K Sub Teacher Squeezed Dd's Arm

Chances are it was not a squeeze squeeze but a way of just getting her attention. Remember she is six. Half of what they say is not true or exaggerated. I would let it go.

Just this past Spring a kindergarden teacher was fired from my daughters school for doing this to one of her students.

Was there any bruising? If there was no mark then she could not have "squeezed" that hard. Perhaps your daughter didn't like this teacher and like when anyone doesn't like someone kind of exaggerated the contact.

So no, I don't think you should say anything to anyone.

I think I would be asking my child a follow-up question, like 'oh, what was the teacher talking to you about?" Sometimes, some teachers will give a child's arm a friendly squeeze-- I would want to know if this was a friendly squeeze which felt a little too hard or if it was a 'you need to stop your running feet' or a grab on the arm because there was something else going on. In my son's kindergarten class, I see kids trying to run out of the classroom or off to something else every so often; I could easily see a kid being bent out of shape because they were busted for misbehaving and then blaming that 'bad' part of the day on a restraining 'stop here' than on "I was misbehaving".

And yes, if there's a bruise, do report it. Otherwise, I'd likely let it go.

Here's the thing, IMHO. Back in my day (I'm 53) if you acted up in the classroom, either the teacher put you over his/her knee and spanked you or they sent you to the principal and the principal spanked you. Either way, you got a spanking. We all KNEW that was the consequence. So, the result was kids acted much better in the classroom than they do now. I sit and listen to my teenage grandsons talk about all the shenanigans that go on in classrooms today and I just think to myself that that would have not happened when I was in school because we knew the consequence. By the time we got to middle school and high school, we had LEARNED to behave in class and it had become a habit.

These days, the teachers really have no recourse and therefore no authority. Kids are disrespectful and just plain rude at times. What is the teacher to do? send them to the office so the principal can talk to them? Who cares? If that would have been the only consequence for me, I doubt I would have been so well-behaved. It's a "non-consequence" as far as I'm concerned. Do you really think it makes a lasting impression on the kids? No way!

What that teacher did DID make a lasting impression on your daughter. As far as I'm concerned, that was the point and it worked.

I would ask my daughter what SHE was doing that caused the teacher to grab her arm and THAT would be what we talked about.

I find it comical, how many posters are assuming that the squeeze was vicious. Most likely it was not, and it was done in a gentle way, to say "hello", or something. Who knows, maybe your DD was acting up and it was a non-verbal way to get your DD's attention.

Besides, you know what teachers say about things like this, right? "I'll believe 1/2 of what your kid tells me about you, if you promise to only believe 1/2 of what your kid tells you about me/school", or something to that effect.

Basically, kids can exaggerate, over dramaticize, leave out important details, don't understand context, and have very active imaginations, so you can't really take them at face value. I could give you 10 examples of my own 6 year old DD saying things that sound alarming, but on further investigation were not that big of a deal. Let's face it, girls can and are very melodramatic, playing up a good story line just to get some attention, making the smallest of things a huge deal.

You really don't know what actually happened, and you don't want to be "that mom" that makes a big deal about everything. I try to choose my battles, and this would not be one of them.

If there's no mark, I wouldn't say anything. How hard could it be if there's no mark.

Dawn

Do you truly know what she's talking about? Of course I know it's your child and her word but do you KNOW exactly what was going on?

As a substitute over 10 yrs in the same elementary ( so I know most of the students as well as parents)

" squeezing" an arm or anything constituted as force would be a big no-no and most teachers and subs who are regulars know the routine.

Some children thrive on drama and exaggerate. ( not saying your is doing this)

IF you are concerned, of course talk to the teacher in a non-confrontational mode to understand the circumstances of what was going on for the day.

If I have a student who is about to ruin a project, endanger themselves, etc then my grip my appear more forceful as I am trying to keep the children SAFE.

If you are still concerned ( I hope you are not blowing this out if proportion because you are hearing one side) then discuss basic tactics with teachers, aides, and substitutes.

Best wishes and please... Keep your eyes wide open. Of course listen to your child #1 then follow up to verify when and why things take place

Have I ever had a firm grip as a sub? Omg yes when I've got a runner who may be special Ed or may be a tester of authority and I have to make sure I have control of my children!

Get all sides before Judge and jury . Every child is not perfect and he/she may have ways where they act out... Aggressively or passive aggressively. Get facts then follow through .

Added: When I have a child who refuses my authority... I promptly move them to another class with a regular teacher. This works wonders for the student and me for my class.

Just today I was forewarned of a so called major trouble maker. Sweet child, just all over the place. By 8 am I called him out ( 3rdgrade) and said. " do you want to be in my class today? He said, yes. I said you have to earn it because of your behavior this first 15 minutes of he day you will be out of here with no warning if you act up. The kid was the model student of the day! He knew I'd put him out in a second.

Substitutes have to set a standard when they come in the door. Don't be bitchy don't be too loving, don't favor...it's a huge balance.

Good luck

I am a substitute teacher and I would never touch a child in a rough way unless it looked as though she was about to do something dangerous. For example, if we were at the playground and she was about to run behind a child on a swing that would clearly knock her over. Yeah, I might grab her arm and it might be perceived as "too rough" by a 6 year old.

For the past 4 years I have only been subbing in my kids' elementary school. But years ago I was in school getting my teaching degree (to teach high school) so I was subbing in all the local high schools trying to make contacts, etc. I had an encounter with a young man who had a chip on his shoulder the minute he walked in the room. I asked him to sit in his assigned seat (which made him angry). I asked him to stop talking and poking his neighbor during our class discussion (which made him angry). I refused to let him leave class 10 minutes early to go talk to the principal - probably to complain about how awful I was (which made him angry). At the end of the day the principal came to my classroom and told me that this boy had come to him and told him that I had called him a "fat slob." I was upset, angry, disillusioned... I couldn't help but wonder, why is this kid doing this?? Obviously the principal and I had a long conversation about it. It was really the student's word against mine, and luckily mine was the one taken as the truth. A little bit different from your daughter's story, but your story reminded me of mine.

Anyway, I am NOT saying your daughter is lying or making it up (stretching the truth, maybe). But my point is, I'm glad the principal came to me and talked with me about it, instead of having something secretly written in my "file" about what a terrible sub I was. If you choose to address this, please be careful in how you go about it.

If it makes you feel better, then speak directly with your daughter's teacher. Find out if this is a regular sub in the building. I only sub at one school, and I am there about 2-3 days a week. In fact, I'm subbing in kindergarten tomorrow! If a child perceived my touch as something bad, I would want to know. I would want the opportunity to explain the situation. I would hope that if something did happen to your daughter, the sub would have an explanation. So for me, if something happens tomorrow in my class, and a child goes home and says "I didn't like that sub, she grabbed my arm!" I would absolutely want to know so I could tell the parents, "here is what happened..." Of course, if this is not a regular sub that story might be harder to come by. Sometimes I see subs at my school, and then I never see them again. Some of them sub all over the county.

So that's my two cents.

My middle son (now in 2nd grade) came home in K and told me his paraeducator (2nd teacher in the classroom for all K schools in our district) hit a kid that was bothering my son. I went all crazy, called the school demanding to know what happened, etd. When I finally talked to my son calmly and asked him to tell me what happened, why it happened, etc, he told me he WISHED the teacher had hit the other kid. My bad. I apologized profusely and learned a lesson the hard way.

My daughter came home last year (3rd grade) and told me the nurse pushed her. I called the nurse and asked her what happened calmly. The nurse told me she had her hands on her shoulder and was gently guiding her from the office. I thanked her for explaining what happened to me and talked with my daughter more, had her show me exactly how she was "pushed", and so on. The nurse's story was a bit more on than my daughter's. I handled this one RIGHT, in my opinion.

I am THAT mom at school. I communicate with my kdis teachers on a regular basis, volunteer whenever possible, and talk things out when there is a problem. I no longer assume my kids didn't do anything wrong, but if I don't like how it's handled, the teacher and I work together to come up with another solution to the problem.

In my opinion, TOUCHING a child is NEVER acceptable. If someone did grab my K son's arm this year, I'd not be okay with it. I am friends with all of the K staff and know, love, and trust them. But really? She grabbed her arm and squeezed? What did your child do that made it okay for a teacher to do that? I would absolutely ask your daughter to explain the whole situation, do to you what the teacher did to her, and go from there. It can't hurt to ask the questions of the school either.

Honestly, people are afraid of being "that" parent, but I don't care what others think of me. I don't get along too well with about half of the 3rd grade staff at my kids school, but everyone else I get along with GREAT. They know and appreciate the fact that I am on top of my kids, whether it's a good or bad situation. I'm always there. If some don't like it, that's really not my problem. So if this were MY sitaution...I'd do what I suggested above. Get to the bottom of it...but no, it's NOT okay for a sub or any teacher to physically grab your child - whether it was a hard violent squeeze or something to get her attention. Unless of course it was to stop her from running into traffic or something.

DO NOT email anyone as you DO NOT want a paper trail with your daughter's name attached. We teachers talk about things like this in the lounge. You WILL become the -itch momma. Teachers can usually choose their subs and as teachers we choose subs who we respect. I believe that your DDDD daughter was being a pest and the sub did squeeze her arm rather than put her in time out and have the others laugh at her, send her to the office, give everyone else a treat (many subs brinig bribes with them), etc. Let it go! Your DDDD was a pest I am thinking...

Mon2KcK, I will tell you why its not good to be THAT mom. Teachers are asked to nominate students for programs, recognition etc. We get back at parents like you--by not nominating your children. If all the children get to rotate chances at bring 'helper of the day'--your child is chosen last. Do not get angry at me for spilling the beans--its true--just like waiters get back at mean diners--we don't wanna hear the stories--smart diners are nice to waiters...

I regularly squeeze my kids hands and arms when I am getting their attention, and I squeeze the hands and arms of the children I look after as well. I usually do it as a reassuring gesture, sometimes to get attention. I do not do it as a punishment of any sort, and it certainly isn't to cause pain.

How about you wonder why her arm was squeezed? And why do you assume it was bad? Was your daughter behaving inappropriately to begin with? My guess is there is more to this than your daughter is telling you. Remember...she is 6, in kindergarten and learning how to be.....independant, social, curious, playful, respectful....etc. Maybe your daughter was being reprimanded and wasn't listening, or maybe she almost fell and the teacher grabbed her quickly.....who knows. Ask the substitute teacher herself, since it bothers you as much as it bothered your daughter and get your facts.

If your daughter had said that all of the kids were squeezed then I would be more apt to think that the sub had no control over the class. But since it was only your daughter--then your daughter was the issue not the sub or the whole class.

I'm torn on this one.

On one hand, I had a neighbor that was a little old lady. When she talked, and especially when she had something funny to say, she would squeeze our arms. Sometimes, it hurt. She didn't mean to hurt us, she just had a firm grip.
So, I wouldn't think anything about it.

On the other hand, I would probably be upset if my daughter came home and said the same thing.

So, I would probably talk to the normal teacher. Not make a big deal about it, just tell her what happened and that it upset your daughter.

I do find that people tend to do the arm squeeze thing here in the south more.

Did you role play it?
Just be casual, oh what do you mean she squeezed your arm, can you show me, I'll be the teacher and you be you. Try to get some context
She may not like being touched at all by a stranger (nothing wrong with that!) and therefore the teacher's touch may have felt more aggressive than it was. Teachers, even subs, are pretty careful and paranoid about touching kids these days, it's not like it was when I was a kid back in the 1970's. I was pinched and slapped for talking out of turn, and the really "bad" kids were spanked with a paddle. That kind of thing is NOT allowed today, so just talk to your daughter and if you feel the sub WAS being too aggressive, send an email to the teacher AND principal stating your concerns. An email is better than a phone call because it leaves an electronic record in case of any future incidents/complaints with this particular sub.

Yes I would email the principal and let him/her know what the sub did. It should be documented in the Sub's file. Dd you check for any bruising?
It is our job as parents to make sure our kids feel safe and trust your instincts.
Good luck!

Does your daughter have a bruise? Red spot? Any sort of indication that she was doing it too hard?

If not then I'd say it was not a big deal in any way because if it was too hard it would leave a mark of some sort. If there isn't any mark the teacher didn't do it too hard.

If she has a bruise I'd be on the phone with the district admin and letting them know exactly what happened.

I agree with everyone else. Why was her arm squeezed? Did your daughter answer that question? Is there a mark on her arm? If not, I wouldn't make a fuss about it. She will remember that she did not like her arm being squeezed and chances are it will not happen again.

I think if there's no mark there's really not anything you can do, but I'm surprised at the moms who jump to the conclusion that it's OBVIOUSLY your child's fault. Umm... I'd have a serious problem with anyone squeezing my child's arm. In fact, I fired a babysitter for that (there was a bruise though) when my daughter was 3. Remember it was only a sub, your daughter is fine, I think it's best to let it go.

Do you know anymore about what happened? Some people are just "touchy" and they tend to touch you (or hold on to your hand or arm, yuck) when they are talking to you... or did she squeeze your DD's arm because she wasn't listening?

In any way if it made your DD uncomfortable it was just not ok. I would try not to make too big of a deal of it - unless you have reason to believe that it was some sort of inappropriate discipline.
You could talk to the sub or to your DD's regular teacher and "bring it up" that your DD is uncomfortable with this and it is also ok to tell your DD that she should speak up and say "please stop squeezing my arm, I don't like this" - even to an adult. It is very important for kids to stand up for their personal space and physical integrity - if someone touches her in a way that makes her feel uncomfortable, teach her to speak up loud and ask the person to stop.

If this was some sort of disciplinary action (eg because your DD wasn't listening) it needs to be reported to the principal, unless your school policy states that physical discipline/restraint is an acceptable measure. I know it's a HUGE infraction in my state, but you'd be surprised that some states/schools allow for physical discipline or restraint (even spanking!).
Good luck.

i agree with pretty much everyone.. ask her exactly what happend.. what was the teacher saying to her when she squeezed her arm and what led up to the conversation, im hoping that the teacher didnt just come over to her for absolutley no reason at all and squeeze her arm for no apparent reason other than that she was going to tell her something.. i know shes only 6 and for her it may be hard to recreate, but id have her act it out.. tell her to pretend you are her and she is the teacher, let her tell u to do exactly what she was doing at the time and have her show you on your arm exactly how it happened .. also i noticed that she said "she didnt like it".. she didnt say "mommy the special teacher hurt my arm today".. so id say its probably just something to let go.. do any of the other kindergarten or school moms have any experience dealling with the sub? maybe ask them what they think or have heard of her, but i dont think its something to go run to the school and make a big deal over