Is This Relationship Worth Giving up Everything I Want?? *Clarified Version*

DOnt give up what you want. When I was 19, I met a man that was a few years older then me. He was a wonderful man, he had a home, he had custody of his two boys( who I adored), he had a good job, and he was a great provider. We never fought, we had a great time, and he treated me well. But he didnt want anymore children, and I always wanted children. I loved him and he was wonderful except, it ment giving up my dream to have my own children. I chose to end the relationship on pleasant terms. I have since married, had 2 children and divorced. But I wouldnt trade my 2 children for anything in the world.

hello J., ok im sorry but you to need to come to a compermise. its not far that you should have to give up everything. you have to let him know that wanting more kids is not a faze. how far do you want to move? why doesnt he suddenly want to move? maybe you should go because he doesnt sound like he wants to give in to go or want the same things out of life. you seem to want more! its just not fair to you!!

J.,
In my opinion, no one can tell you what to do. I know you aren't looking for that really.

I do know myself and my life, that the longing of family and those values you hold dear do not go away. You will not outgrow wanting a large family, if that really is what you want.

Having a relationship and a husband is great, BUT it is soooo hard even when you are on the same page about things as serious as children, discipline, etc... But if this is an issue this early on and you aren't even to the alter yet....yes please think a lot about it. Some woman are ok with settling because their personality and that is great for them. I am a strong willed, stubborn person :-) and I could not give up my dreams for a man.

With that said I have been married for 10 years this Sept. We dated three years before that, and we now have two kids 8 and 4 years. Marriage is HARD, HARD HARD!! It is NOT the same as living together or even just sharing a child, although that would come closer.

Especially when children are already involved! If you choose to marry and decide you are unhappy...the kids will be too and so will your husband and it all trickles down to the kids.

I can't tell you what to do and would never want to. Just keep soul searching.... the answer will come to you. Be patient.

Blessings.
M.

If he loves you and you love him then you should be willing to compromise and find a middle ground, while I doubt I would be willing to give up all my dreams I knwo that none of my dreams are important without my fiance to share them with, that's what love is I want the things he wants and I want him to be happy and he wants the same for me. You already have 3 kids between you and that for most ppl is a large family, how many were you really thinking? and how much of you wnating more kids has to do with two of them not being yours? maybe he jsut doens't want to have to start all over witht eh kids so old, 6 years is a big gap between kids, maybe if you could agree on jsut one more nad then you could both be happy he would agree, but you need to be willing to bend and not just throw it all away. as for the move do it now if you are going to do it. the kdis are young it is easier, once they get old enough to have sports and friends that they hang out with all the time and such it gets harder for them to transition, but maybe it's more than teh school thing for him. do you guys have his kids or are they with their mom? and where does she live? it isn't fair to ask him to move far enough away from his kids that he woudl see them less, and what are your reasons fo rthe move? do you not like thje town or the house are you to far from your family is it somethign related to work, the why of this really matters, i don't beleive you should ever sacrifice love for a job, money isn't worth it, but if you want to be closer to your family or it's jsut a location thing then you can probally work it out so that you can both get what you want, most schools have open enrollment, so even if you move to the next town over or whatever you can drive them to and from school each day and they don'thave to move schools, there are options, you jsut have to both be willing to look at all of them and decide what is in the best intrest of the whole family. good luck and don't sacrifice everything but be willing to give a little, if you love him it is worth it.

The best thing anyone ever told me was never to settle. That has stuck with me all my life. You deserve to have everything you want in life. You have only one chance to live your life! But only you can decide what you want to give up. Good Luck!

M.

I am going to say no you should not give up the things you want. If you disscused this early on and he agreed then why has it changed. Maybe you guys can commpromise on some of the issues. Like as far as children maybe you guys can just have one thats is from you guys. Then you would have 4 and that would be it. Do you have to move out of the school district. Maybe you can find somewhere you can be happy and it still be in the school disrtict. You wouldn't want or really be able to move far because I am sure there our ex's that are the other childrens parents and that could be hard on everyone. I am going to say that if he isn't willing to compromise and its his way or nothing than that is not anyway to be in a relationship and if you give in yes you will always resent him for it and most likley you guys will always fight even if its not over this, small things will be big things because you will be holing this issue in and you could end up getting a divorce. If he loves you then sit down one night when the kids are in bed and try talking and work it out. Good luck

I ran into a very similar situation with my current boyfriend, only he told me he never wanted to have kids and that he never wanted to get married. It was a big deal for the first two years of our relationship and I thought I would be able to change his mind. When I told my friends about it, they all asked, "What are you going to do?" The only thing I could tell them was that he was more important than an unborn child and a ring on my finger. I love him dearly and I know that I would never be able to find someone like him again. He loves me and he loves my daughter. In my mind, it's not worth it to leave him and find someone willing to put a ring on my finger and give me a child, when I know in the long run, he will never make me as happy as Troy has.

Sweetie, if YOUR feeling this way then Im seriously suggesting that its NOT what you want out of life. I dont think your goin to be happy if your stuck here and with something you dont want. HE gave you FALSE Pretences in the beginning and that wasnt Fair to you at all. Quit frankly it was rude and cruel. I mean for him to make you think he wanted everytihng you did made it sound so perfect why not jump in right!!?? Exactly, and so you did..thinking thats what he really wanted too.
Sweetie if your wanting more kids in the future and want to move from the place you are then you are not ogin to be happy with yourself or anyone else so it will continue to be arguements.

Maybe you need to do what you want to do and spred your wings and do what you need to do with you and your son!

Im sorry and dont mean to sound as if im just like LEAVE Him and go, but he did give you false hope and that just wasnt fair.

If you ever need to talk or vent feel free to Message me

I don't want to get married and then...resent...

You have a "wonderful, perfect boy" and he has "a boy" and "a very precocious daughter".

Ouch. I think you are a lot more unhappy than you're admitting to yourself. Like you think things would be great "if only" you were both working towards... something? Anything? Are you full of dreams and goals and he's just working 9 to 5 and watching TV at night? Using the kids as an excuse not to move? They're a great excuse, truly, but I think you are starting to doubt him and want concrete validation that you have reason to - like things would be fine in the day-to-day but long-term you may end up missing out on a lot.

And I don't know where you're from, but I can say, as a non-native myself, this place doesn't really grow on you. You can tolerate it, but if you don't like it now, chances are you never will. After 10 years here, I'm less than thrilled.

Follow your heart - maybe you're having some guilt issues as well about breaking up a good relationship, hurting your fiance', son, and yourself, over some lost dreams when you feel you're otherwise treated well?

I don't know, I get the feeling you're barely scratching the surface of things that are really bothering you.

God bless, listen to your heart.

My name is H. and i am a mother of 3 boys,and also a wife. I just moved to defiance in july 2006. I have not grown to like it here yet. my best friend in washington state said somthing to me when i told her i wanted to move back home. so i will tell you what she said i think it will help you in your choices. Only you can make you happy...

You are right! You can't give up on things that you want in life because you WILL regret them later on. Anytime you guys would fight you would always think to yourself "what if". If he isn't willing to compromise at all then you either can just accept what you have, or you need to move on. You keep saying you want to leave this place. I am not sure how far away you want to go, but maybe he doesn't want to leave his children. Would you want to? If he moves away he would see them a lot less and maybe that isn't something he is willing to give on. It seems to me you guys have a lot of discussing to do before marriage. Don't be afraid to bring this stuff up because these are the same conversations every engaged couple has and they are very important. You should be very clear about what you want and what you are also willing to give a little on too. I know if I wanted more kids and my husband didn't it would be something that I could not accept, but maybe you can. I don't know the importance of things in your life and everyone's is different. Make it clear to him that if you guys really can't come up with a compromise that is good for the both of you (it really needs to be for both of you. One person should not be giving everything or they will regret the situation and want out of it at some point) or the relationship just won't be able to continue and grow. I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out for you!

Only you can decide if this relationship is worth it. I have a tendency to tell you to get out, because of my past experience. I stayed with a guy way longer than I should've when so many things were wrong. I just thought all relationships have problems. It turns out that when I did leave, I found the love of my life. I almost cry every time I think about how much I love him. We got married after only being together 5 months. Now we've been married almost 2 years and things are wonderful! Not to say we never argue, but it's nothing compared to with my ex. You also have to consider that the longer you stay with him, the more attached your kids will be, and the harder it will be for them to accept a new guy into your life.

Why should you give up your dreams? Isn't the person you marry and want to spend the rest of your life with supposed to want the same things. I have been in two relationships that are very similiar. Both times I have wanted a house and some kids and just someone that wants the same things that I want. If this guy was meant to be than he would want the same things you do. No guy is worth it if he expects you to give up your dreams. God has the perfect man out there for you. You just can't depend on this guy forevery.
J.

Although is a personal decision that you need to think really hard about, I think you would probably end up resenting the fact that you didn't get anything that you wanted and he didn't even seem to compromise in something, like more kids and staying here so he can also be near his kids.

Now, I'm not saying that you'll always get all you want, but you'll know it was your decision or a compromise after you both tried to worked it out and not just what he says goes, specially in very important things concerning your life.

Good luck with this decision, is a tough one!

The things you want out of life aren't unreasonable requests. Sure, relationships require compromise, but don't have this "happily every after" fantasy in your head when you know darn well he isn't going to budge. Do you want to look back 15 years from now, wondering why you're still in this area without kids of your own, just because you wanted to stay with your 'great guy'?

I'm not saying he's a bad guy...I mean, if I had kids who just started school and they were thriving I'd be extremely hesitant to uproot them and disrupt a great educational start too.

Decide what both of you want, and if you can find a way to make it work so that both of you are happy then work hard for it. But if your goals are too far apart, then he isn't the right guy for you (again, not saying he's a bad guy, just saying he's not a good match).

J.,

How would you feel if he wanted you to move away from your "wonderful, perfect" 6 year old son? You said that he implied he was willing to move away from his children. You also said you want to have more kids with him.???

First of all, I would not now be in a relationship with a man who, early in our relationship, told me that he was willing to move away from the children he brought into this world. He would have been gone long ago. In the first stages of your relationship, he is already willing to abandon his kids in order to make you happy? And you thought that was acceptable? He created them, and yet he is willing to move away from them to make you happy? It doesn't show a lot of character or committment to his children - do you think that somehow, he can or will be more committed to you and the children you create with him a few years down the road?

And his poor kids. You want to move him away and start a new family as if the children from his previous marriage / relationship do not exist? He'll see them on vacations or weekends or what? How terrible for them. I would have run the other way if a guy I just met or only knew for a short time was so willing to leave his children for me. But it seems as if he isn't willing to do that after all. Thank goodness.

You should move with your perfect little boy, if that is what you want to do. Leave him with his children. I'm sure this is not want you wanted to hear, and I usually do not respond to these messages, but reading this post blew my mind.

HI J.. It seems to me that you and your intended need to have some very serious talks. I wonder how far away you want to move!? If you want to move a half hour away and he is not willing to compromise, then he won't be willing to compromise in the future. However, if you want to move a few states away and he has to leave his children behind it is a different story. You shouldn't have to give up all of your dreams and he shouldn't have to give up his children. When it comes to having more children, I have no advice, we have four children and only one was planned. My husband says that each one came along in different ways and he loves them all the same.
I would suggest some pre-marriatal counseling for the two of you. He might be scared about getting married and it seems like you might be also. Best of luck.

the only advice i have is to invision yourself 30 years from now if you dont leave this relationship. will you have fulfilled your goals/dreams? or will you have daily resentment towards the man you are supposed to grow old with? if he is not willing to compromise with you, you might have to part ways. people can break up without hating each other. i know it is a much messier thing to leave your partner, especially with kids, than i am making it sound. but you really do need to imagine what your future holds for you if you cannot live out what you have worked so hard for.
or you can think about getting comfortable with raising the kids you have now and remaining in this area. who knows, your finace might decide in a few years that he too would like to get out of the area.

From the description you provided of your dilemma, I'd have to say you present a compelling reason to leave this relationship.

As part of this engaged couple, you've already compromised your goals to make this relationship work, and you're not happy. After two years, you still know that you want to leave the area and have more children, and in the same timeframe, your fiance has decided he wants the opposite. If you marry this man you WILL resent having to give up your desires to accommodate him. And you will give them up. The sitation your fiance is forcing you to live with is not known as a compromise. He is dictating the direction of your relationship and if you want to continue to be half of this couple, then you'll have to do things his way. I only question what else he'll make you give up in the future...

Is it worth it? Only you can answer that question, but I suspect you already have your answer. Marry him, and things can go one of two ways: (1) you will stay in the area with no more children for the rest of your life; or (2) you will get divorced and mourn the loss of the years you gave this man when you could have been following your dreams.

Breaking up will be difficult, but I believe that your real life is waiting for you somewhere outside this area. Go find it and make a better life for yourself and your son.

Best of luck to you.

hello J.,
what does caleb think of moving? dont forget, 6 yr olds come up with some good ideas and i know from past experience, he will appreciate u asking his opinion, it will make him feel very important and trusted. do u live with the fiancee? and just remember.... it will b easier for all the kids if u do decide to go for what YOU want outta life b4 a marriage u already start to question. if the kids feel the tension, and believe me...they do, a marriage will not b an easy thing for them, but a divorce will b harder. in this generation me...please please please consider the kids, all of the kids

J., If you want to move and have more kids then do it. Don't let this guys hold you back cause if you start now he will always hold you back from something. Yes in the beginning the men tell you things you want to hear then when it comes down to it the truth comes out. If he does not want kids and does not want to move is this the guy you want to be with? Don't look at the things he is great at look at what you want. there are other guys out there and if you move to a place you like and want to stay you might find a guy there who is just as great and who wants more kids. Follow your heart and dreams olny you can make them come true.
Good Luck D.

J.,

Please clarify this for the readers:
Are you asking your man to leave his kids behind to move with you?

OR

Are you asking him to bring his kids along, but that entails taking them out of their current school?

Thanks,
K.

I feel like if it was worth giving up everything...there would be no question, if this was the "one" you wouldn't have any doubts.

I do however agree about moving, you can't expect him to choose between you and his daughter...how would you feel if you were in his shoes?

I think if you fear you will resent these things in the future, then you probably will.

Sometimes dear there must be room for compromise. I understand your problems, really I do, My husband wants more kids, but I just DO NOT want to go through the hard pregnancy again. I have a 12 year old daughter (Asiah) and a 5 year old son (Kaelyb)**pretty neat huh??**

I do not know how old you are, but I do understand the "I am ALWAYS the one compromising" I am there, totally with you. I have given up SO many things that I wanted, including a career. I had a very rewarding job and quit to become a stay at home mom up until last year. I know have a low paying part time job that I do enjoy, but wish I had more hours. My husband is ALL about the mom staying home to raise the kids.

But ya know what? I am pretty happy. I have a part time job to "get away" and I also get to be home with my kids. He makes a decent income and we have faith in God to help us meet our needs, and believe me, we always feel we are being backed into a wall, but somehow, the Lord provides.

I have alot of compassion for you, I know what it is like to feel resentful.. I did a few years back, I DID NOT want a second child, and now, I am SO VERY GLAD I chose to.

I did cringe a bit when you made it seem that your son is "perfect" and his are not.

Honey, if my husband EVER said something about my daughter like that I would scream so loud, the Angels above would shrudder.

He is a WONDERFUL step father and he spoils her way too much, more so than our son together.

Babe, you need to lighten up a bit... your child, I am sure is sweet and good and all, but if you end up getting married to this guy, you MUST include his children as your own.. I mean that.

I had thought about moving out of the area, but, how would that affect my daughter? Not very well, I am sure. Sometimes we have to be Grown up" it sucks, big time!

I will pray for you, and I suggest you get down on your knees and pray for guidance from the Lord above. Read 1 & 2nd Corinthians, it will help you out alot!

I will keep you in my prayers.

Well there seems to be alot of advice here but I did stop reading after about 3 or 4.My whole thing is I agree with not settling.It is easy for people to tell you to grow up and to comprimise,but not so easy to tell you to move on.I am 34 a stay at home mom and happily married.The thing is both of us knew what we wanted in life when we got married.It was not always easy but if we were not on the same page we would not be together today.We were together on and off for 4 years before we wed it took time for us to be in the same place.You are still young and I really don't think settling on no more kids or not moving will help a marriage I REALLY believe you will resent him.What ever you decide try to way your options and think of your life 10 years from now with him and see if that is what is in your heart.Goodluck!