Is This How a Marriage Is Supposed to Be?

Try to talk to him again. You can work towards something better. If he won't go to counseling, then go alone.

Well, even though your husband is older than you are, for a man he is still young. In my experience, men are pretty immature until they're around 30. NOT that this is an excuse, because your husband chose to become a husband and father.

So with that in mind, I think there are a few things you can do. First, plan something that YOU like to do, whether that is going to a movie with your girlfriends, or scrapbooking, or going to the library to read a good book in blessed silence, or whatever. Then, tell your husband the date and time you plan on doing this. I have found that e-mail tends to work well, as then he can't say you never told him (LOL - can you tell I speak from experience?). Then on the appointed day and time, go do whatever you planned on doing. Leave him with the kids. "Forget" to take your cell phone with you.

The purpose of this exercise is two-fold: 1) You get time away to decompress, and 2) He understands that you get time away, too. It puts you on equal footing with him. Right now he is calling all the shots, in some way showing you that he is in charge of himself. The more you nag at him, the worse he'll get. It's just how men are.

In the beginning of my marriage, my husband would do the same sorts of stuff that your husband is doing - he'd be off at all hours of the day and night with the boys, come home drunk, sleep in the next day. I decided, why am I sitting at home pining away for him, getting all angry? I am letting his actions define who I am, and that's NOT how I want my marriage to be! So I got some hobbies and when our kids came along, forced him to take equal part in spending time with them by making myself unavailable for short periods of time. He began to understand that I had a life, and he didn't particularly like it when I'd go out with the girls (we never do anything allll that exciting, more like movies and Starbucks type of stuff) - but what could he say, right? Turnabout is fair play. Because I felt more confident and really could have cared less WHAT he did, he actually started sticking around the house more. Now, he tries to plan activities where we can both attend, and every so often we'll get a babysitter and go out, just the two of us. But it took us 11 years to get to this point, so stick with it... In fact, a few months ago, I had signed up for a scrapbooking retreat out of town and had sent an email to my husband when I signed up, and then put it on his calendar to be sure he'd see it there, as well as talked non-stop about it for about a month. Well, the week before the retreat, he springs on me that his rugby team made the championships and he needed to fly to Idaho the same weekend as my retreat, "so I guess you'll have to cancel your retreat." And I'm thinking, OHN! I looked him square in the eye and said, "I guess you'll need to find a babysitter who can stay with the kids all weekend!" And left for my retreat without a backward glance. Guess what? He found a babysitter!

I think a lot of men were overly pampered by their mothers. Mine was. So now it's just a matter of making him understand that his lack of planning is not my emergency, and we are EQUAL partners in this relationship. Men often do not understand verbal communication (it seems to irritate them), but they do understand action. So be a woman of action and decide how it is that you want your marriage to be. And then steer the course toward that using action rather than words. Just my two cents! I hope you find something that works!

Take heart, these are very common issues among couples with young children. They aren't going to fix themselves, though. You have to work really hard at it, and I don't mean just you.

He needs to understand that he has responsibilities now. What if you stopped doing some of the housework? Would he take up? Maybe you could write down a chore list and divide it up. Tell him in no uncertain terms that he has to pitch in and you are underappreciated and will not stand for it. If he wants a family, he has to pitch in.

Read Randy Frasee's book Making Room for Life, which is a frank look at how we as adults are spending our time and the effects on our family. It challenges you both to put family first and spells out how and why (using your criteria about what is important rather than Randy's) to do this.

If that does not work, go to counseling.

As to if you should just live this way I say this: No, but the answer is not to leave him, the answer is to grow together as a couple and sometimes you have to raise a husband and lead him to that which takes patience and work just like raising a child does.

I didn't read the other responses, but here's my 2 cents. It sounds like he spends a lot of time with his guy friends. It's one thing to have them over if you're out at work, but to leave and go out when you get home at midnight? While moms are generally more nurturing and do those things like doctors visits, etc., he needs to grow up and realize he's not single any more! I'd limit his nights out with his friends to once every week or two weeks. Not spending time as a couple is how people grow apart, and end us as just "roommates". I'd talk to him again.

There are lots of different ways marriages are put together. What is most important is the feeling that your needs are being met. If you don't feel they are and he isn't willing to work with you, then your marriage will have problems. Have you tried suggesting some marriage counseling?

I think that some people become so comfortable with the family routine, that your 'us' time also comes with others (your kids). It may be as simple as he is happy hanging out as a family and seeing you alone after they go to bed. I do not think it sounds like he's not interested in being alone/having 'us' time. I think you should get a sitter, tell him to get dressed and go out. Don't ask him if he wants it.

As far as you putting your whole life into the family/changing your life, I think a lot of mothers (especially SAHM) feel that way because your life has changed because it has. Even though your husband is working, you are the one home and dealing with all the daily grind.

Explain to him that you get lonely at home with the kids and yearn for the companship of just him. Explain that you understand he wants to go out with the guys, but that you really want time together. Even if it's just at home in the evenings when the kids go to bed. Rent a sexy movie (hint), get a bottle of champagne, beer, wine, (non alcohol for you!) and sit outside and talk.

It probably does have to do with you being pregnant too because to you, you see this as another person in your life that you will soon be responsible for, which equals less quality time with hubby.

Sometimes I find it's best to write everything down on paper - that way you can say everything the way you want to without fighting or mincing words. Give him the letter and walk away. I think he'll get the idea.

Present the situation to him in a way that he can understand. I once spoke to a gentleman about this very thing, he said his wife got upset when he didn't help out but he didn't see the point, then went on to complain about a guy at work who wasn't doing his fair share, leaving everyone else to do his work. I asked him, how is this different than what you leave your wife with? He wasn't too happy with me pointing this out, but it did hit home with him, that he was leaving all the work to his wife while he slacked off and she was getting no recompense for doing his share of the work load! Perhaps if you put it into this perspective, he can better understand what you are trying to tell him.

Everyone else has given you good advice. I've got two additional suggestions.

First off, you sit down and come to an agreement that when either of you is at home, all responsibilities are shared. Why should his job be forty hours a week, and yours be 24 hours a day, seven days a week? When you're home, you've got responsibility for taking care of the children and running the house. When he's home, he's got responsibility for taking care of the children and running the house. When you're both home, those responsibilities are shared, 50-50.

Second, recognize that time away from the kids is important, both as a couple, and as individuals. My husband and I keep track of our schedules in a weekly email, which we send back and forth, asking questions (ie. are you going to sign the kids up for swimming, can you go buy father's day cards, etc.), and adding dates. His poker nights and my girls nights out are on the calendar. That way we can both plan ahead and agree on outings, and we keep it fair. We also go out at least one Saturday a month (it used to be two, before the economy tanked), and he arranges for the babysitters.

Your husband shouldn't be making plans without checking with you first -- it isn't fair if he has freedom to do whatever he wants, and you don't.

The younger we start out the harder soemtimes. We grow and change so much during our 20s and it's hard to grow together. But also it's hard at that age to "miss out" on friendship and so on. I'm right there with you and the best thing that worked for us was a dedicated 2 date nights a month and a friend night. Twice a month we make sure we have time alone. Mostly this means kids in bed, us eating dinner late and snuggling up to netflix lol. Then once a month each one of us going out seperatly with friends or even just something by ourseleves. Not like a quick lunch like a good 4 hours. Actual time away. It's hard making it work and hard when he's out to not miss him or be resentful. Maybe you guys could work something like that out. Good luck. I write my husband a note about this kind of stuff that's bothering because otherwise it tends to come out in yelling.

first of all, i agree with maria d.
i am 24 years old with a 6 1/2 and 3 year old. i have been married to my husband for 3 1/2 years (he is the father of both) and i had the same problem starting out. we moved in together when i was 17 and he was 19. at first, i would let him go out and do what he wanted with his friends because i felt bad that he was stuck at home with me all the time even though he wasn't the pregnant one. i soon realized this was making me very upset that he was always out with his friends-even mine since we had the same group of friends. he was also doing stupid things that high schoolers do (drugs) which i was NOT ok with. once i had my first daughter, i knew i needed to protect her and this was not how i was going to have my daughter's father acting. even though we were still teenagers, i wanted her to have a normal life. at first i would ask him not to do what he was doing and he said yeah sure. and didn't follow through. then i got so fed up i said if you do it one more time, i am gone and i left for 2 days. he hasn't done it since. i also feel like i have changed around my entire life to raise my girls which i don't mind at all but it seems like guys don't go through the same change that we do. when we fight, it is 90% because of something he has done. you need to decide how you are going to be treated-what you will put up with and what you won't and then you need to set some ultimatums. my mom always told me you teach people how to treat you. my husband still does things that make me upset, but he is the best husband and dad i could ask for. i suggest putting your all into "training" him on how to treat you and having a great relationship. if he doesn't try or care, i would think about whether it's worth it to live like this the rest of your life. and remember-your kids are watching and listening to everything!! that was always my reson to stick up for myself. i want to wish you good luck. i know how hard it is to be such a young parent while trying to grow up and find yourself. just always put your kids first when making a decision

No marriage is a partnership you each give 100% to each other. Your husband is obviously imature and uncaring, it is not your hormones, its his hormones. If you bring this topic up again its going to end up the same as the last. I suggest that you sit with this for a while, dont say one word not one word about time with him. Prepare very carefully what you want from this relationship. secondly when you do confront him make sure its not the same old record let him know, Im done. Fill in the blank IF YOU DO NOT CHANGE ..........WILL HAPPEN ! make sure you mean it. If you dont train them they will never get it. A man needs to be told what is right and what is wrong, but make sure yoiu are not giving him empty threats. Hope things change

stop trying to do it all-let the house work an laundry slack off-dont cook for him etc.i married early like this also-we had 2 kids-i finally got a divorce..everything was more important than me an the kids.got tired of being the security home base blanket.i quit doing his laundry,cooking for him,plain just quit him before i decided on a divorce-felt pretty good to take control of my life again-when it came down to a divorce-he said he would change-by then it was to late...so give your hubby choices..but most of all quit him for a while-you want your freedom-go get it-

No, that is not how a healthy marriage works. It takes time, patience, and compromise to have a happy marriage and it sounds like you guys have none of that going on. Do you have a church home where you can ask the pastor about counseling? If not, maybe you could find one or seek outside counseling. It sounds like your young family is overwhelmed. Poor thing!
I vote for immediate counseling. And remember that nothing gets settled with anger. Sit him down (as lovingly as you can when you're upset) and try to talk it out. Tell him how you FEEL and let him do the same. Best of luck to you dear!

I know a little of what you are talking about. I got married and prego right out of high school. Laugh if you would like, but we have rules of what we both want in our house. I let my husband hang our with the guys, just by himself once in a great while (he has done it maybe 6 times in the 7 years we have been married) otherwise he has to bring me and the kids with or even just the kids. What does your husband do when he goes out? Is either one a boy? May he could hang with the boys and with his little guy to! We have 2 boys so that is my husbands rule that he gets to go and have a guys day out and he takes the boys to a movie or one time they went and got there hair cut… At least this way you could have the house to your self and take a nice bath or do something with our the kids right there!! My husband works the night shift and I work the day shift so we do not need daycare either. Your right it is very tiring!!! We both work full time, but because he works all night and then stay up all day with the kids I let him slack on some stuff and not do some out work on the days when he is all tired out. He never used to help around the house. At one time he crossed his arms and told me he hated picking up!! I told him to stop acting like a 3 year old :) We now have a chart of who is in charge of what. So I do dishes and he does laundry….etc. We divide them up so they were more 50/50 and then on those days when he gets no sleep at all I do his laundry or chores for him and he does the same for me when something comes up. I am also prego with # 3 and I get so mad at my hubby even though he is a great guy and tries really hard I still get crabby and yell and him. That might be part of why he wants to go out. My hubby is trying to get a group of golfers together and start to do that (he has openly admitted that it is mostly because every time he is around me I get mad and yell at him) Poor guy !!! I think having to do more work around the house when you are not feeling that great does not help the mood any either. I hope I helped a little. I know for the first 5 years it seemed like we were really trying things out and trying to get on the same page with each other. We do really great not (except when I’m pregnant :)

I have the same issues that you describe but I feel like our roles are reversed. It's my husband who says I don't have time for him. Well, I'm a full-time employee, as well as mother, housekeeper and cook. Then when I get a moment of free time for myself then I have my husband looking for his time. Seems like there is just not enough hours in the day, Sometimes its just overwhelming. Somedays I lay down in bed totally exhausted and I can feel my husbands eyes on me and he is mad that I want to go to sleep. However, what we both love to do is travel so we take vacations together and that is "our time" and it sort of makes up for other stuff.
Is there something that you and your husband love to do together? find a hobby that you both enjoy and that could bring you together.

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