Is It Ok to Tell Your Parents to Grow Up?

Sidenote: Theresa N. - that is freaky - you are correct. Now that I think about it I've never known a Scorpio doormat either!

Main question: I would not tell her to "grow up" but I also would not accommodate her either. I.e., she goes with the plan or she doesn't "go" at all.

Good luck.

JMO.

Personally, I would tell my mother, but not everyone is willing to be disrespectful to their parents : ) ! I, personally, would just continue to invite her and give her the choice to come. If she doesn't, maybe she will offer to take you and the family out on her dime for dinner or something (wishful thinking)? If she doesn't get the message, just simply say that you are sorry she is missing out on so many fun times and good memories with the family, and that it makes you a little sad. Maybe guilt will work. ; )

K, so this won't answer your question...but I want to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY.....and.....I have NEVER known a fellow Scorpio who was a doormat!

That is all.

:)

I went through the same thing with my parents 10 years ago. It takes time - a LOT of time - for it to get better. My parents can now be in the same room together, but they aren't friends. They suck it up and deal with each other for the grandkids brithdays now, but it took time.

And I know you don't want to hear this, but your traditions are going to have to change. You can't have everyone at everything or expect that inlaws/cousins/parents are always going accomodate your schedule. You have been very lucky up to this point to have such wonderful people in your life that they celebrate holidays on different days so that you can have your holiday the way you want it. And celebrating with your ex - wow, kudos to you and him for your maturity and foresight. Unfortunately, that tends to be the exception rather than the rule when it comes to divorces.

While my parents were in the stage that yours are, I had them TAKE TURNS and told them that was what I was going to do. I kept track of who got to have first right of refusal. For my son's 1st birthday, my dad had first dibs. He decided to come, so the decision to attend was my mom's. I told her that it was HER CHOICE to come or not. She choose not to come and celebrate the birthday later in the day, by coming for our regular dinner - nothing special - I did NOT throw a special party just for her. The second she said anything about missing out, I reminded her that it was her choice to do that, not mine.

The first time that she had first choice and my dad RSVP'ed that he would like to be there too, my mom threw a fit. It was her turn (I swear she sounded just like my 3 year old...)! I talked to my dad about it and he made a great point: This was between them, not me. Me trying to get in the middle and make everyone happy wasn't going to work and was only going to make everyone miserable and stressed.

So here's what we all came up with: The person whose turn it was had first dibs on the event. If the second person wanted to come, knowing that it wasn't their turn, they had to call the first person and work it out. I was not a part of it.

You have to have the willpower to do this and not get in the middle of it - your mom will try to suck you in, trust me. Call it "tough love"! When my mom did try to pull me in a couple of times. I had to say, "no, talk to dad, not me, if you need to work this out."

It's hard not to get pulled into the drama, but just say no! You can do it!

Happy Birthday fellow Scorpio.
Maybe your Mom regrets the divorce. I don't think you should change the way you do things for your mother. You also shouldn't let her guilt you into doing what she wants you to do. I know that's easier said than done but you have to look out for your family's best interest. Maybe if you start leaving her out of events by not changing the dates she will come around. Good luck to you and again Happy Birthday.

Happy Birthday!!

And absolutely tell her to grow up OR you need to be okay with her missing things. It's crazy. I know she is probably hurting, but it is what it is. She needs to get over it.

My sister is getting married May 2013. My mom already told her if one girl was going wedding dress shopping my mom wasn't going. She also told my sister if she invites one of my mom's friends who she is not getting along with right now (see my other questions for more on that if you want) that my mom will not come to the wedding. My sister doesn't know how to talk to my mom without it being WW3, so I talked to her. Maybe it was out of my place to do it, but I told her to knock it off or she wouldn't be invited period. My mom is great, just needs a step to reality sometimes :).

Do not change a thing to accommodate your mom. She is CHOOSING to be difficult and that's not your problem. Sounds like she is trying to manipulate you and your siblings to further punish your father. She's trying now to take you and your brothers away from him in addition to all that he has already sacrificed and given to her. Instead of moving on from her divorce, she is still harboring anger toward your father and to you for spending time with him. This does not make for a happy person. She can't become free of this anger until she let's what happened to her go.

I can understand her disappointment that her marriage failed, however she cannot tell you or manipulate you into not spending time with your dad unless you let her. It's a game to her. Don't play it, and tell her you're not going to play it. Tell her your plans, and that you'd love to have her be there for whatever it is that you're celebrating, but that if she cannot come because she cannot be in the same room as your dad, that's her loss. If she turns you down for celebrations or shopping, her loss. Maybe once you start acting like it doesn't bother you, she will get it. Maybe not. In that case, I tend to believe that some people just enjoy being miserable, and the less time I spend with those type persons, the better for me. It's your mom, but if she's toxic, you'll have to limit your time with her for your sanity!

I hate that you're going through this, especially this time of year. Hopefully your mom can learn forgiveness which I know is VERY hard, because the only way you can be at peace is to forgive. You don't have to forget, but you let it go to move on with life so it doesn't consume you and you die a very lonely, sad and bitter person.

Good luck and sending you hugs!

Your Mom is having issues of some sort.
What ever they are, she needs to work them out.
In the mean time, since you offer to do things with her, she refuses, then complains about you're not doing things with her (how passive aggressive is that?) - why not try to not try so hard?
Reaching out is not working, so don't reach out so much.
Give her a chance to come to you.
It may take her awhile to get off her behind and realize it's going to take some effort on her part to maintain a relationship.
What you've got right now sounds very one sided (you are making all the effort) and she gets a power kick by being able to refuse you.
She needs to find her new self and after 34 years it's not easy to do (and it's what teens go through to a degree, so it IS like she needs to grow up).
Next invitation she refuses, just tell her "You know where I am if you need me" then step back and don't call for awhile.

I believe it is selfish. It's not about HER. It's about YOUR birthday. Those are my true feelings.

Happy Birthday!

I wouldn't push for your mom and dad to coexist just yet. Its must be SO hard to have your marriage end after 34 years. They are seperate beings now. Go to your moms Thanksgiving dinnner and have your father come to yours. Why push for them to be in the same room? It will be uncomfortable for everyone.

Why won't she be around him? There may be a reason that you don't understand or can't articulate. However, assumning he isn't unpleasant, or wasn't abusive, or isn't bringing the girl he cheated with.. I tend to agree with you. Tell her to grow up.

Honestly, I was on the fence about your birthday. You are an adult and having both your parents there, while nice, should not ruin your day. You may have to have seperate celebrations. But the fact that she wouldn't come to her grandchildren's parties is ridiculous. No, you should not have 2 of everything. She is punishing herself by not attending these events, don't let her punish you too. She is manipulating you into taking sides. If she misses a party, so be it. That's on her.

I will also add a point to remember, the divorce is your parents' fault - both of them. Not your's or your siblings'. As far as I am concerned, they should be making all the concessions, at least at first. This is because of them, not you. They should be bending over backwards to make sure you two are okay.

Your Mom sounds hurt and angry, and she may be very very justified. I certainly don't know. But she has no right to take it out on you. However, she may not see it that way. Have you explained things, the burden it causes for you, clearly to her?.

I would sit her down and tell her that you understand that she is in a lot of pain right now and you love her very very much. But you are having a hard time respecting her right now. She is welcome at all family functions and encouraged to make plans with the family, but there will not be anymore rearranging everyone's schedule just for her.

I don't think it's a matter of telling her to "grow up", more a matter of YOU making your plans, inviting them both and if your mom can't be adult enough to deal with her ex...she can stay home. What's to stop her from taking your kids for a few hours every other week?
She IS acting like a child.
I think you just need to bounce the ball back into her court and giver her the chance to either respond like an adult or a child. her choice.
Soooooo...no don't do "two" of everything. It's not necessary. If she hosts a holiday then she decides who to invite and who not to invite.

No, no, no. Do not do 2 of anything. Like you and your ex, she'll just have to get used to seeing your dad at family functions and if she chooses not to come because your dad is there, that's her choice. She needs to understand that everyone has choices, not just her.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY !! Yes, it is time to tell your mother to grow up and start acting like a responsible adult! Tell her to get counseling if she is having a hard time dealing with the divorce. She is manipulating you and being punitive- she is trying to run your life and interfere with your relationship with your father. She is not alone-she has her sisters' company. NEXT YEAR, instead of changing up your whole birthday routine, tell her if she wants to miss the birthday celebration at home, she can take you out for lunch and shopping (at her expense-lunch).

I can only speak of my own divorce. I have no problem being in the room with my ex it is just he acts as if the divorce never happened. Granted these events are not on neutral turf like a child's house. He will come over here, go through my bills, take a huge dump and clog up the toilet but the worst thing is he keeps making those damn comments about my butt being big, trying to grab my boobs, stuff like that. My kids look at it as you put up with that for 18 years why can't you just ignore it for a few hours so we can have family time.

I can't ignore it, it is demeaning. My kids do tell me to grow up, perhaps I should but I don't think it is immature to tell a man you are not married to to stop making off color comments. At least for me the kids don't see the actions, they only hear me telling him to knock it off.

I don't know if your situation is anything like that I only pointed this out because sometimes the kids don't see everything that is going on. :(

Yes, your mom is acting like a child. I personally would not have changed the venue for your birthday. I'd keep it at my house and she can make her own choice about whether or not she'd like to come. Same for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

You can't expect her to grow up, so IMHO the best you can do is to make the choices you feel are appropriate and then let her make her own choices too.

Don't get started bending over backwards, accommodating her childish behavior, or you'll never stop.

You could tell her that if she's not able to cope with being around your dad for holidays, birthdays, and other celebrations, then she doesn't have to. But, that you cannot do 2 of everything. She can make arrangements with you to see you and your family, but that you will not be doing 2 celebrations of every event, and that it is her choice to miss them. I would emphasize that this is a choice that she is making, and that the ball is totally in her court. I would also mention that there will be once-in-a-lifetime milestones that she will not want to miss in her grandchildren's lives, and that it would be a shame that she missed them because she couldn't bear to be in the same room as your dad. I know it's hard -- I've been through this for my son's sake, but now his dad and I are perfectly fine seeing each other for whatever events our son wants us at. It's been hard work getting to this point, but when you're a parent, you don't have the luxury of being childish about things like this, even if your kid is grown. When you have a child, you are connected forever.

This obviously sucks for all of you. Your mom's having trouble coping and obviously can't at this time act logically and in the best interest of the whole family. I would have a talk with her. Before you begin your part, I would listen (without interrupting) to what's bothering her. There's two sides and perhaps she feels the family is picking your dad's side (even if you don't agree just listen). Then I would say how you feel put in the middle and want to spend more time with her but there's not enough time to do all the running around on birthdays and holidays. It's just not feasible. Then if she's still unwilling to be there on holidays with your father then I would suggest the this is your Mom's turn for Thanksgiving, his turn for Xmas and the next year make it the opposite, etc. Also, for your birthday, she should pay if she wants to have a special lunch with you. Just tell her next time you don't have the money. I would also "schedule" a regular time with your mom to be with the kids and also with you. Ask her what she would like (other than Dad's time). Hopefully she'll see the light soon, but she may never. Hope you have a good Thanksgiving!

Personally, I think it is unreasonable to force your parents to continue to celebrate all of the holidays together.

Your mom is obviously having issues with the divorce. Is she being childish? Maybe. It really does not matter what her reasons are because that is between her and your father.

You are an adult with children of your own. People grow and change. Sometimes your traditions need to change to. Have your dad over for your birthday celebration and celebrate with your mom on another night or go out to lunch with her alone.

It is not fair to keep forcing her into a situation where she is obviously uncomfortable.

Yes, you have the right to tell your Mom to grow up because she is acting like a child! None of this is about her; it is about family. In this instance, it is your birthday and you should be calling the shots. The next time it will be Chirstmas or your children's birthday. All of these occasions should be happy times and your Mom seems to be making it all about herself.

Yes she is in the middle of a divorce but it is a "friendly" divorce. Things could be much worse! Your Mom is hurting, I get that, but she needs to realize life goes on. She can do that by enjoying her family and dealing with the divorce with grace and diginity, setting a wonderful example, or with drama causing pain to everyone who loves her.

I know you want to be there for your Mom and Dad, both of them are hurting. Tell your Mom your plans and let her deal with it. Tell her you love her and continuing on with family traditions is a testiment to her. She can decide to be involved or not. Make it clear to her you will not fracture your family by altering family traditions. Continue all your family's traditions as always. Give her time to figure things out.

Constantly invite her to dinner, shopping, ...whatever you enjoy doing together. Send her flowers occasionally and surprise her. You will get a "No." alot but I bet in time she will decide a life with family is better than life alone.

Good luck to you!

Are you looking for permission?

If so, you have mine!

I wouldn't change one single thing about your life. I would have your party at YOUR house as usual and your holiday celebrations should stay the same. You all need to present a united front on this one. She has made her choices and she is old enough to know that they shouldn't affect you. Make it clear that she is welcome at the celebrations, that you'll really miss her if she isn't there, but that you are having it as usual and SHE is the one who has to decide whether or not she'll attend.

This is childish, ridiculous stuff and catering to her WILL make it worse. Make it known NOW, early in the game, that your family is going to keep doing things like they did before, with or without HER.

In a perfect world, common sense will overpower feelings but this isn't a perfect world and feelings are going to be hurt. Telling mom that you are having this party at this time and that dad will be there and you would love for her to be there but if she can't then you are sorry, will end up making you feel horrible, your mother will think you are choosing your dad's side and will hurt family relations. I did tell my son that I would invite his wife to all family functions because their daughter has the right to have her family together but she was 3 and that is a bit different then an adult in the understanding department. Kids birthdays I would have a party and invite everyone, hoping they all come. Holidays and adult birthdays I would plan the big dinner and if she didn't want to come there, come up with a time for a get together with her. Maybe things will settle down by next year. Good luck.

I don't agree with all the things your Mom is doing to try to manipulate the various situations... however... she was married to your dad for THIRTY SIX YEARS! That's a long time. I don't think someone can "get over that" in 1 year... maybe even in their lifetime. I think she is hurting, and you should show her a little kindness. It sounds like everyone wants her to just put it behind her and get with the program. But things HAVE changed, and maybe you and your siblings need to acknowledge it and realize that all the holidays aren't going to be like they were. She might not be ready to get with the program... you should try to respect that.

I wouldn't necessarily go for the separate holidays, but maybe you could just have her over for dinner with your family on some random evening. Why not invite her to the bar? She can always have a soda. People don't have to drink to go to a bar where they serve food, etc.

Like others have said, let her know what the plans are and tell her you'd love to have her. Maybe they could stagger when they come... Dad could come earlier and Mom could come later.

I don't think you have to let her run the show, but maybe try to accommodate her every so often. That's not too much to ask. She is your Mom, you obviously love her since you want her around. Just keep that in mind, and it will work out.

I think you need to try to have a little more compassion for your mom. While it's great that your divorce seems to have gone smoothly, not all do. Not everyone can deal with this as well as you seem to have and your dad seems to be. Maybe you inherited some of your temperament from him?

Is it possible that your mom is going through menopause? My mom is past that age but if yours is younger, that might be affecting her mood as well. My mom was totally unreasonable during "the change" but she went through it when I was in high school and college.

I would also suggest that perhaps there is more to the story than you know. My husband and I have many secrets in our marriage that we will never share with our children, even when they're adults. At least give her the benefit of the doubt that maybe some of her feelings are justified.

Is there a friend you confided in or a journal you kept during the darkest days of your own divorce? Even though things might be all good now, chances are you had some moments of anger, fear, despair etc.. I know that when I re-write the past in my head to seem smoother than it was, I have my trusted friends there to say "LOL you were a wreck! Don't you remember saying..."

Anyway...I would be patient with her through the worst of it and try to accommodate her needs when possible. Hopefully when things settle she'll be in a better place and will be more open to shared events again.

Obviously your Mom is having a hard time with this divorce. Yes, they have been apart for three years, but now it is going to be a done deal. Maybe she was secretly wishing for a different outcome during the "seperation?" Personally, I think you need to try to see things from your Mom's perspective. My parents are divorced and so are my in-laws. We always have to make seperate plans for our parents. It's just the way it is. And they have been divorced and remarried for more than 20 years! If your Mom decides to do this for the really big events, like weddings, high school graduations, etc. then I think you would have something to complain about. Give her some time to get used to everything...and ask her how she's doing! Maybe she feels jilted and just needs to be able to express it. Good luck!

Hi,
First, Happy Birthday!!!!! I hope your day is great regardless of your parent's drama.
I am so sorry your mom is acting so childish! I would absolutely keep your plans the way you originally planned and invite both mom and dad. Tell them if they can't be adults about it, they don't have to come. Plain and simple. It is not your job to cater to your mom to make sure she is happy with the plan-she is dragging your family through hell and its not fair. Tell her to grow up and come if she can be an adult. Best wishes to you and if she decides not to come, that is her loss. She will learn her lesson quick.

M

You explain things so very well. Your mom sounds like she could use some counseling. You don't get to make your husband unhappy while married to him, ask for a divorce, get it and everything and still continue to try to make him and everyone else miserable. When does it end?

You are setting a fine example of what a good divorce should look like for the kids. I'm just curious as to why your mom is so incredibly spoiled and selfish in expecting everyone to march to her own drummer. If you can get everyone on the same page an intervention may be necessary. If she is going to continue to behave and make the demands she is making you guys may have to choose to cut her off until she can behave better. I don't know. It's not an easy situation but I don't like being made to feel like I'm being manipulated or controlled for the sake of making another miserable.

Or you could go a different route by showering her wil love and attention. She seems like she is crying out for something I just don't know if its a punishment or more attention she is looking for.

Mommy does need to grow up. I think counseling for her may help greatly.

Well, happy birthday! I hope you enjoyed yourself, despite the tension between your parents.

I agree with some of the comments in that you should be understanding of your parents' feelings, but personally, I believe she is being incredibly unreasonable and not understanding at all of YOUR feelings! She's being extremely selfish, although everyone (especially the women) I know that has gone through a divorce goes through that phase.

Sit her down and explain to her that you are in a really tough spot and that you feel that you have to choose between her and your dad, and that makes you sad. Use a lot of "I feel"s and don't be accusatory (avoid the "you"s). At the same time, you need to be firm and set the boundaries for what you will and will not accept from her. If you think it'll make her feel better, go ahead and tell her you've had the same conversation with your dad. Once you've established the boundaries, I think it should be easier to turn down invitations, but it would be appropriate for you to offer an alternative at the same time.

As far as the double holidays, celebrations, etc. As uncomfortable as it sounds, you may need to have a sit-down with the both of them, and work something out. You certainly don't want your birthday celebration to be overshadowed by a fight, or someone sulking in the corner the whole time, making it known that they don't want to be there.

Good luck - I'm sorry that you are going through this! Hopefully, you can all come to an acceptable compromise.

It does sound like your mother is having coping issues. Either she thought after a separation they could rekindle things and realized they couldn't or maybe with your dad giving in to everything she is used to it. My suggestion is to try to find a DivorceCare class in your area. There are a few churchs around here that do the class and it is really good. It is especially good for people who had been married a long time because it deals with issues of how to spend your time, loneliness, feelings of failure, financial stress of dealing with finances all by yourself, and what to do when you see your ex. It might be good for her to talk in a group setting where others share her situation. Sometimes it helps to talk to non-family members about those things because they don't have any ties to it. And as for what you should do about the family gatherings. I suggest you invite her to the group get together and if she doesn't want to come say ok I understand how you feel and I hope to see you at the next one. For your birthday I would have left things planned the way they were and offered her a lunch alone with you as a second option as way for you to see her that day but explain to her that replanning or double planning each party is just too hard on you. As it is with in-laws and exs to plan around you have a lot on your plate and financially it has to be hard as well. Let her know you understand it is a huge thing she is doing for you to spend a few hours with him in the room but that you appreciate it and remind her that even if many of their friends would feel the need to choose sides or play favorites - you don't. You are just simply treating them both as individuals but love them the same. Another option might be to suggest that she come over an hour or so before you have him showing up (like for appetizers) and tell her that she can leave if she feels uncomfortable when he gets there. You might get lucky and she stays and if not you have spent some time with her on that day. Because in reality the important part is spending some time with family - that's the important ingredient in all traditions. Good Luck!

I think in this instance, it is fine to tell her to grow up. Remind her that she is going through something difficult, and that you fell for her, but it is hard for the whole family and you would appreciate it if she didn't buck and make things even more difficult.

Your mom is sort of being childish. However, I can say after going through a divorce myself, that I would not have wanted to be around my ex-husband. I no longer loved him, there were tons of things about him that grated on my nerves, I just didn't want to be near him. ESPECIALLY while going through the divorce. Now that we are divorced, I am re-married and he's engaged and we are both happy again, we are perfectly friendly to one another. Do I want to spend an entire day with him? Uh, no. I don't particularly like him as a person. That is why I divorced him. There are obviously reasons your parents are divorcing. I wouldn't push them to be together for holidays or birthdays just yet. I'm sure the time will come where your mom is ready to suck it up and do that for her family, but right now she isn't ready. Going through a divorce is extremely emotional. Whether it's on friendly terms or not. In a way she is in mourning. She is ending a big part of her life and beginning another. Seeing your dad being happy and friendly to her and everyone probably makes it that much harder. Cut her some slack...for now.

My parents never divorced but naturally there is divorce all around me as it is with most people.

Anyways, I go to birthday parties all the time where dad comes for an hour than leaves because he knows mom is coming. Went to a Halloween party where mom stayed upstairs and dad downstairs. Went to a WEDDING where mom was in one half and dad in the other. I've actually never seen people be reasonable with divorce like you are proposing. Hell I've seen inlaws that play the we get this day they get that day because they don't like each other!

She may seem childish to you ... and maybe to me. BUT we've never been divorced. We don't know what it's like. For that matter I've never seen a civil divorce in my 30 years on earth where both parties stayed friends except where the guy figured out he was gay. That is the ONLY one I've seen where you could say they were friends afterwards. Otherwise everything I see when families split.. they split. That's all she wrote. My husbands grandparents never were in the same room again after their divorce. To the day he died that man never went to anything she was at and he was HAPPILY remarried and neither party cheated. She didn't even attend his funeral. I thought that was weird and in poor taste but I was told actually her going would have been without asking his current wife.

And regardless if you like it or not you are choosing. You already illustrate in your message you don't like your mom over this and you side with your father so I'm sure she can read between the lines too and she's pry responding to that to. Both of her children it sounds like made it clear that they are picking dad. Again everyone I know picks a parent to. The other one they just put up with and it's evident.

What can you really do? Is it fair to make her uncomfortable and ruin her holidays anymore than it is to you? Are you not pry being unfair too? In this world divorce is a sucky thing and it's so unfair all around. Problem is we all just have to adjust life afterwards for all parties. I don't really think it's fair for any of you.

Happy Birthday! I don't think you should have to be inconvenienced all the time to appease your mom. Jeesh, it's stressful enough to plan holidays and parties without having additional ones each time. She needs to decide if she wants to be a big girl and come, or miss out. I'm sure you don't want her to miss out either, but if you start doing this with the separate holidays, she'll probably expect it every time. I wouldn't be able to deal with that.

I think that your Mom does need to grow up a bit...Not to be nosey but why are they getting divorced if they were on friendly terms and there was no adultery...I guess I don't understand those circumstances. Obviously she is very angry and really for the evening should be putting her differences aside to celebrate you.

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't cater to her. My friend's mother did the same thing when she and her father divorced. My friend told her mom that this is how it's always been and if you suddenly want to change things, when no one else does, that's on you. You'll have to work around our schedules, not the other way around. (My friends parents had been separated for 5 years and he filed for divorce when her mom started acting like this. She was already dating someone else, too.)

If you don't want to cater to her every whim, then don't. When she complains that you never do anything with her, or spend time with her, then ask her why she doesn't call you to do things. Remind her that you've called her several times to go running errands and stuff with her, but she's turned you down.

Sorry you're having to deal with this.

And have a great birthday, despite everything!

Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry you're being treated this way! Family dynamics can really suck! Just so it's out there: your mom is behaving very badly and basically holding everyone hostage emotionally through her manipulative behavior. On the other hand, we each get to choose how to live our own life. And refusing to be in the presence of your dad, apparently, is how she's choosing to live hers.

I really dislike it when people say "you need to..." or "I'd tell her...." because each family's situation is different. You might, however, try talking with her about how hurtful it is for you and your family. I'm not a fan of confrontation couched as discussion, but I'm a strong believer in being open and respectful. This means speaking your mind, but at the same time encouraging your mom to speak hers and being willing to listen. Also, acknowledge how she feels and whatever you feel is valid from her perspective.

Ultimately, you might have to put your foot down. Tell her you understand her point but that Dad and she both are part of your family & you're not going to follow the "separate but equal" track. Then, put it into practice. As in, "Hubby & I are having a Ground Hog Day celebration (or whatever the occasion) this year for our family. The kids are really looking forward to showing you the skit they're working on. We were thinking brother & his family, Dad and you -- just to keep it to family. Hope you can come!" When she declines & offers an alternate or asks you to come to a separate celebration of the holiday or event, tell her you're only doing it once & hope she can come. Then, stick to your guns. Tell her you really want her there but it's up to her, because you also really want your dad.

So, yeah. Keep doing it the way you have been. But also keep asking her & leaving that door open. Ask her how you can make it easier for her (maybe no pictures where she has to be with your dad or whatever). Celebrate & acknowledge her effort when/if she does come.

Keep the love there. She'll come around. It took YEARS for my mom to tolerate my dad & his wife. She'd leave the room -- with a loud huff -- when they walked in. Eventually, she stayed in the room. The first time she actually spoke casually with my dad's wife, I whipped out my camera because there was no way my siblings would believe it without photographic proof! Now, she's OK with things. They'll never be best friends, but she's OK. Makes it SOOO much easier for everyone -- including her.

Hang in! And, yeah, you might have to tell her to get over herself. Hug