It Breaks My Heart.

I would strongly suggested that any mother with Girls read "Queen Bees and Wanna Bees". While I don't agree with all of it, there is plenty of help in there for parents and daughters.

I say let her find herself. I was a HUGE tomboy growing up which drove my family nuts and I had mainly guy friends. They all thought I would never be married or have children. Ironically, I was the 1st one married of all of my family and friends and have a wonderful daughter.

If she wants to dye her hair, what if you compromise and let her highlight it a little. I know this age is awful and girls can be sooo mean.

Also, I know it is easier said than done, but if she wants to try something after school and is worried about these other girls, I say she holds her head high and do the activities she wants. She may find that she bonds with someone else in the group.

Hope this helps.

Being a kid really sucks sometimes. My advice is tell her to join whatever clubs she wants. If some girl in that club doesn't like her, there are bound to be others in the clubs that will like her. And maybe the girl that doesn't like her will find out that she's not a loser but pretty cool/nice and become friends with her.
Please don't be offended by this but, does she dress the way kids dress today? If not, pick her up a couple of pieces that might help. I was a single mom so I know money can be tough but you can find some in style good deals at TJ Maxx, Ross, Marshals. Is she overweight? Is so, get her out there exercising. This will not only improve her health but her self confidence.
I wish you both all the best.

Hello
It's about that time for her to experiment/find herself so let her do so.
I remember going threw the perks of school and the clicks and things.She will find herself just keep tellinh her be yourself if they don't like you for you then they are the loser's.Just make sure you as her loving mother tell her she is beautiful in each and every way no matter what.she just has to understand we all go threw this sometime in life and as long as you love yourself and be you than that is what counts.

I'm only 25 and I can relate to her. School was hell for me. I think it was bad for everyone, even the "popular kids" because no matter what, nobody ever fits in with everybody. When I was going through the same thing, my mom REFUSED to let me do anything that wasn't "me." Oh don't get me wrong, she let me experiment a little bit, but she didn't allow me to do anything that would go against my beliefs in the long run or my families. I think the best thing you can do is explain to her that it gets better. It really does. When I finally figured out that people will either like me for me, or hate me for me, my self confidence went up. I began to make better friends, and be ok with not being the most poplular girl in school. If she really wants to go the goth route, I think that's ok too. Believe me, Goth really hit full force with my generation and regardless of what the sterotypes are for them, they are actually pretty down to earth, and surprisingly peace loving (at least in my area). Is she into Art, or reading or anything like that. Maybe if she dosen't want to join a sports team, she can find an afterschool art group, or reading group, or whatever. Well Best of luck, being a teen or almost a teen is so hard anymore, I can't even imagine how much harder it is now then when I was in school.

Yes. Let her find herself, but you having boundries isn't a bad thing either. I had kids that wanted to dye their hair. I chose not to let them. I told the girls it would ruin it. If they were 18 and wanted to, fine. I do have to say, I don't have a problem with kids wanting to do such a thing. I just wanted mine to be sure it's what they really wanted to do and not just something to follow. Turns out, they weren't sure. They only learn by trying to figure these things out.

I have a 14 year old that had been picked on for years. My 18 and 16 year old were picked on in elementary school, and my 12 year old still gets picked on (he has disabilities). My 10 year old seems to be "popular."

Kids are CRUEL! Parents aren't always much help. Sorry guys, but it's true. There is denial. "Not my Johnny or Susie!" There aren't very many consequenses for kids. Schools aren't supposed to let this happen, but they do. You know, there are anti-bullying laws on the books.

I found the key is communication. The older two found their own niches. I constantly worked with Keyah to let her know these other children weren't important in the grand scheme of life. We taught her how to stick up for herself, appropriately. It isn't easy for sure. It is a long, arduous process, but it has paid off. She is now a freshman, and empowered.

I wish I had pages and pages to type to you. I would love to tell you about Tanner (12). We are working so hard with the schools and holding them accountable for how our children are treated on their watch. No excuses. They have a VERY hard job, we know, but Acedemics aren't the only things that are important between their walls.

She sounds like ME at her age! Exactally like me...and you know what, I am a very sucessful adult, married, lots of fantastic friends, with a child of my own! I can understsand how hard it is on you though. My suggestion is to find her something outside of school. Some kind of club or class...sports, art, photography, whatever. She will meet other girls outside of the school setting, and may find a passion. I think every child needs a passion when they hit that age. Something they LOVE to do. It will make school more bearable and she will make friends who aren't going to listen to the stereotypes. As far as the hair, if you can talk her out of it, great, otherwise, you have to let her find herself, but I guess that is what finding a passion is too, finding yourself but in a more constuctive way. When she goes to high school, all the stereotypes will dissolve and she can reinvent herself. Good luck!

Dori is so correct. Let her experiment, but with in bounderies. I was the girl that got picked on during those years. Her pain I can feel. But she needs find and to be herself. I was 5'9" in 6th grade. I was teased, taunted, attached, etc. Keep communication going with, she needs that. I didn't and went to extremes, like 14ear piercings, dying my hair platinum and purple, and shaving half my head in middle school and early high school (it was late 80's- early 90's) . But eventually I learned what I truely liked for myself. I changed constantly but it was my own flair, and not what the norm was. Eventually because of the confidence I had in myself, even the ones that once taunted became friends. I wish my mother would have been easier to talk to about it and help me, for the ordeals effected my grades for a while. That and being grounded a lot didn't help either :)
The idea about a stylist is great. Any sudden changes will get teased too, like she's trying to hard or giving them ammo for taunts. Even just start by taking her browsing to see what things are out there , but she needs to look for what she is comfortable in. She needs to be comfortable in her own skin, not what she thinks the world wants to see her look like. If her idea doesn't match what she thinks they want to see, and she keeps getting taunted anyways that can be heartbreaking too. I eventually found my friends in other places. Also, to many goth/ freeky things leave permanant scarring (ie piercing etc.)
But one thing I did learn was creativity, my friends were some from before, but many came from a more artsy side.
And tell her this story for me. In 7th grade while standing for the bus, one boy kept messing with my hair, throwning things at me (long normal blond hair at the time)in front of over 20 kids at the bus stop. I was trying to hold back the tears at the taunts and laughing. A hot highschool boy (old friend of my brothers) walked over, picked him up by his shirt and started shaking him. "What is wrong with you, leave her alone. Let me tell you, a few yrs from now this girl is going to be a beauty your going to be begging this girl to date you." And threw him to the ground. By senior year HS and the next he spent many many times trying to get me go out with him and I got the satisfaction of turning him down and embarrasing him in front of his "friends".
All in all after this long note, encourage her to be herself and find herself but with open communications, help from you, and paced. Show her pictures of you at the age, we all look back and say "what was I thinking!"

aww thats the worst when that happens. I am 14 years old and I went through that last year in 7th grade, so I understand how she feels. I had such a hard time finding myself and i was trying so hard to find myself. I've learned that finding the right friends and people that i can be myself around really helped me a lot. I've also learned that clicks dont matter. My mom has helped me to with this stuff. She says that girls that dont like other girls because of the way they are , are girls who are insecure with themselves and find that when they put other people down and call them names and say nasty things about them, it brings their confidence and self esteem up. Kristina, girls like them , arent worth giving up YOU and who YOU are,just to be friends with them. just find yourself, and the people who like you for who YOU are, they are what I call True Friends. Also, get involved in school activities. you can find new friends that like the same thing u might like. I'm in softball and band and ive met pretty much ALL of my friends from those two activities.

She is trying to find herself. When I was that age, I wasnt cool but I wasnt geeky. We didnt have gothic in my school at that time. I had a hard time fitting into either of the groups. I had 2 really GREAT friends that 1 was 1 month older than me but in the next grade up. The other was a year younger than me and in the lower grade. I hung out with only those 2 girls. My Dad told me when I was young that I will be able to count my TRUE friends on 1 hand. You know, he was right and I didnt use all of my fingers either. If she has a true friend now, That is all she needs. It is hard, I understand where she is coming from. If she doesnt have that friend yet, let her experiment. She'll know when she finds a real friend. Also, the cool chicks are too hard to keep track of. You have to have so many of this and a certain color of thst. They smile to your face and talk behind your back. I havent had to go thru this yet with my almost 6 yr old. But I know it will be soon. Your daughter will be okay. There is a no bullying law in my daughters school. She should have 1 in hers. Talk to the principal and let her know that you wont stand for it. you want something done. Take care of yourself and tell youi daughter to take care also and keep her chin up.
K.

My daughter went through similar problems at that age. The only thing I can offer is that now she has more friends than I can keep track of. It's just a period of time where the kids are all trying to find themselves and figure out where they fit. Sometimes, unfortunately, it results in others alienating certain people they feel may not be perceived as cool and will ultimately reflect on them as not being cool. Which could explain why girls who were once her friends now appear to have turned against her. I don't think it hurts, to a certain extent, for her to want to experiment with her appearance like her hair color to fit in, just so long as she realizes that she shouldn't have to change herself for others to like her. My daughter is 15 and recently died her hair black. Most of her friends do it too, but she liked the idea and I think it was more for fun than anything. But I think you were on the right track in asking if it was for others or herself. It is heartbreaking. I used to think my daughter was going to go through high school with this lonely outsider existence, but it does change. The best you can do is be as supportive as you can while she goes through this phase.

You used the words "try to find herself," but it seems she's trying more to find other people she can relate to. What about your social structure closer to home? Do *you* have any friends who have kids her age, even if they don't live close by? Are there activities out in the community that don't align directly with the school? If she experiences a social structure beyond school, maybe she will develop more confidence in herself to help her deal with the people at school.

If she is talking about being goth and you don't mind the fashion statement, maybe you could talk to the parents of the goth kids she is relating to. They weren't born goth, and it will give you a better idea of who your daughter is actually befriending. You will have a better idea of what she likes about these people, as well as be sure that these kids didn't experience *serious* problems that steered them toward dark attitudes.

Good Luck: )

If it gets that bad you can go to the school and have them intervene. I encourage you to let her explore herself, and try new things. Dying her hair is a lot less harmful than doing drugs. I always told my mother that when one of my sisters wanted to do something. Find other things or other people for her to hang out with. If she has a talent than play that up.

I just read your request today (after you already have many responses and spoke with your daughter) but I just wanted to say, it breaks my heart too! Really kids can be so mean sometimes, well not just kids, people can be so mean! But it is especially upsetting when children are involved. So many of the images portrayed in the media today send the wrong message about how to treat others and how to act as a young adult. I would try to get your daughter involved in some activities where she can make some good friends (they don't have to be through school) and even though it is hard, if she is confident in herself eventually people will like her for who she is :)

I do have to say that I see this type of thing everyday. I teach 8th and 9th grade girls. I see all those clicks and sometimes I'm surprised. I have seen a girl that dresses similar to the goth style be very good friends with a girl that dresses in the popoular or preppy style.
I hope that your daughter will get into extracurricular activities. There is always going to be someone that doesn't like you for some reason or another. That's just life. But hopefully those that like her will outweigh the dislikes so she can enjoy herself. Hope this helps a little...Good luck

M.,

Love your name, btw.

Let your daughter experiment and find out who she is and wants to be. She is entering the hardest years of her life. If she wants to try dying her hair, let her. i had a green and purple Cindi Lauper checkerboard in the side of my head as a teenager. My parents weren't too happy about it, but it let me express who I was at the time.
She will find her niche and settle in well. If she is having problems at school, try having a parent/teacher conference. Maybe that will help, especially if the parents of the other girls do not seem intereted.
I think all you can do is be there for her and support her in the decisions she makes as long as they are not ones that will harm her or anyone else.

Best of luck.

hi i am so sad for you and your 12 yr old daughter. kids are very mean today and there is really no way to control them. i am now 33 yrs old and 6 foot tall. i have always been tall and used to be way to skinny. {if skinny was only my reality now haha} with being so tall i was teased very bad. everyone told me to play basketball because of my height and i rebelled just because.i remember finding what made me feel good so believe it or not i became a cheerleader. my support group was great also i had a older sister who looked out for me and would stick up for me in school when ever i needed it. i remember my mom telling me that everyone is different and only i could love myself for my differences. it starts there within your self you daughter is of an age old enough where you could have a talk with her and reinforce to her how special she is how beautiful she is and how successful she will someday be. help her focus on future goals. i know it may sound silly but some children at a young age know what they want to become in the future in regards to profession. she needs direction in reference to a hobby. does she like to draw , does she enjoy childcare? maybe an afternoon babysitting job. does she have a sensitive heart? maybe do some volunteering for the elderly at nursing homes and make weekley visits twice a week for a hour a day. not all the elderly have families that visit frequently. these are just a few suggestions. i know its tough now adays and especially with girls. they tend to be more mean than boys. it is alot different now then when i grew up. scary thing is my baby girl is not even 2 yet and i wonder what she will be exposed to. good luck and remember we can never tell our children we love them too many times. sincerly
H. l

I know exactly what your going through. Like your daughter mine talks to me as well, so we have that to be thankful for. My daughter went from being the most popular last year to everyone hating her. I asked what she had done to everyone, and she said nothing. At this age they want to impress everyone, and to fit in (as they call it). I've let my daughter experiment with her hair to a certain level. She came home the other day and wanted red or black highlights and I told her no. She has long blonde hair as well, and I may let her do the red, but definetily not black. Black will ruin their hair. I know it's heart breaking, but just keep encouraging your daughter and eventually she will see that she is beautiful, and has plenty of friends. I think it's better to have one best friend than 20 others, because that's where the drama starts. You are doing a wonderful job so just keep doing what you have been. Hopefully for both of us this will pass.
Wyonette

I have two stepdaughters, 12 and 15, who both go through the same thing, but they don't really talk about it. To try to look at the bright side, at least your daughter is open with you and you don't have to guess what is wrong with her. That is definitely a good start. The most important thing is to be positive, encourage her to be the person SHE wants to be and not what others want her to be, but if that is what she wants, I say let her. Both my stepdaughters WERE blonde until a few months ago. They didn't go totally black, but it is a lot darker now. It isn't that bad, and it doesn't harm anybody. That must be the new thing ~ it used to be that blonde was popular ~ guess not anymore. I know I had a really punky haircut in HS, and it didn't change the person I was inside. This is such an awkward age, and kids can be so cruel. Just be there for her, and let her know every day what a winner she is.

Hi M.,
I have the same problem with my 11 year old daughter thats going to Mid Valley. She constantly tells me no one wants to be her fried, and the soppose it friends she has, one day they are friends and the next day they're not. I tell my daughter to just be herself, if the girls don't want to be friends with her, they're missing out on a very nice person and to heck with them. Talking to the parents doesn't work, I've tried it and it a waste of breath. She just need some more confidence and to be herself. It seems to work with my daughter. Let me know if it works for you.
C. C

awww...don't we all wish we could be there for our children when they need support, expecially when dealing with the fact that they don't fit in. I, too, never really fit in at that age. Tough age. I have a son who is turning 14...he is one of the popular boys in his class. I talk to him all the time about how he treats the less than popular kids. Peer pressure is what its all about. Plus I have a 10 year old boy who is the complete opposite. Stays to himself and away from the boys who pick on him.
If your daughter believes changing her looks will help her face the day, why not try some of the "color rinses" first. Maybe she could choose a dark red/brown, something that can be washed out with shampoo. Another thought could be to just dress in black with a black scarf to cover her blonde hair, that might do the trick. I wish you the best....reliving those years are just as hard on you as they are on her.

Please dont loose hope, even if she does dye her hair black, to fit in, soon enough she will find herself. My little sister Grace was very much into punk-Goth, or watever its called. When she was growing up, she was the sweetest little girl with blond curls you ever saw, she had a very bubbly personality, when i was growing up, i went to a private religious school, and i never had to deal with the clicks as much...they were there, but not nearly as obvious as in public school. Grace was put into public schoolin 6th grade, my parents had split up, and we had moved from the house id grown up in.
Immediately there was a very obvious change in Grace, she took the divorce very hard, She became very involved in goth, and hung blankets over her bedroom windows, she had a doll hanging from her ceiling with a noose on its neck, she dyed her hair black and started to dabble in witchcraft. We were very concerned.
She did find a few friends, and as she grew older, she mellowed out, and slowly the darkness faded from her. Please try to find something to inspire her, wether its music, poetry, find out what "turns her inner light on" when you see her talk about something and her whole demeanor changes, as if a light has gone on inside, then find a way to be there with her when she does whatever it is.
She wants to feel loved, and special, and right now she is feeling rejected. Please let her find herself, if you let her know you will allow her to do whatevr she needs to do to find the beautiful young lady that is so obvious to you, she will at least have you to turn to when she is down or hurt. Remind her that no matter what the world thinks she will always be your little girl, and please dont be embarrased by her that will only cause to drive a wedge between you
Ps now my little sister is 18, and a possitively radiant young lady. She graduated in the top of her class with honors, and after only 4 months at her first job, she was promoted. and even though it is hard to get out of your hair, the black dye will fade, and her hair will grow out. Stay calm mom, you can do this.

I know just how you feel. My middle child is 14. She too went throught his stage. It was hard because she is so quiet and shy to begin with. Kids at this age are so darn cruel. I began slowly by letting Amber do small things...she died her hair black....I was desperate for her to be happy. We Bought the designer clothes ( hard on one income) one piece here and there. And you know what? It made no difference. It was hard, but we had to be patient and let the other girls see she was fun and out going too. SO....I had a cook out sleep over and we invited a few girls over....AMber now has alot of friends,,,,because they took the time to see who she was really was inside.

I remember trying to fit in to have friends. I say let her experiment as long as it doesn't hurt her (hair grows back or can be re-dyed) and by experimenting she might find out there is something out there she likes but didn't know about.

Hi M.,

I don't have much advice, but I can empathize with you. I remember that age being so difficult. As a mother of two little girls, I am dreading the school years when girls can be so cruel. It will break my heart when someone is mean to one of my girls. I would just talk to your daughter as much as possible and let her know that it will get better. I would also ask any other female role models in her life (cousins, aunts, friends of yours) to share their experiences. I'd bed that almost every woman can relate to being an insecure middle schooler (even the "popular kids" have insecurities). I bet these girls are jealous of her. People pick on others when they are uncomfortable with something inside themselves. I would encourage her to experiment with her look in moderation (i.e. don't go buy her a new goth wardrobe if that is not who she really is). Also, maybe she can enroll in some activities or sports outside of school to meet friends from different schools. Maybe that would give her the confidence to enroll in a school activity in the future. In time, she will find herself.

Ok,I'm a mother of a 16 year old high schooler,and I've decided to go to her to ask advice for situations like this and having been through and seen this happen. She said that you shouldn't have to change your appearance to fit in with people,you should be able to act like yourself and not have to worry about people judging you.The idea of not being able to be involved with school activities because one of the girls who "hate" her is in the group is ridiculous.Usually with clicks such as these,there is one girl who is the leader and persuades the others to think a certain way.If you can change the minds of one of the girls and make it so that they have their own opinion of you,that person can persuade the minds of others.My daughter has an array of friends due to her involvement with Marching band,and other school clubs,from the supposide "band geeks" to the "popular" kids. She acted herself and gained respect because of that, even after switching school districts and being in a different enviorment.It goes to show that you don't need to change your appearance and the way you feel to gain friends.

My little guy is only 6 months old, so I don't really know what you're going through, but I wanted to write anyway. Maybe your daughter could join some activities that are outside of school, dance classes, ice skating. Or do a little volunteering. I work at St. Josephs Center, and volunteers are always welcome. It could help her make new friends. These girls are probably picking on her because they need someone to pick on. She's the target right now. I don't think you should let her dye her hair black. But, maybe, if you can afford it, you could take her and have a consultation with a stylist, and she can do something new with her hair. Nothing like a new hairdo to help a girl feel better about herself. And, from what I saw, she really has no reason to feel bad about herself, she's not the one making other people feel bad. Remind her that what goes around comes around, and I'm sure all the girls that are tormenting her now will also have her day. Let me know if you are interested in volunteering (for your daughter) I'd be glad to help. --T.

american girl make quality short books that get down to their level and talk about friends, emotions, middle school, boys, etc. i just got the friendship one for my 9 year old at target because she is starting to have friendship issues that are worrying her.
it gives her a perspective that is not from a parent or another girl, and she can talk about it with me or her friends if she needs to. of course, i would follow up anyway, but it is there to help guide the way.
does she like sports? that is always a good outlet and usually the girls in sports were easier to get along with (at least that worked for me) or even a church group. you can always find good kids and good families that way. your daughter can find her way doing these things, and it's not so drastic as black hair.

Remind your daughter that a true friend will accept her for what she is.