Is My Boyfriend Ready to Become a Stepdad?

I am particularly sensitive on this subject, having a niece go through this when she was 5. This is a conversation you two need to have before the relationship goes further. If he doesn't know anything about what that role entails there are some really good books available on the subject. But the bottome line is he should really understand that he isn't just marrying you, he is getting the whole package. There shouldn't be any difference in how he treats your daughter and how he treats any children you have together in the future -- with the exception of disciplining which he should defer to you. How do they get along,have you paid attention to how he treats her? If her birth father is barely in her life, keep in mind that whoever you bring in will be the last one who has any influence on how she sees men. The chld always comes first. So you need to know if he has the capacity to love and even be responsible for her as if she was his own. Here is the reality about second marriages: the top two reasons they fail is 1) because you marry someone just like the person you divorced 2)because of the problems resulting from one or the others relationship with other spouse's child or children. Don't ignore the realities in hopes that it will get better. It may be a matter of education, I hope so. But some are just not capable of loving children who aren't theirs.

I'm sorry..I agree with your boyfriend. It is the childs father's responsiblity to support her. I don't think your boyfriend is saying he doesn't love your child or want to help in her support. I think all he is saying is that the father should be helping. Times are hard right now...wouldn't the extra money help out? If he didn't love your daughter I don't think he would want to marry you. He justs wants the ex to help out...and I agree with him. Just talk to him. If you are going to be married then you MUST be able to talk openly about ALL your feelings. If you can do that then you will have a good marriage.

Good luck to you. And give the BF some slack. I don't think he meant anything hurtful by his comment. I am sure he loves you AND your daughter very much!

A.... I don't think so. If he has issues with your ex and the financial details now, they will only escalate in the future. To marry someone, you have to have a total commitment to each other, in all aspects. Sounds like your Stepdad was a good man. Don't you want a supportive, loving stepfather for your daughter. Sounds like your boyfriend will have a chip on his shoulder. At least he is telling you this now. Your ex probably will never change. Situation may get worse.. you never know. Will your boyfriend be able to handle that? Focus on your daughter now and what is best for her.

He is right you owe it to your daughter to take Dad back to court and force him to pay support. It amazes me the mother's I know who do not. While I do agree with you if you marry the boyfriend should accept and treat her as his own but dad needs to also accept his responsablities. Legally he is the father. Now if the boyfirend would be interested in adopting her and Dad if he doesn't want to step up maybe he should release his rights. That would be best for her. Since he maybe the only dad figure she knows. My daughter in law's birth dad is a name on a paper. He has never seen her. She was born in 74. She couls care less and her mother forced support but it wasn't much. $10 a week. He was a student. Does his family accept her? My daughter in law's step father's family does not accept her. No Christmas presents no cards of any kind. It hurts her now because they have 2 children. He doesn't even accept them as Greatgrand KIds. They know it and it hurts me because like the youngest said,"what did we do to him". Kids are smart if when you two have children he treats them different she will know and feel bad for it. I know being a single parent is hard. Think long and hard about all of it.

Providing monetary support vs including your child in activities as his own kid are two different things. And he is absolutely right, that just because you two are together does not mean that the biological dad does not need to give support. You do need to go to court and get child support from your ex's paycheck.

Men have this kind of "pre-notion" that women are out to get their money. I can't blame your boyfriend for making sure that you are not just after his money. It takes a lot of money to raise a child and gets more expensive as they get older. Your boyfriend loves you, he loves your child, but money is a separate issue.

Think of it this way: If your boyfriend had 2 kids, in his custody and the mother was working but not giving any support, would you give them all you give your own child without even trying to get support from the mom? You might say yes, but if you found out the mom has a huge house, a great car and was going on a cruise, but not offering anything for her own kids, would you still feel that way? Or, let's say you and he get married have a child or two and then end up divorced and he does not pay support either. Now you are raising two kids and no outside help. This is not fair to your children or you.

Aside from the money, your daughter needs her own dad in her life also and if you go to court and get his child support, he may be more likely to make a point of seeing his child.

In one word? No. But it's not that he's not ready, I'm not sure your relationship or your children are ready. He's right, the support of your children falls on their father and you owe it to them to take him to court for a judgement of support, both past and future. While it would be great if your next husband has better insurance and can include your children, he is under absolutely no obligation to do so while their father is alive and able to provide support. If your new husband can add them at a cost to him, that cost should fall on you and your ex, not your new husband.
Please remember that you are looking for a new partner to share your life and maybe more children, you aren't looking for a new father and supporter of existing children, they have that already and if he's not supporting them, it's your duty to make sure he does. If he's in violation of a custody agreement, shame on him, but if you never have even bothered to take him to family court, it's partially your fault that you have no support from him. Don't put that on your next husband, it will create resentment because it's not his job to support someone else's children.

Dear A.,
I think maybe the problem is simple. You said he hasn't had many relationships. Depending on his age maybe he just feels like the father isn't being responsible. If he has went through life and not had any children maybe it is because he holds a high standard to fatherhood. He knows that by having a child it is a emotional and financial responsibility and he has not had a child because he wants to make sure that he can provide these things. Maybe he feels like your ex isn't living up to the standards in which fatherhood demands. He has made good decisions and feels that he should not have to "pay" for your exes decision to have a child. This does not mean that he will not be a good father to your daughter. It just means that he is in a weird phase. My husband and I married a year ago. I was never married to my sons father. He does see his son and pays child support. Not as much as he should. I could take him back to court but muy husband feels happy that he at least he makes the attemps he does. Don't get me wrong. Sometimes my husband and I think life would be easier without my son's dad in the picture. However, he is happy that he gets to raise him and take care of him every other day he is not with his bio dad. My husband is just happy that his dad takes resposibilty. Even though he would have no trouble paying for his needs. He knew that I was not capable of paying all my rent and would need help with other bills. The child support isn't enough for all of that. It's kinda like having a roommate. He does not mind paying for things my son needs. He just likes knowing that my son's dad takes the responsiblity. Even if it only is a small amout of money. Does this boyfriend help with your bills?(If you are living together) If he does that means he has no trouble helping to care for your daughter. If he expects that you should be able to meet all the finances without his help even though you 2 may live together at some point then, No he is not ready. When it comes to finances and living together it should be a two way street no matter if a child is involved.If a child was not involved wouldn't you expect to split the cost of things like rent and so forth? My Husband was 33 when we married and has never been married and has no children. This is what he explained to me when we were dating. Hope this helps.
A.

Personally, I do think that you should get child support for your daughter, becauuse your daugther deserves it. But that is not my decision, nor is it your boyfriend's. I would be leary of marrying him if he continues to hold those views. Your daugther comes with you as a package, and YOU work and support her.

I haven't read all the other responses so I may be repeating what's been said, but I am giving this advice from being a child of divorced parents (step-parents involved) as well as marrying a man who had a child as well. This is something you have to discuss before any marriage takes place. You've got to know where he stands on supporting your child. Even if you take the dad back to court and get support there is always going to be things above and beyond what support will cover and you'll have to decide how those things will be handled 50/50 or what. Such as doctor appts., clothes, school stuff, etc. Even if you do take him back to court it doesn't sound like he's going to always stand up to his end and what you've got to know is......is this man going to say okay this is how things are and is he going to pick up the pieces without any fight that your ex doesn't. It has to be decided before hand is this going to be a case of,"this is your child, not mine so you are responsible, not me." Or is he going to take this child on as if it is his own. I consider my step-son my own (even though he lives with mom and she is totally there), but it doesn't matter what it is we do for him just as we do for our twins, there is no seperation between them. Goodluck

The very first thing I would do is talk to your boyfriend. Find out what he meant by that comment. Sometimes things come out wrong, or are misunderstood. If he's truly a great guy, then maybe he didn't mean it the way it sounds. If he did and he's not willing to help support your or your daughter, then he's not that great of a guy. When you become a step parent, you assume some roles. It is true that your ex should be paying child support. Perhaps you should contact a lawyer and see if there is anything that can be done to make him pay. I know that my brother has the money taken right out of his paycheck every week. Your boyfriend needs to understand that even if your ex pays support, as the custodial parent, you are responsible for you daughter. If he's not ready for that, then it's better to find out now.

This issue is TWO FOLD. He's RIGHT and he does have a point. When you are a parent, you are to be RESPONSIBLE financially for that child. If the father is NOT paying, I would absolutely go after him. There are WWWAAAAYYYY too many dads who are just riding along because the ex's don't think they'll get anywhere. The laws and things are changing, so you need to make an effort. On top of that....you NEED to do it for your daughter's sake.

This comment doesn't necessarily mean he's not ready. He just RECOGONIZES that the father is responsible. If he plans to marry you, he obviously knows that financial issues will play a part. HOWEVER, you should NOT, nor should the ex- EXPECT him to take full responsibility. That's part of society's problem anyway......everyone just passes off other people's responsiblities instead of taking care of what they should be in the first place.

You DO need to talk IN DETAIL about this......what if.....partial payments, no payments, etc. Have a Plan A and a Plan B. If you REALLY want to make this relationship work, you NEED to honor his wishes and at LEAST make the effort, for the sake of EVERYONE involved! If you don't, it may/could force the relationship to fold.

You already got some great advise on the child support and I agree w/everyone else, your ex needs to pay the child support that he is supposed to.
I grew up in a step family and I am a stepmom myself. And here is the best advise that I can give you: Find a counselor that will counsel you and your boyfriend about step-parenting BEFORE you make a decision on getting engaged and married (and include your daughter too). Forming a stepfamily is a huge decision and all three of you need to know what you are getting yourself into. Statistics show that 70% of second marriages fail. And I think a big part is b/c the partners don't feel that they need any type of pre-marital counseling. Anyway, you owe it to yourself, your daughter and your boyfriend to be as best prepared as you can.

While I do believe whomever you end up marrying accepts and loves and emotionally supports your daughter it is still you and your ex husbands responsibility to financially support your child until she turns 18. Just because your boyfriend is in your life now does not give you or your ex husband a free pass to not maintaining financial responsibility of your child you both created even if you end up remarrying. I agree with your boyfriend on this 100 percent and believe it is not fair to use someone to get you out of your own financial bind. It sounds like you need to take your ex husband back to court.

A.,

First of all, child support is not an option here. Your ex should be contributing towards his daughter's care. The resentment that your boyfriend is voicing now will only grow louder as the years pass, and your daughter will be very much aware of it, no matter how you try to hide it.

If your new boyfriend doesn't love your daughter enough to want to help you take care of her, that doesn't bode well for their future relationship. Kids should never be made to feel that they are just "part of the package." Since she sees so little of her father, it is crucial that the other primary man in her life is loving and caring towards her. We learn how to expect men to treat us by the way our fathers treat us - don't let her grow up feeling that it is okay for her to be resented as an obligation.

It sounds as though you had a great step dad - learn from his example.

I wish you well.

ok, i'm going to go out on a limb here...it IS the responsiblilty of your ex to be providing support, but there is alot of times that it does not work out that way. in my case after numerous times of going to court and him no showing up, he got arrested and does currently have a job, but now its harder since he has a felony on his record...which makes child support slim to none sometimes and health insurance is non existant also. so even though i took him to court, yes he is trying harder, but it has taken 4 years to get there. so in my case, yes my fiancee DOES provide a home and school clothes, etc for my daughters because he WANTS to. he does not provide insurance, he couldn't even if we got married, his job will not cover my daughters. the point is, you have to sit down and really talk about your expectations and how much of a family you want to be. your fiancee has to accept the whole package, not just you.

Doesn't sound like he accepts the enormity of what he's getting into by marrying him. I recently married my second husband and I have a 5 yr old daughter. While we were dating and throughout the marraige I have made it clear that she and I are a package deal. I expect for him to treat her as if she is his own child, and should she be comfortable treating him like her father, that relationship is for life, regardless of what happens between he and I. I would expect him to maintain a relationship with her, because there is no such thing as a temporary parent; especially when someone is given the choice of whether or not they want to be a parent as he was given when choosing to marry me. Yes I expect her biological father to be involved in her life financially as well as emotionally, but I knew when I divorced him that I can't plan my child's future around someone I couldn't even maintain a relationship with. Beyond that, your new guy needs to understand that there is no predicting what will happen, and if your ex was hit by a bus and had no insurance would he be okay with buying her school clothes then?
While he may be a wonderful man to you, the relationship is still pretty new and you have to consider that his attitude towards your daughter could negatively affect not only your relationship with him later on, but also the relationship that she has with you, because as she gets older she will question where your loyalties lie if he makes her feel unwelcome or like she's a burden. And what if you and him have other children. Are you confident that your daughter won't get the step child treatment from him and his family.
Men who choose to date single mother's need to understand that it is a privledge to be allowed to enjoy the benefits of parenthood with that single mother, and there are responsibilties that go along with that privledge. Men who want to wait and do the hard stuff after they have created a child with their DNA should only be getting involved with women who are in the smae stage of life as they are. Not only should you be telling him your feelings about the type of relationship you want him to have with your child, but you should insist that he get his head around it and decide whether he wants the same thing or not. If he says that he does, sit back and wait to see that he walks the walk before you commit yourself to a relationship that will end up making you miserable. I rushed into my current marraige and was almost ready to divorce him because he wasn't making an effort to bond with my child. Luckily (or maybe not, not sure yet) we ended up pregnant and he had a lightbulb moment when he realized that everything I wanted for my daughter was what he wanted for the child that's coming. So far so good, but I'm still adamant with him that I will not have my daughter treated like a second class citizen, and if he can't be a father to her then I'll raise both of them on my own since I got along fine before him.

A.,

Yes, red flag! Yes, bio father should pay child support, absolutely, but that is not the issue and your boyfriend should not be involved with that business.

I don't think he was trying to say that he doesn't want to include your daughter in things or that he even minds paying for items for her. I think he may have just been stating a fact that her biological father should be helping out more. From the sounds of it, you would agree. This reminded me of a situation I am having a work. We are all extremely busy right now. One of my coworkers spends more time talking about how much she has to do then actually doing it. Eventually she complains enough that some of her work is reassigned to others including myself. I am more than willing to help others out and offer my assistance whenever I can to several individuals in my office when I can, but I have no sympathy for the coworker who doesn't hold her own. This may be how your boyfriend feels. He doesn't mind helping out, but doesn't want to feel taken advantage of either.

I would say that he is not ready. I too was raised by a stepfather who made no distinctions between kids. I am also involved with a wonderful man who is very involved in my childrens lives and our day to day routine. He helps with homework and chores and he also does saturday activities with them. I adopted my children as a single parent, they are special needs children and require many doctor and therapy visits. My boyfriend attends these sessions regularly and has never asked if I get financial support for them. He has asked however if I need anything for them to plese let him know. He says that since I have all of the financials in order he would take care of all repairs and has fixed the water heater the furnace the car and the sink without my having to say a word. I think when a man is ready to be astepfather you will know because he understands that you and your children are inseperable if he chooses to care for you then caring for your child should not be an issue.If he is worried about the money now he always will be and may not be willing to step up to the plate if it becomes necessary. Good Luck

you never said if the bio father pays anything at all.is he paying for that child??if not why not??your bf has a valid point.is the bio father court ordered 2 pay anything??why not??no matter what your reason that childs father should be paying for that child.yes your bf is going to pay something for the child also.child support is never enough.he wont get out of it totally.also some sort of parenting classes are in order no one sees eye to eye on child rearing.

Sorry, I think you over reacted. I think your ex-husband should be paying his child support or face the music. Your current boyfriend isn't suggesting your children not be included in family activities. He is simply stating the man has a finiancial obligation to his children and the courts have given him direction to assist in his continuing to support them. If he isn't paying anyway he should just have to sit in a cell or the money should be deducted from his pay and sent to you before he gets his. Most parents have to cover roof over head, clothes for back, utilities, and food for their families before they get money for themselves and your ex should continue to experience these for his children with you before providing for his current life.

You need to let him know that you come with a package. That if he loves you the way he says he does he should have no problem taking care of your daughter. Ture, the father should be paying but if this man is trying to be in your life then it shouldn't matter at all if he is having to dish out more money to help with your child. Now what if you didn't know where her dad was then what would he be willing to help with her? You guys need to really talk about that.

You MUST have this conversation with him. I married when my daughter was eleven. She had no contact with her biological father. This eventually caused much resentment from my husband, because he was paying support for his biological children. You can make this work, but you need to discuss this issue before you marry. Then you can both express your opinions, work out a compromise and begin your marriage with a healthy relationship between the three of you. Remember it is YOUR choice whether or not you pursue child support or other care for your child. NOT your boyfriend's.

Ok. This is an extremely loaded issue so let me start by saying this. You come as a package with your daughter...or at least you should. I was a single mom for a very long time and have never received any support from my son's biological father. I really wanted to get married in the future and (as I am sure most single moms have felt) didn't know that Mr. Right would ever come along. Then one day my father (who is also a step dad) told me something that revolutionized my way of thinking. He told me that when he met my mother he absolutely loved her BUT it was the day he met my older brother that really sealed the deal for him. He said my brother was the perfection reflection of everything that made him love my mom and from then on he was hooked...ON BOTH OF THEM!!! The issue of money didn't matter and it shouldn't matter. When you really love someone, it doesn't matter if someone else should be taking care of them because you WANT to take care of them! Don't get me wrong, I am not saying this guy doesn't love you or your daughter. That is not for me to judge. I do think that you need to have him clarify his feelings and intentions of being a stepdad. In an ideal world your daughter's biological dad would take care of her but he isn't. and if you ask me...whether he is or not shouldn't have any bearing on whether your bf should. If you get married than of course he should AND HE SHOULD WANT TO! Is it still going to bug him that her bio won't? YES!!! It always bugs us when injustices are done but that shouldn't affect his relationship with her. He should just love her and take care of her like he would you! And it can happen....when my son was almost 5 I got married to a wonderful man who absolutely adores my son. We since have had a baby together and he treats them no diferently. I think if he did there would not only be resentment between my hubby and I but also between my son and him AND my son and me! You don't want that. So, just be honest and say what you need and what your daughter needs. If you really love each other than you will be able to work it out. Good luck and God bless!

Tell him that you are a packaged deal and even if you did spend the money to take your ex back to court it doesn't mean that you would start getting any money. So, that is the way it is and take it or leave it.

A., I have to completely agree with you...is he getting a family and taking all the responsibilities that comes with that? or is this a business transaction? It would be great if you get her dad to contribute financially but I think that if that doesn't happen, you need to move on. At the end, it is him who will miss all your daughter's love. Plus, it's better to plan your life without that income and if you get it, treat it like an extra bonus you got at work. How many times dads stop paying and then you find yourself like one of my friends that they are living above their means because they expect that paycheck every month and then when it doesn't come all their creditors start calling.

You've been dating six months.

Give it more time before you start thinking about 'stepdad'.

This has nothing to do with whether or not your boyfriend is ready to be a stepdad. It has to do with your ex doing right by his children. You were lucky that your stepday stepped forward and was such a great parent to you.

Your ex should be taking care of his daugther(by paying support). Your daughter is getting the short end of the stick here. You have the right to go to court and get any income tax refund he might get if he is behind and not paying support. If you have to, and he has a house or condo you need to put a lein on it. Its not fair that you have to sacrafice your relationship with your daughter because you ex is forcing you too.

My sister has a nine-year old girl. Her father shows up for visitation when he feels like it. He will call her and promise to see her and then he never shows. Emily, my neice has had to miss campouts and parties because it was dad's visitation and then after she has rearranged her life he woun't even call to tell her he can't make it. And the truly sad thing is that most of the time is because he did not want to miss a baseball or football game.

It's about time for your ex to realize he's an adult and to start taking responsibility. It not fair that you and your daugther are having to do without because he is not there for her. And if your doing ok he should be paying support and you could put the money aside fot her education.

Your Boyfriend my be willing to be a stepdad but as such you will always be the primary parent. And your ex will always be in the equation.

Hi A.. Please, please, please let this be a red flag. Don't jump into marriage for awhile. I say this from experience. I was a single mom to my daughter for 14 years until I met my now-husband. In the beginning, he was great with her, did things with her, for her, the works. I was madly in love with him and grew more in love with him by his relationship with her. We included her in our wedding ceremony and he made a vow to her as well. He had no children and once we were married, we had a daughter together. Looking back, it seems that things started changing little by little since the day we were married. He became jealous of my relationship with her, angry with every aspect of her being and complained about every penny spent on her and honestly, just didn't like her being around. If you think she didn't sense how he felt, think again. I have consulted an attorney and plan on filing divorce papers very, very soon. As of now, he makes no effort to even speak to her, he ignores her completely. If I would've had ANY idea he would treat my daughter this way, I would have NEVER married him (although i'm glad because otherwise would mean I wouldn't have my youngest daughter and I wouldn't trade her for the world). It just sounded to me that he is stating he doesn't want to have to be responsible for supporting your daughter because her bio-dad should. Yes, her bio-dad should; however, if he believes a support check is all the support a child needs, he's sadly mistaken. To me, the fact that he said what he said leads me to believe his intentions are not in the right place. He should WANT to take care of her as his own, not be forced to. Trust me, in time, his true colors will come out. Be very careful. Your daughter should be your first priority, and it sounds like she is because you are questioning these things. You HAVE to be sensitive to everything he does or says when it comes to your daughter. I wish you the best of luck. I just would hate to see anyone be in the same situation as I am now or that my oldest daughter has had to deal with. Good luck to you!