Is It Possible I Married the Most Selfish Man Ever?

I would tell him that he can only go on the diving trip if he can find a way for you to go home for Thanksgiving. He shouldn't have asked to go when he knew you wanted to go home and he didn't tell you how much it was going to cost when he asked.

You make sure you go home for Thanksgiving no matter what. Make him come up with the money for gas if that is the issue. Why should you have to sacrafice something as important as Thanksgiving?

If it were me, I would honestly still go to Thanksgiving. But I am stubborn. I wouldn't care if we didn't have the money (call me selfish,) but you never know when something will happen and family is very important to me.

You lost me at "he ASKED me if he could....."

You're not his mother. he doesn't need your permission to do anything and the fact that he is ASKING you means he is passively aggressively making YOU responsible for HIS decisions.

I do agree with the other mamas that part of the answer lies in budgeting - and HE needs to be an equal partner in that planning process. EVERYTHING needs to be in the budget - money for haircuts and movies and food and clothing and lunch money and hobbies and travel and holidays. You agree on how much goes into what "fund" and then that's it. HE has a certain amount that he can spend on diving and when it's gone..... HE should know that he can't go. YOU have a certain amount to spend on travel.... but those two budgets are independent - one doesn't affect the other.

If his only consequence is that you are unhappy that isn't a big enough motivator for him to change his behavior. you're expecting him to act like an adult, but you're allowing him to get you to treat him like a child.

I know these conversations are tough, but you need to sit down with him and have a conversation based on facts. if he earns all the money and wants to dictate what you do with it..... then you need to get a job, so that you have equal say in the money decisions. I absolutely cannot stand a single income family where the breadwinner is on a power trip. That person doesn't want a family and a SAHM.... they want an employee. You need to have your own money or at least 'family' money that is budgeted that each of you have equal say in how it is spent.

I'm not sure if he would go to counseling? You could go alone..... work through what your goals are and some techniques for how to not let him make you the 'bad guy' and how to stick up for yourself.

Good Luck.

Good luck.

I know after I post this alot of women are going to say how wrong I am. However these women aren't married to husbands like our are ( or mine was). Do you use coupons? If so from now on for every $ you've saved using coupon, take that actuall money and put it into a checking acct. with your name on it only at a diff. bank than the one you have with your husband. Next pay yourself every week it dosn't have to be outrageous $10 a week will add up fast. As far a christmas goes open a christmas club acct. up. Not sure if your working or not, if not have you thought about caring for 1 child other than your own you could make $100 a week or better and put this extra cash aside for YOUR needs, not hubby's. Some guys just don't get it even when we make it as clear as possible. So wright everything out to him let him know how you feel and from this day on what you expect. Tell him you have one child and another on the way. If he wants to continue acting like a spoiled child then he needs to go home to his MOMMY, because your not it. Next I would just go home for the holidays remember where there's a will theres a way. Leave hubby at home if he can't/ won't come along. Good luck and know your not alone it took me about 12 years to get mine to finally get it.

It is not possible you married the most selfish man on the planet. I did.

oh man sounds like you married a wild spender for sure!! There is usually a spender and saver in a marriage and from my limited observation it is usually worse when the spender is the man. My husband is the saver and I have to help him not go Nazi about not ever spending. But bc he is the saver it keeps us from getting into trouble. You gotta talk this out and I think make a discretionary budget for you and for him. The only trick will be getting him to agree that once he blows through his, that's it, good luck with that!! But I think if each person has an amount they can spend monthly that they don't have to ask the other about things go much better! Now either member can save their $$ for several months and get something big or just blow it and get more the next month. We have a crazy, detailed budget, but for us it works. We have all our money divided into what we spend for groceries, birthday gifts, Christmas, personal things like haircuts, car and gas expenses etc. We have an excel spreadsheet where we track what we spend and watch the money accumulate in areas we are saving. This works for us bc otherwise when Christmas came around for example, it would be tough. But our fun money is separate and we don't have to answer to the other about it. I mean it doesn't matter if it is $20, $50 or $300 a month, just knowing you have money you can freely spend helps a spender, believe me I know ;) So I think you have to talk to him about an agreed amount you can both spend monthly, it gets pulled out as cash at the beginning of the month and that's it. Having said all that, I am so sorry that you aren't going to be able to do some of the Holiday things you had planned, that is a bummer for sure. I think maybe ironing out some agreements in the area of finances may help. Hang in there!!

WHAT? You have to miss a holiday with your family for the THIRD year in a row because he just *gets* to spend whatever he wants on whatever he wants because "he makes the money"? Seriously? That is SO wrong on so many levels.
Honey, I hope he makes a boatload of money to the point where it doesn't matter--but from your post--he obviously doesn't. Or if he does, he just pi$$es it away.
Is he familiar with the term B-U-D-G-E-T? He needs to get VERY familiar with it--like yesterday.
Let's see, diving, game, vs. Christmas, holiday, family birthdays, birth of child.
To answer your question--yes, quite possibly, you have!
And I'd sure be OUT of money for sweet potatoes on Thanksgiving week.

Just based on what you wrote, it sounds like you are only HINTING about what is bothering. If you want a man to understand you, you have to clearly tell him what is bothering you. "Honey, you did not tell me the diving trip would cost so much money. I REALLY want to go home to see my family, and now that you have spent the money on the game and the trip, I don't think I can afford to go home." Don't make accusations or blame, just state your concerns.

Maybe he really does care, but just doesn't get how his spending is affecting the budget. Maybe you could write down the expenses to show him. I, personally, would not throw your neice's birthday into the complaint. I would choose a personal trip over spending a lot on a niece, too. And, is your kids' birthday really that big of an expense? My kids' 2nd birthdays cost about $20 each. That's less than going out to eat. (And they LOVED their parties!)

You'd probably do better in the future (or maybe even get him to forget about the diving trip) if you tell him clearly what YOU need, NOT what you won't get to do. You're leaving too much of the choice up to him, and he's proved to you that he'll take as much as he thinks you'll tolerate, even if it makes you sad or annoyed.

That's a pattern that will keep him pushing the boundaries of what you'll accept from him. If you think it's bad now, give it a few more years.

How about telling him, "You know, my darling, the kids and I have needs, too. I'm sure you were aware that we had all been looking forward to a holiday visit to my family because we've missed the past three years. I expect to take that trip and enjoy this holiday, and I'm afraid that means you can't spend all this money on a diving weekend. I need to have us make more equitable decisions about how this family's entertainment funds are used. Let's sit down and work out an entertainment budget that we can both count on."

So because he spends $200 on the diving you can't go to your families for Tgiving? If you are penny pinching that much then I would have a sit down talk with him and lay it out. Its ok for him to do things that are "reasonable" and if you have the extra money, but not to use money for a trip that you already had planned. So Tgiving is still more than a month away and if you only need a couple hundred to go then tell him he is going to cut back and work OT to make up for it. You also learned a lesson that when he "asked" you if it was "ok" to go, you now know you need to make sure you get more details before oking it or not. At least he asked and didn't go all crazy like some husbands can do. Just sit down and tell him its not ok and make sure you work out a plan to handle things like this in the future. Good luck.

Have you asked him why he doesn't care that you are hurt and upset that you will not be able to see family for the holidays? Have you asked him to not get the game so that are still able to go visit? People are not mind readers so if you don't speak up he will not know.

Good luck!

Yes you are married to a selfish man..you know that already though. This is what we do at my house. My husband is our only income, we used to have major issues with him thinking that all extra money was his to with what he wished. So finally after a financial disaster he got the point. He gets 200 bucks a week. That's his to do with whatever he wants..fantasy football league payment,charter fishing boat,card game with the guys,smokes,beer..whatever. I put gas in the car and all those other little things. If he runs out of money before the week is up then he is broke. If he does NEED money for something and I have any left from my tiny portion then I will pick it up. You can try something like that. Maybe try. A friend of mine also had the same problem with her husband when she first quit her job to be a SAHM and so every time her husband spent money that was not neccesary she spent the same amount. This went on for a few months until he wanted to purchase something big and they had no money in the savings account he settled his selfish butt down right away. Good luck.

Do you discuss this stuff with him -and your feelings? He does sounds immature and rather selfish, but unless he knows your expectations and upcoming plans and expenditure plans ahead of time, it's hard to think he's purposefully spending money that was supposed to go elsewhere. Sure -he should be thinking about your son's birthday, holidays and hospital co-pays. Those are things he knows are coming, but make sure you point all of that out. Also -you can tell him things like, "Well, there won't be any sweet potato casserole -or anything else for Thanksgiving dinner if we don't eat it at my family's house." You have told him for the last three years that's where you want to be, right? You may also want to remind him of things like, "If you want to go diving right now, that's fine, but since it's costing several hundred bucks and you've bought yourself a $70 game, I hope you consider that your Christmas present." Make your feelings known and if he continues to be a selfish jerk who refuses to compromise or change -leave him.

Okay, he asked you about the diving thing, did you not realize it would cost money? Is he always spending money on junk, like all the time without talking to you about it?

As for all the birthdays, you don't need to go and throw a party for your 2 year old and get lots of gifts. You don't need to get gifts for your mil and niece, or if you do, get something under $5. You don't need to get gifts for everyone for Christmas. His video game IS his Christmas present. My husband does the same thing with his games, and he knows it is going to be his birthday/Christmas/Father's Day present.

You can still budget and go home for Thanksgiving.

I think that you are po'd not just because of this spending issue, but because of all of the other issues that has been going on with him. like, you are nitpicking the little stuff when there are much huger issues here.

Also, you are due in December according to your last post, how do you plan on traveling in November 8 1/2 months pregnant? You certainly can't fly or go on a long car ride. Maybe going home for the holidays isn't a great idea anyways right now.

Really, you can either continue to complain and see zero change and get zero attention and respect, or you can do something proactive about it and leave his sorry butt until he can make some serious changes.

Well it's a man thing I guess. My husband is taking his THIRD week of vacation this week when I work 7 days per week and only get 2 days off for the entire year. He and my daughter are gallivanting to the zoo and back etc. On the way out the door he asks me what I am going to do about the broken tile in the bathroom. Tomorrow is MY birthday and he's sure to find a way to make it miserable. He always does.

Here's what you do and this is what I'm doing. NO thanksgiving dinner...not anything special. Pick your favorite quick meal and be done with it. I get Thanksgiving day and Christmas day off this year and I want NOTHING to do with a big thing. My mother is as sick of it all as I am. I guess I'm really glad that my daughter has her own place and loves to cook. :) It does get better someday, I promise it does.

Since you stay home with the kids ... guess what some of HIS money should go in to a separate account in your name only. Tell him it's that or daycare and even though you are worth every penny that a daycare charges, plus a cook/evening nanny/housekeeper ... none of us would actually get that kind of money from our husband but you should DEFINITELY have money of your own in your own account. Put it on the board with all the other bills .. even if it's just a a couple of hundred per month, you should have money of your own FROM HIM since he works outside the home. He is actually saving money if you stay home for the family unless you would typically have a very high paying job and contributing a huge financial amount to the budget each month. Call a local daycare and ask for their rates and share it with him. It is shocking! With you having some money of your own, you can have some control over the activities you get to do like going home for the holidays. You could remind him, it is cheaper doing it this way rather than child support if you kick his sorry a** out the door! ... what's his preference!?!? Men aren't surprised when their wife stands up for themselves and you MUST! Honestly, I think my husband respects me more for not letting him walk all over me. They KNOW what they should do, you just have to make sure they do it.

There is no way to justify anything that he said. It all sounds very rude and selfish. I can't help thinking that you guys were arguing though which tends to bring too many emotions and keeps us from saying rational things. My husband and I are a team when it comes to the money. He has no idea how to budget it (something he conveniently forgot how to do as soon as we got married, I'll never know how he survived before me.) So that leaves me to do the dirty work: dealing with billing companies, calling about accounts, entering in expenses in Quicken. He makes the money, and I'm the accountant. (don't accountants get paid for their work? ;)

We used to have many fights about money. Mostly it was because he wanted to talk about it, and I didn't see the point. If you have no money, does it really matter if there is a budget? We got on the Dave Ramsey plan. He got me on it, and it took quite a bit of convincing. He had downloaded financial peace university on his phone and we would listen to it in the car anytime we went anywhere. It finally got me interested in giving it a try. It's pretty amazing.

I'm not saying everything is perfect. We had an argument back in June about how he had told me I could fly out to my brother's wedding. When it came time to buy the tickets though, there was no money. He had spent too much on fast food at lunch. I was so upset. I cried for the rest of the day. I was angry with him because I blamed him, and I was heartbroken that I couldn't go support my brother after I had really been looking forward to it. I got over it, and we went on with our lives. We are now even better off financially than we were before.

Go to your families house anyway. There isn't really enough money for HIM to go, but there's enough for you and the kids on a credit card. HA. I know that's not helpful, and I don't use credit cards, but that is what I would want to do.

Have you heard of a book called "Have a new Husband by Friday"? It's probably at the local library....Get it, study it, apply it!!! lol. Also, I would try to find a small source of income that is yours.

Don't know if he's selfish, but he certainly sounds like he has bad money management skills and quite possibly a spending addiction. Stereotypes always feature women as having a problem with indiscrimate spending on friviolity, but never men. But IMO, that's what is going on here. He sounds like he has a spending problem.

With that said, I think he's very aware of the money problems and the stress weighing in on you. So much so, he's dealing with it by spending more money. I don't think he's being selfish. I think he's self medicating and avoiding stress through spending money he knows he doesn't have. Spending addictions, gambling, hoarding, drinking...all of these reckless behaviors are symptomatic of someone trying to self-medicate.

Sounds like you need to get your husband some help real fast. He probably doesn't realize he uses expensive diversions as a coping mechanism. Couples counseling, joining spenders anonymous (this is a real organization- google it) and seeing a financial counselor ASAP might be a good way to shed light on the subject and help get him steered in the right direction. Don't delay, just like realizing you have an alcoholic for a spouse, the longer you put off getting help, the more likely you stand to lose your home, your sanity and your marriage. Spending disorders are real and real destructive. Get help for the both of you without delay.

Who is paying the bills at your house? If it's your husband, he has an unfair advantage, knowing when there will be extra money available. If it's you, then you need to make him aware of all the upcoming expenses that are part of family life. I would have to take back the approval for his weekend with buddies first. I know this sounds tough, but you are dealing with someone who is out of reality about his commitments. Good luck. God Bless