Keeping 20Mo Old Safe and Calm in Public Setting

I have a 2 1/2 year old , that I am having similar problems with, we don't go to anybody house ,because she just wants to run wild. I took her off of sugar and it helped some. I wish you lots of luck. What part of WV do you live in . I live in Beckley. ____@____.com

Hi-I have 5 kids (oldest just turned 7), we can go anywhere, Wal-Mart, out to eat, mall, festivals, etc. without problems. They know their boundaries. We hold hand, no exceptions, we sit in strollers, we sit in grocery carts, etc. You have to talk to children. We have a talk before we get out of the car. They all know we will behave or we will leave and go home and get punished at home. They kinow what I expect of them before we get out of the van. You have to be the mother. You make the rules, she follows. You can't just stay home for years until your child can behave, trust me, it won't be any better then. You have to be very strong minded about this and not afraid to leave a cart of groceries in the middle of the store and take your children home because they can't behave. We have left a restraunt before getting our food before, just leave a $50 on the table and leave. It only happend once. The kids get the message and don't want that to happen again.

I take all 5 just about anywhere, of course there are a few exceptions and my husband and I take them about every other week out to eat. Just pray for a great waitress.

I think it's very important for parents to teach their kids how to behave in different settings, but it's not always the easiest thing to do--and it's something you'll have to remind them of over and over again. One thing that helps for my two boys when they start running around wild somewhere is to remind them that they're not at the playground. I get down to their level and say quietly but sternly, "This is not a playground. This is a restaurant/store/museum, etc. There are people here trying to enjoy their food/shop/work/, etc. We can't run and be loud here, but you can walk along and look at the interesting things/sit in the stroller and read books/sit nicely in your chair and play with playdough, etc." This lets them know that it's not just my expectation but the expectation of the all the people around them in that place. It's also not enough. That talk sets the groundwork for their general understanding that there's a time and place for everything, but it's not always enough for young ones.

There was a time when my oldest was 16 months and I thought I would never be able to take him out of the house until he turned five--at least! He would not stay with me if I let him out of the stroller/cart, and he wouldn't come back when I called him--he'd just run further and faster in the other direction. Not to mention he was also just crazy when he would play with his friends. I finally took a page from Super Nanny and started training him to stay with me and stop when I said to.

Tell your daughter what you expect her to do (stop and wait when you say) and what will happen if she doesn't (have a time out in the stroller or holding hands), then as you're walking along (in a safe, quiet place like a park), let her get a few feet in front of you. Ask her to stop and wait for you. If she does, great. Praise her for good listening/following instructions and move on. In another minute do the same thing. If she does what you ask, reward her with praise for good listening. If she doesn't, strap her in the stroller or hold her hand for two minutes. She may throw a big fit, but hold her tight or keep her in the stroller--it's only two minutes after all. Then remind her of your expectations and the consequences if she doesn't meet them, and tell her she can try again. Wander around the park and keep asking her to stop every couple of minutes until she's really got the hang of it. Then when you take her somewhere else, try it out a time or two when you first get going just to remind her.

You do have to respect the fact that your daughter is active and independent, but those qualities don't need to go unbridled, so you have to work to find a balance. The other day my son was almost buzzing when we got out of the car to go to the book store. I knew I was in for trouble if we walked right in. So I had him run around for a couple of minutes out on the side walk and that took care of his burst of energy. If you see your daughter needs to burn off energy, find ways to do it: hopping in place, running circles around a tree, dancing, shaking out different body parts. In public, just try to find an out of the way spot, and do it just before you begin your outing.

Also, your daughter may be independent, but you are in charge. If you need her to be in the cart so you can do your grocery shopping, tell her in the car that you know she's not crazy about it, but she'll be sitting in the cart so you can get your shopping done quickly and stay out of the way of others. For now that's just the way it is; that's just what you do. If she throws a tantrum you'll have to deal with it, and then you may have to do your shopping in the evenings without her for a while--pointing out that she can't come along until she's ready to listen. If you need her to wear a leash at festivals or other busy and crowded places, that's just what she'll have to learn to do for now. She can sit in the stroller instead--you can let her decide. But make it clear that those are her only two options. You decide what YOU need her to do and if you give her options, they should be options that work for YOU.

Just like teenagers, she earns her freedom when she shows she can handle the responsibility. I think in a way you are expecting too much from her at this point--she can't yet handle the freedom to walk on her own everywhere you go--but maybe you aren't expecting enough either--that she follows the limitations you set based on her age and ability. Figure out what your limits for her need to be for her safety and your sanity and teach her to stick to them. Once she can do that, you can try to give her more freedom, and you'll see her adjust as she matures.

Sorry for the long response. Hope it helps. Good luck!

Hi! Well she got a taste of freedom and now knows the difference. I also have a defiant one that we have experienced similar problems with. You will have a few rocky times with this, but show her where you want her to be or what you want her to do and stand strong. Show her that she does not have a choice and has to be in the stroller, etc. You may have a fit the first couple of times but with consistency this will fix itself. On one occasion, we were walking to a restaurant through a busy parking lot and my daughter did not want to hold Daddy's hand. She started screaming when he'd try. I encouraged him to tell her that she had to hold his hand or she would be punished. Finally, he HAD to take her to the car and make her sit there, in the car, by herself (with him outside) for five minutes. She hated it!! She did not do it again that night. She held his had willingly. But we've really had to be consistent with punishment when she shows this kind of defiance. Good luck...

Hi M.,
Yes, it is normal for a 20 month old to attempt any kind of independence, whatever they can get away with. But that doesn't mean they need it or are comfortable with it. It can give them false notions concerning how much control they have over you and their situation, and can make them feel insecure. I know that in this day, it is very intimidating to have a screaming around-2-year-old on your hands in public, for fear that someone won't like your parenting and call 'the authorities' on you (not to mention how embarrassing it is). Because of this, I see such alarming insecurity in parents, everywhere these days! Have you ever watched The Dog Whisperer or Super Nanny on TV? Kids, like dogs, pick up on your confidence level. And at around-two, they will mercilessly take advantage of any insecurities you may have in any given situation. They can pick up on the difference in the way you handle them at home vs. in public. You said that your daughter "doesn't want" to wear a leash, hold your hand or stay in the stroller. And? What does that look like? What do you do? The whole point of all of these devices is restraint for the good of the toddler, who lacks judgement. Have you ever given her the remotest idea that her protests have any power or sway over your decision to restrain her? Have you ever apologized for restraining her, or felt fearful, nervous, angry or defensive when she protests, or backed down? She'll pick up on those cues and take full advantage. That's normal. On the other hand, if you trust in your decisions and exhude confidence and the expectation that she will have to comply, she will also pick up on that, and you will see a calmer child. In a sense, you can give her safety and calm. You may have to analyze what's going on with your/her attitudes regarding restraints when you take walks in the neighborhood or in other places that are not at home, yet aren't so public that you can't train her to accept them without a fuss. Does she throw a fit every time you put her in a carseat? Do you relent? Why or why not? Stop and think about that. What's the difference between the inside of your car and the inside of a festival or store? Is your attitude different? Your confidence? You can train her to accept your restraints with a calm attitude! That said, there's a little trick to determine if your little one has enough long term memory to be dealt with at home instead of right away. Up to a certain age, you wouldn't be able to say, "If you can't behave while we're out, you won't get to come next time, or you will have to be disciplined when we get home", because your child would forget in the hour or two between meltdown and consequences, if you really felt that you couldn't take care of it then and there. So you test that memory in a positive way first. While at the event, you say, "When we get home, I will give you a .. (insert specific treat here)". You don't remind them or give them hints on the way home, or at home, but wait to see if they remember. At the point in their maturity/ development where they can remember the promise of a treat once you arrive home, you can confidently give them the promise of a consequence while you're out, and know that you are being completely fair as you follow up when you get home. This will lessen the likelihood that they will 'hold you hostage' in public situations. Be confident, steadfast and consistant. Two or three times, and you will see a difference in your baby's willingness.

go to target online. check out ultimate baby wrap a 5 in 1 carrier. I have been using this now for almost 2 1/2 years. the weight distributes so its very comfy (stretchy t-shirt material)not like a traditional baby carrier with buckles and straps. its pretty cheap and you have 2 hands free and no lost child. my son loves to be in it and usually falls asleep which makes getting things done a breeze.

I haven't read the other posts, but it sounds like you are doing all the right things at home. You are not expecting too much either. My little girl just went through this today at the OBGYN!! I think sometimes it is more about how we can feel about the situation. I just remind myself this is about her and her fit she is throwing. I'm not the one that looks like a fool. I really do try to almost laugh about it WHILE making her sit in the nautty spot wherever we are. I do the same type thing. Mommy said NO, and sit her down firmly. Then once she has calmed down I go and say, Next time listen to mommy the first time. or whatever. Poeple may look, but almost everyone knows exactly what it is like. Best of all, is to not loose your cool. If parents look at me, I usually just give them that roll the eyes smile, like kids are kids.

Also, (now from the teacher point of view) I would recommend always thinking about situations before they happen... movies, mall, restaurants, grocery store, etc. If she does this... then I will do this.... if it is here then I will do this... Be prepared! ;) If your mind is already thought about it, then you dont' spend seconds of her getting away with it while you are trying to figure out the best strategy.

Good luck! :)

Oh, one more thing... Constantly reward all the good things she does.

*Although, my 19 month old is now doing the stand up in the cart, I say sit down, she does. Then I say Good girl!, she smiles, then stands up again! She learned she has to be up to sit down to get the 'reward'!!!! LOL At least she knows sitting gets the positive reinforcement!

Look around you and you will see that there aren't many other toddlers out and about. We gave up and started staying home. It's only for a few years. Our 3.5 year old is still a pain to take out sometimes but it's getting easier everyday. You have to keep it short and schedule it when they are well rested and feed. Forget casual browsing. The whole event is about training the toddler and keeping them engadged.

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A 20 mo old does not cooperate as an adult. Keep her in the stroller, in a harness, that zips up the back. Carry a backpack with you. Go between the 2 and putting her down when you are right there. Never take your eyes off of her.
By 3, she will be much better. But you still need her stroller. We do time out in public places. We find a spot and turn her back to the fun going on and stay right there.

I give the same answer all the time for 2yo questions, which is to read John Rosemond's book Making the Terrible Twos Terrific. It is excellent, and explains why they behave the way they do, and how to solve it, which makes them and you happier. First of all, you need to be the parent; it doesn't matter if she doesn't want to wear the leash, or ride in the cart or stroller. If that is your preference, that is what she must do. Once you adopt that attitude, and stick with it, she'll get the message. If she's having a fit, then one of you takes her to the car and straps her in the car seat for a cool down. If that's not enough, then (come in separate cars if you expect such a demonstration, and plan for it) take her home and put her in her room. That will make an impression. Anyway, the book is on amazon, maybe the library, or his website www.rosemond.com. Good luck!

I would personally not quit your lifestyle but instead make your daughter understand how to behave appropriately in a public setting. The first time she misbehaves get down on her level and explain that her behavior is not appropriate and explain how you expect her to act. The second time put her in time out. This can be hard in public. Find a bench or have her sit down for a time out along a wall. If you discipline the same way each time she misbehaves she will get the idea that if she doesn't behave she will be in time out. If she is the kind to throw a tantrum just remember that even if people look at you more than likely they have been in your shoes before. Who cares what others think. It is more important that your daughter learn how to behave.

Good luck!

We have raised 3 kids. My first two were always well behaved regardless of the time or place. I worked all the time with them, from about 6 months until 6 years, on the ins and outs of good behavior. It was altogether a different story with our third. I worked hard on teaching her to behave the same as the first two, but not AS hard. For the MOST part she was and is very well behaved, but there were times that she was simply a handful, difficult to handle. In my case it was a lack of enough disipline. She had quite a bit, but not enough....I can't say that disipline is your issue at hand. It could also be her independence comming out. Keep working at it you'll figure it out.