Is This Bullying or Boys??

If the dad is telling you his kid is being picked on, it's true. My daughter was bullied for three years and no one knew until she finally told us. We started observing more closely, but this girl was the queen bee and had a lot of people snowed. I saw it with my own eyes and started asking the teachers the right questions.

I think it is naive to think that teachers and coaches would know whether a child is being bullied or not. It takes a second to push a child down or a few seconds to say terrible things to a person all out of ear shot of an adult.

Regardless, this child feels he is being bullied and his father believed him enough to have a rather awkward conversation with you about it. You even aknowledged you saw your son push this boy down and that this boy is not in the middle of the wrestling and goofing off.

If I were in your shoes, I would ask my child what happened and listen to his side. Additionally, I would also tell my child that you expect him to be nothing but kind to this boy and that his world will come to an end if you hear one more complaint about bullying behavior. I would remind him that they are team mates and should treat each other how they want to be treated. I would also tell my son to put himself in this kids shoes...(how would he feel if he was the smallest on the team, does he think that makes things harder for this boy etc.)

I also frequently remind my kids of that famous quote that goes something like this... "people won't remember what you said to them but they will remember how you made them feel" I regularly tell my kids that you also never know what someone is going through and that they should make a conscious effort to make other people feel good about themselves. (Ie. Smile at the boy that has Tourette's syndrome and has few friends, walk to class with the girl with cerabal palsy, compliment the child with Autism, pick the slow kid to be partners with in gym class etc.)

It sounds like the other kid thinks it's bullying, because he talked to his dad about it. Therefore, you simply tell your son, "Joey feels like you are picking on him. You need to stop pushing him down or whatever you are doing. I hope I don't hear any more about this."

You've done enough. If your son is a good boy, it will stop and the problem is solved.

The definition of bullying is whether the other party feels he/she is being bullied. If they do, then the behavior needs to stop. If they don't, as in the name calling question, then I think kids should be allowed to create their own boundaries.

In no way is it okay for one kid to push another kid down. Wrestling is different because the boys are participating willingly. Pushing someone down is just rude and mean and aggressive. Talk to your son again and make sure he understands the difference.

Did X's dad give you specific examples of the bullying behavior? If not, I would go back to him and say you've spoken with the coach and the teacher, and they haven't noticed anything. You would like to resolve this, but need specific examples. If he provides this info, then work with your son on making sure it doesn't happen again.

Great follow through so far. Many parents would just shrug their shoulders and say boys will be boys.

Some boys like to play rough, some do not. Clearly X does not and your son wasn't getting the message, so X had to ask his dad to step in. You already told your son to Stop, which is good. If you haven't, also talk about empathy and looking at things from another person's perspective.

If your son does not stop, then you know you have a bigger issue on your hands. Make sure to tell X's dad that you want to hear about any future behavior so you can nip it in the bud.

Talking one time doesn't help anywhere near as much as having a continued open dialogue.

As often as you ask your son if he had fun at practice, or had a good day at school, you should be asking him if he was a good friend and treated his classmates with respect.

I think you handled this well. In every group, there are some kids who are more sensitive and stuff which would roll of most kids' backs is just really upsetting for them.

So, teaching your son to respect this boy's limits is a perfectly fine thing to do. Just tell him that other than pulling his flag, hands off. It's hard at this age because kids aren't always aware of social cues-- that for the littler guy, his standing aside (you said he's "not one to be in the middle of the wrestling and goofing off... ") is his way of staying out of the fray. He likely feels he's not participating and thus, is showing that he doesn't *want* that sort of interaction.

Let the dad know, too, that you talked with your son and that if anything else does come up could he please tell you about it. As the mom of a kid who was repeatedly targeted last year by another student whose parents made excuses, I think it's great that you were able to hear the dad and not give reasons AND you followed up with the other adults in charge. Good for you.

ETA: I love your answer JC. And yes, it's true that teachers and coaches don't see everything every minute. Kids who are truly bullying will do it covertly (which was what happened to my son and why it took so long for the school to be helpful). Keep in touch with the dad. That must have been hard for him to approach you-- those conversations are often tough.

L.,

Sit the boys down together with the dad and figure out what is going on.

To me?? It sounds like it was rough housing at football practice...you've spoken to the teacher(s) and coach - they don't see anything...maybe something is happening outside their purview???

Get both the boys together to get to the bottom of it.

Good luck!

If the other child is (willingly) participating in the behaviour, then yes, it is boys playing rough. If the boy is getting pushed down even though he isn't participating in the wrestling and goofing off then it is bullying.

Great answers so far!

I have to tell JC. that your response warmed my heart. I work in education and many times I see so much exclusion of the very children you mentioned in your post. I wish we had more parents like you!!

You said you saw your son push a boy down. you did not say you saw him play wrestling with another boy. that sounds suspicious. The boy told his dad he feels bullied. sounds suspicious. I think the best solution is to start watching practice more closely and see what else you observe.

how refreshing to see a post from a mom on this side of the issue, and who isn't shrieking about how her kid would NEVER do such a thing!
it does honestly sound from what you've posted like boys being boys playing a rough-ish sport. but when you're the little guy (or worse, the parent of the littlest guy!) and you there's pushing going on, you can understand the concern.
good for the father for speaking to you directly, honestly and without drama. and very good for you for responding in kind.
i think the best thing is a response along the lines of 'i did see my son push yours today and spoke to him about it. i haven't seen it happen regularly, but if it has i'm certainly sorry to hear it. your son will have an apology at the end of practice and it won't happen again.'
then reiterate to your son what you did already, but do have him apologize. that's the only thing that i think you left out. and make it clear that it had BETTER not happen again. if your son says it was only the one time, fine, i wouldn't interrogate him, accept it, have him apologize.
boom. done. everyone moves on.
khairete
S.

The way you write it, which may or not be how it happened, is that other boys were playing football in a very non-structured way....while you son simply pushed a kid down. That way, yes, I would have a big problem with it. Did you son just push him down and then leave? It doesn't sound like the little boy 'goofing' off with the rest of them so he should not have been a part of it?

However, I think you are doing an amazing job taking care of this!!! Just pushing a kid down for no reason with no 'play' involved is not OK. You seem to be doing everything right.

All of our three boys have played flag football. We just got back from our
9 y/o's game.

What you've described is pretty common, and if that is all there is to it, it's not bullying. Even though it is flag football, I notice that after our practices, the boys keep playing and sometimes they get a little rough. They push, pull, grab, and tackle. They're boys. And not just that they are boys, they are boys who like football. It kind of comes with the territory.

As long as your son and the other boys are not singling out X and making him the recipient of all of the physicality, I do not see this in any way as bullying.

You've done everything you can do. You've talked to your son, his teacher, and the other boy's father. Both the teacher and the coach have denied seeing any evidence of bullying.

I do think you are wise to keep talking to your son and to caution him about being less "hands on" when it comes to X, because now your son is on X's radar, and even an innocent physical interaction may be cause for this dad to think your son is picking on his son. I'd also keep talking to your son to ensure there is nothing else going on (like subtle things, or excluding X, or what kids sometimes think of as "friendly" name-calling. There was a post about this the other day).

It's a shame that some people take a serious issue like bullying and then try to
frame every unpleasant interaction their kid has under this umbrella.

Best to you and your family.

J. F.

You did talking to all so that is good, but while it is flag football, that kind of stuff is during the game. So you did right to remind him not to do it when they aren't playing.

Why did your son push the other boy down? Did you ask him that?

I wouldn't necessarily rely on teachers and coaches, kids can be sneaky. You realize your son is not an angel, so it's possible that something is going on behind the scenes.

I do like the way you've handled it so far. I really do like the idea of getting the kids together so they can talk it out.

I would stress to my son that even if the coach doesn't think his behavior is out of line, I think it's out of line that he pushed someone down. It doesn't make him bigger, it makes his behavior bad and that's not acceptable. Just because everyone else is doing it, doesn't make it right.

Lord I don't think this is bullying, why must everything be normal or bullying?

So pretty much bigger kids do this to your son so he has learned if he wants to get by with it he must pick a smaller child. Sounds like the coach needs to go over the rules of flag football and people must learn the definition of bullying.

Seeing the other answers I get you took care of talking to your son but if the coach doesn't go over the rules with all the boys you are going to get your son coming home asking why it is okay for him and him and him but not me?

FYI - teachers very rarely admit that they see bullying because they don't want to be responsible for dealing with it. I wouldn't put much stalk in what the teacher said.

The coach is probably encouraging it. Look at all the hazing incidents that coaches were aware of. They all chalked it up to "boys being boys."

Even if your kid is not bullying, per se, he is definitely doing something to this boy that makes the boy uncomfortable/frightened. You should pay more attention at the next few practices and makes sure he heard what you "talked" to him about.

I agree with JC. Just because the small boy was the first to report does not mean that he is free of any misdeed..

Ask your son why he pushed the boy.

A second reason could be that your son needed to push someone smaller than himself to feel strong.

Either can be a possibility.

What Rosemud said.
That.