Just Moved and 4Yo Is Not Dealing Well

Try acknowleding that she is upset instead of keeping her busy and distracted all the time. Talk a/b her feelings and help her grieve her old place by reviewing pics of the old house/friends and starting a new album or chapter or whatever. TAlk a/b it and she will be able to verbalize rather than act out how she's feeling. Validate teh feelings and not the behavior. Share with her in age-appropriate way how to deal with and sometimes kids like it when you tell them "When I was a little girl and we had to move (or similar story) ...so she won't feel alone and wierd a/b her feelings!

My 35 year old still rolls her eyes at me and I roll mine at my mother. That may never stop but it's o.k. if they respect you and other adults. Keep up the good work mommy.

We just moved across the country also... My four year old hasn't done so great. He is an emotional roller coaster-part of it I know is being four. Never the less it has been driving me crazy (the attitude). I have found a couple of solutions... that have helped. He insists on driving his 2 year old brother crazy also and letting his 2 year old brother get the best of him.

First, we have to be extremly consistent. Food has to be punctual-meals and snacks... He doesn't always say he is hungry but if he is and hasn't said anything he becomes very emotional.

Second, we joined a playgroup that meets once a week a a local park and he doesn't always play with the other kids yet, but it is two hours of park and out door time with brother and I get to know some friends.

Third, we set aside preschool time at home. He loves to work on his numbers, letters, and school work. We have also found a group of moms that do a small preschool- 5 kids meet 2 days a week for two hours each of the days. Between the five moms we take turns teaching the classes and then a helper rotates through too. We have created a curriculium that every three to four week the theme changes along with the teacher. That way as moms we are able to get a little break when we are not teaching or rotating through as teachers helper. You can do this with two kids or more... If you need ideas you can write me.... All of the curriculium we are able to find as free printables online. So the expense is very little. This little class gives a lot of structure to our 4 year olds life and we can afford it.

Forth, We spend a lot of time telling him that it is not okay to talk mean, wine, scream, hit, etc... and send him to time out after one or two warnings.

And finally- when nothing else seems to be working I take both boys out side and make them run. No play ground or toys. We live in an area that has alot of sidewalks in it and I tell them to run and keep me in sight- I am 7 months pregnant so I don't run so well or keep up very well, but by the time we are done running they usually have smiles on their faces. The first time I did this the 4 year old was so cranky that it took about five to ten minutes for him to really warm up to the idea, but when his brother was getting to choose the path of running he decided to participate and enjoyed himeself.

Good luck- We have only been on the east coast for about a month and the adjustment has been more difficult then we expected for the kids- But I know part of it is the ages that they are on top of everything.

L.

SHE is having a problem. If you normally take time with her
continue, sounds like you are doing fine but she is having a hard time adjusting. Be loving but firm, giving her time out,
and other ways of disciplne but never let her be disrespectful to you!!!!
This is new for her ,but she must mantain order and boundries. My son did not do well with change, but we learned we had to have order or things would be worse as he got older.
God Bless

you have received some great advice but i thought i'd share a little of our story. we just moved here from nm and my 2.5 yo took it hard but could not articulate her feelings well. we talked a lot about our old life and our new one. she kept asking for friends (heartbreaking!). when we started her back in daycare it helped but she still occasionally asked to go home. when we got our stuff she felt much better. it funny the stuff that she misses. she asked to see my friend a lot and his snakes. she tells me they're hungry (he used to let her watch them feeding). she has also asked for coffee for mommy (her buddy's mom runs a coffee shop). when she asks these things i ask her if she wants to call and talk to them. sometimes she does. she asks where the moon is a lot. we could always see it in nm but not here. mostly i think just talking about it and letting her direct the conversation has been very helpful. good luck!

have you tried looking for a MOPS group? that is mothers of preschoolers. there is a new group of mops starting at my church st timothys in catonsville, md. mops is an international group so no matter where you live there should be one. they help the mom be a mom and the child or children go and play with kids their own ages.

Here, in Ashburn, we have a co-op preschool which is cheaper than regular preschools. The cost is reduced because the parents agree to volunteer in the school as aides and help to run the school. Also. there are home school co-ops which work similarly. I am not sure if these options are available where you are. I hope this helps.

Hi, I found some tips on helping your child settle in after you move and they might help you... www.justsettling.com/Fairfax/Setting-Up-Home/Helping-your...

Try it and good luck!

L.,

Fairfax County Public Schools (FCPS) offers parenting courses called STEP (http://www.fcps.edu/DIS/OECFS/FLI/pdfs/classes/FINAL%2020.... There are two courses - one for parents of child from infancy to 11yrs and the other for parents of adolescents, 12yrs - 18yrs. I attended the course for the older kids. It's kind of like the Dog Whisperer for parents. I learned that a lot ny children's behaviours where triggered by my reaction. My kids are still a handful but I have a better understanding of what makes them tick.

My oldest child is a 9th grader and this is 6th school in 7 moves so I sympathize with you and your little one. Best of luck to you both.
K.

Have you checked with the local Head Start program. It is based on income but all children are put on a list. It really helped my son.
Also not sure where you are but at least check with the local schools. Some have programs for young children that are only two days a week but may help.
Good luck.

I'm so sorry about your daughter's behavior. It's sounds like you are doing everything right, it's just her way of expressing her frustration. Maybe if you let her decorate her room? Make it a fun project and give her some control. Also, maybe look into Moms Day Out programs. Or a co-op preschool. I don't have information but I believe that in exchange for working as a teacher/leader your child can attend for reduced or free tuition.
Good luck!

L.,

I know that you have gotten some great responses.
I just wanted to let you know the website for the international moms club. It is for SAHM and not only has playdates and kids' activities, but mom activities as well.
So, while your dtr. is making new friends, so are you. :)
Good luck. momsclub.org

Of course the simple trauma of uprooting her from all she has ever known is a big part of the problem. But I would also ask, did she leave any specific friends behind? A routine event or place that she no longer is able to attend, such as a favorite store, etc.? Also, is she getting enough interaction with other children so she can make new friends? If you can't afford a three day preschool, perhaps you and another local mom or two can get togther and make up your own preschool, like when kids will play school. Keep trying to engage her in what she would like to do. Also, show her all the new things she can see, places she can visit, that she couldn't before.

You are one smart cookie, L. --- and you have a very lucky little girl -- all I can say ( as a preschool teacher, Mom, and very hands on Grandma) is you are doing a super job

Blessings,
Old Mom
aka J.

L. B,

I also have a 4 year old daughter and I feel for you. We're in the process of moving, although not across the country. My daughter and son are having a rough time because it's not the normal routine and they miss their friends. My daughter qualified for pre-K because she is autistic which in some cases doesn't help. We're starting her late in school this year, and she seems to be doing well as long as I give her plenty of hugs. I know you must give her plenty of love because you expressed the things you do with your daughter. I know it might be hard, but the next time she throws a tantrum or acts out, instead of disciplining ask her to come sit on your lap and just give her a hug and see what happens. My daughter when she feels she hasn't gotten enough hugs or good attention, she acts out to get the bad attention. As annoying and frustrating as that may be, I have to remember to stay calm and first give the hug and if the discipline is really needed, then I explain to her that it is needed and give it. Hope this helps. God Bless

I moved a ton as a kid and the one thing I remember(at age 5) is feeling very confused and lost. It sounds like you all have made a lot of time and attention for you new little terror, but maybe she is just confused or scared still. Try to explain while you are playing together why you had to move. Make sure you keep it on an age appropriate level and reassure her that sheis still safe with you all in your new location. While she might be playing or enjoying an activity, she is searching for new patterns in this new setting. Let her know that that even though things may be different, the love is the same. There will be more good times together and just hang in there through the adjustment, it may take some time. Keep snuggling her, while she may seem out of character right now.

Our son did the same thing when we moved here back in Feb. I think there is just to much going on and as soon as he had something else to focus on he did great. I still have problems when he gets a little home sick but we try to make this as much as a home and fun place as we can. From what I understand it is not just a move thing but about that age any inconsistancy is a major event to them and they show out. THis too will pass.

Have you thought about going to the public school and seeing if she is eligible for pre-k?

I just wanted to let you know that I have a 4 (almost 5) year old daughter and a 2-year-old daughter, and the 4-year-old has been drama city for a long time now. We haven't moved since before she was born and we finished our house remodel over a year ago, so there's really no need for the change in behavior. Asking around, it turns out that this age is a lot of drama, and, in fact, kindergarten age is much like 6th grade developmentally (remember that? Ooh, I was not a fan of 6th grade). All this is to say that what your daughter is experiencing is certainly partly due to the move, but also may be some of the regular "4-year-old" stuff. I just thought knowing that might also helpful. =)

If you are interested, we attend By Grace Community Church and my 4-year-old loves other kids (esp. girls) and I know she'd welcome your little girl. We are in Newport News, and also will be starting a Wed. morning Bible study (9:30am-11:30am) with childcare (I believe this week). The kids will range from about 2 mos to probably 6 years. Here's the website, and you can always contact me personally!! http://www.bygraceonline.org

I hope you are finding some good strategies to deal with the behavior - sounds like you've got a great foundation. She might just need some time and correction.

Have you joined a mom's group? We just moved this summer (in July), cross-country as well, and my kids had and are having a hard time too. As soon as we got here, though, I found a few moms groups to join so that my kids could find some new friends. Now we have preschool for my daughter, and soccer as well. I don't know where you live, but in Va Beach Trinity Thalia Presbyterian preschool has a few openings still, and they're $130 a month. My daughter still talks about her friends in Oklahoma (where we moved from), but it's definitely getting better. There are lots of groups in the area, and I recommend looking into a few of them. Feel free to email me if you want more information. Hope that helps!

We just had a new baby, and our about to be 4 year old did the same thing. I chalked it up to the new baby. Then I talked to my sister-in-law and her newly 4 year old daughter is acting the exact same way. I pulled out the parenting books, and sure enough the description of 4 is along the lines of "you will be reminded of the terrible 2's but with more attitude". I've decided that I am dealing with a developmental issue, intensified by the recent changes. The book did say that "you will be rewarded by a more calm and confident child at about 5".

Great, so what to do in the meantime... I can tell you that we have had to learn patience to teach our son patience. We have had to step up our self control skills, and have dialed way back on any yelling,(I know sometimes you just can't help it but I figured if we yelled that wasn't teaching him how not to yell.) We are practicing a rewind technique, so that when he loses it over something very minor, we wait until he gets calmed down (breathe, calm down, and make sure he knows we are listening to him) and then we ask him to practice how he could have expressed himself without yelling. We also say calmly please don't yell at me about 1000 times a day. We also ignore the yelling and divert his attention to some silly word game or try to use humor to get him out of it. We are doing lots of calm warnings and counting to 3, and as a last resort when he is really out of control a time out.

It seems to be working, we have decreased the intensity of the yelling, but it hasn't gone away.

Please don't worry your daughter has had a personality transplant, apparently this is very typical. Hang in there, you are not alone.

I went through the same thing with my daughter when we moved, she was almost 4. I joined a mom's club, and making new friends really seemed to help. There are lots of organizations like the national mom's club or MOPS. I would think about getting involved with them. Good luck.