Kinda Morbid, but I've Been Thinking (In-law Related)...

I know my in-law's care (and my parents care) will fall on us. And my husband and I will eventually have to plan for care and action.

BUT,

I think if really sat down and started thinking about that today, I'd need a tall glass of whiskey.

I personally would still involve them, but I would not be a caretaker. My rationale would be that the offer was extended under the condition that there were 2 caretakers. Now that there is only one, the workload would require me to basically sacrifice my life and livelihood.

Pondering what you'd do if your husband died is avoiding the real question. You shouldn't have them live with you even if he's hearty and healthy for decades to come.

Please, please look at your and your husband's definitions of "taking care of his parents."

If you define that only as "they will live with us," you are asking for your own marriage to be damaged and your own life to be permanently and irreversibly altered.

Many people do beautifully with older relatives living with them. It can be a blessing. It was in our family; my mother and father took in my grandmother when she was widowed and she lived the rest of her very long life with them (nearly another 40 years under their roof!). So I'm coming at this as someone who knows it can work so well for the in-law(s) to live with the adult children.

But your e-mail is so full of huge, waving red flags saying you should never have your in-laws live with you -- can you see that for yourself? Your post says that:

-- People "commonly" tell you you're a saint to put up with them.
--Your MIL is "one of the most annoying people I have ever met"
--You already know that you will need to "vent my frustrations" at the end of every day when they live with you -- and they are not even living with you yet! You are planning ahead to be miserable, daily. That is sad.

Do you want to live that way? Every day?

You and your husband need a long and very serious talk together about what you both mean by "take care of his parents." I would redefine that clearly to yourselves and to THEM as meaning you will find them the right accommodation -- today there are many options for seniors, including ones who are ill or have mobility issues or Alzheimer's etc. It will cost you, yes, but the alternative (see your own words again, above!) might be losing your own sanity.

Do you really crave "sainthood" at the cost of the rest of your life with someone you find the most annoying person alive?

Do you realize that living under the same roof as someone you find annoying only magnifies your annoyance about a million times?

And one last thing -- whether she wants to be babied or not, adult daughter must participate in what happens to mom and dad and that does including paying for things. Seriously, she cannot abdicate all responsibility for her parents to her brother and you. She may not be their rock, as you put it, but she has to play a role.

If she or MIL and FIL whine or get angry because "they EXPECT to live with you," you and your husband must, must be on the same page and stick together and not cave in to emotional blackmail. Can your husband hack that? If he insists they live with you against your wishes -- you and he have marriage work to do, too. Does he respect you enough to understand what having his parents in your home would do to you?

You can love someone and not be able to live with that person and it does not make you wrong, bad or evil. It means you understand your own needs and limitations and do not intend to spend the rest of your life being frustrated and annoyed. Those last two words are yours!

I will NOT take care of my parents or in-laws. By that, I mean they will not be living in my home. I will pay good money, to put them in a lovely and enjoyable facility. I just can't do it. I know I can't. People who can, are saints. I often wonder (I'm sure it's selfish of me) why, though? Why e a saint? I mean, "taking care of" doesn't mean you have to live with them and take care of their every need. Right? If my husband were to pass first, they would be places somewhere. Maybe, I'm just really callous. I don't know.

My husband's grandmother lives in a really wonderful place, and his parents and aunts and uncles visit her twice a week. She is happy as a clam. I plan on doing the same thing with our folks. It will fall on us, for sure.

I LOVED my father very much and I did care for him, but not in my home. I cared for myself enough to know that would be a bad deal for me. I wanted to remain sane. I can say that I took good care of my Dad and am guilt free. I visited him daily and made sure he was always in a safe place with good care. I intervened when necessary, cooked and shopped for him, etc... BUT I maintained my own life.

Prepare now. Have your husband help them set up a savings plan so that they can afford care. You might consider a savings account for the same purpose. When and if the time comes that you need to step in then you will research and find affordable help. If either is a veteran there will be help there that you can research and acquire. Keep your fingers crossed that medicare will still exist.

My perspective is that you can be a wonderful DIL without dedicating your life and your home to your in-laws. Try not to worry about it now. You can't really plan stuff like this. You take it as it comes.

I think you should cross that bridge when it comes and not put any more thought into it.

I've given taking care of parents some thought. First because my own parents needed care. Then because a friend needed help and now I'm looking forward and planning for my own care. The plan from when I was young was for my mother to live with me. In the meantime I acquired a daughter and a granddaughter and my mother could not stand having them in my life. True, I was having to take care of them, also.

So, my brother moved in with her. Not his first plan for life but when I wasn't able he stepped in. What I'm suggesting is that when the time comes you will be able to work something out. You may not be the one to take care of them. It is definitely OK to say you cannot do it. Taking care of you is your first responsibility.

My father needed much more care than anyone could give him in a regular home. We applied for and he was accepted for state aide and went to live in a foster home with a trained care provider.

When your parents are no longer able to care for themselves and are not able to pay someone to care for them or to pay for a care facility the state will step in and help with arrangements and cost. A foster home is good. A nursing home not so good but it's much better than you and them living at odds with each other.

So, I'd consider getting state aid before having them move in with you even if your husband is still around. Start doing research to find out what's available. Make plans now for them to get help elsewhere. Your own health and the happiness of your immediate family should be top priority.

Also, "don't borrow trouble" as the saying goes. Do not allow yourself to focus on the negative and get yourself upset. Use your fear to motivate you to find out what other options are available.

Another thought. How old are your in-laws? Perhaps there's still time for them to work out a different plan. Perhaps between their assests such as a property and their retirement income they have enough to pay for a retirement facility. If they have assets it's time to have them consider alternative care.

My friend and her husband were buying a house. They sold it and put the money into an annuity and she is still living in the retirement apartment living off the annuity and social security. She gets $10,000 a year from a friend.

Perhaps with financial help from you they could live elsewhere.

I think it's probably something you do out of love and respect for your husband--be he dead or alive.
My mom cared for ( didn't live with ) her EX MIL for many years after my dad passed. There wasn't anyone else, really, and although there was no bad blood between them after the divorce, my gram wasn't all sunshine & unicorns, if you know what I mean!
I think she did it because she did care about her MIL and she thought it was the right thing to do.

I really don't know the "proper" thing to do, but IMHO, it's his parents so it would be his and his sister's responsibility. Sis is just going to have to step up to the plate when the time comes.

BTW, I wouldn't let sis know that you two have discussed it and intend to provide care for them when/if the time comes. That way, she won't be expecting you to do it if, God forbid, your hubby predeceases one or both of them.

ETA after your SWH - Don't forget that you shouldn't have a 2 story condo and a bunch of steps for old folks. Nursing homes and assisted living places never have those. Falling is so common when there are steps involved.

Original:
Look, you don't have to take care of your parents-in-law by yourself. When they get to the point that they cannot take care of themselves, they can go into assisted living where Medicare will take over. You can still be the good DIL and visit them, help them, etc, but you do not have to live with them. This especially will be important if your husband dies before you do. My mother took good care of her MIL after my dad died. But not at home. My grandmother needed to be somewhere other than in my mom's home. She was with her at the hospital when she died, too.

I know that's not what you have in mind, but do you really want your later years to be full of a difficult MIL?

Dawn

A caregiver needs to know his or her own limitations. You can hire a nurse, find a good assisted living situation, have an in-law suite, enlist their other children (a 35 yr old can certainly fetch her mother's groceries), etc. There is also no reason that a plan can't change. My friend's grandma was in an assisted living place and decided to hate it. So now she lives with her son and his wife and drives THEM crazy vs driving her granddaughter crazy. Another friend shared care for her father with her sisters and recently placed him in a nursing home, as his care became more than they could handle. So if you can't deal with her on your own, you can find another solution.

Life is uncertain so you'll likely have to make decisions on the fly, and adapt as you go. However, it's great that you are thinking of your options ahead of time. Have you considered eventually moving to a 2 family house, or a home with a mother-in-law apartment attached? There's a reason for the term. It's not uncommon to want to care for your in-laws but not share a house (or a kitchen) with them.

My dad's parents lived in a separate apartment behind ours when I was growing up. My uncle and his family lived in the apartment below us. It was kind of cool having my grandparents and cousins living close by. But my grandmother drove my mom and aunt crazy. Maybe she thought that was her job as a MIL from overseas.

You are right not to expect your sister-in-law to take care of your husband's parents. Even tho it would be nice if she did, you can't make anyone willing or able to take on that job. Only you can decide if and what you are willing to do.

Fear not.

I vote you put all the unknown future care thoughts aside until the time comes.. A lot can happen between now and then. You can easily make plans when the time comes, and adjust plans if they don't work well for all involved. And if it includes everyone living together under one roof, so be it. But honestly, it probably will not. Most families need to protect their family privacy and alone time.

Are your in-laws extremely poor and have no resources and would need someone else to put a roof over their head? Or have they planned and saved for their more senior years?

Please, stop worrying about this. However, I too have had the same thoughts that plagued for a time with my in-laws, but now my FIL is 90 and still living independently with MIL, who is 85. We are visiting the end of the month. We have paid for their living expenses before, but now just hire a driver and cleaner. Other siblings pitch in too.

** update ** so, where do you live? Do you have retirement communities nearby, like Leisure World? I totally understand the foreign culture expectation of caring for one's parents. My hubs is Korean, first born to boot. We looked at buying a home with a MIL suite. There were many options at that time. Also, check with your state, some states subsidize MIL portables. They did in SoCalif long time ago, and they can be set up attractively. Just some thoughts....GL!

We have some very dear friends who always planned to take care of their aged parents, if and when necessary, no matter what. It was a source of sadness to them that they didn't have the opportunity. Her parents had taken care of her grandparents, moving them into their home as the need arose, and they set her a example of this kind of loving care. She said her grandparents weren't always easy people to get along with, either.

Maybe what might help you would be to find someone to talk to about what you would need to expect if you took care of a parent, especially one with a, um, challenging personality. If you don't know whom to talk to, start with your doctor, and go on from there. Don't settle for listening to people who would not even consider doing what you're considering.

It must be doable - people took care of their older family members for generations before nursing homes and assisted living centers were thought up. I commend you for even wanting to do it!

Ideally, their own adult child, should be doing this. Their 35 year old daughter. And when her parents get to that point of needing assistance, she has to grow up. OR your Husband's sister... ALSO HAS TO BE a part of this.

Despite cultural expectations of caring for our elder aging parents, (as it is here in Hawaii as well), you need to know, that care-taking is very difficult.
Especially if, the elders have health problems or that which incapacitates them. It is not just running errands or cleaning for them. But much more.
My late Dad was ill for a long time... my Mom alone, could not care for him everyday, 24/7, day and night. Hence, my Dad, asked me and my Husband to help. Of course we were already doing that. But, it took, me/my husband/my Mom, ALL of us, to help my Dad, everyday. Just going to and from appointments alone, was a logistical, hardship. And physically for my Dad. And having to take off of work etc. to do so. Care taking... is a full time "job." And not to mention, the emotional care taking as well, of the person. And watching out for them, per falls or safety or what they are ingesting/eating.
And, burn-out of the care-takers... is very frequent.
Venting to a spouse, is not enough, to alleviate the "stress" of it.
And if often can create a lot of conflicts, amongst every family member.

Even if you get them a condo to live in... CAN they then at that point...even be able to care for themselves????
There are many factors to this.
Which are very hard to foresee and predict, when it is not yet happening.
But... it is GOOD that you are thinking of this now.

What you need to consider if whether or not your IL's have made plans of their own or not. My grandparents have made plans for themselves. They never, ever have wanted any of their children to make plans and assumptions for them. So my parents and uncles and my husband and I can make all of the plans we think are best, but my grandparents thought this all out years ago and know what they want and are executing it the way THEY want now that it's coming to pass.

In other words, don't make assumptions. They may not like the "plans" you have for them.

EDIT: With your SWH, you may want to consider buying a house that has an in-law apartment attached to it or on the property. That way, they're nearby and easy to help them out when it's necessary but they (and you) have separate living quarters including kitchen, living room, dining, and bedroom. If you can't find a property with an in-law apartment then maybe you can find a property where you can add one on, and make sure that it's disability-accessible 100%. That would mean no stairs (including leading outside), wide doorways, open floor plan, handle bars in the shower stall and next to the toilet, and more.

There are a lot of responses below telling you to take a stand & not plan on caring for your in-laws by having them live with you.
Let me offer another side of the coin:
Many cultures (theirs included) make assumptions that family bonds are stronger than anything else, & family members will be there for each other - parents for their children to raise them & offer them what is needed to succeed in life, & children for their parents to care for & support them when they are most vulnerable in their twilight years.
Your in-laws made significant sacrifices to help your husband get to his success in life, & now you both have benefitted from that. Additionally, they were adversely affected by the changing economic situation in our country.
Think if it were your parents. If they had done the same, & were facing the same prospective situation. You would do what you needed to in order to ensure they were cared for, I'm sure. Even if you had a brother/sister who didn't feel the same.
Your in-laws are your family. Despite having a difficult personality, I don't read anything in your post to indicate that your in-laws have shunned you, treated you as a lesser person, etc.
I applaud your heart for wanting to make sure they are taken care of. And whether your husband is alive or not, they will still potentially have needs that it sounds like his sister is not currently able to/willing to meet.
Now, all that said, does it mean that you must open your home & let them live with you, side by side? Or, alternatively, take out a 2nd mortgage to put them into a separate residence, or force them to rely on whatever governmental aid they can obtain?
Of course not. Talk to your husband, & think about what will work best for your family. Perhaps you are both planning on finding another place in a few years - maybe a property with a separate cottage, or a home that can be renovated into separate living areas (realtors will know wht you mean when you ask for a home with "in law" quarters).
In my area, there are also duplexes (one house, 2 levels treated as 2 apartments, one usually larger than the other).
Talk to people now that can help you understand what gov't aid, programs, support, etc. will/might be available should the need arise. Perhaps it would be used to supplement what you are already doing.
After you & your husband have talked & come to mutual purpose on what you want to make sure to provide & where you absolutely cannot compromise, then include your in-laws in a discussion. Talk as adults in a loving, respectful way. Don't point out annoying habits, & lay down ultimatums for change in order to proceed. Instead, express your desire to maintain their support now & offer your support when they need it, as a family unit. And talk about how they can help, what they would like, what they may not be expecting.
Don't forget to also talk to your sister in-law. Maybe she envisions herself as being someone to step in when the need arises, & it just hasn't come out in her interactions with your in-laws because the situation hasn't changed. Give her the opportunity to be involved in the planning, & ask her how she can help, or point out areas that she could share the responsibility with both of you when the time comes.
T.
One thing about this life we live - it always changes! We start out with plans, & then opportunities come up that we take which diverges our paths, or obstacles come up that cause us to follow plan-B. Planning now doesn't guarantee anything in the future, but do what you can to lay a foundation, so you can adjust as things change.

My MIL is a nightmare too. An alcoholic nightmare who has been very mean to me up until her cheating son (my soon to be ex) exceeded all world's record's for wrongness..and now she just doesn't talk to me, except to get my kids to visit her-and she goes through her son, but isn't hostile to me at least like she used to be before he screwed the pooch. I can't stand her for three hours much less years.

My mom takes care of her mom in her home. And her mom took care of hers and her mom hers....My relationship with my mom is very strained, but I would make it work if she needed to live with me. For now it looks like she'll stay nestled in her home surrounded with more like-minded family members-phew-but I would do it for her if needed.

Would I take in my husband's parents? HELL NO!!!!! Not even if he and I stayed together. I would absolutely refuse and let him leave me if he wanted. She is toooooooooooooo difficult. But again, the situation is a little different. But honestly, it sounds like your life would become EXTREMELY stressful, and for in-laws...not sure it's really your responsibility especially if your husband passed away. Which we'll all pray he doesn't.