
God Bless

You only need to ask your boyfriend one question. Would he be ok with you telling him that HE'S stupid and to shut up? Of course not. It's disrespectful. EVERYONE in a family should be treated with respect - always.

As for his "cartoon defense," ask him if it would then be ok for the kids to hit each other on the head with baseball bats. Sorry, he needs to grow up.

neither one of those words or phrases are allowed in my house. Never Never call anyone stupid, or anything like that. Shut up is just flat rude, and when you say you are only saying it to be rude. So no I dont think you are too strict I think he needs to grow up

At school, these are considered curse words..

And absolutely not.. Never ok to say these words to adults and definitely never children.

Those are bad words in my house. I would rather have my kids say "SH!T" than tell someone to Shut Up, or call someone stupid.

Actually they would get in trouble for the four letter S word too, but the other two are calling other people names or telling them very rudely what to do. THe 4 letter S word is usually used when the bus has come and gone and one particurlar 16 yo has missed it.

This is the type of "father role model" you want for your children? Should you choose to live with or marry him, that is how he will speak to all of you. Can you imagine the words he will use when he is angry?

Grab your kids and run as fast as you can. If you don't protect them, who will?

You have received so many responses already and I see you've updated, but I just wanted to add a little food for thought if your boyfriend is still pushing against your thought process. Ask him this, "would you tell your boss to shut up? Would you tell your boss he/she is stupid?" No? Then it's not appropriate. Would he be okay with his kids calling him stupid or telling him to shut up? No? Then it's not appropriate. Would he find it totally nice and appropriate for you to tell him to shut up or to tell him he's stupid? No? Then it's not appropriate. Wherever he is hearing this "everywhere" is beyond me. I don't know anyone who would dare tell me to shut up or call me stupid or tell me I'm being stupid. It's hurtful and it's name calling. It sends the wrong message and teaches nothing except bad communication skills.

Best,
S.

I agree with you, not appropriate at all. What if they said these things to their friends, or co-workers in the future?

Excuse me, but your boyfriend has some maturing to do. Pointing out that the "kids on TV" or "everyone else" does something are definite signs of IMmaturity. Telling anyone to "shut up" and negative name calling is disrespectful and unacceptable. I think he'd see it differently if he were spoken to that way at work. I'm shaking my head now because of his ignorance and am wondering if that's how he was raised.

Anyway, I think you need to let him know that sort of thing is unacceptable in yours and you children's presence. Since you are part of his kids' lives please say as many positive things you can because their dad is severely damaging their self-esteem.

I haven't read any of the other answers but I wanted to add my 2 cents. A parent should never call a child stupid because they'll believe it. Many adults don't do things in life that they are fully capable of because early in life someone told them they were stupid and they believed it. Every parent should be setting their kids up for success later in life.

No it is not ok to say shut up or call them stupid! I do not give two figs what the Disney Channel Does or Does Not say...I recently had to take my own words into check, I had a bad habit if the kids asked me if they could have a snack of saying " I don't care" Obviously this was not meant in a Bad way...and yet my almost 4 year old now shouts "I don't care" when I tell him something....ummm not happening under my roof! Kids LISTEN to what we say...a child should NEVER be told they are stupid, to me it is flat out being verbally abusive, because you are damaging that child's self esteem.
I would not be ok with anyone telling me to shut up or calling me stupid...that is my rule of thumb, if I wouldn't want to be told that it should not be told to my children...and if that makes me old fashioned then so be it.

We don't use those words either. Heck, I don't even like when my stupid husband says, "Watch out" to the kids. Instead of "Excuse me."

(Yes, I put that "stupid" in there as a joke.)

We avoid using those words in our house, AND telling a child to shut up is the equivalent of telling an adult to "eff off"!! It's incredibly rude and belittling. I would also ask yourself if this is the man of your dreams that will influence the future of your children. He is already programmed to act/react with his word choices... I wouldn't expect him to change.

We dont use them in our house. They are rude words!!! End of sentence.

Definitely not okay and not old fashioned, either.

"Shut up" gets you no sweets for an entire day in our house. That goes for Mom and Daddy, too. It is rude, disrespectful and unkind. Instead, we say "could you please be quiet for a little?" or, if push comes to shove, "hush" (though never "hush up"). Occasionally I'll pull out "hush" in another language, too, just to keep the kids on their toes. lol

Calling someone stupid warrants definitive punishment in our house. Aside from having to apologize to the person you called stupid, you also have to do their chores for them. For an entire week.

We don't have the Disney Channel in our house. For just the reason that they might be childrens entertainment, but they are NOT appropriate!

No, I don't think it's OK at all. It teaches them to be disrespectful. Pretty soon they will be returning the favor to him.

In no way are you being too strict. There are much more appropriate ways to tell a child to be quiet - "shut up" is never used in my household. Also, calling a child "stupid" is incredibly demeaning - if they hear something like that frequently enough, it WILL affect their self-worth and self-esteem. I'm sorry, but there is no way I would let anyone talk to my children that way... especially a boyfriend. This requires a very serious discussion, and you need to decide if this is the type of person you want in your life. Negativity can be very damaging... to everyone, including you.

I still do not like it either and I am pretty non old fashioned as an overall.

Hello, I can't believe that he said either one of those things. He hears it on a "kid's show"? He thinks if they hear it all of the time, it is okay? Yeah, if you want them to believe they are stupid. Those are two things I didn't raise my kids hearing. I wanted them to be able to say (most things) what they were feeling. If it was inappropriate, then I would tell them, but not tell them to shut up. And, to call them stupid, NEVER would I have done that.
Good luck with this one.
K. K.

Calling a child stupid or to shut up is abusive. It is not ok language in any way, shape or form. I don't consider it old-fashioned to think this isn't ok- I think that it is immoral to be ok with that kind of language. Name calling and things like that distroy children to the very root of their emotional being. Not only when they are children, but as adults it is also damageing-but particularly children are deeply effected by name calling and it can linger with them even into adulthood. I would strongly suggest that your boyfriend take some parenting classes and or read some books about positive parenting and building a good, healthy self-esteem. Best wishes and I hope that you continue to stand up for your children when you know something isn't right.

Molly

Rather than wondering about the language your boyfriend uses, I think I would be wondering about the boyfriend. You have good instincts. Do you really want this guy being the father figure to your children?

I struggle w/ this only because i say these things jokingly around my husband, then realize my 3 yr old hears it when he tells the dog to "shut up" <<sigh>> i dont want him talking like that :( I think its a sad reflection when ur kids walk around telling people to shut up, you're stupid, i hate you, etc etc. You;re not old fashioned. You were raised right, or just have great standards. Not enough respect being taught to kids. Keep up the good work. Sway ur BF, he needs it :)

First off, I think your BF needs to stop calling teh kids stupid as he is supposed to be an adult, and act accordingly. I have told my kids to shut-up on vary rare occasions, like a 6 hour road trip and the two won't stop fighting from opposite side of the car. But no you are not old fashioned shut-up can be replaced with please be quite, or something similar. My kids get there talking honestly, as do I. As for calling someone stupid, done deal... not tolerated period end of discussion. That would be like me turning to my other half and calling him a list of names. Nope, not allowed. So the next time ask him how he would like it if you called him that or any other derogatory name repeatedly.

Totally agree with you. I can't stand those words. I have also heard them say "shut up" and stupid on kids shows on tv and I always tell my dd what I think of it and I better never hear her speak like that. Most bad language I feel is aggressive but these words are soooo disrespectful. They teach kids that their feelings or opinions are not wanted or needed and they are not worth talking or listening to.

it is NOT okay for that language in my house.

Have we told the kids to shut up? Unfortunately - YES - when "will you please be quiet" didn't work....

Calling my kids stupid? Be prepared to get knocked on your butt. You may say that SOMETHING they DID was stupid - but you may NOT call them stupid.

The shows that kids watch these days?! HOLY SMOKES batman!! They are BAD! They teach kids about material possessions and how to disrespect your parents, not to mention, steal, lie, cheat and the list goes on and on!!!

You are NOT being too strict!! It IS GREAT that you want decorum in your household!! If your BF can't stop his behavior - I'd stop seeing him. This is NOT acceptable in my book!

I'm trying to raise self-assured, confident girls in a world where it's darn-near impossible to do so. So no, calling them 'stupid' or telling them to shut up is NOT going to happen. And if anyone, even my husband, ever said that (or similar) to them within earshot? You can bet your bottom dollar that I'd have a few *choice* words for them!

But you know what? There are worse things too. Like if you say to a child (or anyone, really) 'you're stupid' out of anger in the moment, it hurts less than if you say 'you are not a smart person' in a calm voice.

Sometimes I want to tell my kids to "shut up" but really it is so hurtful. We do not call people stupid either. My mom occasionally says something (not someone) is stupid and my 3 year old nearly has a heart attack. OOOHHHHH Grandma said stupid. My kids don't quite understand the difference in calling someone vs something stupid so the word in our fam (according to them) is just awful. I'd rather be over cautious than to use it innappropriately.

It's all about respecting!!! Just because they say and do things on tv doesn't mean we have to do it too. It's no old fashion and you are a good mom by not letting your gets say those words to each other or you. Respect one another!! :-) good luck hope he comes around and sees your point. You have lots of good advice here.

No, it's not OK...and Disney Channel is not the authority channel. Some of the shows on there I will not ever want my children to watch.

Those words are not supposed to be used in our house. Although, I have been known to use them AROUND the kids. I immediately say, mommy should not have said shut up or stupid. However, NEVER have a called my children stupid...but after several times of saying be quiet I have said "its time to shut up"...

I am not perfect but I do try to limit the usage around our house.

I agree 100% that just because "everyone does it" is not a valid reason to accept bad language or behaviour! You have the right to raise your children according to your standards and your boyfriend should respect you enough to abide by your wishes. If he doesn't, I suggest finding a man who does! Good luck! :)

I know you've had a heap of responds but still wanted to put my two sense in... No way is it OK! I use to teach and yes those words may even come up in children's literature but if I ever read them in class my students would gasp and I was relieved that they were shocked I said it. I would then explain that those words are hurtful and yes people may use them, they may not be bad but they are definitely not good. Any word can be used "inappropriately". I learned early on to use the phrase " that's inappropriate" on my students maybe you can explain to your BF that he's being "inappropriately". All the best.

I think it's not only a jerky thing to do, it also shows a lack of class. If you find it offensive, you obviously have more class than he does so why would you date someone like that? Parents should teach their children how to be respectful and if he's allowing TV to influence his parenting I would seriously have questions about what kind of 'individual' he is (ie. does he think through things on his own?). All one needs to do is look to the former Disney stars (Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Lindsay Lohan) to see what classy folks come from that kind of kiddie pop culture mentality.

No way are you being strict! You are teaching your children kindness with words. Do you like being called stupid or told to shut-up? No, no one does. So why would you let your children be spoken to that way or say that to someone else? By the way, YOU are the parent here and you have ultimate say about what you will tolerate around your children and that includes what is being said around them and what you find to be acceptable for them to repeat. Your boyfriend needs to abide by your rules in your house and around your children.

It may be old fashioned, but we do not speak that way to anyone, or allow our kids to do so.

If you tell kids often enough that they are stupid, they'll end up believing it. That kind of stuff is terrible for anyone's self-esteem. Constructive criticism is alright, and politely asking someone to be quiet. They'll end up talking like him if they hear that kind of stuff.

Just because 'everybody does it' doesn't make it right. If you don't like it, he should respect you and not talk that way. Everybody should be more 'old fashioned'.

They don't say "shut up" or "stupid" on kid shows!!!! maybe that's the way he INTERPRETS it....but I assure you, that's not the words that are spoken (unless it's a show about bullying or bad manners or something like that .....a show about how NOT to talk to others)

Those two terms, along with the "r" word, are my pet peeves as a teacher and students get marks for them. Wonder where they learned them?