My daughter is an only child, 11 years old, going on 12 and is constantly needing affection lately. She literally requests hugs, kisses and cuddle time from her dad and I on average of every 30 minutes to an hour, from the time she wakes up, til right before she falls asleep (not exagerrating). I feel we are naturally an affectionate family (i/e-hug/kiss when you arrive/leave/go to bed). However, it is becoming more frequent, more excessive and I'm starting to become concerned and a bit overwhelmed. When I do deflect a hug from her or give her a quick side hug instead, she acts offended or sad. I've even tried to level set with her and tell her that we love her very, very much, but it is not necessary to hug people excessively to show affection, but again....she doesn't seem understand or want to understand. The leaders at her summer camp even made a side comment on her last day there stating my daughter seems to always touch people and be in their space bubbles. They leaders and my daughter laughed about it, but internally I was reading bw the lines.
Is this a new phase or do you think it's something more I should be concerned about? How do I get her to relax, and understand that she doesnt have to constantly hug people to affirm their love or her love.
There hasnt been any major changes in our lifestyle so I'm unsure the source of the change.
Any advise or feedback will be great.
Thank you all for your responses! Greatly appreciated.
After further consideration, my daughter is transitioning from elementary to jr high next week, and that could very well be the issue after all. We recently had the "growing up, more responsibility" talk and discussed her transition to jr high. She initially seemed ok and ready, but shortly after that, I can confirm that's when she started to become more needy.
My big girl just might be scared out of her poor little tween mind to grow up yall! The increased need for affection makes a lot more sense with that conclusion, but I'm taking her out on a Mommy and Me date today so I'll probe more and update everyone later.
Thanks again!
Sounds like touch could be her love language, so find ways that are ok to help keep her "bucket" full and this may resolve itself .....
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/children/
Mine go through phases like this.
I have one lately that's been following me around like a puppy dog. A bit nervous about new school change coming up. I just allow them to and if they are a bit more needy this month, fine, it will be another child needing a little extra attention next month I'm sure.
Sounds to me like just a phase and she's just looking for mom and dad's reassurance. Sometimes kids this age can't yet express their needs in words so look for hugs. I would just encourage her to open up to you.
Good luck :)
At 11 I think she should understand if someone says "I love you Honey but please, I need some space" and she should back off without having a pout fest.
She also needs to learn that unwanted repeated touching is eventually going to be considered to be harassment and it's going to land her in trouble.
Not everybody is a hugger - and not wanting to hug all the time does NOT necessarily mean they don't like you.
She needs to start seeing things from other points of view and respect when someone doesn't want to be touched.
If talking things out doesn't seem to help, then maybe she should be evaluated for a sensory issue.
My normally very mature daughter became very "huggy" and wanting to sit in my lap, etc when she was around 10 or so. It wasn't her normal state. It was beyond it. But it didn't last.
I think it was just a phase, and probably brought on by growing up and realizing that she was growing up. Maybe a subconscious grasp to retain some childhood before moving into middle school.
She lost a good friend suddenly to a car accident when they were in third grade. Even after that, she wasn't particularly huggy or needful of affection beyond what he had always shared routinely (like you mention, hellos, goodbyes, bedtime, etc). So when she started with it later on, it was a little out of the ordinary.
I gave her the hugs she asked for. Let her sit on my lap (or asked her to sit next to me if my leg went to sleep, lol). But also told her I needed some space when I needed it. Everyone's needs are not the same. So she learned that, too.
She's 14 now, and that phase is gone and replaced with the more standoffish one typical of teens trying to create a little distance and become more independent.
Unless you think there might be more going on, I would just assume it's a phase, that she's maybe a little anxious about growing up right now for some reason, and just give her what she needs as you are able.
She'll be fine.
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I do like the suggestion of getting her a cuddly pet, if you don't have one. As an only child she may really crave someone on her level (not a parental) to talk to (I talked to all my pets a TON when I was a kid/teen). Most kids benefit from having a pet anyway, even if they have siblings!
My son loves to love on our aging GSD. Daughter was super close with her when she was young (aged 3-8 years). Pets are wonderful listeners. :)
Sometimes I wonder what we'd do if we didn't have a dog bc we hug him so much. If she's an only child and doesn't have a pet, it could just be part of what's she's going through as she's growing up. It's such a confusing time and maybe he way or reacting is more physical reassurance. I think I'd give her what she needs at home but start talking about not touching other people a lot. Watch how she is with friends etc. Driving people away with that could become a real problem versus the stuff at home is annoying you but you're not going to drop her as a daughter the way kids can drop friends. And if you don't have a pet, maybe get one? A cat to snuggle with? I remember snuggling with our dog and my friend's cats all the time.
I think I would try to shift the conversation a bit and make it less about telling her that she shouldn't need so many hugs and more about what other people need.
You tried telling her that she shouldn't need so many hugs in order to show and feel love. Mabe try talking to her about what the people she loves need. Let her know that you really do love hugs and kisses, but talk to her about other things that you need in addition to hugs and kisses.
It's kind of like romantic relationships. Flowers are great, but sometimes woman want men to throw their clothes in the hamper or take out the trash or put the toilet seat down!
What are some others ways to so how much you love each other?
Oh wow, maybe I am supposed to say that isn't right, but heck I'd like hugs twenty four seven. Sorry
Tell her you notice she seems to be wanting more hugs and ask her if everything is okay. If she says it is, then just give her the hugs she needs. It's not that difficult, and doesn't take much time. They are young for such a brief time. Enjoy it.
You have all good post; considerate.
This may just be the way she is. Maybe she's just so full of life and love that she needs to express it. Maybe she needs to feel a sense of stability and this is her way of receiving it. She may feel a need to be accepted and liked and thinks this is a way of getting it.
I sense she is full of life and very bubbly and just feels a deep desire and need to show her love.
Unless there is more to this situation and a need to recognize something deeper, just let it be and go with it and know she loves you.
Our children are with us for such a short time.
I don't say this to be nasty, but it doesn't sound "normal" to me.
But I have a tween boy - I have to tackle him for a hug!
Is she anxious about something?
I would talk to her about how it's normal to want extra reassurance when things are new and changing but she must ALSO understand personal space. She needs to respect yours and others' and seek that reassurance in ways that don't then alienate people from her. If she didn't want to be tickled, but you always wanted to tickle her, that would bother her, right? Spend some extra QT but don't be afraid to say, "I love you and I know you're going through a lot but I also need you to understand that I still need ..." I've had that conversation with my 7 yr old. Eleven is a weird age, no matter if they change schools or not. It's an age where they start to look at the world differently and really start putting things together in their own mind. They are more aware of things. She may have fears she hasn't yet articulated and I hope that you can help her work through them.
Have you seen Inside Out? It might be a good movie for the two of you. Watch for it On Demand or as a rental if it's no longer showing in theaters.
Could it possibly be a change in hormones? I blame hormones for everything.
I think you are absolutely right. She is probably just anxious about starting jr. high. All I can say is enjoy the affection now, because in a couple of years she might not want anything to do with you! I can't remember the last time my 17 yr. old hugged me! :(
It almost sounds like an anxiety thing because it's new. Maybe see what she says if you are snuggling at night or in the car together for a drive.
Could it be she got some weird attention for it at camp and carried it too far.?
Maybe ask for a back rub or a foot rub if she needs that contact with u, lol change it up...or hug her first while she is in the middle of something.
oh yeah. i love to hug too (probably to excess) but get very twitchy if someone is a limpet.
definitely time to have a 'personal space' discussion with her. it's not a one-time thing- it's ongoing practice. the 'space bubble' is a very useful metaphor. work with her on it.
khairete
S.
