My brother wants to borrow $45 from me. It doesn't seem like much, but he already owes me $330 which he sort of tricked me into lending him (he said he would pay me back the next week when his check came in, then the check never came), and he is unemployed right now and has been for over a year. He was collecting unemployement up until a few weeks ago and hadn't even bothered looking for a job up until a week or two before the checks stopped coming. So I guess what I'm asking is how do I say no to lending him any more money?? I feel bad for him, he was renting a room by the week and is moving out probably into a homeless shelter. He has no job, no family but me and my sister who lives out of state. On the one hand I'd like to help him out but on the other I have a family with 2 kids, a mortgage and many bills, and we're not necessarily wealthy though we are comfortable. I'm doubtful that I'll even get back the $330 he owes me, and if so it will not be for a long time. But he sends me and e-mail telling me that he is starving, can't find a job, and is moving out. Hello guilt trip. For now I am not responding, just looking for the courage to say no. My heart wants to just lend it to him this one last time, but then it probably won't be the last time.
FYI he has borrowed small amounts from me many many times in the past and most of the time paid me back. Some smaller loans were overlooked. I let him live with us for free for 3 months last year and fed him, while he went out to bars all the time. He is 28 and healthy, perfectly capable of working. I know the economy isn't great but McDonald's is always hiring it seems. We did not grow up with anything so I can't say he is spoiled or anything but somehow can't keep money in his pocket, he goes out way to much to bars and such. He can't seem to prioritize and just stop going out when he is broke.
Added: I know some of you mentioned him being an alcoholic. I believe he is one, especially after he lived with me and I saw him drinking on a daily basis. He even would try to hide it, sometimes I would walk in the kitchen and he'd be rinsing out a shot glass, in the middle of the day too. All of our liquor slowly disappeared while he was staying with us. This is the main reason I know I should cut him off, since all his money goes to alcohol, I just worry that he won't get any better, that he'll just keep going downhill.
Thanks everyone for your advice. I did tell him I would lend him the $45 but it would be the last time, he said nevermind and hung up in a hurry. I thought I said it as nicely as possible but I think he was still upset, however I know he'll get over it. He has been applying to many places (so he says) and has had some oddball jobs here and there, and I believe he is now in a VA shelter. For those who recommended the military he actually was in the army for 3 years after high school and was trying to re-enlist, but having issues and its not happened yet. And I have bought him groceries in the past and he always eats well when he comes to visit, I just can't feed him forever. The next step will be to work on his drinking problem, I know he is in denial though and it won't be easy.
Just say "no" in a nice and firm way. It is very difficult learning to say NO, but there are many times in which is necessary and healthy to do so. You don't have obligation to give more explanations.
Good Luck and do not feel guilty, you are doing what is best for him.
If you feel you have to give him an answer other than "no, I'm sorry" then tell him that since the last loan went unpaid it has left you short in the cash department and therefore you can't afford to help.
We have a very strict rule in my family for borrowing / lending money to each other...if you haven't paid it back, don't ask for more.
Giving him money won't help him. Give him food, or shelter if you wish. If you give him shelter, it's with conditions. 1. No drinking. 2. Find a job, even a lousy one is better than no job at all.
He's a grown man, and it's time to act like it. We all need help in one form or another now and then. To expect is all the time is a different matter.
You are not helping him by giving him money if he uses it to avoid taking financial responsibility for himself. I'm sure you know that doing so is "enabling" behavior on your part.
I've had to learn to say no, and I'll tell you how I do it below. I'm a recovering co-dependent myself, with two sisters who have tapped out my good will over many years. When they can't get money from me, they get it from my mom, who then comes to me feeling anxious about her own money situation. So I was getting squeezed by guilt from three directions at once. And I have a little money to lend ONLY because I live extremely frugally myself, while my sisters would use my "loans" to treat themselves to extravagances I can't afford.
So here's the trick. You listen, acknowledge the "need" you hear expressed with sympathy, look gently into the eyes of your brother, and add, "… and no."
That's it. That's the whole thing, right there. No explanations, no excuses, no reasons, no pleading for him to understand your denial, no apologies. No judgement or evaluation of your brother's situation or spending habits, no advice, no regrets. There is really very little that he can argue with, or defend himself against.
So here's what it sounds like. In a kind and calm voice, you simply say, "Joe, I hear that you would like me to give you some more money. And, no."
If he just can't take it in, or if he gets mad or hurt, or if he tries to argue, or whatever, repeat that simple statement. Notice how powerful and calm you feel. Pay attention to your own feelings. Calm and powerful are so much better than stressed, anxious, and resentful about denying your own needs and feelings.
Good luck – you can do this. I learned this simple trick of personal mental health from a woman named Byron Katie, who teaches a process she calls The Work. Google that if you want more info or would like to watch a number of free videos of the process.
When my husband's brother lived with us for several years, with no job, and enjoying our free food, electricity and water, we finally sat him down and told him "our helping you is not helping you". That was the phrase that finally got through. In your case, helping your brother is NOT helping him. As hard as it is to actually say to someone you care about, it is true. And it's liberating to say it, too! Oh BIL was angry with us, but several months after he moved out (and in with another sibling) he admitted we were right. He now at least has a job. Good luck!
It may be best for your brother to experience living in a homeless shelter or under a viaduct at age 28, rather than postponing this life experience to age 48.
Consider that in 20 years at age 48, he may be jobless, homeless, and probably have liver damage, brain impairment, kidney damage, diabetes, high blood pressure etc... (from alcohol use.)
I say try, to let him learn the hard way now. Sooner is better than later.
That's my opinion. Best wishes to you and your brother.
I agree with helping with food and shelter, but with restrictions. Give him one month to find a job. If he does not do so, he is out! Write up an agreement of your restrictions and make him sign and date it. There are a lot of nickel dime jobs out there (he probably doesn't want), however it will help him till he finds what he's really looking for. I have relatives who know I have a home business who ask for loans and my answer is, "I don't loan money, but I can show you how to earn additional income". Those who really need the money work with me and the others, I say, "See ya".
Lots of luck.
Do not give him the money. Tell him you would consider lending him the money (in the event you are worried you will hurt his feelings) when he pays you back for the money he already owes you.
Even when my husband's siblings DIDN"T owe him money, whenever asked to borrow money we simply say no, we do not have extra cash.
Like you said, he's a capable adult and McDonalds is always hiring. You mentioned that he emails you about being starving...where is he using a computer? It may hurt you to not assist him but it sounds like you would only be enabling him. Plus, you've helped in the past and it hasn't helped him get any further.
Well our philosophy is to never lend out money that you truly expect to get back. Hopefully you will, but it seems you can never really count on it. I had to finally tell my dad, who was in a similar situation no and it was extremely difficult. Do what you have to do. I agree that if you want to give him food that's better than money. Also, if you want to help him out, is there anything that he can do for you to "earn" the money...like say yard work or fix-it things? That may be a way to get something you need done while you still feel like you're helping him.
In the end, you have to decide if you really think he's going to get moving and take care of himself or if he expects you to take care of him. He will never earn money and get a job if he doesn't have to. It would be horrible to see your brother move into a homeless shelter, but do you honestly think giving him money will change that? Probably not. I know how hard this is and my heart truly feels for you, but you have to put your husband and children first. Do what you think is right and even if you do give him money this time, that's okay if that's what you want, but consider that you may get to a point when you won't and you must prepare for it.
oh the guilt trips. I would tell him no you won't loan him money but that if he is hungry you will feed him. And stick to that. Give him rides to interviews for work and feed him . But amazingly people will skip help with those two things if you won't give money for booze or cigs. stick to your guns. sometimes people have to hit bottom before they can start to climb up.
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A., I'm a giving person and what I say probably have been said or won't make sense to some. I use this rule of thumb. If my family has a definite need for food, clothes or shelter and I can offer that, I will do it on the condition that they are ACTIVELY trying to do better or get out of a hole. Once it becomes habit, expected, routine, and based on poor decisions or do not need advice or help from me other than using me to get ahead, then I don't encourage the habit by giving to them. I offer resources as another means of helping them, I research information to help get them a job, etc..that's my way of "helping". I believe your brother is an adult and knows the choices he is making. The fact that you have a family to feed too is because you are making the right choices to survive. He can too. You are not a bank. If in the future you see him making real effort to get out of his situation and just need a break, then I would not withold help monetarily from him. That's what families do. Hope that helps.
If you haven't already done so, I would look into your local Al-Anon chapter because it sounds like your brother is an alcoholic - all of his behaviors indicate so and I say this from experience with the disease. Not only will Al-Anon give you the strength to detach with love from your brother but will also help you in approaching him with the fact that you think he is suffering from addiction. One thing I learned the hard way is that if someone is in the throes of this disorder, than they are incapable of stopping by themselves. For a nonaddict, this is really difficult to understand - you want to say, get a grip on your life, get a job...but for someone crippled by addiction, they are completely enslaved to their drug of choice. You are right to not lend him m money because it sounds like it will only enable him and his self-destruction. What you can do, is educate yourself to what is available for him in the way of treatment. AA and Al-Anon will guide you - both are amazing organizations. While getting him into rehab may not be an option due to his denial and/or lack of insurance/funds, AA/Al-Anon are free, well-run and very informative and supportive. The important thing for you is to get a plan for how you are going to proceed and stick to it. The sooner an addict hits rock bottom, the better because only then will he/she be ready and willing to accept some help. You can tell your brother that you love him and can offer emotional support once he accepts some responsibility. I learned the hard way just how invasive addiction is for everyone - not just the addict. Good luck - you are on the right track by recognizing what may be going on with him and being hesitant to continue enabling him. The road to recovery is long but I pray for you and your brother that he will find his own way. He deserves that.
Two things. His money behavior may be something else, but it also may very well be an expression of ADHD. You might sit down with one of the online questionaires about whether or not you have ADHD and fill it out based on our observations of him. If your answers really lean toward him having it, you might consider ways to encourage him to get treatment for it and helping him find a psychiatrist and get started.
As for the money, I would just say to him that money is tight right now and it doesn't look like he'd have means to pay it off immediately, since he still owes you the $330, and you're sorry you can't be more help. Or, depending on what it's for, you can decide to buy that thing if the thing is something you'd support as an idea, but he is untrustworthy with the money/requests. I used to do this with homeless people all the time. They'd ask for money for food and I suspected it was really for alcohol or cigarettes, so I would offer to take them to the McDonalds across the street and buy them a sandwhich. The ones who were really hungry, never said no. The ones that were lying about their needs always had an excuse not to go. The same principle can be applied to your brother about small amounts.
You can decide you're okay with buying him that replacement pair of pants and shoes so he can better get a job in an interview, or whatever, without handing him cash. You can bring him a sandwhich without agreeing to pay him.
I would just tell him that you are unable to come up with the extra $45. I know this will be hard, but it sounds to me that he will just spend the money at the bars. If he goes to a homeless shelter they will feed him, but not support his drinking. There is no reason that you should give him money at this point.
My sister in law (42 years old) seems to owe money to everyone she has ever met. I've never known someone to be less self-sufficient than she is. It's hard to say no but my husband and I have done it several times.
Offer to help him in other ways. Help him write his resume, find him a job placement service, cut out want ads for him to follow up on, be a personal reference for him, go on the internet with him and help him find job listings. If he doesn't take you up on this kind of help, then he has no interest in finding a job and taking care of himself. If you do decide to give him money, give him gift cards to grocery stores so that you know the money is going to feed him and not be wasted on something else.
Good luck,
K.
My brother is the same way! He came to live with me and my hubby, because he had nowhere else to go. He stayed from November to the end of march. When he moved in, I told him not to expect this to be a permanent arrangement....We were planning on moving in March, and I told him to get a job ASAP, save his money-we did not charge him a thing to stay with us-and get a place of his own.
Well.......he never got a job. He did continue to borrow "a couple bucks" almost every day for a pack of cigarettes. MORE LIKE 6 OR 7 BUCKS! Outrageous! I finally told him that I would no longer be supporting his habit, and that was it. He didn't ask again. Keep in mind that we paid about 500 bucks to get his tickets paid, reinstated his license, and paid for 3 months worth of his SR-22 insurance! He got caught driving without insurance. Anyway, March rolled around, and he was really stressed out because he knew that he had blown off a good opportunity to get it together. Oh well, not my problem.
Now he's staying with my brother and his wife, and it's not going so well there either. He still won't get a job. He had the nerve to call me a few weeks ago to ask if I would pay his insurance again!!! I said no! I have my own stuff to worry about, and that is enough for me! Saying no feels so good when you know that you have done everything you can to help someone out, and they don't use anything that you've given them. If I were you, I would just say no in the future. It sounds like you're just enabling his behavior anyway, and you will not help him this way. Good luck. I know this is a difficult situation.
K.
Just tell him you haven't got any money to spare. You have babies to raise and your brother is an adult who should be standing on his own feet. Put him in touch with your local armed forces recruiter.
I have been in your shoes, although not to the point of having that family member live with us. We have learned that sending money is a big "no-no." If someone is an alcoholic, that is where the money will go. However, we have helped out family members by sending gift cards to grocery stores, gas stations, etc. If your brother is "starving" maybe you could invite him over for supper with your family. That way he knows that you still care, but that you aren't going to support his habit of alcohol and laziness.
Just tell him money is tight right now, you were even hoping he could start paying you back the $330. he already owes you.
How to say no? "No". No explanation, no apology, just plain "No". I'm in a very similar situation with my BIL. You'll get used to be a little more hard-nosed about it.
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my mother always told me never lend what you can't afford to get back or if your a stickler just give it to him but tell him until you pay me back my other money or even try to work it off(chores around the house, outdiir chores, babysitting etc.) i will ot be giving/loaning you any more money! i know you love him and it hurts to see him like this but sometimes tough love is the answer. don't shut him out but feed him with a long handled spoon. and also realize that some ppl are just not good with money! I'm one of them but my sister can save money like nobodies business and we were raised in the same house, so go figure. I hope that this situation gets better for you and i wish you and your brother the best of luck!
My oldest sister will be 40 in a few weeks, and she has no concept of money in vs. money out. She's always bouncing checks, and it drives me crazy that my parents bail her out because they enable the bad behavior and never help her correct it. She's not reckless with her money necessarily, but she gives too much to people without providing for her own family first.
If it were my brother, I'd probably take a hard line by saying that you'll gladly help him get the items he needs, help him fill out job applications, take him to interviews, but you can't loan him money without knowing where it's going.
It will probably be the hardest thing you have to do, but in the end it may be the best thing for him to start taking responsibility for himself and to learn to be independent.
There are so many ways to help him without giving him the easy way out.
Good luck!
you can not be the one giving him money and supporting him not having a job. Your helping him more by saying I love you but my kids come first. Your a full grown man that needs to find his way. He needs help, tell him he needs a support system that can actually help him. AA might be a suggestion, plenty of nice folks with loads of information for him. Tell him the only support you can lend is to go to a meeting with him. But do not give in and support his bad habbits anymore. You sound like a very loving sister.
I agree, don't do it! He will never help himself if you keep helping him. However, if you really want to help him, pay for the admission fee of an in patient treatment addiction center. Heck, so states it may be free, but he has to want to go. I'm just assuming he's an alcoholic because they usually do things w/ out reguard to others. And nobody that respects you would keep asking for money. I'm not trying to offend, this is just coming from personal experience, it may not apply in this case.
Hi A.-
I believe strongly that you must make a person stand on their feet or they will never stand up for themselves. We have many friends who still couch surf, (we're in our 30's!). Someone has always been there to help them, and that's why 15 years after high school they've made 0 progress.
It perfectly OK for you to say no to your brother. I suggest showing him other options. Give him the want ads, help him find a half way house, help him make a resume.
As for the loan, just tell him that loaning him money will be a hardship on your family. This is true, it's a hardship on your emotions.
Good Luck! You are not failing family, but your brother is failing himself.
R. Magby
Remember the drug commericals "Just say NO". It's that simple.
If that doesn't work for you...
"I'm sorry, I don't have any extra cash right now"
Or my personal favorite....
"When you pay me back the $330 you owe me, I'll consider giving you another loan"
Bring him a little food. Then say, "consider the $330 a gift, but I can't lend you any more money. If you're starving, come over here and I can give you a bite to eat."
If you know he's spending money at bars, I can't imagine why you have a hard time saying no. Give him food, not money.
I would help him in other ways. Tell him that the other money wasn't paid back yet and you don't want to support the drinking habit. Have him over for meals and send him want ads, etc. to help out if you are willing. I think the important thing is to try to get him help for his drinking problem. Look into the AA chapter in your/his area.
Good luck.
~
Your brother and mine should get together! I took the easy way out and told mine that my husband has made it clear that we don't loan money to anyone, not even his family, regardless of amount. I would let your brother know that your husband and you talked about it and he's not willing to "loan" any money in the future. It he doesn't like it, then your next response should be to hand him the application from McDonald's and let him know that you know they're hiring, give him the manager's name and contact info.
Have the courage to say no, it's up to him to make his choices in life.
I would stop worrying about the $330.00 he already owes you. That money will probably not be coming back to you and the faster you put it aside the easier it'll be to deal with your brother.
From this point forward I would not loan any more money. He's a grown up and doesn't have to worry about anyone but himself. He could certainly pick up a retail type job to bring in some money. I'd invite him over for meals and encourage him as much as possible but no more money. He may or may not figure it out. He may need to hit rock bottom before he can get it together. Whatever happens you need to know that it won't hinge on you loaning $45.00 now.
Hi. I can't tell you what to do and I don't know your brother, but if it was my brother I would help him. If money is tight I would tell him to leave with me and help me do stuff...so he feels like he earned what I am giving him--that's empowering. I would also help him with is resume, train him for interview...and if he wasn't leaving with me I would send food...money is ok for a while but if you don't feel ok with this then don't. Keep your integrity.
If money is not that tight I would probably pay some classes (I would have him sign a loan contract so he understands that when things get better for him he will give you back the money), or a coach maybe a psychologist to boost start him. Seems like he doesn't really have a drive or maybe he doesn't have self esteem and that shows during interviews...
Anyway, this is not easy. Good luck.
You should not feel guilty - keep the perspective that it is your brother who is putting you in an uncomfortable situation through his own actions. As others have said, do not enable him. I know it is not easy to say no, so I think you need to put the resonsibility back on him. Tell him that you can only offer him moral support and friendship at this time. Tell him that when he seeks help for his alcohol addiction, you will help him through it. Tell him when he goes to a job interview, you will help him with some new clothes. I guess, try to make any fiscal "help" a reward. It seems to work for the kids. Good luck and stay strong.
From your post it seems he has a track record of borrowing from you and not really bothering about getting and keeping a job. It seems to me you have done enough for him already , letting him live with you rent and food free , loaning money and not getting it back. He is an adult now , not a new adult but 28 , so he should have learnt to have some responsibilty for himself by now. Just because he is your brother you don't owe him and are not responsible for him , you have your own family to look after , I would just tell it like it is , that he needs to grow up and take care of himself....end of.
I agree with Page. Don't give him money, only food if he needs it. Giving him money will only let him go spend it on drinks or other things he doesn't really need.
Respond to his email and just say you're sorry you can't help him now. After giving him $330 before, you don't have any more extra money.
If you keep supporting him, he will never change. Knowing he's staying in a shelter might be hard, but it may be the wake-up call he needs. The brother of an ex-boyfriend couldn't/wouldn't get a job for almost 3 years after he graduated college (with a computer science degree). Their parents continued to pay everything for them. They were staying in a nice, expensive apartment. Parents would buy them food, clothes, whatever. You can't keep supporting people like that, they'll never learn to take care of themselves.
Good luck, and stay strong!
Give him the $45, and write him a letter of your concerns. With a little research you could give him a list of homeless shelters and food banks, and give him a list of AA meeting places. He needs to help himself. Tell him you love him, and that you can't support his current life choices. Tell him that you will welcome him back when he has straightened out, but he needs to hit all the way rock bottom before he realizes that he needs to fix his situation. If you continue to string him along, he will not get his feet under him. Good luck, and be strong...perhaps Al-Anon meeting for you?
