Legal Tips

M.,

I don't know how the laws very from state to state, but complying with wyoming law, where my divorce took place. I will be able to terminate the parental rights of my ex in regards to my daughter after 1 year of no "meaningful contact". He also hasn't been paying child support for more than that time as well.

Good Luck,
TRUDI

Though I have never been in your position, I can second the previous opinions. Keep it all about facts. Records to back your points are vital. They will speak for themselves on how responsible her father is. Keep it about the safety and emotional/physical well being of your daughter.
Having four kids myself ages 11, 7, 4, 1, I would NEVER send them on a plane by themselves for 1/2 hour let alone longer. I would also NEVER send them to a person they hardly know. Any judge with kids of their own would agree. Stick to the logic and facts and know what you want. If the ex starts to fight, just sit quietly, he will show the judge how responsible he can be with your daughter.
Hope it helps, good luck

Hi M.,
You are the first I have responded to. This hit home with me. I have been divorced two years now. Last March, a year ago now, my kids' dad left the state we live in and moved 1200 miles away. A lot less that the 13 hour flight you describe. HE was awarded visitation every other thanksgiving, every other christmas for one week, every spring break, and one month in July of summer vacation. BUT.........when he lived here he maintained a relationship with the kids, seeing them every Thursday and every other weekend. This gave him the right to continue his relationship with the kids. I think with the lack of involvement on his part, and you can ask your attorney about this, there may be abandonment issues since he lives so far away and hasn't maintained contact with her. My other thought is, if he's not an alcoholic, druggie, and truly has had a change in heart and missed a relationship with his daughter, it may be a good thing for her. You didn't mention if he pays child support, though that has NO bearing on whether he can see her or not. Good Luck to you. Just so you know, i worried sick about my kids being away from my for a month. My daughter is 6 and son 13. They were not going alone mind you, but they have a great time when they see their dad and they look forward to it. The adjustment when they come back, however is hard. They both cry for days upon return. I wish you luck. Have a good attorney. If you aren't satisfied, APPEAL. If you don't think your attorney is fighting your fight, CHANGE. Good Luck!

Hi M. divorce is always hard. I was the product of a divorced family and I am now 37 and it is still tough for me.
From everthing you told me I don't feel your ex-husband is being unreasonable. The only thing he seems guilty of is short conversations and not visiting enough. He seems to be trying to make an effort on being a dad now. All children every want is to feel wanted and loved by both parents. If you keep her from her father that will probaly backfire on you
she may end up resenting you for it. I don't think that's what you want. You may want to get a mediator because there seems room for negotiation rather than going to court. Try finding something that fits into both your comfort zones. Maybe let her go every other month for a long weekend and have him pick only two holidays or perhaps her birthday every other year and only 4 weeks during the summer.
Literally try putting yourself in your daughter shoes. What is best for her? What will make her the healthiest person as she matures. More than likely the more love you can recieve from as many peolpe as possible is the best for any human being to be the happiest they can be. I hope this helps and always come from a place of love and everything will work out fine.

M.,

The most important thing to remember is to leave the emotional stuff at home and stick to the facts--pertinent facts. Judges do not appreciate theatrics (drama is for TV). They are very fair and stick to the legal issues at hand. Most importantly, if your ex-husband has threatened your safety or that of the children at any time, the judge will want to know, and it will affect his/her decision. Good Luck!

J.

I am soooo familiar with this, only my kids dad lives in Wyoming (3 hours away) and he sees them every other weekend and some holidays, and 60 days in the summer with me then getting every other weekend. He calls once in a while..anyway, my daughter was 4 when we split up and she is now 9. When we lived in the same town, visitation was set up as I stated, and it was incredibly hard on my daughter and I began taking her to a counselor, and he took her during the time in the summer that he had her, and the counselor agreed that it was too hard on her-in fact, she said that my daughter was clinically depressed. When we went to court over other issues, (He is also a drunk) we had visitation modified so that my kids were with him 2 weeks in the summer and with me for 1 week, and it rotated like that for the whole summer. We still have that visitation, and it is revisited every year and it is always up to her counselor as to what she feels it should be. SO anyway, I would strongly suggest that you start taking your daughter to a counselor now because you have until June. THe conselor can come to court and testify as to what kind of damage this could do to your daughter. This man is basically a complete stranger, and that is not fair to your little girl to have to be taken away from everything familiar to her. I would also recommend that you start a log of every single time he calls, and take it to court with you to prove how much interest he is really showing (the date and length of the call). ALso, if she ends up being forced to go, make sure that one of the requirements is meeting with a counselor in the area your ex lives in maybe twice a week, or at minimum once a week, and if the counselor thinks that your daughter needs to return to you, OR if your little girl want to come home, she should be able to, and make him agree to that in court so it is documented. Also, make sure that the counselor keeps you informed as to how she is doing after each meeting. I would also make sure to ask what his plans are while she is there-like he he taking off work to spen time with her while she is there, or will she be stuck in a daycare every single day? If he is planning on child care? Why in your right mind would you want to send her? You are a stay at home mom, and obviously whe is better off with you than in a day care. I agree that every child has the right to know their dad, but on the other hand, we are talking about a 5 yr old. If he really wanted to get to know her, then he would take off a week or 2 and come here to see her, and not force her to go somewhere so unfamiliar. Someday you will be comfortable with this, but you have every right to be upset right now. Good luck!

Keep thorough records of contact, include dates, times, and duration. This includes keeping phone bills, envelopes from cards or letters, etc. Airlines charge extra for unaccompanied children. Who will pay for travel? Will you be required to travel 1500 miles to get her back, and can you afford it? Get a guardian ad litem ( court advocate) for your daughter and request mediation. The guardian ad litem protects your daughter. If he is in another state, what are the possibilities of him keeping her there? I suggest seeking out a lawyer or going to a legal clinic.

Have you been keeping track from when he does call and when he did see her. like actual dates and times. If not START!!! I live in Minnesota and MN is all about the moms!! So I;m sure its different everywhere. Since your daughter really doesn't know her father, you wouldn't think the judge would make this little girl go with this man. Do you have a lawyer?? I'd really make sure that you put out there how he doesn't call or see your daughter. I mean your daughter needs to know this man before she goes on long vacations to his place. Do you trust him? How does your daughter feel about him and staying away from you for so long. I think that's asking a little to much from a little girl. I guess all I really have is start keeping track of everything, if you haven't started start now and keep it up. Does he pay child support? If he doesn't its going to be a lot harder for him to get what he is asking. Now that's how it is in MN. Paying child support gives the parents rights. That's why my fiance doesn't ask his ex to pay. I know this probably isn't much help but I I hope in a way it did. Judges are different everywhere though so it is hard to say. Like the mother of my fiances daughter put her in a unsafe situation that involved the mothers brother inappropriate things to the little girl. The judge put in the court order that teh Father had the right to deny rights and that the mother had to keep the child away from the mothers brother. Well the mother did not follow the court order. It took 3 times before the judge finally gave the mother supervised visits. Now to me her rights should have been taken away because she kept putting this child in danger. Every time she had the child she had the uncle of the child around this child. It has been 4 years or it will be in June of this year since the mother has seen the child. She does send a gift for the childs birthday and Christmas, that it! The child will be 8 in May and wants nothing to do with her mother. So its just hard to say what the judge might do. So if any way you don't trust your ex make sure you put that out there.

We went thru a custody thing recently. Generally, the lawyers got to court and then it's pushed thru a mediator. If you guys can't work it out thru that then it goes to court...I hope this helps :) Good luck!

I'm not talking as a parent, I'm talking as a daughter. When I was 5 my parent divorced. My mom married another man who was in the Air Force, and we had to move to England for 3 years. I can tell you that was the hardest thing for all of us children. If you don't allow your daughter to see her father as often as possible, she will resent you for it. Most kid enjoy flying, especiall aty hae doneit onc o twice. If she has to fly alone, then the fligh attendants ar always really great And if you look harder, you should be able to find shorter flights. 1500 miles in 13 hours is a pretty darn slow airplane.

I think you are right! He has NO consideration for the child. I have been in court for my 2 sons and I just kept saying "in their best interest" . Is it in her best interest to fly at age 5 alone for 13 and 1/2 hours to be with someone she barely knows? Hummmmmmmm....... I don't think so!
BTW ... I won my case and it's definitely been "in their best interest".

I live in Utah and I have an ex-husband who lives in Mississippi. he is father too my 2 now teenage boys. Up front you should never keep a child from a parent. The best way to go about the Coming court is very positive ask for 3 thing you want
1. proir notice at least two or three weeks in advance
2. He needs to pay for all the cost of the plane ride to and from each visit
3. He himself or a adult member of his family must travel on the Plane With your child

these may not seem like big things so the judge should agree if you are open to allow the visits, i am assuming he not abusive and the lack of contact and distant is your only problem,then this is the best way to go about it. I can tell you my EX Has open visitation he can come and go as much as he wants can call any time. But he pays for it all any travel cost or phone calls he pays for. my boys still never see him and the get a call maybe one or twice a year. Keep the faith people rarly change, and one day when the beautilful daughter of your comes to you as an adult and asks "mom why did you not let me see my dad" you can put out the court pagers and say "i'm sorry your dad did chose to stay in touch I tried to make it as easy as i could for him"..

GOOD luck
J.

First of all, 13.5 hours?!??? Holy cow, that's a long way!

Secondly, if he's paying child support, then what you have listed above is the standard visitation granted to the noncustodial parent.

Third, I am going to speak from the viewpoint of the noncustodial parent... my husband was the one who did not get to see his daughter a lot when she was younger, first because he was in the Navy and then when he got out he was 1200 miles away. He would see her at holidays and a few times during the summer and would call her regularly (more than your ex).

When she was 5-6 years old, he decided that he wanted to exercise his right to have her stay with him during the summers instead of him traveling to visit her. He always paid for the cost of travel to AND from his house, he arranged the travel schedule with his ex at LEAST a month ahead of time, and he always had a adult fly with her (him, me, aunt or uncle, or grandma or grandpa). I think you can reasonably request these things from your ex, like Julie D said earlier.

Something to note: we only had his daughter for a few weeks the first summer, and she was miserable by the end because she missed her mom so much. Ideally, her mom would have exercised he right to visit her every other weekend during the summer, but she didn't, so it was hard on her. Each summer, we would keep her a little longer as she started to make friends in her dad's neighborhood and got used to the arrangement.

Even though your ex has been a useless father so far, I would give him a chance to be a part of his daughter's life (if he's paying child support like he should!). However, since your daughter hardly knows her dad, it would be ten times harder for her to be away from you, with someone who is basically a stranger... suggest that she stay with him only three weeks the first summer and increase from there each year.

If it has to be six weeks from the get-go, then absolutely make sure you fly out and visit her every other weekend or fly her back to visit you every other weekend (I realize that it may cost quite a bit with the distance you have). Also, you may feel she's too young, but you could consider giving her a kid's cellphone that she can use to call Mom anytime she wants.

Also, for the every other weekend stuff, we found it was easier for HIM to travel and visit HER, and it ended up being more like once a month because of the time commitment and the cost. The only times we made her fly was for the summer visit and the every other holiday. Perhaps if he has family that lives closer to you, they could arrange to spend his weekends there.

So I guess for court (which I don't have experience with either), my recommendations are to show the judge that you are willing to work out a visitation schedule, but suggest that it start out fairly limited until the two get to know each other better. I wish you luck and hope that your ex can turn into a decent father once he realizes how great his daughter is!

P.S. my DH enjoyed his daughter's visits so much that we have since moved to the town where his ex lives so we can fully be a part of his daughter's life

Please get an attorney! This is too serious to try to handle yourself.

Hi M.~

I'm 31 now, but I was a child of this sort of arrangement. Starting at age 3,I flew twice a year from Michigan to Florida to visit my dad. It was horrible. It was scary, lonely, and I hated it every time. Of course, I liked seeing my dad but was terrified to be all alone. I would try to suggest that he come visit her, maybe you can assist him with finding lodging. If he's not that involved it might fizzle out pretty quick when it becomes inconvenient for him to see her. (sorry for the bitterness, just know how she must feel)

Good for you standing up for your daughter's feelings! I commend you for being such a good mama. It's pretty unbelievable how adults can expect kids to be okay with everything the adults want all the time...as if they aren't allowed to have their own feelings on a situation. If they express how they feel, adults sometimes think they are being difficult or disobedient! As long as what the kids want for themselves is safe...won't hurt their hearts, bodies, or minds, they should have a say. What does your daughter think?

Finally, if a relationship with his daughter is that important to him, maybe suggest that he move closer. If my child wasn't living with me, you can bet I would live as close as possible to be as involved as I possibly could!

Good Luck!

I have dealt with this issue a lot. With the airlines there are specifications on whether a child can fly by themselves. a 13 hour flight sounds out of the country so she would not be able to fly until she was 7 or 8. If he wants her to come earlier then he would have to pay for the cost of the adult to travel with her. Make sure you go over all the details like babysitting, food etc when he has her. I know its hard but to give your little one up, but my little ones father just gave up trying since he didnt try that much anyways, so give him a little credit that he is trying. however caution him that since you have raised her you two need to compromise. usually if they havent been involved very much you can ask the judge for supervised visits until the judge feels they have developed a bond. I was awarded that at first, my ex was furious but it helped my ease. hope this helps
A.

We have actually been in court with my husbands ex for the past 3 years. We were married and within 6 months began the court battle--what hell! Anyways, I know how scary and overwhelming it can be. The legal scene is nothing like on TV. It is still a formal proceeding, but not everyone is rehersed. The judge is who you really need to please. I know that our judge was annoyed when my husband or his ex would shake their head no or roll their eyes to acusations or comments while they were not on the stand. The best advice I can give you is to go into the room with a good attitude, and never let your expresions express your feelings or emotions. If you can be indeferent, try not to smile to big if it is going your way, or frown or glare when it is not. I know it is hard, and it seems unfair that a judge that barely knows your family or situation is the one who gets to determine the future. Chin up, and think postive. I do not know your ex or the entirety of the situation, but on the postive side I feel that it is important for children to have a relationship with both parents. Even if the telephone conversations are short, or far and few between it is hard to be parent 1500 miles away. Hopefully this is a sign that he is taking a bigger intrest in wanting to develope a relationship with his daughter by having her one on one. In my opinion the age of 5 is much better to send her on a plane than the age of 3 or younger. It has been a blessing that he hasn't tried earlier. Something that may be good to suggest to the court would be that the party picking the child up is responsible for the air fair and arangements. You know that you will make the arrangements for her to come home and be with you no doubt, but that puts it on his shoulders to have to arrange and pay for her to come an visit him. If he isn't serious than maybe he won't make those arangements or complain about the expense. If he is serious, then all you can do is pray and encourage their relationship. We have found in our situation that the more you discourage the relationhip or talk negative about the oposing party, the more resentments that are formed towards you. It is better to encourage than discourage I feel. Even if this is a phase in your ex's life, at least your daughter may have a short time to develope memories and relationships that will hopefully be positive. I know it is important to my husband to spend time with his children, and hard at the same time, and we only live 1 hour away. It is always hard when involving children in a seperation, but I am a firm believer that if you can always be positive and let them develope their own opinions things will work themselves out. A tiger can not hide his stripes. Good luck and I wish you the best. Remember that everything happens for a reason.

Take your phone records to court with you and give them to the judge.

S.

M.,
I don't know what state you live in. I am an attorney licensed in Texas, Montana and Arizona so this may not apply to you. With regard to most states, there are laws regarding whether or not the other parent has considered to have abandoned the child. There are factors that come into play such as whether he has paid child support for the past year, the amount of contact he has had, etc...That would be state specific. In any state, if he has only had the limited contact with her that you state, his visitation should begin by being supervised and in her home town for a series of several visits. It would be very surprising for a judge to order a 5 year old child to travel 1500 miles away to visit a parent as he is requesting until he has FIRST re-established the parent-child relationship with her. Do you have legal counsel? You need to be sure you do. Hope that helps.
L. H.

I can't help with the legal stuff, but I worked for an airline a few years ago and if it is taking over 13 hours to only go 1500 miles, then it sounds like a couple of layovers. Airlines won't let a child that young travel on connecting flights by themselves and most won't even let a 5 year old on non-stops by themselves anymore.

There have been too many issues, so you will need to set up how the child will get to/from the visit. Call the airlines that you would be dealing with and find out their policy before you negotiate with your ex. Once he finds out how much the tickets are each time, he might not want to deal with it.

good luck!