Just When You Think Therapy Is Working

You say your therapy seems to be working. No it isn't. You have two children, not one, and the bigger child has a jealously problem.

The therapist needs to hear all this. And you and your husband need a second session each week: A parenting class. Seriously, he is undermining you; he does not understand that a sick toddler is always going to be clingy; he expects a recovering child to "make eye contact" when the boy doesn't even understand those words; he wants a perfect child and wants you to parent HIS way.

Please, please see the therapist and say that therapy is not helping your parenting in this home and bring up these issues of jealousy (of your husband, jealous at the attention you get from your son) and outlandish expectations (from your husband, who seems to think a toddler is "dissing" him somehow and who clearly has no idea of what to realistically expect from a young child's behavior or emotions).

You said it yourself -- Husband thinks that therapy will bring "magic overnight" and does not recognize that his travel schedule means he is largely an occasional boarder in his son's mind. The one kernel of goodness here is that your husband was talking the language of therapy -- "we need to talk about this" -- but IN therapy you both should work on his learning WHEN to use that and when to recognize that you are overwhelmed and just need immediate assistance with your son -- not a lecture or discussion.

Please get to the therapist and explain that this is all not working.

I would seek legal counsel. Get a free 30 min meeting w/at least one lawyer. I say this because I have found.........99% of the time.......dad's get 50% custody no matter what.

So, I would hate for you to have to leave your baby there w/him and you not there.

One thing I would not do....is let him see you break down.

He may be trying to bully, intimidate, control you but don't let him.

Be strong, have a powerful circle of supportive friends & family, be safe, do not expect any help from hubby at this point.

Also, he may want to do thing HIS way. My hubby did this and I just had to let him help. He made several mistakes (putting the baby down when it was clear he WASN'T ready for a nap or the other way around.

I had to let him help & make his own mistakes.
Moms pretty much know best but it's okay. Let him help.
Take c/o yourself. More later.

It's never a good idea to assess a situation when you're upset. Calm down first and then revisit the situation.

When I was having issues with my husband I had to take a good, long hard look at myself and what I was doing to contribute to the madness. I was focusing on him so much and what he was (or what I thought he was) doing to me that I never thought that my behavior wasn't really helping the situation. I got into the habit of telling myself that I was doing everything right and he was doing everything wrong. Once I finally stopped trying to one-up him on who could act like the bigger jerk things got a lot, and I mean A LOT better.

Now, please don't take this as me saying you're the problem because it takes two to tango, but what I am saying is that make sure you're doing everything you can to be the best person you can be in this situation and take it from there. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but at least you'll know you did everything you could.

You need legal advice for your questions, MK. Please go see a family lawyer and get the low-down. You certainly have a lot to talk about to the therapist - your husband said some really awful things to your child, and it is clear that the stress he puts your son through is why he is so clingy with you.

Please go see a lawyer and follow all his or her instructions. I agree that you two need some space, but if you do this wrong, you could be living on the streets.

Good luck,
Dawn

Who the heck tells an 18 month old "I'm not talking to you"? Oh, wait, a 3 year old might do that...a grown, mature man wouldn't do something so incredibly stupid. Sorry, I could use other words, but what he said and did is just plain stupid. He's a mean stupid-head...and a bully. So, there.

Talk to a lawyer. While joint custody is common, some States also have special guidelines when kids are under age 3 or 4.

Do you ever see the therapist alone, without your husband? I would suggest you talk to the therapist alone and as a couple. I went through therapy with my ex husband and I have to say, going alone as well as with him was very helpful for me. Obviously since he is my ex, the therapy didn't work, but it did give me the strength to do what I needed to do for me and my daughter. Therapy only works if both parties are truly willing to make the needed changes. As for leaving, that might be the best thing for you to do, at least for a while. Do you have anywhere to go? And yes, you can take your son with you. Go see an attorney who specializes in family law. Even with joint custody, which is typically what happens, there is still a custiodial parent with primary custody. It's been a few years since I've been through all of this, but I remember it like it was yesterday. If you would like to talk more or need the name of a VERY good attorney, message me privately. You will survive this, no matter the outcome. You just have to stay strong. Good luck and God bless.

Your husband is so disconnected to what a child this age needs and so focused on his feelings. Sounds like it's all about him(husband). Your child sounds very normal, he's been sick, he's 18 mo old and there is tension and turmoil in your house. He probably is rightfully more clingy than some 18 mo olds or than he would be otherwise.

I don't think this is good for your son and agree with Dawn. You need legal advice and if you're still willing to try I'd say talk to the counselor about realistic expectations of what should happen (goals) Your husband should also be learning everything he can about children and development.

All the best!

Your husband needs to grow up now.

Of course little ones are this way with their mother's when they are ill or when they don't see daddy so much, didn't you say he travels...

Also, a baby is a baby, a child and baby needs their mother close, they are attached to their mother for a reason. Nature intended this for obvious reasons. They receive their very life from mother. As a child gets older they need father more and more. (not to say a baby doesn't need father, they do, but it's just not the same thing) It is a fact that a baby is connected to their mother through an invisible life cord, an etheric cording for the first seven years of life. Think on that if you will.

Grow up daddy and let the baby be a baby and get a heart and soul

He could change - its up to him. If you want to get away of course you can take your son. You're just going on a ride or trip or whathave you and taking your child, nothing wrong there. If you two divorce this problem with your child will become even more of a problem, it will be Big. Just think of your husband taking the child on his visitation times and the child screaming and crying hesitericly for mamma -- not a good scene, not a good feeling to have your heart ripped out.

So think about it all. If he's willing to continue with therapy, continue. Is it the best therapist for you two? Are you both willing to work at this no matter what it takes - are you both willing to change and sacrifice your own little wants? Is the love there for each other, the understanding, the honor and respect? These are a few questions that need to be answered. It takes work and behavioral changes, changing habits of thinking and doing. It takes putting self aside and being kind to each other. Also, just because this happened doesn't neccesarily mean the therapy isn't working -- there is going to be sliding back a step or two just as there is the moving forward a step or two. It really is love that will make this work. Real Love.

The best to you all and I hope it works out -- May God Bless you each with Love and understanding and the Will to respond to it

It seems like to me that you were sort of glad the baby only wanted you. That dad couldn't seem to console him. Dad needed to take the baby and let you take a shower. He needed to take him and change him. You needed to let him instead of trying to stop him.

Dad feels completley left out and you are helping him feel that way.

When the kids want me and I need to do something else I make hubby take them, kicking and screaming to a different room. He is just as able to handle a crying ill child as I am and it will help them get over the "I want mommy" issues.

You didn't seem to be supporting your hubby when he was trying to make an effort. That's what your post came across as. Maybe it's just the mood you're in right now but it didn't seem like you were listening and trying to compormise with hubby at all about the baby.

As for dad telling a toddler he is ignoring them because of a behavior, that's silly. A toddler has no higher brain function to know what that means. This child only knows daddy is not responding to him right then.

You both need to sit down in a private session this week with your therapist and then together to get this stuff under control. You both needed to be heard and listened to and neither of you listened to the other very well until it was a very loud voice talking.

Cheese and crackers, GET OUT and GET OUT NOW! Yes, take your son with you. Stay with family until you can get a place of your own. There is something (several things) wrong with your husband. Do supervised visits and explain the whole "eye contact" interaction to CPS if he protests. I would NEVER leave a child with someone as unstable as you are describing.