I'm thinking this sounds much better. What say you?
You are no longer welcome in our home. You may not be aware that I have full legal authority to make any and all decisions regarding my mother. I wish you had taken the high road and spoken directly to me about your concerns, but you didn’t. That speaks volumes to me. For the time being, I would prefer you contact mom through email only.
Thank you ladies that answered my first posting. I think I was seeking some validation for my feelings and you helped me greatly! Any suggestions for this version are appreciated!
I think I will contact an attorney. Ours retired last year :(
Ronda, you obviously have never had to deal with someone like my Aunt. I hope you never have too.
Susan, my mom is at a stage where she doesn't ask about or miss people. Her best friend died last year, and she hasn't mentioned her once. She never asks about her sister or brother, or my sister! Yes, I would have to read the emails to her and type out what she says back. That's why I was thinking skype or the phone on speaker, so I could monitor the conversation from nearby. I could kick myself in the butt for giving her more information than necessary. I was in a hurry and didn't stop to think who I was dealing with. And I am protecting my mother. I wouldn't put it past my aunt to show up here with a will and try to trick her into signing it. I really like how you worded the response.
Marda, I am terrified if I don't tell her not to come she will show up unannounced and try to pull something. I'm getting out all my paperwork tomorrow and finding an attorney to review it all and see what else is recommended to protect my mom.
Thanks for all your help, I really appreciate it!
I would shorten it to:
Just a note to make you aware, I have full legal authority to make any and all decisions regarding my mother due to her health. I would prefer you contact mom through email only to limit upset to her.
Thanks,
OGM
or, don't write her or respond at all. Either way from this point, if she chooses to react by threatening/ranting or any other inappropriate response, I wouldn't respond.
Mare,
I'm sorry - anything you say is going to be blown out of proportion by this evil woman. She will make this out to be much worse than it is and you are "out to get her".
If she calls again? Tell her that she may NOT speak to your mother without her guardian present - which is you.
I'm sorry. I really am. I don't believe that ANYTHING you write will be accepted by this woman. NOR do I believe she will walk away quietly...if you send ANYTHING - she will make it out to be a threat or try to create more drama...
I agree with contacting an attorney. Your aunt sounds nuts. I read both of these posts and agree that there should be no personal contact between the two of them. If your mom is in a care situation/residence, caregivers should be notified that aunt may try to contact directly, just for your mom's own peace and safety. You don't need to give the caregivers a lot of the drama, just "This person has attempted to get money from my mother on several occasions and we need to make sure Mom isn't manipulated."
So sorry you are going through this.
Not go be rude, Rhonda, but some people you just do NOT go into mediation with. Some people are so emotionally dangerous and manipulative, it's foolish to even be in the same room with them. It would be great if things could be worked out-- mediation is when ALL parties seem to be reasonable and want to work toward an amicable solution. The out and out lies described previously already suggest that it would only be folly.
After reading others responses, I agree, I wouldn't send. Hire a lawyer and let the lawyer do the talking.
There are real whack jobs in this world. Unfortunately, it sounds like aunt is one of those. I'm sorry. I understand your anger. I would be too.
Protecting your family is your priority. Don't let her make more trouble for the family. It's sad there are people who need to make others miserable in order to make themselves feel better or happy. Please don't lower yourself to her level.
Better - but you can still shorten it to make your points:
You are no longer welcome in our home.
I have full legal authority to make any and all decisions regarding my mother.
You may contact Mom through email only.
If you have any questions or concerns your lawyer can contact my lawyer.
That should pretty much cover everything that needs to be said.
It might be better to have your attorney write it...
I'm not a fan of putting contentious things in writing except for bare-bones, factual items (and even then I'd be very careful).
I would cool off a few days before communicating with her again, in email or otherwise. Do you have to respond right away? Don't let her create a sense of urgency.
I read your other question but didn't get a chance to chime in. IMHO your reaction is reasonable in light of her history. That being said, I'd still be careful.
JMO.
Better!
But be aware that thee are some people who are just so enmeshed in their own twisted reality--she might believe her own fabrications!
In short--she may not respect your requests at all. So be ready to get your attorney involved!
Less is more. Be careful with what you write as it could be ammunition for her.
By you stating you have full legal authority of your mother, it may come off as you control your mother and if she (your aunt) does not follow your orders than she can not talk to her sister.
I am sure she is making your life a living hell. Just remember, you are the one in power, not her. Take the high road. You do not owe her an explanation. If you want to really get under her skin, do not acknowledge her.
If you want to let your aunt know your dad told you what she said just mention that they did. Be explicit about the court order that gives you authorithy. Then say your boundaries as they relate to your mom and you.
when you only say you have legal authority she can question whether or not that's true and agitate her way back in to having a say. You want to be clear, concise and confident.
Based only on what you've written I would not even write a letter unless doing so will stop her from harassing you. I'd wait until she contacted me again and be ready with a confident, clear and concise answer. I suggest sending a letter will stir her into more action.
I think B's answer is perfect.
Your aunt doesn't care about anyone but herself. She's shown that in the past and there's no reason to think it'll change in the future. Anything you say will be twisted for drama for you may want to cc letters to other family members to give them a heads up on what you are actually sending. I think you are doing the best thing for everyone to keep her at arm's length so that you can concentrate on the care and treatment of your mom.
Best of luck.
As I said in response to your first post, there are two sides to every story.
We cannot say that she is evil; we have not heard her side.
Go for mediation.
ETA: NervyGirl, I am not taking your reply as rude. I agree with you. But, we are only hearing one side and with what I know about family feuds concerning wills and the family relationships in regard to that, the aunt's side has not been heard.
I read your first post and a rough draft of your letter. I agree that you need to just send her a brief note and "take the high road" in your communications. How does your mother feel about not seeing her sister in person and is your mother able to comprehend a (supervised) visit with her sister? Since you mentioned the dementia, is your mother able to understand the emails that her sister would send and reply or do you read it to her and respond. I know that your Aunt has made you very ANGRY (and with good cause) and I think you take it as a personal affront to you. I think that you have communicated too much with her explaining why you couldn't 1) send money 2) accommodate her visit (about your sister, your son's GF family). That extra information probably led her to "assume" things that you did not intend which probably led to her contacting other members of your family. Are you punishing your Aunt or protecting your mother ?? I think I would reword it this way: We are not able to accommodate your visit and Mother is not up to stressful situations. For the last seven years I have had full legal authority to make any and all decisions regarding my mother. For the time being, I would prefer that you contact me or my mother through email only. Hope this helps. I know you are dealing with a very stressful situation . Good luck.
