Learning the Best Way to Discipline and What to Do When Friends Help Out

i think your friends are trying to be nice, like mine were, but in reality they're not helping. your son hears them say that. so he needs to hear YOU say, "no i'm sorry, little timmy needs to know that we don't grab toys from someone's hand. honey you need to give it back." if he doesn't "get it", gently take the toy and give it back to the original child. be confidant that you are doing the right thing. you have to be confidant enough to stand up for what's right. it shouldn't be a long process, just deal with it, and move on. a not-yet-two-year-old is not going to give the toy back out the the kindness of his heart lol. selflessness and sharing are not natural, they have to be taught. at this age don't expect him to do it himself. show him what to do. by dragging it out, you're just making things harder for yourself, your son, and more importantly, the wronged child, who is probably not happy at having their toy snatched away.

S., you and hubby need to get a game plan. your two year old is plenty old enough to be disciplined, be it time out, redirection, whatever you choose to do. this is a difficult age, when my son was at this age i was still using a combination of both, depending on what i thought his motives were. if he's being deliberately naughty and doing something you know he knows not to, then it's time for time outs. if he's just being curious and doesn't know, then redirect by all means. but discuss your plan with hubby and DO IT, don't hem and haw and end up doing something different each time just out of confusion and a lack of confidence.

and the "no's"? well some people will tell you that telling your parent "NO" is unacceptable, a form of disrespect...at 2, i feel it's just a bid for independance. i never made a big deal over what came out of my son's mouth at this age, as long as he did what he was told. and when mommy tells you to do something and you don't, that's when timeouts come into play. that is deliberate, knowing, disobedience. so i guess my advice would be ignore the "no's", don't even acknowledge that he says it. just enforce him doing what he was told. don't worry about who is watching - if your child is being obstinate and telling you no, discipline him as you would at home and go on with life. it shouldn't matter who is around or where you are. that is the hardest part of discipline. but you have to get over it. you're a first timer, give yourself a break. it's all a learning process. you'll get there! no one ever tells us parenting is this much work - but to do it RIGHT, it is constant work. good luck!

for #2 - friends or others negating what you're doing.
I know how frustrating that can be. My boyfriend and I do our best to handle those situations with discipline and letting him know that he can't get things that way. If he takes a toy, or whines about something, we put a stop to it immediately (or at least try to) and someone will say "oh its fine.....insert comment here....". To which we reply, "no, it's not" and then redirect our attention to the situation, getting the toy back, finishing his plate, etc. You are the parent, you have to stick by your beliefs. Your friends will understand. Just explain to them that while they might think its ok for your kid to just take a toy, you are trying to teach him before its too late that that's not ok to do. Ask them nicely that when in front of your child they don't say anything regarding discipline. It's not until other people start okaying things I feel that we the disciplinarians start being percieved as the bad guy. Fear of being the bad guy is what I feel makes discipline so hard. But it's gotta be done, and the kids bounce back in a second from it.
ALL 2 year olds say no, even the most well behaved. So when your child says no, don't worry about what other people are thinkng. Some may be thinking, "thank goodness that stage is over with mine', or '"oh i remember that!" or, "That will be me someday'. You judge you more than others do. Just handle things the way you want to, trust your instincts and don't let anyone go over you when it comes to your kids.

My two cents:
As your child gets older, you'll learn that you *can* trust your instincts on what works best for your child and family and the "what do others think" thoughts don't nag at you so much.

And when someone nicely tries to help with the "it's fine, he can have it", how about a reply like "thank you, but right now I'd like him to practice turn taking" and then telling your son something like "Joey's Mom says you can play with this toy now, but I don't think Joey was done with his turn yet. Let's let Joey finish his turn" and then try to redirect your son to another toy.

Discipline is hard and it lasts a long time....I think you are on the absolute right path and have all the principles down pat."ignoring some bad behavior, rewarding good, 123 and timeouts are all good tools and useful to think about.

Another thought is to keep in mind that little people really do not have the skills yet and need to learn them from an adult. If a child wants something he tries to get it and doesn't think about how the other person feels. Playing ask and give games with him can help. Hold out your hand and ask him if you can have a turn with what he is playing with. Teach him to do that with other children and to wait and take turns with a desired one of a kind toy or piece of equipment. It is amazing how quickly and happily children learn this along with please and thank yous. They don't just figure it out on their own though usually.

Ignoring bad behavior depends on who is being hurt by the bad behavior and what difference it makes. If no one is really hurt bothered or offended and if the child himself is the only victim, then it can be ignored and one hopes the lesson is learned. If the child makes someone unhappy or hurt it is a good time to try to encourage a bit of empathy. Punishment is not as effective as comforting the hurt child and pointing out to the aggressor that Susie's arm hurts when you do that and finding out what we can do to make Susie happy again (if at all possible) sometimes works and makes sense.

The goal of discipline is to teach the young person control his own behavior in ways that make his or her life better by becoming a person other people trust, and want to be with and feel safe with, and LIKE. Talking about feelings, his and other people's, and being able to put words to them is also helpful. "I feel sad when you say that to me". "Mommy gets angry when you throw your food all over the clean kitchen floor, Just let me know you are through eating and I will let you go and play with your balls so you can throw them instead."

Feel confident about your own skills as a parent and when you find things that work, don't be concerned about parents who try to be helpful but undermine what you are doing. If they say "it's ok he can have the toy" you can say, "He knows that grabbing a toy instead of asking isn't the way to get what he wants." If the children are the right age you can get them to replay the incident and feed them the lines that make them feel good about the interaction.

I was taking care of my great grandchildren the other day. The two year old wanted the scissors with the pretty blue color her brother had and he came over and offered to let her have a turn with them. Six months ago there might have been some grabbing.

Good luck and relax you have years to perfect what works in your family!!

N.

My friends and I all found yourselves doing the same thing with our kids and undermining each other - though not on purpose. We would encourage our own child to let the toy go to the other kid who want the toy, while demanding our own child return the toy immediately.

It is so much easier to be nice to the other child and teach your own kid a lesson (be it sharing or not grabbing or whatever). By the way, keep in mind all parents of kids between 18 months and three years are trying to figure out how to teach their kids how to be social. And everyone is making it up as they go along.

I highly doubt they are trying to make your efforts futile. Whether at a play date or at the park, I would use language like Elaine suggested. And then make a joke about what we were doing to point it out to everyone. So we were aware. That helped immensely. It also just gets easier because as your children slowly start learning how to be social, how to share, how not to snatch, etc. And you better understand your child and where they are at (i.e., do you need to take two shovels to the park so they understand sharing, do you need to have your child pick out four toys he does not want to share during a play date and put those away with the understanding the rest are up for grabs, etc.).

Oh, and I would not worry at all about the "no phase." That is their job. They are learning their voice. They are learning to be independent. We try really hard to not give her a chance to answer no ... i.e., give her two acceptable choices (milk or water, instead of do you want milk now). That said, she still goes into her "no" mood ... and that is nothing to be embarrassed about. The book, Positive Parenting, has a good section on "no" and the "terrible twos" how to deal with it and why it is 100% normal, healthy milestone.

i found 2 books to be helpful as 123 and timeouts didn't work for my daughter. they are 'love and logic' and 'positive discipline'. also there is a book called 'your 2 year old, terrible or tender'. the last one was written in the 70's so some concepts are outdated, i.e. spanking. but it gives parents a lot of good information otherwise. personally i would talk to the friends away from your child and let them know that you are trying to work on certain behavior with your child. also, i know what you mean about feeling like everyone is watching. if they have kids they are probably just feeling empathetic. but if they are judging, that's their problem. try to ignore other people, build your patience, and do what is best for you and your child. it gets easier!

those who have kids will understand perfectly the different stages of your son. I will try to be very specific. When he says "No" to everything, that is not a real reason to feel embarrassment. It is just a phase he is going through and he will grow out of it. When your son takes someone else toys and you tell him to give it back, just be polite to the other mom and tell her you are trying to teach him "manners". See, everything is about using our "common sense" to deal with our children stages and do the best we can. Just take things as they come to you and you husband. There is not a perfect formula to deal with future situations and our children. However, be consistent, patient and supportive to our kids are the few things I find important. BTW, you son will soon start asking: What is that? and Where is ----?, very frequently. I just enjoy it.

Just because someone says"it's okay ....." Dose not mean you have to throw in the towel. My reply is " No it's not okay, he really needs to learn .....". A lady did this to me out in public when my son was throwing a huge fit about not getting a toy he wanted. She walked up and said" here he can just have it". Bless her heart for trying to be kind and put us all out of our misery but there was no way I was going to except that toy and ruin all the hard I was doing to teach him you can't always get what you want! That day once we finally got in the car and started driving down the road and a few moments of catching our breaths my son says" I love you mommy". Washed all my doubts away. Don't seconded guess your self and let others undermine you. Make your decisions and stand strong. Your child will love you for it.

Friends and Family should understand that a two year old has a mind of his/her own, but you can try to focus on things you know will get a positive response. If the usual suspects for yeses does not work there might be a showing element to the event and your son wants that extra attention. In that case you can always just do as you usually do and do not be embarrassed about what you need to do to guide your child in public. 2. You can explain beforehand that this might happen and if does this is how he needs to learn to react or you can wait till it happens then while still guiding your son, explain you methods the nice friend. Lastly you can realize that your friend might not want to have any confrontations and relents to your sons behavior and that just what is going to happen.

Good Luck!

I didn't read a response past Adansmama... her response was exactly what I was thinking!

I will add that my son was easily redirected at your child's age. Sometimes I would take him away from the situation and hold him while we "talked" about what happened, what to do differently, how people feel, etc. I began doing real time-outs between 2.5 and 3, and these went over quite well. He knew that he deliberately did something wrong instead of needing to use it as a teaching moment. That, to me, is the big difference when deciding your discipline technique.

Good luck! And cut yourself some slack... you can't be expected to know how to handle each and every situation perfectly. No one can. So just support yourself by being confident that you are doing the best you can! It's the least we mamas can do for ourselves!!!