I've Known This Good Friend for over 20 Years and She Say's This to Me!

i don't see the issue. apparently you gave her the impression that you are having trouble in your marriage, that you are unhappy, etc. you even said you were TRYING not to tell her too much- which is unusual for you. so she was very honest and said she'd like to get together, but she doesn't know how things are with you two. what's the hangup? she didn't say, "if your marriage isn't perfect you're not invited." she doesn't want to invite you into an awkward situation if your marriage is on the rocks. sounds to me like she couldn't even really tell if you would enjoy being in the same room with him. a simple, "maybe it's not as bad as i made it seem, we're working on things, it's okay." would have been sufficient. don't overthink this. you have been friends for 20 years. why the suspicion and attempt to find hidden nefarious intent??

after reading your swh, it seems you are ignoring the common sense we are all advising and determined to see judgment where none of us feels there is any. i would suggest this is a sign of your anxiety issues - if you are seeing a counselor, talk to them. every single person here is saying this is a non-issue and you still want to take offense. you are choosing to make this a fight when it doesn't have to be. that is your choice. i'm always disappointed when someone comes here and "seemingly" asks advice...but already has their mind made up no matter how many people advise them otherwise. kind of a waste of our time and attempts to help, isn't it?

after your "new" SWH- i am done. you are twisting this and making excuses for yourself - that's not anxiety and depression. that's being self absorbed and stubborn. you are wrong in this situation. get over it. accept it. grow the hell up. it is not her fault, nor is it ours. sounds like you just like to create drama and then boohoo about how awful your life is. have fun with that. you are 40 years old with three children? yikes.

oh and PS (i'm sure you won't read this but i'm saying it anyway) not ONE person was unkind to you. PLEASE make good on your dramatic tantrum, and indeed, DON'T "put yourself out there" here again. that'd be great. thanks.

I think you took this WAY out of context. She doesn't want to impose on our marriage, in my opinion. If you aren't doing well, perhaps she feels like it would be uncomfortable for you two to join them out. I would NOT want to ask out a couple to dinner or out, if I knew very well they were on bad terms. I really just think she didn't want things to be awkward for you guys, and she didn't want to to create a situation where you felt obligated. I HAVE been out with a couple, that I didn't know were on bad terms. Wow. That was so awful for everyone involved. If I had known, I wouldn't have gone out. I don't mind going out with a girlfriend, but I don't like going out with couples who fight or are on the rocks. It just never turns out well. I think she was talking about you as a COUPLE, and not you as an individual.

She was not judging you, rather she is worried about creating an uncomfortable situation for all. You should tell her that you are going through a rough patch, but still OK, and still comfortable to go out together. Make sure you really ARE comfortable and OK with each other. Otherwise, it will be miserable for everyone.

Talk to her and get a clarification. Why on earth would you end a 20 year friendship, over something like this? You don't even know what she meant!!!!

I'm not following - she says she'd love to go out, but didn't know how things were going? How is that offensive? Should she have said something different?

I don't understand. There has to be more to this story. "I would love to get together with you but I don't know if you and your hubby are doing well." She said that before or after you shared? This just doesn't make sense to me.

I urge you to talk with her about how you feel. I suggest that you got a different message than what she intended. Ask her what she meant, first. If you're still feeling hurt, tell her you're hurt and why using I statements. Tell her you want to get together with her.

Perhaps life at your house is tense and it may be she doesn't want to spend time with you and your husband??? I avoid fighting couples and families but I still see my friend who's having that difficulty.

You've made some very big assumptions based on one statement. You need to clarify what she meant.

After your SWH: Now that I know she's dealing with depression, I suggest that you look at what she said from her point of view. I suggest that her comment may not have anything to do with you and is not judgmental. She may have been saying that she's thinking she might not be able to be around the two of you because of her depression now that she knows that you two are having difficulties.

You feel that you and your husband present a good face when out with other people but she will know that all is not OK. I have difficulty with depression at times and I tend to spend less time with couples who have tension running under the surface.

I'm sorry, waaaaay over-thinking.

:(

You are over analyzing her comment.
No one is judging you.
She wants to keep getting together with you - without husbands if you are not comfortable with yours being there - or WITH husbands if you can have a good time with him being there.
She's leaving that choice to you - which is very friendly and nothing to feel hurt about.
Are you creating an excuse to pull away?

Good grief. You've been friends with the woman for 20 years. Call and talk to her about what she meant and how it made you feel. How have you gotten through 20 years of friendship without figuring out how to do this?

She was giving you an out. Sorry if I"m reading this wrong but you sound like a bit of an emotional basket case. I tiptoe around my basket case friends too. She didn't want to be pushy. I don't even understand what you are upset about. But to answer your question, yes, you should always clarify with friends when they say something hurtful or perceived as hurtful and ask what they meant by it so you don't carry unnecessary grudges.

When I was going through some tough times with my ex-husband, I would not have been chagrined to hear a friend say that to me. What I would have assumed my friend was saying was "do you want want to do a 'couples' something or a 'just you and me' something?"

We don't know what exactly you said to your friend in regard to your husband. If my girlfriend was completely POed with her husband, I might assume that she might want to go out, just the two of us. Likewise, she may not want to be treated to an evening of 'two spouses in an unhappy moment'. That's not unusual. Maybe she was trying to be sensitive and you took it wrong? Like I said, I don't know what your concern/complaint about your husband or marriage was, but perhaps she is trying to defer to what YOU wanted to do. I don't know.

I do know this-- my thick-n-thin friends are always approachable, and if I start with a "I was confused the other day when you said XYZ.... What did you mean by that?" I'd likely get a good answer. Friends aren't perfect, they aren't always marvelously articulate-- but they usually do care enough to want to clear up any understanding. My guess is that you *may* feel that she is judging you and she *may* feel that she's trying to be considerate and to give you and your husband space. Personally, I wouldn't relish the idea of going out for an evening with a couple who was having marital problems. It's incredibly uncomfortable for *everyone*.

I think you may be taking it wrong? Maybe she meant that since you guys are having difficulties (not doing well) that maybe you wouldn't be up for socializing. A lot of people (like me) tend to isolate during tough times and would rather not have to socialize and "pretend" things are Ok. So, maybe she was assuming that. I can't imagine anyone saying that to a friend or even an acquaintance. That's the kind of stuff you think to yourself and then never call them again, but don't actually say it! Lol.. I would talk to her, and ask her, "what did you mean, you'd like to get together but you don't know, cause hubby and I aren't doing well?" I'd have to know for sure before blowing off a 20 yr friendship. Sometimes things aren't as bad as they seem ;)

I agree with everyone saying that you probably misunderstood her comment. Anxiety and depression can lead to an 'expect the worse' mindset, so innocent comments can be misread as insults or judgements. Since we're 'judging' ourselves for feeling the way we do, we expect others to do the same thing to us.

The way I read her comment was "I know that you're going through a hard time and I understand that you might need to spend more time alone with your husband while you're working things out". I think she was trying to tell you to contact her when you're ready to get together, not that she doesn't want to see you at all. Or as others suggested, she doesn't want to put you in an awkward position by asking you to get together as a couple with her and her husband. Honestly, I didn't even understand how her comment could be insulting at all until I read your SWH and you explained how you took it.

I think you should call your friend and talk to her about this. My guess is that she'll be surprised that you were worried about this at all. But she if she did 'dump' you for sharing your feelings with her after 20 years of friendship, then she's never really been your true friend.

It sounds to me like she was asking you if it was OK to invite you and your husband to dinner together. You could respond "You know, an evening out with friends might just be what we need right now." Or you could say "Things really aren't going so well, I don't know if we are up to being social together." I recently had a friend go through a divorce, and during the time leading up to the divorce an invitation out to dinner with friends as a couple would have been very awkward for everyone involved. They were still trying to "keep up appearances" as a couple so they would have accepted the invite, but were in no shape to be out socializing together. When they tried to go out socially it was a disaster. I don't think you should be hurt. Just communicate with her.

I agree with the moms who say she was unsure if a "fun night out" in your world, at this time, included your husband or not. She was trying to be we sensitive about your free time/how it's spent.
I'll bet she was wondering if your (probably pretty) limited free time was (right now) "me" or "me and friend" time rather than "date with spouse and another couple" time since you just got done confiding about some marital issues.

I don't think she was judging - it didn't sound that way, but at the same time, depending on what you are sharing with her about the relationship, she may be unsure of how comfortable it would be to invite the both of you over. Which is rational. It sounds like she IS your friend, but maybe she's not your HUSBAND's friend, which is also fine, and that she is comfortable spending time with you. If the dynamics with your husband are really bad, it could be seriously exhausting for her. Or maybe she isn't comfortable with conflict and worries about that.

Try to step back re. the judging thing - I don't think that was the case. But let her know that you enjoy spending time with her,and maybe just ask why it makes her uncomfortable. She may have a valid reason, or she may not want YOU to be uncomfortable having to be "nice" if the hubby is being "not nice".

1) I agree with absolutely everyone else in that comment sounds like a kind solicitation of GETTING together, on your terms (couples or girls only) or of you needed family only time not dragging you out. A kindness, not a judgement.

2) Best friends aren't "everyone". There is a hierarchy of information sharing. Treating your closest friends like aquaintences ... Probably isn't what your counselor intended. You don't "owe" your personal business to anyone, but if there is ANYONE to be open & honest with, its your inner circle.

3) ending a 20 year friendship over one comment sounds like an overreaction. To say the least.

4) I don't subscribe to the thick&thin paradigm... I believe its unhealthy... But if YOU do: that cuts both ways. She opens mouth & inserts foot (maybe, as you've seen, over 20 people think she was trying to be kind, not cruel) & you drop her like a hot coal? Where is the thick & thin in that? Especially, if as you say, she's newly dealing with depression. She's with you through years of depression & anxiety, and the first time she's struggling with the same (and perhaps not being as energetically caring as you're used to her being)... And "How could she do this to me?!?!"

Sweetie.
Take a step back & a few deep breaths.
And don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

Mom:

Here's my take - you shared something with her - it must have been about finances or just that you and your husband aren't on a crest right now but in a "trough" and she didn't know if you guys could afford a night out or get together or there might be too much tension between the two of you to have a good time - depending upon what the issue(s) is/are.

Please take a step back and look at this from another perspective. Do NOT toss a friendship of 20+ years down the drain because you are hurt or feeling judged.

I have had my best friend for 37 years, this December. I cannot tell you how many times I've been hurt or she's been hurt or upset. It's life. Yes, we say things to each other - that's because we know each other so well. Please take the time to tell her how you feel. Use "After our last conversation, I FEEL Judged by you" let her know how you feel.

Good luck!

I think you are overly sensitive right now and taking it the wrong way. Nothing she said is offensive in and of itself; she was kindly asking if it was a good time to get together based on what you've shared with her. Also, I'm never one to share the ins and outs of my relationship w/ my husband with my friends, or family for that matter. What we have is private. It's a very natural tendency for those who love you to be on YOUR side when you tell them possibly negative things going on in your relationship. People will forever remember the relationship struggles you've gone through and *could* hold it against your spouse. Know what I mean? Share those things with your therapist, not your friends/family. That's always worked for me.

Please do not let your own sensitivity at this time end up depriving you of an old and good friend.

Her statement could have meant many things, including "I don't want to upset you by doing stuff socially that includes your husband right now."

If you two are old friends, why would you put the most negative possible spin on what she said, rather than assuming the best of her rather than the worst? Give her the benefit of the doubt.

It sounds to me as if possibly she was trying to be considerate towards you -- not saying "I am rejecting you socially because you have marriage issues." But you are choosing that interpretation. That's the key word -- choosing. You can make a different choice: Assume the best, not the worst. What she said was fairly vague and could be taken many ways. You do not ever indicate how she listened to you -- was she attentive to what you said? Nodded or otherwise indicate she was hearing you, and sympathetic? And it was SHE who asked about how you were, not you initially volunteering information. She wanted to know because...she's your friend.

You could end up cutting off a good source of support if you blow up at her and dump the friendship. Please try to step back from your strong emotions and reflect for a minute first. And the fact she is depressed --? How did your respond to her on that? She may be in exactly your position right now, wondering how you could have responded to her depression news better....Your mind is on your own problems, as it would be for any of us, but have you stopped to think that your old friend might right now be thinking, "Wow, I told M. that I'm depressed but she doesn't seem concerned or interested...."

As others have noted -- TALK to her instead of fuming over this. If you don't talk to her, you'll brood on it and the "insult" will grow bigger and bigger in your mind when it may not have been an insult at all.

The fact she's "stern" and doesn't show a lot of emotion means it was probably very difficult for her to admit to you that she is depressed -- Can you see how that was tough for her? You shared advice etc. and that's great, but can you see how it would be hard for her to respond ideally to your own issues if she's strugging with something like that?

Lesson learned... friends ARE there for you, but they can't "forget" what you have told them over the years. If you've shared every detail of your marital troubles with her, then she is going to believe that there are issues in your marriage.

No one wants to go out with people who are angry with eachother. It makes for a terrible night and an awkward situation for the other couple. My husband and I had a terrible fight (years ago) and were supposed to go to a friend's house for dinner (one of 4 couples). I called and canceled because we weren't speaking to one another and no one else needed to feel uncomfortable because of our disagreement.

Really think about what you've shared recently. If you are going through a bad period in your marriage, with your finances... whatever... she knows and doesn't want to be put in a bad spot.

Don't say anything to her about it. We all judge others. She isn't necessarily "judging you", she's making an assumption about your marriage based on what you have shared.

Stop the over-sharing. The details of your marriage should ALWAYS stay within your marriage.

Nah, she is just hurt that you kept it all in and didn't share if you had such long friendship. I would apologize to her and let her know you did'nt want to burden her with your issues because you were doing self evaluation and thought you don't need to tell everything going on. It's not about what you shared that she judges, its the fact you held back.

That is a strange comment to end with, I wonder if there is a misunderstanding? Was she talking about getting together with just you or with you and your hubby? Spending time alone with you shouldn't be affected by your relationship, unless she feels that she doesn't enjoy the time because it revolves around your issues, in which case I would be offended.

I would bring it up and clear the air. Maybe she was being thoughtful and didnt' want to make plans with you and your husband if it might be uncomfortable for you. Or maybe it was a passive way of saying she doesn't want to listen to your problems anymore??

I would definitely find out for sure before ending the friendship.

On a side note, I've had good friends with very many issues, and every get together sort of revolved around their issues, some of which were only issues in their eyes, most were over dramatized. It does wear on a friendship sometimes. Although I feel like I'm a good listener and want to be supportive to my friends, it can be stressful.

Sometimes you just need to get together with a friend and relax, enjoy yourself, and not feel like Dr. Phil.

Perhaps your friend has things going on too but doesn't feel like she can talk about them. I feel that way with some of my good friends, like they are too stressed to be bothered talking about my problems.

Just a thought though, definitely get to the bottom of it.

Well I don't know your whole relationship with her, but you said you trusted her, so maybe ask? I have a friend that zings me sometimes and I always just took it, finally my husband told me to just ask her what was up the next time. So I did, and I did found out she wasn't trying to zing me. So I am all for communication, If you care for her, why not ask her what she meant? Good luck!

Hey Mama! I think you are going through a stretch where things are hitting harder then might otherwise be the case. I have gone through that too. You mentioned church so you sound spiritually minded. I would pray like crazy for peace in your heart. You deserve it. If your friend did say something judgemental, and I am not sure she did, pray to feel some grace for her.

You're over thinking it. Let it go. She said nothing that negative. She wants to go to dinner with you but wasn't sure of your marital status. End of story.

This type of overanalyzing, sensitivity, overreacting, insecurity will make it very hard for you to make and keep healthy relationships with other people. You're creating issues and drama that dont' exist. I hope you are getting help for your issues.

You are reading too much into this. Maybe a therapist can help you process why you feel this way. Maybe she's just noting that given what you've said, now might not be a good time for whatever activity; and it might not be. I wouldn't be upset. Just explain that now is either an ok time or not and consider a raincheck on a couples event.

If you could have thought on your toes, you could have said "Well, we've gone out with you guys even though you told me about this and that about your marriage. I'm there for you through thick and thin and haven't let it dissuade me from being there for you."

Instead of telling her how you feel about her words to you, instead, call her up and invite her for a specific night to go do a specific thing with you and your husband. Wait for her to say it again. Then be prepared, even if you have to write it down to read over the phone. That lets her know how you feel but this way is actually more productive, because then she doesn't have a leg to stand on. Either she admits that she isn't being fair, or she lets you know that she can bellyache to high heaven but you can't.

I will say that you should not talk to her about your depression or your marriage anymore. People like her never understand pits and valleys until it hits them. Two years of marriage and one child is far different from 13 years and 3 kids. She is a bit stuck up right now and arrogant. You can forgive that in a friend, Mom, but you learn from it and don't make the mistake again.

If that is her statement, perhaps she is needy. My mother always said misery loves company.

You don't need to share "your information" with anyone and you shouldn't. There is a difference with being concerned for someone and the need to know.

I have shown concern for plenty of people without prying. I usually tell them up front, I don't need to know details, but I am concerned about you.