Liking the New Woman

All I have to say is, she sounds exactly like my uncles ex. Hope she doesn't stick around as long as she did... That woman was a lost cause!

Hmm Not sure about the last minute thing. I guess you could just plan for them to be there (with extra food), and if they show up, they show up. If not, well you've got leftovers!

As far as rearranging YOUR schedules to fit this kid's, I wouldn't. If everyone makes plans to eat at 4, eat at 4. If they can't make it at 4, then sorry. Come & visit when you can. We can't please everyone!

Hope things get better for you!

Go ahead with plans. Don't cater to people that can't/won't commit.
At our functions we easily have leftovers enough for 3 extra mouths....so if they come....fine. Let them heat up a plate. If not, fine, send the leftovers home with someone else.

The only thing that WILL make a difference in YOUR life is to STOP obsessing about it. You can't MAKE other people change.
Count those 3 as a "maybe" -- ALWAYS-- and go on about your life. It will be much easier that way.

ETA: Go to an attorney and choose someone else to be the guardian for your children now. That's too big of a decision to be left unmitigated!

Unfortunately, as the saying goes, you can't pick your family.....
Regarding the get togethers when they are late or there quickly - stick with whatever plans are set and when they show up they can eat what's left, etc. Their lives may revolve around her kids (just like all of us parents put our own kids first) but that doesn't mean the family can't continue with the set out plans.
Also - you don't have to like her - yes, I am sure it's hard as you were once close with her and you were close to his ex (and you are probably missing that relationship) - but you do not have to make her be your BFF. Just handle it as you would any other annoying family member - put on a polite face and let things roll off your back. (My SIS once asked me if I was pregnant - I had simply put on a few pounds and this was about 2 years before my first pregnancy - I wanted to strangle her but I just smiled and said, "No, why do you ask?)

J., about family celebrations, etc, go ahead with your plans the way you want to. Forget "keep it simple". It's about your mom, not this particular part of the family. If this woman can't commit, don't prepare more food. If there isn't any left when they show up, so be it. (That might teach her a lesson.)

You knew this woman many years ago. THAT'S what she is going on in regards to how she acts toward you. If you had never known her before, she would most likely not have asked you about your pregnancy or acted so "familiar" with you. She would have tried to get to know you more slowly, given that she just usurped your SIL's place.

Quite frankly, you should tell her to slow down with you. Tell her that even though you two knew each other a long time ago, having her with your brother is HARD since you loved your SIL and now she is gone from the family. Tell her that you have a PhD and are plenty qualified to homeschool your kids and that you don't want parenting advice from her. Even though it might upset your brother, so what? Divorce affects more than him, quite frankly.

Now, here's where our paths diverge. PhD or not, you really don't need to be getting yourself worked up about how SHE parents. She isn't doing bad things to them or abusing them - babying them might seem silly and drive you nuts, but that's really on YOU. Not on her. Right now her world revolves around this nuclear family, including the sports. Lots of families with kids in sports are like that. Either you haven't been in this, don't plan to be, or you'll learn about how things really are if you put your kids in sports one day. That might seem "fake" to you, but I promise you that it's not fake to those kids. Yes, it's rude of them to commit at the last minute, but you should just proceed with the expectation that they won't be there. Don't wait on them to show to serve the food. Then you don't have to feel that you are being taken advantage of.

You and your brother will likely not be close like you were before, at least for a time. He chose to hurt the entire family by leaving his wife. He is selfish (that's my opinion) for not accepting that his actions affect other people. Most likely you wouldn't like ANYONE who was in this position. That's human nature.

Only you can decide how long it will take before you feel comfortable with this woman. At the point that you can stop finding fault with every little thing about her (like her pouring drinks for the kids and clearing their places) is probably when you let go of his first marriage and accept this second woman.

Good luck,
Dawn

I know what it feels like to be her and have everyone not like you. They always liked my husbands girlfriend before me. Its really hard to fit in a family who had a SIL before you.
Her kids should come first, sports are a commitment to a team. I get flack for this also. My son is the goalie. I will come but do not wait for us, start without us. I always bring a dish. They can always eat and run, I would not rush anyone else. At least they come when they can.
Not getting really why you do not like her. from what you said she seems like a great mom, loves your brother.
Have your Moms birthday , three kids should not be a problem at all to feed if they show up after a game. If they come they come, if not ...oh well.
Not all of us have plans written in stone, life happens and it changes all the time when you have children. Maybe you should start over in your mind and give her a chance again. I am still really good friends with my X SIL. This is your brother and you do not want to lose him because your not giving her a chance. Have an open mind. Good luck!

I'm not sure how to deal with the rude comments. I would probably just think that we aren't on a level playing field and feel sorry for her because she doesn't get it. As for the meals. My Mom's family is huge. There is always someone arriving late. We don't wait and if there is no food for the late comer, you snooze you loose. If you don't like it, come on time.

I think you need to let go of the pregnancy comment. In life we have to deal with those types of people and holding onto that is not helping you like this woman so might as well let it go. And while yes it was insensitive to ask it does no good letting these comments get to you.

I don't think its so much out of the norm for a family to get super involved with their childs sport. I know my IL's revolved their lives around my husband and his brothers sports. So I don't find that too uncommon. But this is on your brother. You set the time for your family gatherings with your parents and if your brother makes it, he makes it, if not he's the one missing out on spending time with his family. That is on him not you. Don't let your lives be dictated by his girlfriends plans. I mean it would be one thing if you could accommodate when he can get together but if he goes along with waiting until the last minute to make plans...well not everyone can do that.

So my advice is set the date/time. Let it be on him to make it. While, yes, you may not see your brother as often as you used to. Its not making anything better stressing over it...because obviously your brother needs to set up his priorities.

As for the last minute invitation. If your eating out...it will be easy to add on three or take it away. If your cooking like Sandy said just make enough for them and if they don't make it, you have leftovers.

As for all the ignorant comments. Let them go in one ear and out the other.

It honestly sounds like you don't want to like her, so you're coming up with whatever reason you can to support your feeilngs. His sports schedule is not weird, and it is not excessive. You have little kids, to you it seems like they are making the world revolve around their kids. You will change your tune when your daughter or son begs you to play competitive basket weaving and it's all they want to do, and they are very good at it. These parents have made the decision to support their child's interest in a sport, a team sport no less so more than just their son's well-being rests on their commitment. You think it wreaks havoc with your life when there are last minute changes, did you ever stop to think how frustrating it is for them? My son plays competitive soccer. We switch our schedule around a lot to accomodate it, and we miss some fun stuff because of it, but it's important to him so it's important to us no matter how much of a pain in the butt it can be sometimes. At least they are trying to be involved with family stuff. How would you feel if they just stopped trying? Would you be writing a post about how the 'new woman' has alienated your brother from his family because they don't attend family functions anymore?

It sounds like you like to be in control of your world and this woman is not conforming to your expectations. I like order too. I understand.

I think that if you have left overs from a meal then you need to put them in the fridge and eat them for lunch the next day. Cook as if they are going to be there and let it go. You cannot make her change or control her actions.

Evidently they are a family who makes a commitment and follow through with that commitment first. They committed to this young man playing ball. That is their first commitment. Other activities will just have to be second.

If I were this mom or future step dad I would just tell people that "we have a game at XXam/pm that day and will try to make it. Sorry can't be more specific".

I think it is hard to try and include families that have a lot of activities like this. But those families will end up being a very strong close family. Perhaps you guys could attend a few of his games to support him. He's going to be in your family a long time too.

Sports can pave the way to scholarships, careers, so they are not just kids games. Let it go. If they show up there is enough to feed them. If they don't then you get to have yummy left overs.

I think mom has the right idea too. Eat out, each pay for their own. That way if they don't show up they miss out and no one is working too hard for anyone else.

First off as a mom who has kids in sports, it is hard to plan things around, as you say SILLY baseball games, and for the record they are not silly to us parents or the players who are involved. We miss lots of things because of my sons baseball and my daughters soccer, I am sorry but that really hit a nerve, a players team counts on that player and when a player signs up to play that player and the parents are giving a commitment. Ask your self this, would your mother rather get a few minutes or no minutes with her son on her bday? Just DON't wait around for them tell them hey this is when we are eatingif you are not here you can make yourself a plate of leftovers. As for everything else, such as the home schooling, dont let her get under your skin, it sint for everyone anyways, and her doing everything for her kids is going to make them into very depenant adults! Why dont you try to plan some alone time with her and see if you can get reaquainted with her on a one to one basis. After having had your ex sil in your life for so long, it is only normal for you to have a hard time. I bet whoever the woman was there would be something or other you would have issue with, It is human nature, have a few more things I wold like to say, but I have to get my son to his silly baseball practice! :) If I dont make it back to ETA good luck to you

I agree about not rearranging plans. If you make them, then they are made. If your brother and his girlfriends schedule change, then that is their loss not yours.

I urge you not to make it about the kid. It's not his fault, so please don't take it out on him.

You said you liked her in high school. I've said this to more than one person, "The girl you knew before is not the woman standing before you." We all change. So this woman is involved with her kids? You make that sound like it's a bad thing. The only bad thing I really see is if she expects you to rearrange your lives around them. I would have a problem with that too.

Not all families get along perfectly. Seems the easiest thing to do is to not try to be buddy buddy with her, just a cordial relationship is fine.

Why don't you deal with your brother NOT the new woman.

Extend invitations to your brother for all of them and let him know that if they have games or other kids' activities, then perhaps another time would be better. Tell him that dinner is at 6:00, and don't change it for them. If they can come, they should come, if not then some other time. Perhaps the other kids can come and the one with a game can't.

I realize sports are very intrusive. I only have one kid and we had to cut back on her sports schedule because it was running our life. With more than one kid, it's really a nightmare.

If they say, "Oh Johnny has a game at 6:00", then say, "Well, it sounds like your busy, I'm sorry you'll miss it. If the others want to come, they're welcome"

__________

As far as short notice, say, I need to know by Friday since I'm shopping and need to know how much food to get. It sounds like you're really busy, so I won't be offended if you can't make it.

__________

As far as the homeschooling comments...just say, well, many people with less qualifications than me homeschool....the statistics show that these kids fare much better than public schools.

I don't understand why your whole family has to eat only when the sports kid is there. Couldn't you have started your appetizers at 4:00? Let her and her kid come and go when they have to ... the rest of you do your thing. If the kid doesn't get dessert, too bad for him. Why are you all ruled by his schedule?

Also, what's so bad about asking if your pregnancy was an accident? I mean, it's a little weird, but is it really that bad?

It IS rude of her to not let you know until the last minute when/if they will be there. I would suggest talking to your brother about that.

Don't worry about how she's raising her own kids ... you can't do anything about that.

Good luck to you! Try to be patient and understanding, for the sake of your relationship with your brother. :-)

Is it possible your feelings for her are really just a result of your feelings for the ex wife? Her question about your pregnancy is a little blunt but maybe she feels like family and thinks it's OK to ask, maybe she wanted to get to know you a little better. Sounds like she's trying hard to make time for your family events despite her son's hectic schedule. He has a whole team counting on him and cannot cancel. It would be easier for her to ditch your family events. Sounds like she has no boundaries in her questioning, has she always been like this? Does that type of person always bother you?? One of your complaints about this woman is that she is very involved in her childrens lives, that's why I wonder if you are just prejudiced against her. You haven't mentioned if she is good for your brother. Does she make him happy? Does she seem to really love him?
If you love your brother, that will be more important than her making you happy.

I can see why you don't like her. Put everything else aside, she should be more considerate about her attendance at your functions. I can see the sports stuff. I know it happens to a lot of families. Our kids aren't old enough to understand it yet. But she should be aware of how it impacts others and say "I'm sorry I can't commit so please don't worry about our food." But since she doesn't offer that, you take that step. Start eating when it's best for the majority or the hostess. And when she doesn't know if she's coming, say "ok, not sure if there'll be food left or not." And DO NOT make extra food for 3 people. That's expensive and more work. More questioning of your parenting should be met with "why would you say that? Do you really want to criticize me like that?" See what she says... But at least she's a good mom... My mom babied me too and I turned out very accomplished and responsible and keep a very very clean and organized house. Better than if she neglected them.

I would talk to your brother about the invites. You can say, "Bro, I do not want to be unwelcoming, but I really need to know if there will be 2 or 4 people from your household by x date. Otherwise, the plans will be for the people who have let me know they are coming." Or, "Bro, I know that we are all busy and kids have activities, but sometimes majority has to rule. We are having the event on x day and I hope some of you can come."

I personally have never liked my uncle's wife. I don't like her or her kids. I have very little to do with them, but I can get away with that because of distance. If I had to deal with a lot of stuff like that, I would just start stating, "The event is x day from x to x and we need to know if you are coming by x day." No more asking and cajoling and whatever. If she says that she might be there last minute, say, "I need to know if you are coming because it's a lot of extra work to feed 3 more people." I'm sure she can figure it out. My SS was in sports and we could plan ahead in a reasonable timeframe. And, gasp!, sometimes he missed a practice for a family thing.

If they don't come and your mom asks, you can say that you tried to work with the schedule, but had to go with what worked best for HER, the guest of honor.

RE: her comments, you can say, "GF, I'm qualified to teach my own children. I have a Ph.D. This is not up for discussion."

I'm sorry this is affecting your relationship with your brother. That's the tough thing. When someone you love is in love with someone you can't stand.

She sure sounds a lot like my DH's ex and the aunt I can't stand - people who need to inflate their own worth. IMO, she sounds really insecure and needs drama.

Sorry to answer a bit late....My brothers think the world revolves around them. I love them but their lack of consideration for others really eats me alive.
I think you SIL has no idea that what she does is an inconvenience for everyone else. You may be finding all the things she does now as even more rude because you have the added layer of consideration that she could possibly be the woman to help raise your kids...so you take all the other things more personnally.
You will not be able to change her. Also, you might not need to celebrate all family occassions together...I have stopped inviting my brothers to certain dinners because I don't want to end up letting their actions make me feel bad. Don't let her spoil nice times for you. Just let it go and understand that there are always a couple people in the family that run their lives without trying to accommodate others the way you would.

Let it go, let it go and let it go....You seem to be too caring, thoughtful and smart to be they type of gal to spoil these wonderful family times.

But I do understand where you are coming from and wouldn't tell you this unless I have actually had to do the same myself regarding my brothers.

Just a voice from the other side -

Several years ago I dated a man whose marriage had ended after about 20 years - in his case, his wife left him. It doesn't matter who ends a long term marriage - there is fall out everywhere. Anyhoo, his friends and family basically refused to know me. And I was intimidated by them - they who had known him as a couple with his wife for 20+ years. It was horrible - So the relationship ended - the obstacles put up from everyone in his life made it too hard to continue.

For you, now, ignore her comments about accidental pregnancies and homeschooling. Poor woman likely feels more comfortable with you than anyone else since you liked her all those years ago.

Of course her schedule revolves around her children's activities - all of our schedules revolve around that - my life is now run by son's band schedule.

I think it is more likely that you resent her and perceive her as the "other woman" who broke up your husband's marriage. You do sound very harsh in your post, "Fake" "silly" "weird" "shallow" . It may be that asides from her funtastic Mom schedule that she is trying to avoid the family gatherings because she can fee the negativity roiling off the family.

You sound a little jealous of the time. money, and attention that your brother is giving his girlfriend and her children.

I just ask that you please re-assess your feelings and emotions regarding this and ensure that you are not rejecting this woman for the wrong reasons.

It sounds like you knew her before the recent hook up with your brother so you can tell if she is being fake or not. I understand your worries about her dating your brother for the money especially if they were together before the money and it didn't work out then. It does sound suspicious that she contacted him before he was divorced so I get where you are coming from. Has your brother said anything to you about how you treat his gf? Not saying you're treating her bad but if he has noticed you being a little standoffish and happens to bring it up, privately, it might be a good time to mention your concerns. If it were me I might start with asking him how things are going in the relationship, ask him what he thinks of her kids, would he change anything if he could, is he happy, what does he see for his future in 5, 10 years, what does he love about her, etc. If after all that you still have reserves maybe try to explain one or two. I would leave out the part about worrying about them having to raise your kids if something happens to you, lol. But explain that years ago you liked her and got along with her but now something doesn't feel right and you'd like him to be careful.

As far as the boy playing sports, be considerate. Yours will get there someday and you'll understand more. My aunt's schedule revolves around the sports of her 2 kids, personally I feel like going insane over one dance class a week but I work full time. I would say if you think they'll be there then make the extra food, BUT I don't know that I would always rearrange the schedule and eating time to accommodate them. If there is a time that you would really like to stick to your schedule for whatever reason then tell them that. Say, hey, I understand that you are on a tight schedule with games and that's great. This is what time I plan on having dinner, if you can be there the whole time that is fantastic and if not I'll save some food and I can heat it up when you get here. You shouldn't have to based the events around them every time especially if you are hosting.

As for her comments, I could think of some snide things to say to her proving you are more educated but then who really wins on that one. Maybe she's nervous around you. Maybe she feels like she can't live up to your PhD but she can excel in the "team mom" department if that makes sense. Hopefully she is not after his money, that's just terrible. But it happens, especially if they were living in poverty before and she found out about his success.

Good luck with everything!

Well, it sounds like you've already decided that you will never like this woman, and have a very negative attitude about the whole thing. You say she contacted your brother during her divorce, and tried to convince him to leave his wife. You are only getting half the story here. You are judging her, yet you give not one reason as to why you don't like her. Has she done something directly to you? Honestly, when I saw your post title, I thought you were the bitter ex, and not the sister.

Her parenting style is none of your business, and nothing you can control. Her sons' schedule is out of your control. Your brother chose this woman, and this lifestyle. They are his family now. This is his life.

You don't have to cater to their schedule, but I think it's time to accept the things that can't be changed/are out of your control, be the bigger person, and start having a better attitude about it all. If you don't, I guarante you will end up losing your brother. I think you're making a bigger deal of this than you need to.

Dam girl, you are way too uptight. Maybe your pregnancy is causing you to be well a little cranky. It's true, admit it...most women are like that, ask your husband. Who cares if they are late or there is not enough food. It happens... and why are you worried about her kids? My kids are in sports all year and it is a lot of money to spend. So missing games can be pricey. If her kids like it, it's really not your business. So you are friends with the exwife. That's fine too, just keep them out of it. Someday this woman might be your brother's wife. My suggestion is try to be nice and stop talking behind their backs with other friends, which I think is rude. Plus, I am not a big fan of home schooling either. Children need to be with other children or they won't be able to function with society. Believe me, this world is full of competition from childhood to adult life. So, she gave you her opinion, who cares? I did too, but it's my opinion you don't have to agree with it. Just express your opinion like adults. Maybe go out with his new girlfriend out to lunch and get to know her better. If you keep acting like a snob, you will lose your brother. I am living proof, because I am my husband's 3rd wife, but the best wife too. My husband no longer deals with his sisters, because of attitudes. The only people that loses out are my children who don't even know my husband's family, but it's for the best. My children do not need to be expose to rude people.