Is Race Still an Issue?

Good people come in all colors. They all deserve a chance.

And I agree with you that it's just a crush. Very few 6th graders marry their boyfriends. Lol. And since you think he's a good kid there shouldn't be any harm in it. Good luck!

I personally would not like it, I don't care for sort of thing, But I would impose my views on my child. Let her like whoever she wants to like.

I think it is mostly a generation thing. My parents would flip out too. My daughters first friend in kindergarten this year was of a different race. My parents were a little strange about it but I loved it. I loved that I can live in a place where so many people of so many different races can get along. I wouldn't worry about it. If something comes up and people are saying things to her you might need to explain to her why but I would just let her have her crush because like most crushes they don't last long.

Remember that your mother comes from another generation. I was not allowed to have black friends over from school when I was young. That put an idea in my head in 1st grade that someday I would pick my own friends and color didn't matter. That situation changed me for life.

When I went through your situation with my son, I didn't fight it. That makes it worse & they'll do just what they think you don't want. Don't make an issue of it. In the end, as an adult it is our choice. I am attracted to white men, dark hair & green or blue eyes. I can't change that.

Now, my granddaugters have a beautiful black step mother. My son has custody. My mother can get over it too. She came from the time when blacks had their own bathroom, water fountains & had to sit on the back of the bus. Thank God those days are over.

I adore my son's fiance and my granddaughters just love her so much. She's beautiful inside & out. What would I be missing if I were against it? Instead I've got the daughter I've wanted for 27 years. His ex's family loves her and his ex loves her. We are all blessed as this young lady has completed our family.

Times have changed but prejudice still exists. It's up to US to stop it.

My over 80y/o parents raised me the way they were raised. To stay within your own race. I taught Sunday school for many years and we sang "Jesus Loves the Little Children ALL the little children of the world: red ones, yellow ones, black ones, white. All are the Same in the good Lord's sight." My teens were beginning to date. I had to reexamine what I believed. I couldn't teach equality and behave differently. Our children were always taught to respect all others of any race. When they were teens, they brought kids of different races to our home. We learned about different nationalities and their foods and customs. We are the richer for it. We cannot enlighten the whole world at once, but we can influence one person's opinion at a time. The greatest change is in your own heart. Pray for wisdom and tolerance for those who don't know any better. Be the change you want to see. C.

Its your mom's generation and their mentality that drives her to tell you that. Yes, were your daughter to marry and have children, they would have some issues, but not nearly the ones they would have had 50 years ago. Love is love, and you can't put a color wheel in front of her and tell her what colors she is allowed to love/like and what colors are off limits. Maybe just tell your mom that you don't share her opinion and to please keep an open mind and not express her negative feelings around your daughter.

It would not be an issue for me at all. As far as being "naive" about the world having changed, I'm not sure. But how else is it supposed to change, if not for individual people having the conviction to make the right choices?

My advice is...first, 11-12 is tooooo young to be dating. I made my daughter wait until she had a driver's license so that if she were in an uncomfortable situation, she could drive herself out of it!!

The racist thing... I think if people who live in America want racism to go away, we need to just call ourselves "American" not African-American or Mexican-American.

I for one was born here, but my ancestors came from Europe. I don't walk around calling myself "Euro-American". I AM AMERICAN.
WE ALL ARE, NO MATTER WHAT COLOR WE ARE!!

Unfortunately with some ignorant, I don't mean stupid, people there are still issues that they can't seem to get past. I am a white woman married to a black man, and we love each other very much. Although many people see nothing wrong with this, there are just as many and maybe more who can't stand it. I am 46 and he is 40 and we have been together almost 4 years now. My dad, when we were first together had a few issues with it. Now my mom and my dad both, and both of our entire families love each of us. My grown daughters love him. I always taught my daughters to see the person for who they are not the color of their skin.
My best advice to you is to let your daughter go steady, like, text or date who makes her happy as long as he is good to her and she likes him. She is too young for ANYONE to start trying to to tell you who she should or should not like. If you concern yourself with the color of their skin not being the same as yours you are showing your daughter a bad example of trying to let her think she has to please everyone but herself...that is a real confidence killer. Let your daughter be with who makes her comfortable, happy, and makes her smile. Again as long as she is happy and not being treated badly. Embrace who she is not who everyone else wants her to be, it will make for a much happier girl and a better relationship between the two of you.
Bottom line, race is an issue only for those who allow it to be.
Good luck to you and your daughter,
C.

Race is only an issue if you want to make it one. The fact that your mom has an issue with it gives you a good opportunity to teach your daughter that even though you disagree with your mother's opinion you can still treat each other with respect. It is an excellent teaching moment...both by example and open discussion.

When I was in High School, my parents were against dating beyond the race boundries..Now this is comical to me since I am 50, the mom to eight children, six are adopted and not of the same race as me and my husband. My father who was the most adamant about the race issues just really loves his grandkids, how ironic. Sometimes we just need to be taught a lesson in compassion. It shouldn't matter who your daughter likes as long as he is nice to her. We live in a small mostly hispanic community and we are white, our children are either all hispanic or part hispanic and part white. It's funny because when I look into those brown eyes all I see are the children that are mine and how much I love them.
Support your daughter, she'll make the right choice for her and someday you'll have a bunch of wonderful grandkids,(one color or multicolor, it's the same)
Blessings,
D.

I know exactly what youre talking about, and yes race is still an issue. I am white and my husband is black, we started to date in highschool. My mom was against it for a long time, until she met him. EWverything about him was positive, and a perfect gentleman his only downfall was he is black. As long as someone can treat your daughter right, and with much respect you cant put color on that. Now we have 4 beautiful children and are happily married.
My outcome was very good. I totally changed my mom and basically my whole families opinion on certain issues.
Now my oldest is 10 and she thinks white skater boys are cute. I just think it is so funny, we cant change peoples feelings about who they are attracted to. Im pretty sure your mom deep down can understand that. This world really has changed the past years. We cant feel or belive how our parents were raised. Our eyes are alot more open and so is our hearts. Too many other things to worry about in this world and being another race should not be one.
Last thing I am trying to get out, When we get to Heaven God is not going to section us off according to race, or religion, we will all be praising him together.

I think you're right on target! Isn't it great that your daughter sees people for who they are and not the color of their skin? I have 3 sons, and see no problems if they date girls from different races when they get interested in girls.

What would you be teaching your child if you said ANYTHING to discourage this relationship. You would be teaching her bigotry and prejudice. We are all equal PERIOD. Sure there may be difference but shouldn't we be embracing differences. The president of Princeton University said, we learn nothing from other students who look just like us. It is merely a reflection in the mirror. As far as another response that says there will be cultural differences, she is in 6th grade for goodness sake. They are not getting married and discussing religion and how to raise their children. All children like to do is play, listen to music, talk and hang out. I would never prohibit dating this boy if he is a good boy. Teach your child through example that we are all equal and have equal value and you will leave behind an incredible legacy.

I think for some people, race will always be an issue. It is like Dr. Seuss's sneech story where some sneeches have stars on their bellies and some don't...there is always a natural instinct to dislike anything that is different from you. That said, I think it is healthy for you (and your Mother) not to make a big deal about it. My first "boyfriend" in sixth grade was Puerto Rican, Miguel Vallejo. My first major crush was a very dark skinned polynesian. I ended up marrying the blondest, whitest guy ever. There is no way to predict the future for your daughter, all you can do is instill a sense of acceptance for all people and let her make her own choices. At this age, though sexuality is a big deal and exploration can get out of hand. Make sure she is not sneaking off to meet this guy (sadly, I did that in 6th grade) and make sure any events are chaperoned. More importantly than teaching her about race is teaching her to respect herself and her body and keep it to herself. Good luck.

Well, you are both right. I have no problem with inter-racial relationships but A LOT of people do. So I think it would be a good idea to address this issues with your daughter. She's too young to be dating, but if she is interested in him in that way she needs to know the potential problems.

My sister went to school with a largely black population (we are mixed race but she is very fair with blond hair and blue eyes so no one would suspect.) She would go to places like Six Flags with her black friends and she said that KIDS as well as adults treated her badly and it seemed pretty obvious it was related to the race issue (only white girls with a bunch of black kids.)

I was engaged to a man who was half black and half Korean. The Koreans thought of him as less then them because he was mix. The black people had a problem with him being with me and the white people did too. White police officers would stop us EVEN WHEN WE WERE DRIVING and ask to see my ID and ask if I was ok!!! When we babysat his black nephews people treated us HORRIBLY since it appeared these boys belonged to us. When we tried to purchase wedding rings it was awful trying to get help or let them sell us something (this was at Gordon's in San Antonio.) Then when the rings never arrived after months of waiting, we had a hard time getting them to refund our money. They finally said there would be a restocking fee- what is there to restock- there were no rings!!

So anyway, racism is alive and strong but MANY PEOPLE don't consider themselves racist even though they are. I admit that I have a tendency towards not trusting white people. My Dad is white. Being a person of mixed race, there's a lot of conflict there as well. Most people don't realize I'm mixed so I don't get the prejudice against me as others do who are obviously mixed, but there's an internal conflict just as my ex struggled within himself between being Korean and being African American.

Remember that your daughter's friend's parents might have a problem with an inter-racial relationship as well. His mom certainly did- she had already arranged a marriage in Korea for him. Would I let my girls marry someone of another race? Absolutely! But not without discussing these issues with them.

I hope your daughter is happy, whoever she chooses in life!!

S., Danish, German,Native American,and Jamaican married to a white man and mom to four girls

To tell you the truth, they are only in the 6th grade I don't see why it should matter what race they are, at any age for that matter. I am not yet a mom, but trying. I do have 9 neices and nephews that i feel like a mother to and if they were to have a different race boyfriend or girlfriend it shouldn't be a big deal. I say whatever makes them happy as long as they are not getting in trouble. Times have changed and it is seen more different races coming together in relationships. My Granfather is old school and wouldn't have liked it if I dated a different race, but if that's what would have made me happy then that's his problem. Don't worry about your daughter liking a boy of another race. don't let your mom make you feel guilty for letting her talk to this boy and that's all she's doing is talking. I think your right about it being a short crush, I think I liked a different boy every month in 6th grade. It is 2008 not 1908. The times have changed.

Hi DD , I think it is a different time than when I parents grew up. My mom lives in Louisiana and is very racist. I hate it!! She uses the "N" word and it really makes me uncomfortable. I definitly do not think anything is wrong with interacial relationships or friendships. It is probably just a harmless crush. My parents never would have allowed it. I have an 8 year old son and I would not mind if he wanted to date outside his race. The grandparents would really freak out!!! Let you daughter see the boy. There is nothing wrong it. B. K

You are not being naive, times have changed...the problem is that some people have not. I think that your daughter likes this boy for who he is and that is what's important.

It's absolutely great that people of different races, religions and backgrounds have relationships together. I have many friends and relatives that have multi-racial families and they are so beautiful! It is my opinion that having relationships (any kind - friendship, romantic, crush) with people from other races and backgrounds gives us a chance to share and learn and embrace the differences we may have. It is especially important for children to be accepting of other races,cultures and traditions.

To some people race is still an issue, everyone will have their own opinion and some people are "old school" as you say. It is my hope that this group is declining and people are accepting of people for who they are and what they do instead of what they look like.

My husband and I have no issue if our children grow and date people of different races. As far as we are concerned race should have nothing to do with whether someone is datable. Personalty is much higher concern. Do they treat our daughters or son well. DO they care for them, and do our children tree them well in return. those things matter far more to us. I do know that my parents will have issues if my children grow up and get involved in a serious relationship with a different race...but as far as I am concerned, these are my children and as long as they are happy and the person they have chosen treats them well, they are adults and good for them!! my parents can choose to be part of their lives or not...

good luck...

I don't have a problem with my daughters dating outside of their race. I have two in Jr. high, and my daughters (all 4) are in gifted classes, and their aren't any afr. american boys in their classes. They have been raised in a middle class neighborhood with prod. anglo kids. I don't find it abnormal at all...the world is changing.
This is what we have all been talking about for years...equality for all...my parents would have a problem with my kids dating outside of their race also, but it is a new generation and this is the way the future is. We are one big melting pot...all God's children. Be strong and support your child...(even if it is jr. high) you don't want your bias (or your parents') to change her view - that is how racism is started. If she hears negativity from home, it can fester in her after a while and then become negative to that race. Be open minded!

I think it is a wonderful thing that your child doesn't recognize that race is an issue to some people. I feel that many children today have grown up without race ever really being discussed and therefore they are so much more open-minded regarding such issues. Don't worry about how your mom feels, how do you feel about the situation?

My daughter was living with a guy that was a different race and we had to keep it from her father. His favorite statement is "I'm not racist but those people...........". He is, in fact very racist but I have been able to raise my kids to look past the color of another's skin. As a mother, I don't believe your mother should interfere with the way you raise your kids. As a grandmother, I know that's hard. I always tell my kids that I will always voice my opinion but it is up to them whether they listen or not. In a case like this, I wouldn't expect them to listen. If you "forbid" the friendship, it will just go underground and forcing them into secrecy could lead to an unacceptable ending.

DD:
I am a 32 year old, white mother of one beautiful little 2 year old boy. My husband (who is also white) and I have discussed this issue many times and have decided that our only concern is our childs happiness. I am a firm believer that love knows no boundaries and while your situation may not be "love" as we know it, it very well may be to them. I can't tell you what you should do, but I will tell you what we would do. We would encourage our child to be happy. As your child grows older, if this pattern continues, it seems that your only concern should be to ensure her happiness, that he is good to her and that he treats her well... the rest is up to her. Good luck to you and PS - You are a grown woman raising your own child. While your mother may have issues with the situations you are dealing with and of course is entitled to her own opinion, she has to trust in herself. She has to believe that she raised you well enough to know that you will make the best decisions for your child and also... she is done raising her child... it's time to let you raise your child.

There will always be somebody with their disapproval, but then that's their problem. What kind of person would you like your daughter to be?
I would base my approval or disapproval on the character of a person, because that is what really matters. It would not bother one bit if any of my children dated, married, socialized, etc with anyone of a different race as long as they are a good person.

Unfortunately it is, but don't let that ruin their innocence. It does not matter whether the little boy is purple and from the purple people planet. Our youth tend to mirror the images they see and grow up with the values we place in them. Teach her to love...no matter what.

I think your mother is certainly "old school," and hers is a school of thought I hope we'll see our children outgrow completely. If your daughter's friends don't notice racial difference, that's a great sign! There are some places in the country where interracial dating could still expose kids to risk -- there was a latino teenager somewhere in north Texas who was beaten so badly he will never recover within the last 2-3 years because he kissed a white girl at a party. I personally WANT my kid to see race and cultural difference as neutral, just another thing that makes a person who they are. But, I never want a dark-skinned boy or girl to get hurt because my pale-skinned daughter is oblivious to the social realities around her. So, I would just be matter-of-fact about any real dangers in your community, if you are aware of cases of racist violence getting stirred up by interracial romance. In your case, though, it sounds like your daughter's social world is much freer of racial prejudice than your mother's world was, and since it's young people who are most likely to "police" racial/cultural boundaries with violence, I'd say the kids are safe from everyone but your daughter's grandmother, and that it is her you will have to keep an eye on -- remarks she makes could damage her relationship with your daughter and possibly leave scars. With Barack Obama running for president, you can now ask her "what are you worried about - that if they have kids they won't be able to be president? Relax -- they WILL!"

I also remembered with a grin what friends of mine with three great interracial children used to say -- they were living in Boston and there were very strong feelings against interracial marriage on both the white and black sides in those days and in that area -- Karen would say with a sly smile "Bill and I are very old-fashioned -- we'll only let them date other half-black/half-white children!"

RACE is not an issue. Not to me and despise people that have that issue. I believe we should be free to choose who we like and don't like and have our own reasons. The country tries to say we have freedom of speech, when in fact everyone always has a problem with it. To many hate crimes, life is to short to be worried about what everyone else is doing or thinking. As long as you and your loved ones are happy and not hurting anyone, I'm for it, go all in. Like you said your daughter is still young and is just friends with her crush. I'm in a multi racial relationship with my husband, and we've been together for 7 yrs now going on strong. It's all up to the character to think for themselves. Good luck on telling everybody else the same. People are so judgemental.

I guess race is still an issue with people of "old school" and I can see your moms point. But, then again I can see yours as well. I teach 6th graders and I see this all the time. They change boyfriends/girlfriends at a drop of a hat. So I wouldn't be too concerned about them "going out." Since they are too young to go out in the first place. I would just keep a close eye on the relationship, texting calling each other, etc. because some of my 6th graders know more than I know and knew at their age.

Hi D D,

You know when kids are in school so much happens, but most importantly this is where a majority of their social skills are formed. If your daughter has found herself a good young man to have her first crush on, then just enjoy this time with her and have great mom/daughter talks. They are innocent, young children right now and should NOT be motivated or encouraged to ignore other races. Just say that when she gets older she only tries to find Mr right by only looking at men in her race? There is a huge possibility that she can be overlooking HER Mr Right by doing so. Why would any mother want her daughter to be caught in this type of situation? We want the best for our children and listening to your mother could potentially do her no good.
To answer your question, race is an issue if you allow it to be. Most of my relationships when it comes to mentors and/or friends are of another race and I would not be the woman I am today had it not been for each and every one of them that crossed my path.
Do your daughter a favor, allow her to explore every avenue, possibility and give her the opportunity to make these life decisions for herself. Her grandmother will not be living her life for her and there is no guarantee that your daughter's Mr Right will be of her own race.

Good luck with grandma! She sounds like a real work in progress. Maybe she can learn a thing or two from her grand-daughter:)

M.

No I don't think race is still an issue and see nothing wrong with who your daughter likes and vice versa. That may be of course because I personally come from a multi-racial family.
My grandparents still refer to people of a race different than them in a "old fashioned" way as well.. (I am shocked when I hear them say "color people"!)
In my opinion I think that you should be proud that race is not a factor in who your daughter likes or dislikes.. it means you have done well in teaching her social values!
Ignore your mom there is no reason to discourage such a relationship. The only reason to discourage any relationship were only if the boy was a bad influence or something like that, not because of his race.

I wouldn't discourage it, in this day and age. Someone of the same race can be a horrible person while the difference race kid is wonderful. I dated out of my race in college and my now husband doesn't like it, in fact he once in a fight threw it in my face and I told him that can not happen I don't want our children growing up with racism. Children should be allowed an open mind to grow with!

oh yeah, it is so totally fine if he is a trustworthy young man with good character. The only time I would be concerned about my kids boy/girlfriends is if they were troubled or you saw something in her attitude change after being around him or maybe if there was a big age difference. Your mom is probably concerned about what people will think but you know skin color and nationality are different. Nationality is based on where we are born, so if they are both Americans then really there might just be a skin color difference and actually we all have different skin color. Now if they are from different countries then there is a nationality difference but still if he is a good kid, I don't see any problem. I think if you are comfortable and she is not getting in any trouble there is no problem. Just go with your gut, you are the mom and know what is best for your kids. If she grows up and marries someone with darker or lighter skin than her, she will have gorgeous kiddos, trust me ;)

I would not even waste my time worrying about race. Do not give it another negative thought. From what you mentioned in your email you have 2 great kids that like each other period.

Your mother, and all of us, have been socailized in a society that is racist. this does not make her or anyone else a BAD PERSON, it just means we have to challenge the way our parents, the media and our community have taught us to think. I'm saying this as a mixed racial women who passes as white most of the time. I notice a difference in how I get treated, however, when I'm tan and my skin is dark. It's that people treat me worse (most of the time), but everyone's reaction to me is, maybe more, I don't know. Let's just say white privelege is a real thing that I would not be aware of unless I lived in both worlds. in most cases racism is underlying and harder to identify and define, but in this case it's pretty in your face!

I think you're right in that they're only 12 and not getting married, and reminding your mother of that is the best option. if she still is trying to intervene, or bring it up (with you or your daughter) find some anti-racist literature, or have her meet the boy your daughter likes. When an "issue" has a human face it really changes things.

Also, don't take the advise of the people telling you that they shouldn't be dating, a)they're not yet and b)if you tell her not to date she will anyway. My best friend in middle school wasn't allowed to date until she was 16. she did anyway, as did I, we both dated and were sexually active WITHOUT our parents knowlege BEFORE we were in high school, and this was the 70's. It wasn't very hard. No rule will change a child's behaivor, only honesty and guidence will make a difference.

I would say it is still an issue underneath it all, especially depending on where you live. San Antonio is pretty relaxed about it. (I, white, married a Hispanic/Black man from Panama.) Most major cities will be accepting except in the older crowd. The smaller towns around are less accepting. The real issue is when/if she will have kids. I have no problems with people who have problems with my relationship with my husband. But, when kids come into play, we have to be very careful on where we choose to live as they are mixed race and people can be very cruel, especially kids. My kids didn't choose it, so my husband and I talked about it before marriage and decided to marry anyway, knowing that we would have to be careful in choosing where we live for our kids' sake only. So far, no problems. But, we've remained in San Antonio on the far northwest side which is very dynamic in culture. At this young of an age, I wouldn't worry about it unless you think she will become sexually active. If your daughter is aware of possible social consequences, then she is going into the relationship honestly and not shocked when someone may disapprove. My parents made it very clear that it was OK, but that it wasn't ok with everyone. I was ready for the challenge. Knowledge is power. And I made an educated decision, even though I lost a dear friend over the matter. My grandparents were against the idea, but accepted my husband graciously once the decision was made. That's my experience. I have friends from other states (both black and white) that have had horrible experiences with children of mixed race. I asked them the same question you are asking - but more like how we and my children would be treated there. I was a little shocked at the answers. I don't plan to move to those places, ever.

Dear DD
Yes race is and always will be an issue.
There will always be a stigma attached to this factor and possibly to being gay, etc.
It is very hard to speak against it when your child is going to school with people of different race groups but I feel that wherever possible, we should all stick to our own kind as the basic rule.
I am not being judgmental here, I just feel that's the way God made us.
Jewel

My first response is coming to you from a Middle School teacher with 20 years of experience. Please don't allow your child to "date". There are too many issues that are coming faster than you may be ready for, and teen-age pregnancies are increasing. It does matter to an extent on what you teach your child, but there are too many pressures coming from the opposite sex (not to mention their friends). Going out in a group is fine. Let them be friends. Middle schoolers emotional capabilities are changing so quickly, that they aren't even sure what's going on at times.

We tell our daughter that if she makes the choice to date someone from a different nationality, then she has to realize that there will be issues.... from someone (grandparent, parent, friend, inlaw, etc.). She has to be ready to handle it and discuss her options prior to dating.
She should also research genetic problems that could occur with the mixed race.....
Coming from someone who knows: a Caucasion married to a Hispanic

Race will ALWAYS be an issue ! My oldest daughter, who is very blonde, blue eyed, and freckle faced, has a black boyfriend. She is grown and so is he. This is their choice. They are happy. I want her to be happy. My husband and I have no problem with it. Unfortunately, many people do not see it that way. We love her, want to see her, and only wish them the best. We don't discuss this with people; but, we don't deny it either. We are in our early 60's.

Hope this information has been helpful.

I'm sorry to say this, but I can't believe this garbage still exists!
There is no such thing as a "different colour"!
If your daughter likes him and he likes her, there should be NO ISSUE. And I'm PROUD of your daughter for going against this unbelievable old-school grain!
All people are EQUAL and all people are meant to be loved. It doesn't matter what colour their skin is, if two people like each other, they ought to let their hearts lead the way, rather than listen to a grandmother who obviously still lives in the past!
Tell her its the 21st century now and there's no room for this kind of talk!
Congratulations to your daughter ---at least she's doing something right.

DD,
I don't see anything wrong with having friends of a different race. I tell my kids that it is more important to date someone with the same spiritual beliefs. Having said that, I would not let a sixth grader get too serious with dating.

Sounds like your Mom may be "old skool" as you said. Children today who are raised to treat everyone equally regardless of their differences whether it's race, handicap, illness, etc. typically don't have a problem liking someone outside of their race or culture. I have two teenagers and they like who they like regardless of their ethnicity. Kids today are more open and are getting away from the old mentality. They don't consider it a big deal. Interratial relationships are more common now and are accepted more than say 20 years ago. Has your Mom said anything to your daughter? You should discuss with your daughter how your Mom feels about the situation. That way your daughter will understand upfront that you think its okay that she likes the boy before your Mom says something to her that makes her feel uncomfortable.

This is such a sensitive issue but I think it is important to point out that just because someone thinks that it is not a good idea to date outside their race, that does not mean they are racist. That is kind of extreme. You can have respect for all kinds of people without wanting to date them.

Race is surely still an issue especially in the older generations. But you are doing fine as far as just letting things happen naturally. There are still many that are raised this way and their kids are taught the same. I don't know if it will ever be completely phased out.

We dont have a daughter yet but I tell my husband I would rather my daughter bring home someone like Tiger Woods than Marchal Mathers (EMMnEMM rapper). We both agree that its more of how the person behaves. I know my parents and even my brothers would have a problem with it. But thats just it its there problem. Dont think that just because her peers dont have a problem with it she wont get the flack from other older people that will be rude and mean. My parents wouldnt allow me to date outside my race when I was in jr. high and looking back on it he wasnt a good guy after all. not because of his race but because he was just a bad guy. Good luck and be there for your daughter when she has her little heart breaks. Where I am at the majority of the people are White or Mexican so its nothing to see that type of interracial dating. But when we see a Black person ouside there race its kind of odd, makes us take a double take. Shouldnt be but reality is thats the way it is.

No race is not an issue...there is good and bad in everything.I have biracial children.All the girls like my three boys. Our home phone blows up off the hook lol.(14,10,9,)Please make the difference and break that cycle.Race is only an issue if we make it an issue .Remember we are all HUMAN RACE the one that does matter.Tell you mom would she rather have a guy treat her bad and be the same race or a great guy who adores her from another race.Plus if you forbid it I promise she'll do it anyways behind your back.Just be there for your daughter in whatever decision she makes.Plus set a few rules because she is still young.goodluck

My concern is not the Race, my concern is that you believe it may just be a crush and just texting. Your mom may be in the past but you must come up in time and believe that texting and crushing can lead up to alot more than you think. Why the concern of what "her" friends think. You are the mother since when does a sixth grader have parenting skills. But the whole Race issue i have no problem my daughter is 20 years old and is in a mix race relationship and i have yet to experience any problems color is only skin deep.

I would love it if my kids even had friends that were a different race! They are a little young to date though. However when they are old enough, I would love it. I was just thinking about this the other day and how I was raised hearing racial comments from the older "old school" members of my family. I was told to never bring someone of a different race home and so many other things that stuck in my head. Now I see all these couples of different races that are blessed. I'm very happy in my same race marriage and very blessed as well. Mainly I never want my kids to hear some of the comments or have it ingrained in their heads like I did growing up. I just want them to love others for who they are, not what culture they are.

i wouldnt discourage something like this although sadly i do believe race is still an isuue after all these years. i am married to an anglo man. this is my second marriage. im still very young.. will b 30 in august, with 3 young daughters(neither from my current husband) my father was raised "old school". and as a young girl i remember specific remarks my father made about a boy in my class i "liked". i was filling out valentines day cards and he overheard me asking how to correctly spell his name. my father asked me what color he was... and i said white. his response wasnt an angry one.. but it was obviously made clear that he didnt want his children "mixing" w other races. especially black... yes, its very sad... but thats the way they were raised i suppose. all six of us (my siblings and i) grew up to marry only white... :) my first husband beat me like he hated me... cheated like it was a must... and hardly provided for our daughter. i ended the marriage after a long miserable two and a half yrs. my father really wasnt a racial man and isnt today. he has friends who he loves dearly and they are of another race.. but i guess just was taught to stick w your own. anyhow. when he realized that i was indeed abused in the most unthinkable ways... he broke down in tears and told me that it didnt matter to him what color the skin was... black white brown or blue.:) he just wanted his children to be safe and happy. that is what i tell my girls. color doesnt matter. it shouldnt matter. i believe its the best thing for our children to teach them to be color blind. even if the older generation feels differently, we should appreciate how far we all have come with the race issue, and hope that in the future of our babies it will be even less of an issue. it seems to me that you may feel the same as i do. i hope your mom wont be offended if you dont go with her advice. chances are she will be. but go with your feelings on this one. she is your daughter, and you know whats best. there is nothing wrong with letting your little girl enjoy her crush.:)remember those days? :) i understand how you feel torn here, but you'll do what you know is best either way you go with it. so good luck to you and your daughter! i wish you well. and i cant wait to hear how this all works out. god bless :)

I don't see anything wrong with dating outside your race, either. You mother is probably mad that someone of another race never asked her on a date.:)

Needless to say...who's raising your daughter - you or your mother? Let her know you respect her opinion, but she's raised hers and you're going to raise yours.

No. Times have not changed. It's always been like this. It just more in the open now. Tell your mother that. Also tell her the slaveowners use to sleep with/rape their (black)slaves. I don't really think it was done on the DL but I think that the wives of the slaveowners had dared not say anything. So let your mother know that people now are just being more Christ like. Those who date outside of their race or don't have a problem with other dating outside of their race look at everyone as Jesus did.

i believe race is still an issue. i'm 52, while i dont see it's a big deal, my parents on the other hand did have a problem with it. upbringing has a lot to do with it also. for now, it may just be a school crush. but, how will you feel when the time comes that your child grows up & wants to marry or move in with someone of another race & have children. i believe the love for a grandchild has no color barrier. sure, this is in the far fetched future; but, will you be ready. about being naive; dont be! each generation is smarter than the one before. i know how i was when i was young!
O.

Hey D D,

I think you should be proud of yourself that you have raised a daughter who sees the person first and not the color of their skin.

Unfortunately, my in-laws are like your mom--and to tell you the truth I think my mom is the same way. All of them fall in the 70's age group, so for them I think it was just the way they were raised.

Good luck,
Debra

I wouldn't be too worried about it. If you live in a more affluent area where everyone is more educated, I wouldn't be concerned. Now if you were in a so so neighborhood and there were social economic problems, then I would be a bit concerned.. My mother in law would flip out, she grew up in a very racist environment and it is still planted in her little head. She is freaking out about Obama. I think it is crazy. As with any other boyfriend or close friend, just keep a close eye on them and be sure he doesn't influence her in a negative way. Oh, I do not look forward to those years... good luck..

Unfortunately, race will always be an issue for some people. I have 2 close friends (white) who are unable to have children, so they adopted. Their first 2 children are black. The mom's maternal grandparents have completely disowned her as a result--they don't want to hear about her or the great-grandchildren they've never seen. The dad's grandmother, on the other hand--who is very much the family matriarch--sent a letter to everyone in her family after the first child was adopted. The letter said basically, "This is MY great-grandchild. She is family, regardless of her skin color or birth parents. Anyone who does not agree is no longer welcome in my house."

Your story struck a chord with me. When I was in high school, I had a close friend I was interested in dating. I'm white; he was half-black. Never occurred to me that it would be a problem...but it was, to my parents. In fairness to them, they'd lived through race riots that were so violent the National Guard had to be called in, and patrolled the streets every night in tanks to enforce the curfew. So they saw race relations through that lens, and nothing I could say convinced them that I would not be ostracized at school if I dated someone from a different race.

I say just let them go. There is certainly a chance that they're going to run into some problems--there are still people with racist attitudes out there, and they pass them on to their children--but it sounds like they have the support of their friends to see them through. My oldest is only 3-years-old, but if someday he starts dating a girl of a different race, that's fine with me. My parents have gotten better, fortunately, as I've got a Hispanic sister-in-law now; but I still remember what they put me through and I would never do that to my child.

I will be absolutely thrilled! You have done an excellent job raising a confidant, mature and open-minded young lady. Good for you. I can only pray that the rest of this generation doesn't give it a second thought.
Unfortunately, there still are "old school thinkers" around, but I truly hope that this stigma passes with them. I understand a family wanting to keep its heritage alive, but I believe that a child can only be enriched by having more than one cultural background.-Not that they are having children, but I believe this is the reality that you mother is probably trying to discourage
I say that you should continue in the same manor that you have been. This is not a boy of a different race. This is a boy that you daughter has found a connection with. I would also encourage your mother to stay away from this subject. If your daughter picks up on it, which there is a good chance that she will. I would simply tell her that grandma is from a different time and times have changed.
I applaud you for raising such a colorblind child. I can only hope that others will do the same.
I would take it as a sign that you are doing a good job and nothing more.

Yes your mom IS old school. My mom is too still a bit. But she's "medernizing" slowly. definitely let them be friends! If there he is not a bad influence and a good kid, that's all that matters. You don't want your daughter growing up to feel a bit racist as your mom is. Nowadays it's not much of an issue at all. And, if she grows up and decides to date another race whether it be that child or different man, it shouldn't be an issue either. Trust your daughter to make good judgements based on the person, not on their race. Good luck!

My Mom is the same way. Even when I was in High School, there was a stigma about dating outside your race (15 years ago) Now things are totally different. My rules are the boy has to be respectful and a good person. No different from the rules I have for her girlfriends. As long as they are good to my child, I don't care if they are purple and have one eye. That should be the goal. Hanging around with good people. CB

OK FIRST of all they are in the sixth grade for pete's sake. That is entirely too young in my opinion to even be considering a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Now if there is a whole group of friends (boys and girls) doing things together, that would be fine. Yes you should discourage this on the mere age factor alone.

P.S. I'm only 38 and feel this way.... my daughter is 9.

I was just going to respond to your situation and then i saw that you explained what happened! I'm right w/ ya girl! I was going to say that its NORMAL for girls to "go out" with boys at that age....not dating of course. i remember my dad always gave us a hard time b/c he kept saying "so where are you going?". its completely innocent and i am glad that you ahve an open relationship with your daughter. I'm sure you are using this experience as a time to keep the communication lines open and discuss when real relationships can start. i really feel that many mothers are being naive if they think their kid isnt doing this...i did and so did many of my friends!!! mine remained completely innocent and i didnt date until high school although one of my friends did get caught up in sexual situations around 7th grade. i commend you for keeping those communication lines open and that you are actively watching over her convos. by the way moms...texting is better than talking on the phone..you can check them!! :) i just felt like you were getting attacked on here and wanted to give you some support! :)

In my opinion as long as a he treats your daughter right and he has respect for you and her I don't see the problem. Sure there are going to be people who object to it, but God doesn't see color and nor should they. Color has nothing to do with it, their background and morals on the other hand is what is important. My daughter is 3 yrs old and in the 6th grade I would allow her to talk to boys but I would want to meet them and not allow them to be by themselves.

Hi,

I'm a 43 year old white woman who thinks your attitude toward race is great. I just have to say that I am so encouraged by the comments of the people who have replied to your question that maybe racism is dwindling. I am married to a white man and we have a blond blue-eyed girl, but I would not mind who she dated as long as he was, as you said, respectful, supportive, loving, etc. And had a good job, of course, etc. Maybe when we have our first black president, we can finally put racism away for good. Bravo everybody!

While my daughter is still many years from dating, I can honestly say that I would have no problem with it. My daughter is bi-racial (hispanic and white) but I have found that what is much more important than race is culture. If your daughter is dating (when she is older) someone whose values are drastically different from her own then she is much more likely to encounter problems (as I have w/ my husband). I think that in society in general race is still an issue for a lot of people, but with a great many more it is not a big deal. Particulary w/ the younger generations. Just tell your mother to butt-out. It's up to you how to raise your daughter, and the fact that race is not an issue to her is something you should be proud of and not seeking to change.

I think that it's great. Once in high school my father teased me about a boy I was "hangin' out" with. He had come to the house, so they actually met. After he teased me, he got serious and said that it's important that I have relationships with people from different backgrounds. I always felt encouraged to just be myself and have real people in my life. I did marry within my race, but it's not because I was looking for that.

I think that there might be a bit of a difference between how girls and boys of different races are treated...sometimes. My brother's high school girlfriend was of a different race. She would call him all the time, but he was not allowed (by her parents) to call her house. I told him to be very careful, that he shouldn't even be with her if her parents felt that way. He didn't want ot hear it because he always wanted to see the best in people...to his detriment because he was killed years later by someone he thought was his friend. That's another story.

Race is always an issue, as long as people are being discriminated against for race. I think that as long as we embrace the differences and even see the beauty in them, and not try to ignore them, then we can get along fine. When I was about 10 years old, I used to walk almost hand in hand with two girls in school. The three of us were of three different races, and we called ourselves Whole Milk, Chocolate Milk, and Buttermilk...or Neapolitan ice cream. We enjoyed acknowledging those differences. I had no idea that it could have been considered a big deal.

I will tell you what I told my daughter when she asked me what I would do if she wanted to marry a boy of a different race. I told her that I would be more concerned about what kind of character he had and what his family background was. Marriage is hard enough without coming from two completely different worlds.

Anyway, my thoughts on a 6th grade relationship with a boy of a different race--there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. If the boy is a good kid like you say he is, then your Mom should just "drop it". Making a huge issue out of this now may create real problems later when your daughter is going through what can be rebellious years as a teen.

I would like to think that all generations can "see the error of their ways" in regard to race issues in the past. Every human being deserves to be treated with respect.

Race isn't an issue, however culture definitely is. Just meet him or something, what has he been raised to believe about girls and relationships, etc. Don't stress it unless she starts act weird. You will know, if you and your daughter were fine with it before grandma needs to take a rest!

Race is still an issue, but with people like your daughter and you being open minded things are changing. At this point in their ages, it really is not a deal at all. How many people marry their first crush.

People are always afraid of what is unknown to them. The younger generations have been exposed to more cultures than we were so they are much more open. I would have no problem with daughters dating someone of another race.

Hi DD,
I think it's wonderful that your daughter can look at another child and see a "person" not a "race". My son 12 and I moved to Austin tx from Utah three years ago. My son had hardly ever even seen another kid with a defferent colored skin except mexican. I have always taught him to look at the person on the inside not the outside.
Until we moved here he never had much opertunity to make those choices but at his last b-day party I ask him if chocolate cake was ok and he said as a joke "I guess so mom, most of the kids are chocolate" and I said "then chocolate it is"! I was delighted at what great kids they all were, polite, funny, and they all thought the world of my boy. As far as I am concerned his choice in the quality of friends is so much more important than the color.
Just for the record, during the last year at school my son probably has had 20 different girlfriends, some lasted a week some a day. I suggest you say nothing and let life run its course. They are just testing the waters of life.
W.

How are times to change if we don't let them? First, yes, I think times have changed and the majority of people who would have issues are over 60. I think it is great that you are raising your daughter right, which brings me back to my first statement. If you make her feel wierd about it, things won't continue to improve. It isn't just what we tell our children or what we feel ourselves but our actions and how we live that help move progress along.

Besides, the real indicator isn't what anyone on this board says about the change, it is your daughter's friends. If her peers weren't "accepting" that is where she would face the hardest emotional problems. The older generation can always be frowned on and scorned for their outdated beliefs. Since her friends see no problem, I don't think you will have to worry about anything she may face.

As for your mother, my cousin was disowned by my backward grandparents when she married a black man. It was more of a threat and once she had kids my grandparents reconciled with her because they couldn't bear not to be around her or their great-grandchildren. Love will always win out.

Oh, to answer your main question, though both white, my husband and I have each dated "outside our race" so I don't think we would have a problem with anyone our sons ever dated as long as they really cared about the person.

If your daughter is in the 6th grade, that would make her how old? About 11 or 12? I agree with the other people who said that you should not be worrying about race, but rather what is a child that young doing texting and having boyfriends at such a young age?

It sounds like she might be getting to do whatever she wants to do just to fit in and have people like her.

I would never discourage my kids from dating someone solely because of race.

Racism definitely still exists, but at least now it's not politically correct. I'm with you on being optimistic that things are getting better.

I feel like it's less of an issue than it used to be, but then there's always someone out there who will prove me wrong. I even call a few of these people friends, and we have some spirited discussions from time to time. Maybe one day they'll open up!

I would not have an issue with either of my children dating, or even marrying, someone of a different race. Then again, I was fortunate to be raised to believe it's what's on the inside that matters and that the outside is just a packaging.

Some people will continue to pass on their biased viewpoint of the world. Sad.

D D,
I think that you are doing an AWESOME job as a mother. I am a mom of a 4 1/2 yr old boy and a 9 yr old daughter. I agree with most of the responses here. I am not racist by any means and have a lot on friends and family of other races, but unfortunately there are still some people (young and old) that are. I disagree with the comments that your daughter shouldn't be texting this boy. Just because we didn't "text" boys and our friends when we were that age, we all talked to them at school and on the phone. Your little girl is growing up, and you sound like a great mom, so I'm sure you've discussed with her about the birds and bees, etc. Good luck!

D D,

Unfornunately with some people race is still an issue. I personally don't think it should be. What matters is how a person acts and what they believe in. If a person acts good and also believes in good things that person is good. God certainly doesn't see racial differences. We are all his people. We are precious not because of our skin; we are preciuos because of our soul. As long as my children were dating good people I would not mind if they were of different race.
M. K

Hi. No, your not being naive. Race is not an issue, at least not where I live. We went through a similar situation not too long ago with our oldest daughter; but it was my grandmother that had an issue with it. My oldest daughter liked a boy of a different race but was worried about what we'd think. I just told her that every race has people that are good and bad, smart, and ignorant. I'd expect that she would choose a boyfriend, or boy she liked, that valued her as a person and respected her. I don't care what color or where's he's from as long as he was respectful to her, my daughter's friends & family, and to himeself and his friends & family. My grandmother did have the opportunity to meet him at a party we had at my home. He was, in fact, charming, well-mannered, and came across as just a nice boy. The next day my grandmother mentioned that she thought he was the nicest boy and she could see why my daughter liked him.

Anyhow, there will be people that don't approve; but what matters are the people in your home. If you and your husband don't have an issue then there's not one.

I agree with both Julianna and Jewel. Good luck!

No times have changed and they will continue to change more. Rasism will always be around no matter what. Your mom is old school but you like many others are helping to change the way color interferes with who people really are. I have never felt that my kids should be with the same race as themselves. Cause I am sorry but some of the most beautiful kids I have seen have been from mixed race families. People are people and if we raise our kids to look past the color then we are doing our job in helping stop rasicm. Good luck and I dont think there is anything wrong with your daughter having a crush now or marrying later a man of another race. Cause all we really want anyway is for our kids to be happy. Keep up the good work and let your mom get over it she is only 6th grade and maybe she will be a good influence on your mom.

It bad to say but race is still a big part of our world. There are people out there that only see color as a bad thing and will hurt your daughter or the boy with remarks. (maybe your mom and her old school ways trying to get your daughter to break up with him in her own ways). My husband is the same way as your mom. We fight all the time because I believe what happened in the past should stay in the past. I am not a racist by any means. I think that if your daughter is happy and he is treating her like a lady then let her have time with him. I mean gosh all they are doing is texting each other and saying they like each other. If they ever do have a problem with racial comments both may be strong enough to defend themselves with alittle help from you and the boys parents. The world is changing and if we teach our children that color doesnt matter, maybe one day it really wont.
What might help is talking to his parents on the subjuct.

You're doing a fine job. She sees a person and not a color

I think it's wonderful you are raising her to accept and befriend people of all colors and backgrounds. We live in a world that highly accepts this now, but of course SOME of the "old school" people might still have a problem. I was raised by my grandparents. My grandmother was born in 1919. OLD SCHOOL!! When I was in high school one day after cheerleading practice I had one of my friends on the football team drive me home. I walked in and asked if it would be okay for him to come in. To my surprise she said yes. She was nice and treated him as she would anyone else. My sister-in-law married a black man and had a child with him. Prior to this her mother was racist. She now is able to see past color. She loves her son-in-law and grandchild, and no longer sees skin color. This world is changing, and so are the people in it. It's been a long time coming.

As for the dating thing, I completely understand how kids her age are. It's innocent, and nothing more than a little cruch. Texting and emailing is fine. I remember being 12 and talking to my "boyfriend" for hours on the phone. Guess what, I turned out just fine. It's natural, and don't let others judge you because they're "old school" when it comes to "dating".

Moral of the story: Regardless of what we do or what decisions we make, someone will always judge us for our decisions and actions. It's those people, that judge, that we should avoid.

If he's a good boy then that's all that matters! My daughter is 12, going into 7th grade and is part white and Hispanic as most kids are down here in south Texas. My mother could have died that I married someone who wasn't white but she soon got over it. As long as your child knows right from wrong and knows "good boys" from "bad boys" then I think everything will be fine for you and your child. Good luck.

Hello,
Personally, I don't see any problem with it. I am white and was married to a Puerto Rican for 17 years...he was abusive so I have divorced, but if the person is decent and considerate, I believe the race doesn't matter. My youngest daughter who just finished 5th grade has had a boyfriend of another race and I had no problem with it, he was a very sweet young man. They are no longer boyfriend/girlgriend, but still friends. Now, my twin sister's daughter who is 16 years old had a boyfriend of another race, but they live near Vidor, Texas where the KKK used to be very prevalent and my mother was irrate. She and my twinsister were both very much against blended relationships. I guess I'm different because I've traveled and been around the world due to being in the military and my family have never been far from home and are "set" in their ways.
It's sad that people can't move-on and STOP judging others by the color of their skin. It's who they are INSIDE that truely matters! Good Luck! God Bless you and your family.

Unfortuantley race is still an issue. People may say it isn't, and act like they are not prejudice, but if it happened to them they would think differently. I'm one of those who does not see "color". I believe God created all of us equally and our differences are a beautiful thing, so if He does't mind since He created us, why should we? I myself married a person of a different race, though my mom loved him from the minute she met him, if she hadn't I still would have married him. He is a wonderful man. What does his skin color have to do with anything??? If you don't have a problem with it, don't make other peoples problem yours. I know she is your mom, however I feel sometimes, especially as we get older we have to tell our parents when to stay out of things, as hard has that is. Good luck!

Making a judgment about someone just on the basis of their skin color is an arcane idea which should have died long ago. Set boundaries with your child about what behavior is expected from her and any friend of hers regardless of race, sex, religion, etc. Good luck!

My son is only two months old now, but my 18 yr old sister has a boyfriend of a different race. The are very happy and have been together for almost 2 years. She will be a senior in high school next year and he will be a college somphmore. Neither one of our families has a problem with them being together. The way I look at it is if they are happy with each other, both are good kids, they respect each other and the other's families/friends, what's the problem?

If your mom has a problem with it, try to sit down with her and explain how both you and your daughter feel about the situation. Does she know your daughter's "boyfriend"? If not, try getting her to go to school functions or whatever with your family. Let her get to now more of, not just him, but everyone your daughter hangs out with. Ultimately, though, you are going to have make YOUR own decision about YOUR daughter. While your mother will have views and opinoins, she is done raising her children and needs to let you raise yours. Let her know, in a nice, respectful way, that although you value her input, it's your child and your final decision.

My personal opinion is as long as the relationships your daughter has, now and in the future, are not abusive in any way (physically, emotionally, or mentally), and she is happy......let her be with whoever keeps her happy!! ;-) Happiness should be one of the top priorities for your children.

I don't think race should be but I think it still is. It seems to be getting better but hasn't completely gone away. I think there are good and bad in all races and people shouldn't be stereotyped just because of the color of their skin. One thing you said was ~ I don't see her first "boyfriend" being anything more than a short crush. ~ Does this mean that it's okay as long as it is nothing more than a crush? Would it be okay with you if they remained sweethearts and someday married and had children? I think that we should love anyone that loves our children and treats them with kindness and respect. If your mother is a Christian, you should remind her that we are all children of God and also remind her that she shouldn't make any negative remarks about the situation because it could scar the relationship she has with her grandchild. May God bless you and your family.

I think it's great to have friends of all races. I guess I'm old fashioned but I think 6th grade is too young for a child to have a cell and be texting. And of course she is way too young to be dating. I would just encourage her to be involved with group activities at church and/or school with the other boy.

DD -

Just remember what race you are... we are all part of the "human race".... there is only a difference in skin tone!!

Or as my husband says - when you're in the US Marines there are two types: dark green and light green.

There are some people who make an issue of "race" but it's not about race - it's about pride!

K.
____@____.com

Hi,
My children are adopted and are biracial. If you look around when you go to the store you may notice there are a LOT of biracial children and interacial couples. I truly think that one day our world will be full of mostly brown people because of the mixture.
Having said that, I will be honest and let you know that some people do still have issues with mixing races. My eldest son was told, "You are not white and you are not black so you cannot be our friend." Then they through a football at his face and gave him a black eye. The most interesting thing about this is that one boy was black and the other was white.
Now, having said that, I have found that my children are accepted more than they are discriminated against. If your child and her friends are happy, I would let it go. If you try to push her away from it she will think you are racist and it may cause a strain on your relationship. If you are concerned, be honest and tell her, but I think it should be her choice. Good luck.

D D,
My four girls are grown now and some have children of their own. When they were teens they "dated" or hung out with lots of different race friends. I didn't think too much of it but my parents were very upset. I have friends of all races and ethnic backgrounds, but I have to admit when it comes to marriage I have concerns. A marriage is hard enough to hold together when the two people are the same race and the same ethnic background. We bring so much baggage into these relationships. The marriages that seem to work best are the ones where the couples have the most things in common. Still this is 2008. It doesn’t matter what color a person is as long as they love each other and share the same values. It is the value system that seems to be most important. My youngest daughter decided to mix it up and was in a committed relationship with a mixed race boyfriend. When she got pregnant with his child he wanted her to have an abortion. She refused, and now we have a beautiful baby girl in our family. His family doesn’t want anything to do with the baby. It makes me wonder how the baby will feel later when she knows she has two sets of relatives.