Kids Being Mean to My Son.... Advice Please.

Sorry but for the most part 8 and 9 yr olds just don't want to play with 5 yr olds.
It has nothing to do with anything else and there's nothing to discuss with their parents.

Now in the neighborhood I grew up in (small horse shoe street in the 70's), most of the time similar ages played with similar ages but SOMETIMES ALL the kids would play together (like some varieties of dodge ball) - we had a range of kids from 5 yrs old to 18 yrs old and the older kids looked out for the younger and everyone had a great time.
The older kids would also take younger around for Trick or Treating and everyone knew everyone and their parents.

I think you need to let it go. The other kids are older and probably don't want to play with a younger kid. He will need to learn how to work things out on his own. I would consider counseling for him. A counselor can help work on his age level and give him tips to help him learn personal space and how to control his actions. I know it's hard (I have an ADHD kiddo) but it is doable !

Let me ask you this. Do you think your son is being mean when he says he doesn't want to play with Sarah and Gage?

I don't think these boys are being mean to your son. I think they are quite a bit older in kid terms (we see them as close in age, they see themselves as miles apart) and don't want to play with a 5 year old, especially if your child isn't at the same level as they are (for instance a 9 year old is often better at basketball than a 5 year old).

Don't contact the parents. Their children aren't being bullies or even doing anything wrong. Tell your son that they are too old for him and keep reminding him about personal space.

I just want to throw this out there in case you hadn't thought of it. My youngest had the same issues with the long acting wearing off too early and yeah, the short acting kicks your butt, even I won't take it. Makes me feel like I drank two gallons of coffee at once. I digress, I sent her meds to the school. She would get off the bus, go to the nurses office, the meds would be waiting, take them and go on to class. No one ever noticed and what it did was gave her about another hour in the afternoon. Something to think about?

That is an age issue and nothing more. Kids do not need to play with everyone. Older kids do not need to play with your son just because your son wants them to. Also consider your son's attitude towards the kids his own age, he is saying he doesn't want to play with them. Shouldn't he play with everyone as well? What I mean is use his feelings towards the kids his own age to understand the feelings of the older kids. They are not being mean, they just don't want to play with a child three or four years younger than them.

You really should consider not using words like not nice to describe older kids not wanting to play with what they consider a baby. That word usage is not nice. It is not the first time or the last when kids will not want to play with him, nothing more.

Talk to the parents about what? What are you going to say? Your 9 year old kid won't play with my 5 year old? If you came over and had this conversation with me I would tell you that I'm sorry if you feel my child was rude but that your expectations of my 9 year old playing with your 5 year old were not reasonable. The reason these kids are hiding is because they don't want to play with a little kid.

I really don't believe this is ADHD issue, this is an age issue. Your son is 5 these other kids are 8 or 9. Big age difference. To them, a 5 year old is a pest. Sorry but its true.

What I would suggest is arrange for friends to come over and play after school. Continue to teach your son about personal space and that not everyone is going to play with him. I know its hard, believe me I do but he does need to learn that lesson.

Let it go.,.
He is doing great asking, but then he has to accept the answer.

It is just like when he asks you for something and you tell him no, you are not being mean you are doing what you want to do or need to do.

They are not being "mean", they are being older kids, that do not want to play with the younger kids. They re being typical.

Not everyone is going to be included invited or even considered all of the time. And with children there is a huge difference playing with children that are 5 vs kids that are in 3rd or 4th grade, physically and emotionally.

Do you ever invite kids from his class to come over and have a play date? Who are his friends at school? Maybe invite a child over on Saturday for a few hours.

Do not go talk to the parents because they won't play with your kid. Kids have the right to play or not play with whom they choose. If some parent came to me and tried to get me to make my kid play with hers, when my kid didn't want to, regardless of the reason, I would be pissed.
It's a hard lesson to learn, but at some point, we all have to accept the fact that not everyone is going to like us, and move on from those who don't, no matter how much we might want to be able to make it otherwise.
Just keep telling him when he insists that he only wants to play with these particular kids, "They don't want to play. It doesn't matter how much you want to play with them. You have two choices. Find someone else to play with, or play alone."

Your five year old needs to learn that he doesn't get to have everything he wants. They have a right not to play with someone 4 years younger, and he does NOT have a right to insist that they should play with him. How would you like it if someone dictated who your friends should be?

You would seriously talk to the parents instead of informing your son that he needs to play with kids his own age?

This has nothing to do with the other kids not being "nice," and it's wrong of you to call them "mean." Your son does not get to demand that people play with him, and refuse to play with his peers. I think you've got this backward.

I think this sounds just like an age issue, and not an ADHD issue. My boys have a neighbor friend who has a younger brother. Everytime the friend comes to play, the parents try to pawn off the younger one too. I've gotten better at saying no. All that happens is we end up babysitting him because the older boys (7-9) don't want to hang out with him (3). I get that. So it's the same thing for you...my 9 year old wouldn't want to play with your 5 year old...that's 4th grade and kindergarten, maybe 1st.

So I don't think you talk to the parents. I think you direct your son to play with kids his age or his own toys, or take him out back. I kind of feel bad for the other kids who have to keep telling him no for months on end.

I think it's largely an age thing. Really, 9 year olds are light years ahead of 5 year olds.

If they are calling him names or saying he or something he said is stupid, I think it's extremely effective to walk up to the kids in a calm way, with no anger or accusations or "Just a minute, young man" attitude. Instead, say in a friendly voice, "Hi, excuse me, may I ask you a question? I heard you call this little boy 'weird' and I wonder if you could help me by explaining what the problem is?" Then pause. Say nothing. Do not fill in the silence. They'll probably hem and haw, and then you can respond, "I just want to understand so I can explain it to him, so please tell me how it helps you or makes you feel better to say that he's stupid." Do not yell or criticize them - just ask them to explain. That's a huge difference. Usually that's enough to let kids know that you're aware of what they said, but not aggressive enough for them to bully him for his interfering mom. If they can't come up with a reason for what they said (and of course they can't), you can end with, "Well, you're old enough to figure out a way to be a good example to younger kids who just look up to you and want to be like you. I bet you'll do better the next time."

this is not especially an adhd issue. it is more an age thing. why would an 8 year old want to willingly play with an annoying 5 year old unless they are related and no choice. you need to say point blank they are older you need to play with x. let it go. at 5 he should be playing in your yard so if those kids are not in your yard then it won't be an issue if they play with him. I would be annoyed that a neighbor expected my kid to play with hers just because we are neighbors. and trust me i do understand adhd. my youngest is off the charts. he is now 19 but was diagnosed officially at 6. but we knew by the time he was 3 that something was different about this one.

you didn't ask about this but i am sharing it anyway. talk to your doctor about the meds. not sure what your on but there are a lot of them out there. ritilin was a nightmare for us. made my son super emotional. he cried and had anger outbursts which we had never had an issue with. adderal was great but the one was not long enough acting so they added in an afternoon pill which meant he was still going strong at midnight. they wanted to add in a sleep pill to bring him down and then he was dragging in the morning. they switched him to a time release adderall which we gave him 20 mins before school started and it lasted til about 7pm so long enough to get supper and homework done. but for us the true miracle med was vyvance. he started taking that at about 14. have not had any issue since then.

you don't say if he is receiving any sort of support services or if your trying to just make him fit in with everyone else. if he is truly adhd there are some accommodations that can be made that will help at school. there are social workers / counselors that can work with him with the social issues. personal space, vocal boundaries etc.

My 5 year old has been diagnosed with Social Pragmatic Communicative Disorder. It's a newer diagnosis, but think Asperger's without the specific traits of Autism. He has trouble understanding social language and understanding how to approach other kids. He is very comfortable playing by himself, but he does want to be included. He sometimes struggles with how to do that.

The think that has helped him the most is going to "Social Skills" at a local agency. Also, he does receive speech services at school. They were just for articulation at first, but as his speech has improved his speech teacher has really shifted the focus to include social skills. He is making great strides!!!

Maybe talk to your pediatrician to see if there is an agency near you that offers something like this. It is often something that children with Autism will receive, so you'll want to see if an agency can take clients who do not have that diagnosis. Still a good program!

Another thing you can do is talk to his teacher about services through the school. My son's kindergarten teacher asked us if he would see the school counselor for social skills. We are happy with the agency we go to, but we will probably try to switch to the school to allow better communication between the teacher and the therapist. Also, it would be nice not to have to get up early on a Saturday, and right now that's the only time we can take him to Social Skills.

Finally, make sure you talk to his doctor about he meds. I would take really good notes for a couple of weeks and then talk to him/her. There are many different meds available. I have heard many families talk about how difficult it was trying different meds, but when they found the right one!!! Wow!!! It was totally worth it!!! Just make sure that this really is the right med for your son. If there is something that would be better for him, don't you want to know that?

This isn't really an ADHD issue. There's a big difference between a five year old and eight and nine year olds. Of course they don't want to play with him (the only time my kids played with older (or younger) kids was when they were with their cousins.)
I made sure my children had school friends over once or twice a week, at least. We had no kids in our neighborhood so playdates had to be arranged but it was worth it. Your son really should be spending time with his school friends, kids his own age that he can bond with.

i'm a little taken aback that you're rewriting the responses of these nice-sounding kids as 'kids being mean to my son.' i was expecting name-calling, hitting or menacing. instead they're doing exactly what they ought to do when confronted with a little fellow whom they don't like- they leave.
it's not your son's fault that his ADHD makes him obnoxious. but it's not the other kids' fault either.
so what do you want to say to their parents? 'my billy wants to play with your danny and you need to make him do it.' do you really think that's going to endear your son to the boys and make him their buddy?
kids should NOT be expected to 'play with everyone.' kids are individuals with likes and dislikes and preferences and nuances, and childhood is the time to explore this, and to learn how to develop and nurture friendships. it doesn't mean they have to learn how to sublimate their own natural preferences and stifle their own need to spend time with people they like. do you do that? hang around with people you really don't like at all because it's important to 'socialize with everyone'?
your son is 5. he hasn't learned how to cope in a single summer. that's okay. he's only 5 and he has a big challenge with ADHD. you need to keep working with him, firmly and sympathetically but without drama and coddling, on how to gauge reactions and learn how to BE a pleasant play companion, not just force others to put up with him. and when he does make a friend, you can encourage it and allow time with that friend, but he still needs to learn how to lower his voice, allow personal space and listen to others as well as talk. it's an ongoing skill-building process. he's not going to just get it, but neither will he get it by forcing relationships.
having to play by himself sometimes will help hurry this lesson along.
khairete
S.

This is probably more of an issue of your son's age, rather than his ADHD. Older kids don't want to play with 5 year olds most of the time. That's pretty age appropriate, in my opinion.

I have a child who displays similar characteristics as your child. WE, as moms, can be sensitive to our child's needs and issues. I am sometimes and my husband will remind me that I'm being overly sensitive. Not in a judgmental way, but just as a reminder. I know that I can be that way at times and i think that we develop that because we have children that we feel we need to protect a little extra. I get it. I truly do.

In this situation with your son, I would encourage him to find other kids to play with who are more his age range. Do you remember being 8 or 9 and wanting to play with 5 year old kids? Most don't and it's OK.

Give your child the tools that he needs to develop other friendships. That's where I would be spending my energy. Maybe help him get involved on a t-ball team? Or, take some type of socialization class.

Hope this makes sense. I can completely relate to what you are going through.

Yep. Let it go. Some older kids LOVE help younger kids and playing with them and some older kids to not want to be bothered by little ones.

I recall a mom who went to a restaurant bar with her 2 year old. A man (about 24 years old) went in for his lunch break and was seat next to her. He looked and saw the 'baby' and asked to be seated away from kids. She was so offended that day. I did not know the man, but I do understand that some people to not want to hear the sweet squawking of a child. He could have been polite and possibly gotten a headache by not moving or he could ask the server to give him the service he wanted and sit in peace.

edit:
I was going to add, you may not want the older influence. Now that my son moved from the kinder playground to the big kid area (still elementary) he is asking what 'douche bag' means and so on. Do you really want your son around this language? Heck 'weird' is nothing.

You're an adult and love your son, and have an enormous amount of patience. Kids don't have those skills yet. They don't want to be around your son because he wares on their patience, they get tired of him talking and bouncing and running around and wanting to do this then that then something else....they just don't want to play with him.

It's hard, I know it is.

We do Ritalin. Do NOT give him his daytime meds so early, they wear off before he even gets to school...

Let the school administer his meds. Then he's fully covered during the day when he needs to be able to concentrate and focus.

If you are home after school, have one of his friends from school come over a day or 2 a week. Take them to a park.

My older son (10) almost never wants to play with younger kids. He does like to play with kids his own age and older kids (who usually reject him, although some are nice. They just don't want to hang out with someone younger). This is normal. Much to my daughter's dismay (age 5), her brother does NOT usually want to play with her when there is a kid his age around. He will run from her or ignore her. Most of his friends have no interest in playing with her either except for some of the girls. Some of them are very sweet and actually like playing with a younger kid. Sometimes I will hire one of them as a "mothers helper" to play with her and watch her while I am getting some work done in the afternoon. So, what I am saying is many kids (but not all) don't really want to play with a younger kid and this has nothing to do with your son having ADHD. Think of it this way, would your son want to play with a 2 or 3 year old that was following him around when he is playing with some of his 5 year old friends? I think what you are telling your son is right...They want to play with kids their own age honey. Leave them alone now. You go play with Sara and Gage. When a big kid who is over at our house is being outright mean to my much younger daughter (if they say something mean), I will say, no, we talk to each other respectfully. Don't say those kinds of things. Or...if you can't be nice you need to go home. Can you speak nicely? It usually works.

FWIW, it's age, not his behavior. My younger boys are 8 & 10 and very rarely do they play with the boy across the street, who is 6. It's rather rotten of the older kids in your neighborhood to be so ungracious, but that's the way kids can be and involving their parents won't make it any better. Just as your son wouldn't play with a 1 or 2 year old, he can't play with the 8 & 9 year olds. The age spread is just too much for this to be realistic. I would just continue to explain this to him and remind him that he wouldn't be a good playmate for a 2 or 3 year old and that we have to stick to buddies our own age.

Regarding the ADHD, you'll find your footing, I promise. My husband and oldest son both are diagnosed and my 10 year old son probably has it too. He's the one with the most noticeable behavioral issues and he's managed to find friends (several who also have ADHD) who are as obnoxious, loud, boisterous, and annoying as he is. It makes for lovely play dates LOL. They're a little loud, and very rough around the edges, but they all get along well and don't mind each others' challenging personality traits and behaviors. Your son will find peers who won't see him as annoying and obnoxious because they'll either be totally opposite from him and in awe of his spunk and energy or just like him and will find his behavior totally normal and entertaining.

Some people don't teach their kids manners or just how to be personable in general.

Kids should be taught to be polite even if it means saying no. They can do so without being rude.

A better understanding of others comes with age and maturity. Your son will begin to understand who he wants to be friends with and who to stay away from. As of right now, I am sure he just wants to be friends with everyone. Our daughter is 9 in third grade and is beginning to see friendship a little more clearly this year.

umm, its happening because the older kids arent polite enough to know they should at least try to include a younger child, but they havent figured out that it could be to their advantage to do so..at least they havent been stupid enough to be cruel to your child with you looking right at them, if you ignore the older kids, that are ignoring your child, your child will pick up the hint from you ignoring the older kids, rather then trying to play with them. if your child asks to play with the older kids , say, sorry, kiddo but , how about playing with these kids, they want to play with you, and we brought a ball for you and these kids to play with..hows that ?? K. h. in this day and age, when far too many parents dump their kids somewhere andthen run back to their cars, being available to your child ie..an hoverer..is far better then leaving your kid with no supervision and hoping they dont get hurt, typically by the kids that arent being at least marginally supervised.and, yes, if your kid is being called names by these other kids..CONFRONT THEM..they know better then to call a little kid names, they are doing it because they think they can get away with it, this week, it will be name calling, next week, if unconfronted, it will pushing and shoving.