I was wondering if anyone had any advice on helping a child develop a strong relationship with a far away grandparent. Right now we live close to my family, but far away from my husband's family. I feel kind of bad that our 4 month old son sees (and now recognizes) my parents so often, but he's only seen his paternal grandmother a few times. How can I assure that he gets to know her? We plan to make the trip to visit as often as we can, but that is a little difficult to do very often. We could move halfway between both families, but that would just mean a long car trip any time we wanted to go see family. Plus, relocating would be a big bother right now. I know some families have very good telephone relationships, but my mother-in-law is deaf, so that wouldn't really work for us. My current idea is to have her write weekly letters to my son and I will write back to her. That way she will know what is happening with him and he will eventually come to look forward to her letters and to knowing what is going on in her life. It is a little more tangible than email and it will be nice for him to have a letter collection to look at some day (he's a little young to understand or appreciate the letters now). When I see the loving bond my son is developing with my parents, a few letters really seem inadequate in comparison. Also, I can tell my husband is starting to feel sad about us not being closer to his family. I was just wondering how others have handled this situation. Thanks!
We live far away from my dad, who doesn't really visit us. So I bought webcams for both of us, and we videoconference with him when we can. He's not particularly computer-savvy, but it still works when we can find time to both be online at the same time.
Good luck!
Try a webcam. There are services out there that are cheap or free, and both can interact with each other. And, you could see each other as much as you want.
I know you said using the internet and email isn't such a great idea, but what about using the internet with a webcam. That way you could possibly schedule time to "talk" every week. This way both baby and grandma and still see each other. I know how hard it is for you with her being deaf(my own grandmother is deaf as well). We have been using this method for her to see her great grandson for a few years and they both love it. She can still watch him grow and get bigger every week and he knows what she looks like and doesn't forget. We have done the letters thing as well but discovered as my son got older the webcam was more fun for both. Keep us posted on what you decide to do and how it works.
If your mother in law is willing to write all those letters, you could do that. That is alot though and it's hard to come up with something inspiring to say every week. Boys really don't get into letters like girls do, generally speaking. I grew up with a brother, later two step brothers, I have mostly boy cousins, and now I have two sons and a husband. Letters don't do it for them. Cards, yes. Letters, not so much. I think what would be more valuable is to either invest in a web cam, like was mentioned, call and write, or send videos often.
I don't know what kind of distance you're talking about, but my in-laws live about 290 miles away. (My mom and step dad live close by.) We visit twice a year, and sometimes my mother in law comes to us, but she is getting older and driving is becoming more difficult. We email, mail cards, and send pictures. Now that my boys are older I have them draw pictures or make crafts for them on holidays. They talk to them on the phone sometimes. They do have a good relationship with them and know them as their grandparents.
Both sets of my grandparents lived thousands of miles away when I was growing up. I have one grandmother left - she lives in Washington State. I do not have nearly the connection with her or the rest of my extended family that lives near her. We visit every few years when we can afford to fly out there or some of them out here, and the visits are fun, but awkward at times and somewhat stressful (some clashing personalities). My point is, I admire your efforts, and I know they will be rewarded.
Unfortunately we have this problem as well. Both my family and my husband's family live 1200 miles away. One of the best ways we came up with to keep in contact was to get them all a webcam for their computer. We have set times every week that we "meet" on the webcam. It's been really great because we get to see them and it makes it seem like there isn't as much distance between us. My kids love it because they can do the normal things like show off a picture they made at school, a new dance they learned, etc.
We have the same issue and the internet cams are great. We can IM and see each other and your hearing impared issues become moot.
Hello M.,
I too am in the same predicament, but it's my parents that live far. Since my parents are not computer literate, the phone is what we rely on. My son is now 9 months, and anytime he sees me picking up the phone, he get's a smile. I put my mom on speaker phone, so that he can here her every word, even if she is speaking to me and have him hold it too so he knows that "Nonna" is on the phone. Also, which I just did this past week for the first time is, if his parents live near a Walgreen, you can upload pictures onto Walgreens' website and order pictures and have them printed out for his parents to pick up. All you will have to do is give his parents the order number that is given to you at the end of order. The Walgreens' website explains it all...www.walgreens.com.
Hopefully you will be able to find something that will work for you.
Take lots of pictures! Send them pictures as often as you can - either e-mail or through the mail.
Get one of the baby photo albums - Sassy makes one - and put pictures of family members that aren't nearby and show the pictures to your son telling him "This is ________ and he/she loves you very much". When you do see them, make sure to take pictures of your son with them for the photo album.
I think the only thing you can do is visit as much as possible throughout the year and then be encouraging to the relationship the rest of the year. Life is busy even when you live near family. I think you just have to talk with your child about these people, show them pictures, encourage phone conversations, and writing letters when they get older. It takes until they are about 3 years of age to actually truely remember but those memories stay fond in a child's heart even through adulthood.
My sister lives on the other side of the country and it has been hard for all of us to not have our kids together. In the ways I have told you about a relationship has been nourished between her and my older son (the younger is still too young) as I have a great relationship with my nephews. Hang in there!
I haven't read any other replies yet, but I would also suggest video. Are you planning to teach your son any sign? My son started to use signs around 6 months, but ASL isn't our primary language. Right now written letters would be great for him to keep in a book to look at later, but when he gets a little older, video letters might be very cool. There's also youtube and places to post videos online.
Just a thought.
What about video conferencing? You each only need a webcam and you could talk and see her everyday. This would be more realistic for your child and would be extremely helpful for your mother-in-law. Your child could also benefit sign language that he could watch in real-time. I have two deaf children and sign language is great for hearing and deaf children.
Hi M.. I have the same issue. My parents live in a different state. What I did was send pictures to family that lives far away through email weekly with little updates on what new things she was doing. Plus I would show my daughter a picture of her grandmother. I hung it up in the hall right by her nursery so when we pass by it like thousands of times a day I would point to it and say "there's your grandma". Also when my mom and I are on the phone I always put the phone up to my daughter so that she can hear my Mom's voice. And just doing that, my daughter has always recognized my mother and her other distant family too!! I hope this helped.
Hi there. You said your little guy is only 4 months old...that's still a little young to really worry about the relationship between he and extended family. that being said, i understand what it's like to have family not near you. you mentioned that your MIL is deaf...does she have computer access? digital cameras and email are great for this type of situation, and allow up to the minute contact if you choose to be that active with it. how far away do they live? my son goes to my mother's house at least once a year for a long weekend without us. he is three and a half, but he's been going since he was 7 months old. that depends on your comfort level, of course, but it is an idea. the letter thing sound great too, and any pictures to accompany it would also be great.
hope these ideas helped a bit. it's hard when family is far away, but you'll work something out!
Hi M.!
Pictures, pictures, and pictures! A friend of mine is in the same situation. What they did was make a small album and filled it with pictures of their grandparents. And when they visit, take lots of pictures of them together and pop them in the album and talk about the visits periodically. Phone them and let him hear their voice on the phone. Show him the pictures and talk about them just as you would read him a book!
A. :)
Hello,
First let me say I do hope you and family are well. I live in Pittsburgh, but my children and grandchildren live in GA. Let me preface this by first saying, I am not selling you anything, but I want to share what I do. I came our of retirement to become an ACN representative. What made me get into it was communications esp. for grandparents. They have a video phone in which you see the person, conference call, so if you have relatives in other parts of the US , up to three can be on one call. The price is 19.99 per month and you can call anywhere in the US for that price any time of day or year. It is not like skype, but this is not a sales pitch and I will not go into it. My grandchild is also young and when I call, I always make sure I have something funny and interesting to show her. Are you aware of the phones on which you can type? A visual is so important as they are learning more now than ever. I was also an educator. I do hope you find a way that fits your needs. Letters are great, but if they do not have a visual , it will take longer to make the connections. Letters are terrific after the child is older as that will also leave treasures to read over and again. I have to admit that I make the "pilgrimage" to GA at least 4 times a year. No, I am not a young grandma, but one that still drives. Please let me know how you decided to solve your problem as it may be something I could use too if not the video phone. Oh, if they have a computer, there is also an internet site for grandparents which has some great suggestions.
.
We're in a similar situation. We live in Virginia...my parents live in Ohio, and my husband's are in Colorado! What we did was we all bought webcams! The cameras are only about $75 dollars each, and the actual service of using them is free! So about twice a week, we get on them with my parents and they can see our son and talk to him, and he can see them, also! He definitely recognizes them when he sees them for real due to his exposure to them on the computer. They even interact with eachother, and it's so cute! They'll wave to him, and he'll wave back...things like that! Give it a shot, it's so worth it!
Either make yourself or purchase a photo album just for family pics. Babies love to look at faces of people, so they might as well be of their loved ones. We would read the book and show our kids the pics and talk about them all of the time. That way when we did visit the grandparents were thrilled for the kids to recognize them and know that is their grammy and poppy. I know you said she was deaf but we also had a web cam. You could talk back and forth by typing and they could see each other through the webcam. And as you said frequent letters, pictures, and update a website about new things your son is doing. HTH H.
We are in the same boat. My mom and step dad live in Indiana and my dad lives in Jacksonville. My husband's grandparents and father live in South Carolina, and we are stuck in PA with a grandmother that doesn't visit. Weekly letters are tough. What we did was ask that they send special things on holidays and something just to the baby (letter or picture wise) monthly, whether it be in the mail or via e-mail. We also utilize snapfish.com for photos back and forth. because it is cheap, we can print many pictures for our 10 month old to associate with. Then we use the speaker phone for most phone calls. Since you have a deaf family member, you can start using sign language. Even though your child will not know what youare doing at first, you'd be surprised at how fast they pick it up! Then send short videos back and forth. Most digital cameras have a video option, and even some cell phones. What is nice is that you are forced to take short videos, and they can be sent over the internet if both parties have a high speed connection. It may seem like a tedious task to have our parents do something like that (I know my mom and step dad are NOT technologically advanced). Maybe if another relative lives near them, they can help out with that.
You asked how others handle it. We take a 5 hour road trip withour daughter about every three to four months, and my mom and step dad do the same, so they get to see my daughter. We see them the most. My dad lives too far away to do that, and still has yet to meet lauren in person, so we utilize speakerphone, snapfish.com, and e-mail. My husband's dad and grandparents live closer to my dad (which will make visiting easier onus once we can afford it!!) But for them it is mostly e-mail and picture services. My husband's dad is very busy, and his gradparents aren't phone people. We also keep a myspace account so that they can check in any time. We print up e-mails for keepsakes, and keep the cards and things they send, and keep a scrap book that we show the baby fromtime to time.
Good luck, I hope this helps.
My husband & I live in PA near his parents, but my family is in CA. Our kids write letters, and computers help too! You can email pictures and I talk to them a lot about their other set of grandparents. We also text pics and videos back and forth. And of course, visit as often as we can!
Hi M.!
Not sure if you already were told this (haven't had time to read all)...I believe Radio Shack sells a wireless linksys camera where one home (or both) would have the camera plugged in and the other home would sign in to a secure, password protected website that you set up to view the other end. The person that doing the viewing would have to sign on to the computer webpage. Maybe, you can get one for your mother-in-law so your son can see her. If your mother-in-law has a hearing impaired telephone you all can talk, as well.
The cordless linksys camera is different then a webcam. If I'm not mistaken the webcam is on the computer and you cannot move it to other rooms in the house. With this, you can. We usually have ours in our family room where my daughter runs around most of the time.
If you'd like to know more, please feel free to email me.
S. B
M., I can sort of relate to your situation. My mother-in-law and all 6 of my husband's siblings live in Trinidad and Tobago. My mother-in-law, however, is not deaf. Here's what I did. Also, my parents lived down the street from us for the first 17 months of my daughter's life. Now we also have a baby boy and we live an hour away, but we still see them every week and talk to them about every other day. So I, too, felt that my kids were growing up to be much closer to my parents. Before my daughter could talk, I would show her pictures of her long-distance Granny all the time and tell her, "see Granny, oh you love your Granny, Granny misses you", etc. For my mother-in-law, I would take digital pictures, print them on regular paper at home and mail some every other week and sometimes more often. When we went to visit her for the first time, I made sure I videotaped a lot. Then I would show the tape to my daughter at least once a week, sometimes more and name all the family members we saw on the tv. My daughter was mesmerized by this, she was almost 1 yr, and I truly believe she understood they were her family, especially since she also saw myself and my husband on the tapes. Send videotapes of your son to your mother-in-law. The tapes are fairly cheap nowadays. If your mother-in-law doesn't have a VCR, maybe you can buy her one. And if she can't operate it, hopefully a neighbor or family member nearby can show her how. Believe it or not, my daugher, now 3 1/2, has only seen her Granny twice. Once when she was almost a year and right after she turned 3. On this last visit, Granny came to our house and my daughter was by Granny's side constantly. One looking from the outside would never believe that they hardly see each other. It is a little easier for us because my mother-in-law can hear so we call her often. But, you just have to do the best you can. Your son will grow up to know and adore his Daddy's mommy. (smile)
Hi M.. The company I work for offers awesome products called Letters to and from Grandma books-there are 2journal books-one for Grandma and one for your child-they send them back and forth to each other-(grandma usually sends a treat along with hers with the promise that the child will write back.). A wonderful way to keep in close contact and a sentimental keepsake for your child as he grows. Also we offer "Love by the Month" envelopes-they are large beautiful envelopes you are supposed to fill with your child's artwork, photos, letters, etc. and send to Grandma once a month to make her feel closer to your child. We also have a "While You're Away Box" to fill with reminders of Grandma that you and your child can look through when he's missing her, and so many more wonderful items to keep the two of them close. I'm not trying to sell you on my business, but when I read your post, I thought our products pertained to you. My site is listed on mamasource under local businesses, or you can visit it at www.onceuponafamily.com/sweetmemories
Blessings and Best wishes to you,
S.
Hi M.,
I know exactly how you feel. My in-laws live in Poland. My son has only had the opportunity to see them in person for about 2 weeks. We have a camera and mic on our computer that we use with Skype. Skype is a free download, you are assigned your own number, and your family is as well. You both have to download Sype to be able to talk to eachother. My son gets to see his grandparents as often as we can! I know its not alot, but it helps!!! Good Luck!
I am in the same situation, well sorta. we live close to my family but his family lives in arizona. what i do is send her pictures and e-mail her almost daily. she is very close to him and as he gets older (he's only 4 months now) i will read him her e-mails and stuff like that. well that is if we don't move out there. but my side of the family hardly ever wants to see him so i think moving out there wouldn't be a big deal for us. but if she has e-mail send them pictures and just keep close to them.. thats what i do and it seems to work good so far.
M.--
Here's kind of a off beat suggestion. Does your MIL use sign language? If so, you could teach your son some signs. That way, when he does see her, they will have that "bond." Additionally, sign language is a great tool to teach babies! They have the ability to replicate the signs prior to developing the ability to replicate the sounds to form words. If you aren't familiar with sign language, there are a variety of resources out there to help teach them...I just bought a ASL book. But I think the best resource is a DVD series called Signing Times.
I understand what you are saying about feeling bad about the relationship. I am in the same situation. My husband and I live in Delaware. His parents are in Vermont and mine are in Florida. My daughter (who is almost 3) has seen her paternal grandparents THREE TIMES in her whole life. Once when she was born, once at 8 months, and once when her baby brother was born. It makes me angry that they don't make much of an effort--especially when I lost my mom over the summer....Look on the bright side, at least your MIL wants to be involved!!!!
As a kid, we lived in the same town as my paternal grandparents. My maternal grandmother lived about two hours away, but we didn't see her often. (I remember thinking TWO HOURS in the car was just too long! Funny how things change!). When, NANA did come to visit--or we went there...It was SO exciting for us. So, even though we knew Mom Mom better--Nana was our favorite. The relationship we had with her was just different than the one we had with Mom mom. I'm sure your son will experience the same!
Good Luck! Traci
I worried about the same thing as most all of both my family and my husband's family lives locally, but my father, stepmother and brother live in TX and we're in PA. They both work for airlines so we do have the advantage of access to inexpensive flights. It also comes with a disadvantage because getting on flights as a non-rev is tricky these days so you have to fly at off times. Plus my brother is a junior in hs now and very involved in sports and such so their schedules are pretty crazy. Anyways, I've had concerns about my kids getting to know that part of my family as well as the ones that live locally. We took my daughter to visit TX when she was about 10 weeks old. We took both of my children to visit again when my daughter had just turned 3 and my son was about 19 months. They have visited us probably about 3 times a year, but they stay with my step grandparents and visit other extended stepfamily and my dad's family so on those visits we usually literally see them for an afternoon or evening while they are in town. So - not so much actual contact time....
We started with the baby photo albums and made sure to include a variety of pictures of different people - especially out of town people. I tried t oupdate them regularly to keep it interesting and talk about the people with my little ones.
We have a digital camera and try to send pics via email regularly of just everyday happenings. In those early months, they aren't doing too many different things, but they do change in size and appearance quickly so it helped my TX family to develop attachments to the kids even if the kids weren't aware of it. They also send us photos regularly so we can use those to update the baby albums.
We also try to take short digital video clips regularly. We put them on CD's And send them to TX periodically. This also helps and is sometimes easier to coordinate than connecting on the computer at the same time.
My little ones are 2 and nearly 3.5. I have to say that I'm actually a bit surprised by how connected they have become with our TX family in this short time. They talk about Grammy and Grandpa often now. Recently they've become facinated with maps of the US and have learned many states - they love to find where Grammy and Grandpa and Uncle Mikey live. They are also excited about receiving mail now. They are aware of the mailman and love to get mail that is just for them. They love to receive cards - especially with little treats like a sheet of stickers or a picture. Making artwork to send back in return helps with making a connection too.
We live over 500 miles from my in-laws and over 700 miles from my family, we know all about long distance!!!
We tend to rely a lot on pictures... Through the mail, through email, anything.... And of course visit as much as possible (like right now my in-laws are visiting us)
I LOVE the letter idea. Will your mother in-law write a weekly or bi-weekly letter?? I think it's a great idea, you just have to keep on yourself (and her) to keep up with it! If you do do that I would suggest getting some sort of nice box to keep all the letters in right from the beginning.
Also, so you don't have a hard time coming up with new things every week... Through out the week jot down all the cute little things he does. Then when you have to sit and write about stuff you'll have something to refer to!!!
Good luck!
I am in the same situation as you are. My parents are 15min away and my husbands are two hours. We try to see them at least every six weeks, and usually they come to us. A couple times my mother-in-law stayed over at our house with our son and my husband and I had a night alone and just stayed over at a hotel nearby... it's a little costly but we save up to do it.
This way it gives my mother-in-law time alone with her grandson. The only other thing I can recommend is to put up a picture of your mother-in-law and keep showing your son and saying this is grandma (or whatever she goes by :) Then, you could also send pics of your family to her, just to keep her updated... maybe even one of those "talking" picture frames so your son can see her picture and also hear her, although I'm not sure how realistic that is if she is deaf. I feel for you, it is struggle. Good luck to you and your family!!
We live far away at this point to both sets of grandparents. I make sure to send them lots of pictures and artwork. I make cards with my daughter and send them out on special occasions. We also do video conferencing on the computer to keep in touch. I make sure to make up stories that include her grandparents and talk about them often. Sometimes I print out pictures of her grandparents and incorporate it into her artwork. Hope that helps.
My parents also live far from us. We invested in a webcam so that my son can see and hear his grandparents in real time. Ours is rather outdated and therefore sometimes the words and mouths don't match but it still gives him some "real" interaction.
I agree with some of the others who recommended using a web cam. but here's another idea that may work if your mother-in-law is not great with computers. how about video messaging. now of course this will only work if you both have video cameras. but if you video a message to grandma with your son and then mail it to her. she can watch it and then reply on the same tape (if possible). that would make a great keepsake for your son!
My parents live in California (and my husband and I in Pennsylvania) so I completely understand. I make sure to have pictures of them and talk about them a lot. I do talk to them on the phone almost every day and my son can hear his voice. BUT I also wanted to tell you, I have a close friend who is deaf and is having her first child in April. Her mom lives far away from her and they have a video phone (like you see in back to the future) so that they can sign to one another. I believe it is only available to the deaf community and their relatives for ease of communication. If you can get that, it would be PERFECT, then they can actually SEE one another!!! If you would like, I can ask her for details!
M.,
hi, i know the feeling! my family is in florida, and my husbands family is in california! when my son was born we lived in virginia, and last year we relocated even further away from family with my husbands new job in new jersey. we have really tried hard to stay close to everyone and it's not always easy. letters are nice, but i found that finding the time to write them weekly isn't always the easiest. we take alot of pictures. i try and send cards and pictures out for all the holidays. i also make sure that i have current pictures of family around so my son can look at them frequently. the pictures have really helped over the last two years so when my son does get to see family, hes a little more open to warming up to them. i know you mentioned that your mother-in-law is deaf so calls are out, but if you're hooked up to the internet you can get web cams for pretty cheap(i found a 2 pack-one for each set of parent-for under $25 at wal-mart) then your son could see family more frequently and get a chance to interact with everyone. you don't have to write as much, and your mother-in-law would probably be very excited to be envolved so much with your son. i've learned that grandmas don't need to talk to interact with grandchildren :) they find their own ways! your husband would get to see his mom too! hope this helps. good luck
kris
Hi M.,
I too am in the same situation as you, we live in PA along with my family, but my husband family lives in Washington State.. my son is 15 months and has only seen his grandmom once. This breaks my heart. However we have come up with some great ways of keeping in touch. First pictures pictures and more pictures.. I take snaps of him all the time and send them to her right away just so she can see how big he is getting. But one of the things I thought was really great was the web cam.. she got us one for Christmas and we use it all the time. This way your child can actually see her and vice versa.
As they get older this will get much easier when then can understand. My daughter is now 9 so she is all for the phone calls and all the "special" packages she gets from my mother in law.
Good luck to you !!
I completly understand where you are comming from. My son and my parents are really close and then we moved here to Maryland and we have not been able to see them since last may. We are planning a trip this may. I have found that with the phone calls and letters I also send them picture frames that you can record messages on. I send them two frames every other week, one with a picture of my son and a message from him and then another one that is blank so they can send a picture and message on it. We are currently in the process of getting them on the internet so we can do live web cam with them. Hope this helped good luck and take care.
Hi M.!
I can definitely sympathize with your sitution...my in-laws live right next door, but my parents live over a thousand miles away. Does you m-i-l have and use a computer? We got a web cam and set it up so both of my kids can use it together to "see" Nana and PopPop. You may be able to hold your son in you lap at that age and type back and forth, but he will be able to see your husband's family and will then be able to recognize them when you are able to make the trip.
Hope this helps! Good luck!
K.
I live in philadelphia and my parents live in France. they only see my daughter twice a year (she is now 10 months)if they are lucky so our solution was the following: we bought a webcam and they did too , this way we can talk and see each other everyday and tell each other what is going on. i alos take lost of pictures and send them the pictures on email every week.
We are long distance from all of our family, so we've taken things a little bit farther than the webcam idea. I maintain a website including a daily blog of what is going on in our one-year old's life. I post a photo of her daily. As she gets older, I plan to have her help me write the daily message. Even though the blog address is kept private, we get about 15 hits a day--so 15 family members check on us every day. They can leave comments and I plan to print everything out for her to put in a scrapbook when she's older. Our family always says that they know more about what is going on with our little one than with the grandchildren that live nearby. I guarantee that Pappaw can tell you her favorite song, how many teeth she has, and what her most recent milestone was.
Our Internet Service Provider (Verizon) offers the ability to create a web page for free, but you can search online for several places that will host your page for little or no money. Most have software that helps you to create the site. You don't need to be a computer professional to figure it out; just able to read the on-screen instructions.
There is a website called www.daddydolls.com As a military family my children didn't get to see their father very much (he was deployed three times from the time our oldest was 7 months until she was4)I ordered a "daddy doll" for her to have him with her when she "needed" him. It is inexpensive and all you do is send them a picture (full length view) and they will make a doll that looks EXACTLY like that person. It is optional to put a picture on the back of the doll as well. We are getting one made for our children with their Nana on one side and Papaw on the other. That way they can be "with" them all the time.
I have a similar situation. Only it is my parents that live far away. My husband and I live in Pennsylvania where his father and step mother are, but my parents live in Indiana. I can't really say exactly how we did it, but I do know that while my children were small we made every effort to get together as often as possible and have my parents spend as much time as they possibly could with them. I also make sure that there are plenty of pictures of them sitting around the house, and when they were small I would make sure to say as they were looking at the photo who they were. My mom and I have also found a good little town that is halfway between and if there is going to be a long period of time in between visits, we meet for the weekend and spend time together that way. Now that my two girls are older, they even go out for a week during the summer. It does them good to get away from us. And my parents look forward to that one week all year long. It takes a lot of commitment and money, but your children need to be able to see his parents as much as possible.
