I just found out that my husband of 8+ years has been cheating & has been dishonest w/ me for many years...pretty much our entire relationship. I caught him cheating in the past & thought we had worked through it and grew from it. He is really a wonderful person in so many other ways. We always communicate well, are very loving and affectionate to each other and have a great relationship otherwise. But he continued to lie to me many times and has had sexual experiences w/ a bunch of people. He knew that if he chose to do this again, that I would not take it any more. He says he thinks he has a sexual addiction (surely he does b/c addiction means something you are doing that is hurting you or your loved ones and you continue to do it even though you know it is dangerous/wrong/hurting people etc.) I've been understanding in the past & have given him many chances. Now I feel so betrayed & like I can never trust him ever again. He also gambled away our life savings on a too-good-to-be-true business venture that went south without me even knowing that he was doing it and now we have no money. He was always too into material things and wanted to have bigger & better things. I always told him that I don't care what we have or where we live as long as we have our family. He lied to me about about the money stuff too when I first confronted him. He just came clean about everything (after I caught him again) & says he's sorry and wants help. I'm tired of this. I don't want to be responsible for trying to fix him. I have tried so hard to keep our marriage together but I'm so hurt & drained now. We have a 2 year old daughter who is so incredible. I feel I need to take her and move out somewhere on our own for now. I don't really have any money though but I could make it work. I don't want to be divorced but I don't feel I can ever trust him again & I've given him enough chances. I don't know what to do. Anyone have any experience w/ this devistating situation? No matter what I will always protect my daughter and want to keep her best interest as my top priority.
I want to sincerely thank everyone who offered their support, advice, experience and referrals. This is a quick update. Things have moved very quickly over the past couple weeks. I just signed the rental agreement and got the keys for a condo for my daughter and I. I felt that I really needed to leave and get into my own space. I've been focused on what is best for my daughter and I so now I'm moving closer to family and to my work. I'm seeing my therapist once a week. My husband started seeing a therapist who specializes in addictions as well as a psychiatrist for his depression. He has also started going to SA (sexual addiction 12 step program). He says he realizes his has major issues and really needs help. I told him he needs to work on himself by himself for now and we will see if there is a chance of us working on us as a couple later when I feel like I am ready for that. I told him it will be a long road and suggested he keep a journal so he can reflect back on it and so that he can share it with me if/when I am ready to participate. I will check into CODA (co-dependency) meetings as well. Right now I'm just trying to get my daughter and I settled in to a new comfortable home where there is more positive energy. Thank you again for all your responses. I will keep in touch when I can.
I agree that he's pulling the addiction card just because he got caught again. Get out while you still can.
Your husband definitely has a problem.....HE IS A MAN!!!!
The majority of them forget they have a brain in their skull. I wouldn't let him label himself as an addict, he is used to this behavior because he can get away with it. You need to make a choice. You picked a bad seed. He will never change. Take back your life! Let him GO!!!
Set the wild animal FREE!!!
protect your daughter at all costs!!! YOU can't fix him he really doesn't want to be fixed! He has put your life and your daughters' in major trouble. Once a liar always a liar. It's not too late for you.................yes it will be hard to start over but very rewarding. Get out..........NOW! Stay disease free make and keep your own money and trust me when I say that ALL say they will change but don't. Let him get the help he needs away from you and your child MAYBE later you can reconnect if that's what you want but let him take responsibility for his own life because he is not taking responsibility for the family
Whatever you decide the universe will support you. If leaving is what you need to do then don't be afraid...it will work out. God Bless! P.S. It's easier with one child than mulitple kids. Good luck.
Hi M.,
I'm so sorry that you and your daughter are going through this. It is certainly not fair. You are understandably torn, because he is your husband. And you are right, it is not your job to fix him. There is only one that could fix him. I was addicted to sex and pornography for 20 years, and I'm only in my early 30s now. I promise you, at 9 years old, I didn't ask for this problem. I tried and tried and tried to defeat it myself, but I was only able to overcome my addictions when I whole-heartedly submitted myself to God. I firmly believe that's the only way your husband can overcome his addictions.
It's not your job as a wife to fix your husband. If you want to be his wife, then your job is to cover him in prayer persistently and daily. Prayer is much more effective and powerful than anything you could do on your own. You do need to protect yourself and your daughter, so leaving is a perfectly acceptable option. You can pray for your husband from anywhere. If any part of you wants to salvage this marriage, then I urge you to get spiritual help. Also, I highly recommend reading The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. My husband and I have had problems before, and I had considered leaving him. What kept me from doing that is realizing that if he loses me, he would have nobody. We are all in a spiritual battle whether or not we realize it. A husband and wife do better together in that battle. If we leave, we leave the other to battle alone.
I'm sorry if I come off to preachy. I just didn't see much hope in the responses of others, and I wanted to let you know that there is hope for your family.
If you want to talk, please send me a message.
I will pray for you and your family.
M.
See a therapist for yourself as well as attend Al-Anon meetings.
As I was reading your situation, I couldn't believe how similar it was to mine. My husband had been cheating and lying, later I realized, our whole relationship. We have a now six year old daughter. We have been separated for almost three years now and still not divorced because he has not been very cooperative and me having the problem of opening my heart to him consistently and "rescuing" him has kept me from moving on with my life. So, based on my experience with a similar situation - its going to be the hardest thing you will have to do but you need to start putting you and your daughter first and leave him out of the equation. Stop thinking about what's best for him and think about what's best for you and your daughter. I could have been happier and done with my situation a long time ago if I had just let him go. He's not going to make it easy on you but I think you need to cut yourself off from him completely and give him the chance to "get better" on his own. And then if he chooses to take this opportunity to work on his issues and wants to come around, great. But until then you need to get out of this unhealthy situation. Best of luck!
Feel free to send me a message if you have any specific issues you want to discuss.
I've just read the other posts. My take is slightly different. Addiction is a powerful disease. Addicts think they must use (drugs alcohol gambling sex and many more) to numb themselves from whatever pain (usually began at an early age).If he seriously wants help there are many 12 step programs( even sex addycts anonymouus, gambling anonymous etc) if applied will offer help. There is outside therapy.For me I go to Al Anon. It's for people who have been affected by someone's drinking OR sobriety(dh is an ex addict) but sex, gamblibg etc are able to replace the word alcohol. If you love each other and want help-it has helped for us. If my husband started gambling or using I'd still go to Al anon. I had lost myself. We can't change others, but we CAN change ourselves. Best H. Please feel free to pm me if you want to talk. I have been there!
Leave. This is not behavior in which a responsible father and husband would do. If you can manage on your own, I would go for it.. even if it is temporary. At least you would see what is would be like on your own.
Good luck to you. Stop all sexual contact with this man too. God knows what he will pick up from other woman. Get yourself checked out too. No one should have to put up with that.
M.
Be strong for you and your daughter. Get out now. It will be a rough adjustment for you and your daughter, but you will get through it. She will be in a safer place and you will move on with your life and provide a safe and nurturing environment for your child. If you've already been throught this (history or cheating, gambling, etc..), even with help, its no guarantee things will be rosey again. Why risk it? You WILL find happiness elsewhere. Maybe not tomorrow or the next day, but you WILL. Be strong and move on. Like someone else posted - the universe will work things out for you. I know it will. Doing this with one child is much easier than doing it with more. I wish you and your daughter the best.
Sweetie,
Your number one and only priority at this point must be your daughter. What do you need to do to make sure that your daughter is safe, healthy and in the best situation possible? That is what needs to happen. You also need to take care of yourself so that you can be the best mom for your little angel. That means making sure you have not picked anything up from his affairs. Once you and your daughter are in a good, safe place, then you can take a look at the marriage and your partner and see what, if anything, is worth saving or working through. Good luck. Keep reaching out, there is support out there for you. These are incredibly difficult decisions.
I'm so sorry that you have suffered in this way. I can't imagine how upset you are. He sounds like he may be a pathological liar. I hope you are able to get the support you need to make the best choices for you and your precious daughter.
God bless you,
G.
Sexual addiction can be treated. There are SA groups and psychotherapy. I recommend a therapist who specializes in sexual addiction--Sam Alibrando, Ph.D. is fantastic ###-###-####--he's located in Pasadena. It's a long tough road, but if you're willing to hang in there, there is hope. I'm a psychologist who's worked with similar patients, and there is hope for real change, but you need to realize the solution is certainly not quick. Best of luck.
Please go to a CODA Meeting - CoDependence Anonymous you will find people there who have been where you are and can help you find your way through this unbelievably painful time. Al-Anon is another good option. While listening just change the word alcohol to money or sex as you need to but learning that others have survived this type of betrayal and hurt really does bring light to this dark time. Another thing that is good is the meetings are give what you can so money is not an issue as you are getting help.
Please believe that you are better than this moment and you and your daughter deserve to be in a healthier environment.
I checked the internet and found this source of CODA in the San Fernando Valley.
Check out the list for local meetings.
http://www.coda-tvcc.org/pdf/TVCCMeetingList.pdf
Good luck, be strong and take care of yourself and your daughter. And remember by taking the time to take care of yourself you will be able to be a better mother for your daughter.
Dear M. N,
I experienced about the same as you. We had a little girl, he didn't care about us too much. It is 20 years ago, He left us. It was very dificult for me because I loved him so much.
I raised my child all by myself, she is going to college now and it has never been easy and it is still very difficult. I concentrated my whole life on giving my child the best education.
Before you leave him, make sure you have the courage to be strong enough to start from zero; You have to prepare yourself that it will be hard in the beginning. I hope you have some friends or familly to support you. I was in a strange country, no familly no money.
I wish you the best of luck. Let me know how you are doing.
