Is It the Separation? Please Help!

it actually sounds like either teething (two year molars and eye teeth both erupt at that time) or night terrors or over tiredness.

Lots of kids that age go back to needing two naps, or one REALLY long nap and 12 hours of sleep at night. She should be getting 15 hours of sleep in a day still. By the time she is 3 it will drop down to 14 hours of sleep needed. I have seen total transformations in behavior when an over tired child finally gets the sleep they need and I truely believe (after knowing and caring for LOTS of kids in my life) that sleep is the key to so many aspects of a child - health, intelligence, behavior, social skills.

What I would do is give her some motrin (well, generic cause of the recall) before naps and bed to makes sure teething pain is not bothering her. I would make her bedtime earlier (7 pm is a perfect bedtime for kids) and make sure she is getting a long nap of at least 2 hours every day.

Although it may be somewhat emotional I seriously doubt it. Kids that age adapt really quickly to new social arrangements as long as the rest of their life is constant and they get the sleep they need. And the reality is, that part of her life is what it is, it can not and will not change. You are going to have to make due with the new reality for her. She will survive and you will to, because you have to.

I promise and would bet money that if you increase her sleep she will be back to normal and it will have NOTHING to do with Daddy being in or out of the picture.

She can absolutely feel the tension, she can tell by facial expressions and tone that you two are not getting along. Try to be as nice to each other as possible, not just civil but nice. I know that this may sound difficult but remember how much you love your daughter and that although you may not love this person or even like them he is still your daughters dad. My parents divorced when I was young and they were always very nice to each other infront of me, even when there were nasty legal battles happening. Please never bad mouth your ex in front of her, remember that she is half him, if you insult him you are insulting half of who she is. Just like if you hurt someones child you hurt their parent feels it even more. Well the same is true for children, no one wants there mom or dad to be hurt. Think back to the playground if someone said something about your mom or dad and how you felt. Well now imagine trying to sort out those feelings if the person was your mom or dad talking about the other one.
Give her lots of love and be as nice to your ex as possible, even if he is a jerk, it is the best thing that you can do for your daughters long term emotional well being!

18 -21 months is not at all too young for her to feel your tension and to know that something is wrong. Do whatever you can to keep the tension down and to reassure her that you aren't leaving. Keep routines in place as much as possible.

I started a relationship with (and later married) a man with an 18 month-old daughter. She made my life hell for the first year. She was very protective of her father and would cry and scream if I got close to him, she would kick at me to push me away, she would cry nonstop if he left the house and left her with me. (She is now 25 and we have a great relationship!).

This will get better, but it may challenge your patience in the meantime. Remember that she is a little one and she needs you now.

Your daughter is close being almost 2 years old. Of course she is going to notice that all of a sudden that Daddy is not around. She was aware that she has a daddy and at that age it can be even more tramatic, because a) she cannot communicate how she is feeling so of course the mood swings are going to start, and b) she is probably more confused because she knows that Daddy is missing. I hope that your husband is visiting her at least and remind her that Daddy still loves her. Plus, tell her that mommy isn't going any where. She probably thinks if Daddy 's gone what happens if mommy goes too. This is pretty frightening for a child.

i think it's absolutely because of her dad not being there. (not all of it - like someone else said, this is going to happen at this age regardless - maybe just not this extreme normally!) hang in there and be patient with her. remember this isn't her fault. good luck!

It's called the terrible 2's for a reason. What most moms don't know is that they start around 19 months old and last until they are about 3 & a half. My lovely mellow baby turned into a nightmare at 19 months. Just make sure you set reasonable rules & stick with them. Don't give in to temper tantrums & make sure her father sticks to these rules also. If you don't, the terrible 2's last forever.

Right around age 2 is a major sleep regression and some children start having nightmares, dreams or even night terrors, where they "wake up" (not fully) screaming and thrashing around. Her life could be all roses and this still could happen- don't blame yourself. I have gone through it with both of my girls- the first so bad that I thought she was having seizures and took her to the ER where they laughed at me! Any dr would tell you this is the case. I recently revisited this same issue with my younger daughter at the same age with an actual sleep dr and she reassured me that some children go through it worse than others, but no need for concern.

I bet the day time fits are because she is sleepy if they seem like for no reason. I would cut all sugar and anything artificial (colors) from her diet and see if the leveling of blood sugar helps her improve. Some kids are much worse when they are thirsty, have a wet diaper, and some are very sensitive to the materials clothes are made of, smells, and even changes in lighting (from indoors to out.) Take a second before you react next time to try to figure out what could be upsetting her- she's likely NOT angry like it seems, but in distress. I know it's frustrating!! Also make sure you are giving her lots of warning before doing things now- tell her, we will be leaving soon, so we will put on your shoes; we will be leaving so we will put on your coat; after we eat, we have to brush teeth, etc. Toddlers like to know what is going to happen to them versus when they are babies and we just swoop in and pick them up, wipe their nose, etc etc. now it's time to start letting them know what will happen so life is not so scary and unpredictable.

I would try to keep discussions away from her as much as possible about the separation. Don't talk about it in front of her, don't yell with him in front of her, and ask others to do the same, so that she gets peace around her. She's starting to process things little by little, so make her life as stress-free as possible in that regard and I'm sure you will be fine.

Hugs to you as you move on with life as a single mom.
M.

PS- A supplement called Melatonin helps my daughters sleep better, and it is safe for babies. Ask you pediatrician how much you can give. Getting better sleep will help you both face the day with less tantrums :)

I'll add to those who are chiming in that it's toddler hood. I like the needing-sleep idea too. There is likely tension, but, hey life brings that on.
My 2-year old (24 months) is doing a lot of the same thing, and was also an angel until about 20 months.
Hang in there, and just try to survive the changes as best you can.

Though kids are really a lot smarter and pay attention more than we give them credit for, I think if she's waking up at night it's probably something like teeth or nightmares/night terrors. My daughter had night terror when she was little - they are very distinct. She acted like she was still asleep, couldn't/wouldn't be comforted and just screamed and screamed. She never remembered anything in the morning though. If it was a nightmare, she would either say she had a bad dream, or I would ask and she'd say yes and calm down. If it's teeth- they can be miserable! My son is almost 3 and he's a great sleeper, doesn't cry much, etc. But for the last month he's been waking up almost every night. When he first started we thought it was an ear infection but the doctor looked and said she though he was teething again. Well 1 month later they still aren't quite through the gums, but you can see them. Doesn't help anyone sleep though. We've been using generic Motrin before bed on the bad days.
On the chance that it may be the dad issue, you could also talk to your doctor about that. They may have some good resources for you. Or check with the library for some age appropiate books. Honestly it couldn't hurt to talk about things with her - don't act like nothing is happening. It's a big change. Everything is a big change at that age! Good Luck K

I think that for the most part, this just good-old-fashioned terrible two's; for my son it started at more like 18 months, and went on until he was past 3. I know it's not the best timing, but she will grow out of it - just asserting her independence, figuring out what she can do, and wanting to do what she wants to do, you know? I would think it has very little to do with the separation, unless she is getting a vibe from either or both of you. she probably notices her dad isn't there as much, and that may affect her; it depends on how much he was around and involved with her before (I'd guess possibly not too much?) And I am of the school of thought where if you know it's irretrievable, that there's no going back, that things aren't going to change (and if you know, you just know), that yes, you should get out. Best of luck to you!

My daughter's father asked for a divorce when she was 17 months old. We all lived in the same house until she was 27 months. She does know what is going on. It does hurt her and she is confused. I wish there was something else I could say but I can't. Yes, terrible two's hit around this time as does teething and sleep changes and all that fun stuff but basically she is going through this and more. It is a lot. It sucks...wow...don't you feel better?

People gave great ideas. DO NOT talk negatively in front of her and trust me...when you think she isn't listening..she is. I heard my daughter say something one day that she could have only heard from Daddy. Do I think he said it to her....no...but I think he was talking to someone in front of her and she over heard it. It is the hardest thing in the world but work now to figure out a positive and healthy relationship with her father. I am not saying get back together with him....I am saying figure out what this new relationship is and how to make it work.

I read my daughter books on Divorce. THere is a good one that I found at barnes and noble. I think it is called Mama and Papa Bear's Divorce. It was perfect for my daughter and didn't get into to much detail but explained things. Let her know that you love her, her daddy loves her and that you love her daddy for GIVING HER to you. The last part is the hardest but most important.

Are you talking with a counselor? This helped me tremendously. I was also able to ask the counselor on how to handle my daughter.

My daughter is now 3 1/2. We have lived on our own for about 18 months. She has moved out of the house she was born in, into an apartment and again into a condo I bought. SHe has gone through more change than any little one should but she is still amazing, smart and well adjusted. SHe is still a pain and I still answer questions about her father, I still have to deal with temper tantrums and "daddy lets me do it." but she is OK.

Your daughter will be OK as well. It takes time, patience and love. You can do this and you will both be fine. Good luck and let me know if you need to chat.

My daughter is 18 months old and a few months ago my husband went back to work after being off and staying home with her almost her whole life (I work from home, so I was also always around a lot). She kind of freaked out, which I was really surprised at because she was so young and has always been much more attached to me than to him... she would cry when he'd leave in the morning (especially if he was running late for the train and didn't say goodbye to her), wouldn't sleep as well at night, and he was working nights so he wasn't there when she'd go to sleep... then on the two nights a week when he was off and home she wouldn't want to go to sleep at all. Anyway, just sharing because I do think the kids are affected even at this young age in ways that we don't completely understand.

Whether she understands it or not she can pick up on your anxiety.

It "could", of course, be due to all the tension of the separation. Even young kids can pick up on that, and notice that things have changed and are not like they were. Kids are very perceptive-more than some people give them credit for. BUT, that being said, it also sounds a lot like she is a toddler! Some kids start the "terrible two's" a little early, so it's hard to say. You might want to check with a child psychologist and have her evaluated so that if she is reacting to the separation, you can get her the help that she needs.

Good luck to both of you,
T.

Yes, it is probably from the separation. Young children are not really good with words and express themselves in different ways. Give her lots of structure. Kids thrive on structure. I know it is hard to do sometimes. Since she is having most of her problems at night maybe you can give her a "special" bedtime routine. Read a special book that she chooses right before bed. Maybe you should try to play a few of her favorite games with her and just reassure her that mommy and daddy live in different houses but still love her very much!! It may take a while for you but I can also remember when my husband and I would argue and our 2 year old would push us apart and yell, "Stop!" Life is full of trials and YOU can teach her to succeed. I truly believe that trials make us stronger!! Kids can have issues that linger from divorce/separation but most of them are given to them by the parents. If you are strong and happy then she will follow along after your example.

Sorry to hear you are going through a rough patch. Children do sense the dynamics between parents from a young age, and if her father and you were living in the same house, and she used to see him a lot, and now it's changed (I don't know how often she sees her dad now), it could make a difference in how she feels. Children crave regular rhythms in their home life, and when that is upset, they act out. She probably doesn't have the vocabulary to express how she feels when she acts out, and why she acts this way. But a big change in family structure, like a separation, can cause distress to a child, and they will act out in their own ways.

Btw, a child in my school keeps talking about how her father is going to pick her up at school that day, but in reality, the last time she saw him, she was a little baby (she is now 4.5 years old). She has not seen him since she was a year old, but she remembers him, and not because the mom talks about him. Some children have strong memories from a young age and the impressions they get will certainly affect them.

I would just try to keep things as regular as possible (consistent bedtime, lots of cuddles and love, and firm but fair discipline. The "terrible twos" are just around the corner as well, so you can expect a fair amount of this kind of behavior whether or not you have a separation/divorce in the picture. Be kind, be patient, and know that it will get better!!

Best,

Nessa

Hi,

Children this young can and do react to changes in their lives. If she is having night terrors (as previously described, screaming/crying out but won't awaken), there isn't much you can do but wait them out. My daughter at age one had them. They decreased in intensity over time but took a couple of years to completely disappear. Waiking her up actually made it worse. I would just make sure that she was safe and let her be. It was very hard but she and I eventually got through them.

The tantrums could be from either stress or her just testing limits. Be consistant with her. They too, will eventually pass though it may take a few years. (After the terrible twos came the terrible threes and the better, though still challenging fours and fives with my youngest.)

Good luck.

Sue