Is It So Wrong to Want the Break?

Wow - after reading about you in your profile which was longer than your submitted question looks like you are super human and can do it all. Beautiful, talented, chef, wealthy, artistic awesome Mom and envied by all .... do you really need advice? While your step kids are away you should start a blog about yourself ... I'm sure there is more that we were not able to hear!

Are you kidding?????

Hi D.. Don't be so hard on yourself- you've got a lot on your plate. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with my situation, as well. Here's what I heard at Church one day: Our priest was talking about the mundane things we have to do in life and how sometimes it's just too much. So he said to "put a spin on it" and make everything "all for the glory of God". So every time I pick up my husband's socks or dirty clothes at the foot of the bed EVEN THOUGH we have a laundry room right next to our bedroom, I think to myself "it's all for the glory of God". Because by not nagging him about it and just doing it, I am creating a more peaceful home for all of us. And if he can't remember or is too tired to do it himself, then I will do it "all for the Glory of God". I know for a fact that my sweet husband has never put a new roll of toilet paper on the toilet paper thingy in the bathroom in our 14 years of marriage. It used to make me perplexed. Is it that hard to do? Does he just not have the time when he's sitting there to take the roll and put it on the thing ? I don't think so! But I kind of laugh and even put the new toilet paper on , all for the glory of God.
Your step children are so lucky to have you as their full time mom. Just think how they might turn out if they had to be raised by the biological mom? God has given YOU as a gift to them to help give them a chance. You are their glory, and someday they will turn out to be good adults that take care of themselves, because you taught them to. So do it for the glory of God, because that must be what he intended for them.
I have found that some people just aren't meant to be parents. And at times I don't get it, because I love my kids so much I can't imagine letting someone else raise them. But some people can barely take care of themselves, let alone a child. Some of us are just better equipped, I guess. Of course, I had great parents . Maybe the mom didn't have a good example to follow. But at least now her kids will have a good example -- YOU. :)
Good luck !
L.

OMG! I thought you were describing me in your description (except for the Bud girl thing!) I too felt relief when my stepdaughter went to see her Mother. It was once a year for 2 to 3 weeks (most of the time, it ended up being 1 week.) I needed that break. It is easier with your own kids because you have known them from the day they were conceived. Familarity and all. Don't beat yourself up. ALL parents need a decompression time. As for your feelings of resentment, totally normal. I think it stems from knowing what the children must be feeling in regards to their Mother's behavior. My stepdaughter never really acted like it bothered her until she became a teenager. I wish you luck!

Girl I feel your pain!!!!!! I have one of my own and 3 step kids. I wonder if my husband was married to same person yours was married to????LOL I don't feel a break coming my way anytime soon, but I hope you enjoy yours!!!!

Everybody needs a break now and then, even from your own kids, so I think its natural to have those feelings. You've taken on a big responsibility with these children, but you DID voluntarily take it on when you married their dad. I feel bad for the children spending 6 weeks with a neglectful mother.

I don't think its bad, however or wrong to feel the way you feel. I love my step daughter dearly, but when she is with us our lives are completely disrupted. I would never want her to stop coming to our home, but it IS a disruption since we are used to living with no children. Does that make me a bad person to admit that? No... it makes me honest. Of course now that we'll have a new baby in the house full time, it won't be a disruption anymore because we'll be used to having a child there full time.

no it is normal maybe if you took more me time during the week it would help also you may feel you are being taken advantage of but remember you will be the MOM that reaps all the benefits from these children may you always be blessed

I don't think it's wrong to want/need a break. We ALL do even when it's our own kids! LOL But I'm not sure it will be the break you want. You may worry about their well being if she is as bad a mom as you say she is and then you have all the probs when the kids come back. It is reasonable that you would want their mom to take care of her kids, but the reality is, she isn't going to. Thank God you are in their life!!!! You are the REAL mom in their life!

Blessings,
M.
MOM to 5 Wonderful Kids
www.4MyChildrenSake.com
MOMs Helping MOMs

I am right there with you. Recently I am seperated from my husband, but I've also helped raise 3 step children. I also have 2 of my own. I treat all 5 as if they were my own blood. It is hard to see them go, but we all need breaks every once in awhile. The only thing I hate is their mother is a very bad influence, sounds just like your husbands ex, doesn't care about them until she is feeling sorry for herself, she is a party animal and has different men in her life, like she changes her underwear. The only thing I hate is when the kids come back, they are in the same bad ways and habits they pick up from her. They are not clean, hygiene problem, no socks on, stinky feet, bad hair, talking back, picky eating, and makes me feel like they should've just stayed home with us. Good luck.

Your feelings sound perfectly normal to me, but I'm really just responding to say that I loved your profile. It made my day.

How old are the children? I have been in the same situation with the biological mother not involved, not paying child support, more worried about herself than her children and me raising the kids. However, we knew the situation before we got involved. I would not trade any of my kids for the world, but it is very normal to want a break! God gave me these kids and I am going to do the best to raise them right....how I was! It is good for all involved to get a break. I know you will worry about them when they are gone, just as I do when my 17 & 16 yr old go stay the weekend at their biological mother's house..It's the "mom" in us! Trust me when I say, just wait until they're teenagers-you will really want a break! God Bless

D.! Everyone needs a break! Even if they're not your stepkids. Hell I count down the days til I have a girls night out cause those are my breaks... and I'm talking about my own kids! :) Don't worry, the break is just long enough for you too miss them again, then you'll be happy they're back.

I applaude you for knowing a break is exactly what you need!

It sounds like you are an awesome person, I think you have a very clear sense of priorities and morals.Take the time for yourself you need/want and be sure to ENJOY it!
BLESS-Angela Peace

It's not wrong at all. All mother's need a break! If you had a little more time to yourself you might not be climbing the walls so much. To get a break helps every mother to be a better mother. You know how you always here about putting yourself on the top of your own list or to take care of yourself? Easier said than done but this is why. A sanity break helps you be a better mother.

No, but I think you are about to burn out. You seem to be pushing yourself to be the perfect mom. However, no one can be perfect. You need to find an outlet during the day while the kids are in school. Take some "me" time. Maybe meet with friends or do volunteer work for few hours each week.

ITA with Lara. But heres my spin....

My XH has custody of my kids. My son is NOT even his. But when we decided we would split, I got a cheap attorney that practiced in everything and his mummy paid for his top galleria attorney. They screwed me every which way. He got the kids and I pay child support.
Anywho....my kids come to my house, prob havent showered in a day or so. They want to stay up ALL night, Im talking NO bedtime. They want to run around and act crazy. It takes me the whole weekend to get them back into the routine WE had them in when we were together. My kids didnt act up, went to bed at 9, took showers every night, acted responsibly. Since we have separated, he wants to be their buddy and not their daddy. So its sometimes a struggle when I get them.
But I totally get where you are coming from. But my 3 year mark is coming up and we (my husband and I) will be suing for custody. My kids deserve to be with their mother. The one who WANTS to be a parent.

Along with all the other mothers, it sounds like you are getting stressed and EVERY mother needs a break. Can you take a day off and just treat yourself to a day spa...mani, pedi, facial, massage, etc...You NEED to be renewed. In mind and spirit! Once you feel refreshed and renewed, Im sure you won't feel the same way.

But THAT mother needs to get more involved in her kids lives.

Blood is thicker than water, and that is why you don't have as deep of a connection with your step children like you do with your own. Plus there were days when I couldn't wait to send my own kids off to camp. Everyone needs a break.......don't beat yourself up for being like every one else. My mom went through the same thing. She had step children who pretty much did as they pleased. We (her children) were well disciplined and had alot of rules. However, now that everyone is grown, she is very close with my step brother and sister. My stepdad just passed away and they are there for her just like the rest of us. Their mother basically choose her boyfriend over them and their father. Now they don't even speak to their real mother and her boyfriend has left her for someone else. She is a very old and lonely woman in bad health. Just goes to show you....what goes around comes around. Hang in there and later you will reap the reward!

Hi D. -

I can tell you - my mom is you and my step-brothers are your step-kids. We are all grown up now. I can only tell you that my brothers thank God for my mom. She changed their lives - as their own mother was extremely unstable, immature and completely self-centered. Hold onto this story - my mom hung in there and it could not have been easy for her. But she made a huge difference in their lives and they are so thankful for her - they have so much respect for her, as adults now. Your kids - all of them are watching you and don't think for one min. they do not know what you are doing for them. I know it must be hard as you are in fact a single mom at times. However, these kids were put into your life for a reason. And you are showing them all what a woman/mother can be and do, with so much love for them.

One of my brothers was a total jerk - his mother catered to him and spoiled him. He was the sports star and got all the attention. My mom brought him back down to earth. My other brother had Dysclexia - I know I just spelled this wrong. Anyway, his mother told him he was stupid and would never amount to anything more than a janitor, garbage man, etc... My mom worked with him on his reading every night for God knows how long and he ended up in regular schools getting decent grades. He has the biggest heart of anyone I know.

Think of these kids as being sent to you because you CAN handle it and you are handling it. Believe me, they will have so much respect for you and love for you later, if they don't already. I am positive they do. We never know what life will give us but it never is anything we cannot handle and you sound to me like someone that can handle just about anything. Keep your loving strength up and know that in the long run, you are doing for them what their own mother cannot do. What a gift you are giving them. I know it is hard - but know there is a greater purpose here - for them and also for you - you are learning a great lesson - how to love children that are not your blood. Only the strongest can do it well. It will pull out of you, much more than you think. So they are a gift to you as well!

Alli

D.,

What an interesting gal you are, thanks for the insight in the bio.

First of all, you are not wrong to want a break, you are the mother of four kids! Second of all, stop and think where those kids would be without you. You are really doing God's work, by loving, protecting and teaching those kids. That said, you need a break girlfriend.

You didn't say how old any of your kids were and that makes a difference. You need either a vacation or a hobby! If hubby is military, he probably spends more time gone than home. Mine flies and works 12 hour days easy. If you can't take a vacation alone, have some minivacations. We have date night EVERY WEEK. We get a sitter and go out WITHOUT THE KIDS. Doesn't have to be fancy or expensive, it just has to be every week and kidless.

You sound like a very independent and strong woman who enjoyed life pre-marriage/pre-kids. I am the same and although I love my three kids with a vengance, I also get burnt out and need some "me" time. I do Bunko once a month with the girls and every so often I am in a community theater play. We rehearse three times a week from 7-9 or 10. It gives me that little break and gives Daddy and kids some "bonding time." Look into taking a class or joining a team (art, cooking, cake decorating, bowling, soccer, basketweaving, whatever) at your local community center or sports facility. You will be happier to see all of the kids after having a break. In the meantime, shower all of the kids with love, and the two will have something to look forward too when they come back...also not bad idea to give a momento to each child so they can think of you when they are at Moms so they know how much you do love them! Good luck and God Bless you and your family!

Your feelings sound very normal. Look forward to the break and don't feel bad. You deserve it.

Hi, I am also a full time mother to my sister-in-law who is 15. Both her parents are in Mexico, this was only going to be for a few months and now it's almost a year. I can not get her to help around the house. When she gets home from school she is on the computer and the phone at the same time and if she is not she is asleep. I have talked to my husbend about this and if I bring it up it is a sure fight, to him she can't do anything and now to top it off he brings his nise every Friday. I also have 2 boys one is 6 yrs old and the other one is 14 months. It is hard and most of the time I want a break. I really dont know what to tell you but just hang in there. GOOD LUCK!

No it is not wrong to want a break. I took on a stepchild when I married and had a son of my own from my first, then we had two children during our marriage. I actually couldn't wait for summer to send my oldest out to his father so I could have a break and he is my actual son lol. He is ADD and a handful. I love him with all my heart but the breaks helped me love him even more. Now I am divorced and my two youngest ones spend every other weekend with their Dad. After working full time, getting them to baseball practices, games, going to night school and more I totally and completely look forward to their Dad taking his turn. Just continue to raise all of your children the same. Your step children are your children as well now and they need you, but don't feel bad about wanting that break its completely normal.

D., if it's worth anything, I think your "About Me" section is funny. It reminds me of the way my best friend would describe herself. :)

Hi D.,
I think your stepchildren are blessed to have you as their "mom". I cannot for the life of me understand women like your husband's ex. They are so lucky to have you in their life. Anyway hang in there because remember we reap what we sow, and you will have four wonderful adults instead of two. They will all appreciate all your hard work. I think it's very hard for us to have it all: work, family, house, and time for us. So don't worry about wanting some time for yourself. Enjoy your summer break!

Of course it's normal to want a break. Unfortunately their mother is not a very good one. If she hasn't taken an active roll in their lives by now, chances are she's not going to. Those children are blessed to have a stepmom in their lives that loves them the way that you do. I am raising two teenagers on my own. Their dad lives in WA state so I don't get the every other weekend break like most single mothers do. I can not wait to put them on a plane this summer. That doesn't mean I won't miss them like crazy. I just need a break. You can't change their mom. I don't see how any mother could be without their children, but truth is, there are many women out there that care more about themselves than their children. Try not to build up resentments because that will steal your peace. Just enjoy the time you will have while they're gone and I'll bet that you're going to miss them tremendously and can't wait for them to come home.

I have to say I LOVE your 'about me' litany. It is perfect. Some of those describe me exactly (not the look great in pink and have great boobs part) and no way I could have ever put that into words.

I am a stepmom to 3 kids and I also have those days when I am looking for the break. I don't think you are wrong or bad. If you look at it objectively, you've taken on the biggest job of all: raising children. And you did this for the love of your husband (and his convenience too; my husband is in the military and sometimes I feel like the single mom to my step kids). Not to mention that it is quite convenient for her and they are the two who are truly responsible for those two little lives.

Wanting the break does not mean you do not love them. You're doing a great thing by raising them. I'm sure you will be anxious to see them again when they're on their way back. :)

Naw D., your feelings are just natural!
Hey, here's a thought! Send your two natural children with
the two step children to their mom for the 6 weeks! Let her
enjoy taking care of 4 for a whole 6 weeks, you and your
husband enjoy a "New" holiday. Tell her that you are having
to leave the country and there is no one better to take care
of all the kids than her and you really appreciate her doing
it for you. The down side of this is the retraining you'll have to go thru to get them back to normal>>>but, it will
be worth it!
Have Fun>>>Enjoy Life!!

I don't see anything wrong with your feelings, they are your true feelings. It would be worse if you didn't recognize your growing resentment. Especially, with all that you do, I was tired just reading about it...and I think I am an involved Mom.:)You sound like you are frustrated with the situation not the children. Remember you chose this for yourself. They didn't. You hang in there and just focus on the fact that you are giving your children an awesome example to live by. keep us posted.