Is It Just a GIRL Thing?

I have a 2 year old girl and I see similarities with what you're saying, but not that extreme. Some of it may have to do with how you treat her. If she falls, do you immediately run over and scoop her up or do you tell her she's alright (that is if she is indeed fine)? I think sometimes we automatically treat boys a little rougher than girls because society says boys are supposed to be tough and girls can be more high maintenance.
You could be doing this already, but if you don't treat her like a princess and don't hold her all day, she might get over it. I strongly believe that tantrums deserve a time-out. She needs to know that it is not ok for her to act like that because she doesn't get what she wants. Just a couple minutes sitting by herself could really help.
Good luck.

HI S.- No, I wouldn't say it's a girl thing, I'd say just what you said, you have a high maintainence baby! I have fraternal girl twins, and they couldn't be more different! It's just the genes she got. She's cautious and timid in her world. Until she feels safe, she'll continue to cling to you. I know how much of a pain that is, because I went through it. I kept thinking, what's wrong with you? Your sister isn't like this (of course we can't but help compare twins...). My twins are now 10. One of them is still "high maintainence", but in a different way now. She's gained all the confidence needed to run and play and conquer her physical world, but needs a lot of encouragement and hand-holding to get through social interactions and dealing with challenges with friends. I imagine your daughter will always be the more needy one. I know it's frustrating to have to deal with it all the time. It will become less of a physical intervention on your part as she gets older and more confident, but I think you'll have to just accept that she's a different kid than her brothers, and not just because she's a girl. Take a breath and try to see all the wonderful things she does.

Dear S.,

my children are very differnt, and my little girl (1 y 2 m) is far less needy than my boy (3 y 5 m). I always assumed it was a girl's thing to be easy going, good-natured, resilient and happy. But here you go....! Anyway, to me it seems she was born that way, and my boy was born needier. He has days when he can't seem to find contentment or happiness. It can be very draining and frustrating.

Instead of toughening him up we do attachment parenting. For us this seems to work. Any attempts at toughening up has only made him more sensitive. and clingy. I recommend reading up in Sears & Sears about high need children. They'll start by congratulating you for having a sensitive, intelligent child. Anyway, while our girl strives for independence with a good-humoured, bold nature, also our boy sometimes surprises us. He takes his time to become independent, but he gets there! In fact, trusting him is hard, but pays off. Recently he was the only child alone in the front row of a puppet theater, i was sitting in back. He felt comfortable enough to sit there and enjoy the play, while other children clung to their moms. I was pleasantly surprised. And decided to keep trusting him, and accepting his needs and speed of development.

One thing i observed in me with worry is that i will have less patience with my little girl than with him. I get angry at her more quickly if she ever is needy. I am working on this, beacuse i find it very poor behaviour on my part. i expect different things from a girl! And that's ok, as long as i do not unfairly project dislikings and fears of my own on her. So i am looking carefully at my motives right now. And i find that there are some "girly behaviours" that i find far worse than typical "boy bad behaviour" -- but for no good reason! I need to work on taking my children for what they are.

I don't know if any of this helped, but i hope so!
Good luck,
D.

Hi S.,

No, this is not just what a girl is like...it's just what your daughter is like. I have four kids one son and three daughters and I have found each one is born with his or her own personality. Some seem much less maintenance than others, but I really don't think sex has much to do with it. I've known plenty of boys who cried and whined endlessly and plenty of girls who could take a hard tumble and just brush it off. Hopefully, as she matures she will learn better coping skills and be less frustrated.

Best Wishes,
J. L.

I can tell you that it is DEFINITELY NOT a girl thing...lol.....my 20 month old little girl is a terror (like you describe your little boy)! She has NO fear, is always on top of anything she can manage to get up on, and when she does cry when she falls, it's out of frustration and anger, not pain...lol....
My son who is now 7, was the opposite of her, and my oldest (13 yr old girl) was somewhere in between!!
Rowan (my youngest) is non-stop...I call her my little spitfire! I guess her having red hair (too) fits...lol...

I agree with Denise. It's not a gender thing but rather an individual personality type. I have a three year old daughter who fits the description of your son to a T...and she's always been like that. In fact, I marvel at how different she is from her brother when he was that age. He's always been such an easygoing, cuddly kid. She, on the other hand, is the little energizer bunny who gets into, takes apart, bangs and climbs on EVERYTHING...CONSTANTLY! She wears us out. My mother says my husband and I needed her to shake things up a bit. She says we were too complacent. :-)

I have g/g twins, and they are definitely more like your son than like your daughter. So just as I think it's not a "girl thing" to be clingy & needy, I also don't think it's necessarily a "boy thing" to be getting into everything, climbing, etc.

I think a big part of it is just the age.... one of my girls went through a phase right about then where she had several screaming meltdowns a day, and didn't want to let me out of her sight. (It really kicked in when I broke my leg & spent a few days in the hospital, so that's what I attribute her changes in behavior to. But the age could've been a contributing factor.) She's still the most high-strung of my 3 girls, but her behavior has VASTLY improved!!!

In terms of sharing the watermelon - I've found that we're usually ALL happier when I give each child their own portion. Though even then, I find them swiping from each other's bowls! :) I don't think the average 20-month-old can be relied upon to share a treat fairly!

Personally, I don't think it's a girl thing or a boy thing...it's an individual kid/person thing. Our son is such an incredibly sensitive child at times, it baffles me. Some of it I can understand, based on various disappointments, and some is totally just him from day one. He's 12 and he still surprises me with his emotions at times.

Sometimes I just want to say, "Get over it!" But how much of that is my expectation of what I think a healthy child should be or do, and how much of that is my frustration over having an emotionally needy child?

It's not uncommon for twins to be totally different. My husband and his twin brother couldn't be more different from each other--when they were kids and at their current ages of 55. All along, they've barely looked like they're in the same family. They went to different high schools because of totally different interests and abilities. One knew what he wanted to be when he grew up since he was a kid (mechanic/fireman...eventually became fire chief); the other has done several totally different things throughout his life. One was the instigator and the other was the follower. One is half bald with broad shoulders and the other has a full head of hair and is skinny as a rail. The list is endless, personality-wise and looks-wise. (They both have similarly stupid humor but that's more a learned trait than anything. : P)

My husband's cousin's twins (boy/girl) are quite different as well. The girl is the forward and confident one; the boy is the more shy one. So, it depends more on the genetic makeup of each individual child.

I truly believe personality is part of the hard-wiring from the start. What we do with the hard-wiring can emphasize or counteract some of those traits. But some of it is just who the child is.

My only caution is to let each child be their own person. I've always been impressed with how my in-laws seemed to allow the twins to develop into their own individual strengths. But be aware that twins often take different roles, some because of who they are and some because of the other one doing it for them.

Sometimes, parents can unwittingly perpetuate those differences. For instance, it's not so noticeable now, but when my husband and I first got married, there were two things I would see my husband and his brother bristle about. My husband was the "brain" and his twin was "Mr. Fixit". One felt inadequate when it came to fixing things, the other felt inadequate when it came to "brainy concepts". Since that time, my husband has gained much confidence with regard to fixing things (owning a home for 14 years has a way of doing that to some people). His brother has gotten his bachelors degree and has much more confidence regarding his academic abilities. Those were some deep-seated feelings that the parents helped perpetuate, unbeknownst to them.

Your twins are still very young, so be careful of labels. It almost sounds like you expect your boy to be active and a "monster" and you expect your girl to be a "princess". That's not totally true because you seem non-plussed by her behavior. Yet, could it be that she is just a hungry girl and is growing differently than her brother?

My husband's cousin's twins are a case in point. The girl has always been bigger/taller than the boy and has often has a more voracious appetite. She's not fat, she has just consistently been taller than her brother, sometimes by as much as 6 inches! They are now 13 and he is beginning catch up but they are definitely different with different needs and wants.

My best advice I can think of is to give support, comfort, and guidance as needed. And celebrate their differences and respect their needs.

No, its not a GIRL thing - I know people with the exact opposite. I, on the other hand, have the exact same situation as you, though my son is 31 months and my daughter is 12 months (they're night & day). Its the way they are. It sounds like you're doing fine ... she will eventually grow out of the excessive neediness, though, but she'll always be different from your son.

S.,

No, it is not a girl thing. My daughter is a happy go lucky little one. Came out that way and is still that way at 15-1/2 months. I know we have some friends whose daughter doesn't smile and is as you put it high maintenance but it isn't all girls. Have you mentioned it to your doctor? They may just tell you this is her personality though.

Good luck,
L. M

No, it is absolutely NOT a girl thing. Every child comes with their own personality. Your daughter sounds like maybe she is simply needing more affection and attention? Sounds like your son's behavior can be more troubling in the long run. I would definitely watch that personally.

Hi S., Just a thought here...could your daughters' 'tentativeness' be from a possible inner ear imbalance perhaps? Does she suffer from a lot of infections? Oral gratification is absolutely one way to 'ground' herself, if she is constantly feeling as if she is going to fall. This is not unusual. Children with difficulty processing visual information due to trouble with their inner ear systems (vestibular) may see objects closer or farther away then what they actually are, or sometimes objects may appear as if they are moving, when they are not. The eyes, head and neck area are closely connected to the inner ear system for our sense of balance. To best describe this 'feeling' of balance...recall what it feels like when you're parked in your car, and the car next to you backs up...you step on your brakes, CONVINCED you're rolling backward when actually you haven't even the motor on! Have you ever done this? Well..thats your vestibular system acting when it's fooled into thinking you're moving. Some children feel like that all the time. How is her muscle tome? Is she low toned by any chance? I realize this may seem 'out there' for you, but as a long time pediatric occupational therapy assistant I have learned that often behavioral patterns are mistaken for sensory-motor issues. You can easily have her screened for free by looking in your local phone book under Dept.of Education I believe it would be...or ask your local school's Kindergarten teacher. He or she will know who to contact for an OT screening. Early prevention is wonderful and it does not mean you are labeling your child. My daughter had sensory 'issues' as a toddler and now has not one, but TWO degrees, and was VIP athlete throughout her school career(s). She also is a twin...both girls, but two girls that were very different developmentally. My advise to you is to try hard to meet each of your children where they are. Really really work at this S.. All will be fine if you can do this. I know its hard NOT to compare, but don't...plain and simple...do not. Ofcourse, you already know they are individuals...you labored twice. :) Best regards, and contact me for more specific info if anything I say resonates with you. Be Peace, N.

From personal experience with my 14 yr old son and my 19 month old daughter I would say any baby can be like that, boy or girl. My 19 month old daughter cries and throws fits etc, but she gets over it. If she falls and really hurts herself my husband or I will hold her and cuddle her. If she just has a little tumble to the floor or something she usually laughs. Of course it helps that when she tumbles i go "WOW! Sage go BOOM!" The way i do the BOOM makes her laugh and she is fine. She comes to me and I check her over if she cries then I just tell her "No boo boo's Sage is okay" and give her a hug and put her down. This is usually sufficient and she is back to getting into things.
If she doesn't get her way though....watch out! When she wants something a certain way and doesn't get it she has a complete meltdown. For example: We have a wood stove and sometimes roast marshmellows over the fire in it. Her mouth is tiny and cannot handle a whole marshmellow and we are afraid they will be too hot if she eats a roasted one. We would break a big one into pieces and put it directly into her mouth. Because she sees that it is not the whole marshmellow she throws herself on the floor and screams. We kind of found a solution to that problem, we buy the mini marshmellows for her and she feels special.
My suggestion for the snacks is to give her her own special plate as well as her brother. I know sharing is something she needs to learn, but maybe start off with non food items. It makes things less messy, in my opinion.
Sage is definitely a little drama queen and loves the attention, but we get around most of the drama with different things. Another thing we do is when we go grocery shopping we know she can't stand being in the cart when it's not moving. While I make sure the groceries are rung up correctly and pay the cashier my husband brings Sage over to ride the dumbo ride for 50 cents. The process of getting over to the ride and getting on it and riding it etc usually takes just long enough for me to finish up with the groceries. My point here is if you know she is going to react a certain way to something plan something to prevent it. Some sort of distraction.
Also with the sharing we taught Sage by showing her how Mommmy and Daddy as well as Grammy and Grandpa and big brother Andre' share. We started off with her toys, I would pick one up and my husband would say "Please?" and put his hand out for the toy he would then say "Thank you!" and hand it back to me and say "Here you go!" etc etc. Then we did the same with her. Now when we ask her for something she gives it right to us and she also shares with other little kids at church etc.
I hope all of my rambling helps, let me know if you have any more questions.

God Bless!

34 yr old married mom of 14 yr old Andre' Joseph and 19 month old Sage Dominique.