Looking for Alternative Discipline Methods

You may have tried this already, but I have used a reward system instead of punishment sometimes. I have a 3 year old daughter who is as sweet as she can be, but she went through a time this year when she would bite at school, if someone took something from her, or if she got frustrated at someone. At first we tried the negative punishment approach, but it didn't do anything! She LOVES Reese's peanut butter cups, so I bought some snack size cups and each day that she goes to day care, I let her see me put one in her bag. I tell her that if she behaves at school and doesn't bite, then she will get her treat...this worked amazingly well, and now we don't have that problem any more and we don't have to do the reward anymore either! Hope this helps!

My 6 year old daughter's counselor said to discipline not by taking things away but by adding chores. She said to have her unload the dishwasher, etc. She also said that we could make her pick up rocks in the yard and then put them all back out one by one. She said this tends to work better for some children instead of constantly taking things away. Hope this helps. It helped for us!

I have a six year old son who has the same problem. I had my chid tested. He was diagnosed with ADHD. The doctor requested that he takes adderall and it has been over a year that he has been on these meds. My son is also intelligent and a straight A student and loves school but now his behavior is being contolled with medicine. I have not had a phone call or a note sent home in over a year. When you only have one child you want to do everything you can do to make sure your child gets the best education he/she can recieve.

A little about me:
I am 30 yrs old married with one indepedent 6yr old son. It is very hard when you are trying to raise a child on your own. My husband is in Iraq and I am doing it own my own. Even before he went to Iraq i was still doing it on my own. My husband is also a Truck Driver for Frito Lay.
So I understand what you are feeling when it comes to your child.

When my daughter was young, she was very stubborn and didn't obey. We learned that giving her choices was the answer, then she felt in control.

Example:
Your son asks for a drink...you start asking questions:
Would you like the green cup or the blue one?
Would you like milk or juice?
Would you like a lid or a straw?
Would you like to drink it in the kitchen or the dining room?

The key is to ask as many questions as possible, giving a choice of 2 items with each question. This way the child doesn't feel like decisions are being made for him, he's making them himself and therefore feels in control. Only give 2 choices that you are happy with either answer.

This works with discipline too:
Example:
When you son shows unacceptable behavior....say:
That behaviour is unacceptable in our family (or at school, church, etc.) would you rather have your 5 minute time out in the chair or on your bed? If he refuses to answer or tries to pick something else, you simply increase the time and repeat the question. If he refuses to answer again, simply increase the time and repeat the question again, continue doing this until he realizes that if he doesn't choose, he will be in time out for a very long time.

This approach worked wonders with my daughter when she was young, she is now 16 and a very well behaved young lady. I'm not sure if the school will work with you, but you could try.

Good luck!

It has worked for my son most of the time to take away playdates and even making his bedtime earlier than usual(in 15 minute incrememts)when other taking away options havent worked.

T.,
I have the same scenario with my stepchild. He scores high on all the standard tests but doesn't do homework because "it's a waste of time" or "busy work" and consequently has really bad grades. He is also under the impression (accidently taught by his widowed dad)that rules are stupid and don't apply to him. I had a very wise pediatrician with my 2 older children who said I had to teach them how to make decisions. "Do you want pbj or spaghettios for lunch? Do you want the red shirt or the blue shirt?" And my favorite, though I wasn't normally much of a spanker, was "would you like to climb out of your car seat and walk into the house by yourself or would you like for me to take you out of your carseat, give you a swat and put you in your room for a time out?" Funny. They always decided that staying in the car wasn't their best choice! The doctor said to only give them 2 choices and to stick with their decision and they would learn to apply it to life in general. Seems to have worked well. He also taught me to teach consequences and to stick to my decision. If my child acted up in the store, we would park the cart after telling the check out that I would be back in a little while, I would take the child to our babysitter (we had a standing arrangement for this) all the while explaining to the child that if you don't behave in the store, you go to the sitter's now AND the next time. And make sure that next time, they really do go to the sitter's. Remind them that they are going there instead of shopping because they didn't behave the last time. After doing that a couple of times, I had the best behaved toddlers in town. . . in that regard at least! But they carried those lessons on and now are happy well-adjusted adults. Consistency (or lack thereof)is your friend or your enemy. You can decide which.
Good luck!
ps. I remember a child in our kindergarten class that was a bit too free-spirited for class. He was a distraction and disruption, though a charming one. The teacher and parent worked up a cool trick that seemed to improve matters. Everyday, the teacher would send home a paper traffic light. If it was a bad day, there was only a red "light" on it. A marginally bad day would have a yellow circle and a great day would have only a green one. By the end of the first semester he was proudly bringing the green ones much more that the other colors. Part of the deal was that he had to explain to his parents what had happened to cause the color, whether green, yellow or red. He graduated from highschool on time with a letter in sports so I guess the threats of expulsion weren't necessary after this trick!

My son at 2 1/2 was very cooperative at morning preschool .
They made an exception and let him attend 5 mornings instead of 2 or 3. I needed this help/ older grandparents babysat Any way by 4 he was attending a public preschool morning 3 days weekly and afternoon 4 days at his first preschool. He developed bad habits. The morning one was giving him sugar laced cookies and drinks. They would not allow me to provide his snacks. The sugar was affecting his behavour. My solution was to send him 3 mornings and 4 afternoons to the first preschool. So is he getting too much sugar snacks and drinks, and is he bored? Have you dropped into both Kindergarten and daycare to view what is going on?

M. W

It's about time for some change!

This boy is possibly bored. However, one thing you definetly need to do is to structure your home along the lines of school and daycare. Post rules, a reward chart, and change your way of his losing priviledges. If you notice that no computer, tv time or video games doesn't have much effect on him; change it.

I have a seven-year-old that reads novels or writes stories when she is on restriction (which is still entertainment for her). What I do now is let her chose an outing, or somewhat expensive gift to work toward. It's very disappointing to her when all her friends have seen the latest movie, but she lost that reward and now has to wait a couple of months before it hits DVD. (She also has to work to earn that DVD)

The #1 thing you have to do, though, is stick to your guns. Let him know that you won't tolerate that behavior at school, daycare or home. Make surprise visits to his school and daycare to let him know how serious you are (you might find out that the problem isn't just with him). If he cuts up at school, request that the daycare put him on restriction the next day (like 5 minutes off his play time). Also, my daughter found it quite embarrassing to have to give her teachers letters of apologies in front of the entire class.

Have you spoken with a psychologist? They can put him on a behavior modification program, those tend to work much better and yield better results than using punishments. Token economy systems are great for this age group. You reward good behavior with "tokens" these could be a sticker chart, puzzle pieces, etc. when the goal is reached (say 5 tokens, 10 tokens etc.) you give them a reward that has been previously discussed, such as going out for an ice cream, a toy or book they wanted, etc.

It is a good way to teach them to value of money as well if you use real money for tokens.

Could your son possibly have ADD or ADHD? I have no experience with this myself but a friend of mine has a son who was diagnosed. Since his diagnosis, and now that he has treatment, he is a new person and is excelling in school. He is a completely different person when he doesn't have his medication. On another note...Does his behavior seem related to the amount of attention he receives? Is he acting out to get attention? Could he be needing more one-on-one time with you or with teachers? Suspension seems drastic for a 5 year old. Maybe meet with the teachers to get their take on it.

I also have a 5yr old son who has had these same problems in the past. He would get out of control when things didn't go his way. He even hit one of his teachers a time or two, he would get destructive and they would call me to come and get him. We tried grounding him from cartoons and making him do chores, what ever we could to make sure that he knew he was in trouble. This behavior continued, and became more frequent. So I started asking all of my family to give me suggestions. One of the suggestions was to put up a calander and for everyday that he was good to put a sticker on that day, and if he was bad of course he did not get a sticker, and instead of punishment just to say "I asm so sorry you had a bad day do you want to talk about it?" After he recieves so many stickers we reward him with something that he likes, like a trip to the park or renting a movie, maybe even going out for icecream, so far (knock on wood) it has been working for my son, he has now went two months only having one bad day!

I have a little bro who was much the same in school. At an early age, teachers told my mom he was a problem child. Then later on (around 5th & 6th grades) teachers often told my mom to have my brother put on riddilin...this is before they discovered ADD or ADHD. My mother refused...stating that her child just needed a firm hand. Yes. My brother struggled thru school. But, he did graduate and has since graduated from a Tech school.

I have had the oppertunity to work part time in the school system as a Substitute. It is not an easy job. Each child has different needs for each different subject he/she is learning. For 1 teacher to get the material across to all the students is amazing to me.

If your son is truely intelligent, it is possible he is bored. (my brother often called school "boring") If there is more than 1 Kindergarten class, maybe they could try moving him to the other teacher.
You also may want to have him tested for ADD...but remember that in the US, children are often OVER diagnosed with ADD.
The one thing that gets across to my School aged Step-Children is MONEY. Maybe he needs "rewards" for grades. A quarter for an A, a Dime for a B, a Nickle for a C...

The only other suggestion I have is to Ask his teacher and/or principal to sit with you AND your son to discuss behavior and consequinces. This way your son knows exactly what is expected from him at school.

Good Luck.

Hey there... I've been there done that.. expect my kid is four. We started looking for alternatives when at 2 1/2 I swatted him on the bottom and he laughed at me. This of course was not acceptable to me so we decided to start an ugly box. Talk about a difference! The ugly box is a box that sits on top of our fishtank (out of reach) this box is where any toy that is currently in his hand goes into the box immeadiately upon the act of bad behavior. If it's really bad behavior we end up putting other toys (it has to be favorite ones) in as well. The way that he gets that toy(s) out is by random good behavior. It has to be random so that he doesn't think oh, if I do this I get my toy back. Now I know this will be hard with school, but we've gotten to the point that the mention of the ugly box by the teacher get our little one back on the straight path. We've coupled this with positive reinforcement of good behavior at school. So, for every day (in the beginning) that he was good at school, there was a treat after school. It could be a slush from Sonic or an extra piece of candy or getting something out of the ugly box... Now we're up to a week at a time of good behavior gets him a matchbox car at the local store. This has to be done immeadiately on the way home from school so he doesn't forget why he's being rewarded. We've gone for five weeks without any bad behavior at school. I fully believe in the ugly box. Plus I don't have to physically discipline at all. Even when we're out shopping or in public we just have mention the ugly box and things that might go in to resolve any behavior issues. It took about three weeks of constant every day or every other day putting things in the box and getting them out to get him in the habit of knowing the consequences of bad behavior but eventually it stuck and we're keeping it for the long haul! Hope this helps!

You may try at home positive statements for things that he does right. Try not to reinforce his undesired behavior giving him attention--in this way he is getting attention in a negative way. You may also try a goal card. Put certain goals on there that you want him to meet. When he meets a goal, have him make a check or put a sticker by the goal so he can see his progress. You may want to do something like 4 stars equal something special. You may use food since you are at home, but food is not the best "something special." You may also try giving him choices in times where undesired behaviors occurs such as, "You can play nicely or you can have 5 minutes of think time." This will not work immediately. Changing behavior takes time. The school may also like to try these with him to keep it consistent. I hope this helps you!

Do you pay for this Kindergarten or is it attached to a school?

If you pay - move your child to another one! These are supposed to be child development specialist and know how to deal with all sorts of children.

Threatening to suspend a 5 yr old is just not on - they obviously do not know how to do their jobs.

You say your son is intellegent - maybe he isn't being stretched enough and is bored and that is why he is acting out. Worth exploring.

Hope this helps.

A school/daycare should be willing to work with you on this. I would suggest trying positive reinforcements since the negative ones haven't had the desired effect. One method that I used when I taught school is to have a chart on his desk. See if the teachers will have a chart on his desk (you might want to offer to buy the chart and stickers) with the expectations listed. When he follows the rules for a short period of time (you may have to start with 15 - 30 minute intervals) he receives a sticker. He can receive a predetermined "reward" for a certain number of stickers in a day. The reward can be something as simple as you eating lunch with him or taking him to the park or a favorite place. Though some gifts might be used, I would recommend making most of the rewards time and attention from a parent/loved one. The goal here is to make the time for stickers longer as he masters the shorter goals. For example, if you start with 15 minute intervals and he gets stickers for nearly all of them, move to thirty minute intervals, then an hour, then two until the interval is a whole day. This is labor intessive for the teacher in the beginning, but should be worth the pay off. Let her know that you will follow through at home and that you appreciate her working with you. Encourage the teacher to notice the good behavior and point it out to him by saying things like "Johnny, I like the way you sat down the first time I asked." and "Wow, Johnnie, I know that it was hard not to call out the answer. I'm glad you waited your turn." You will get much further with the teacher if you make it clear that you are going to work with her and constantly "praise" her for her help and attention to your child. Teachers are human and they respond to that. Work with the teacher and present a united front to the child. Good luck!

Pick out with him something that he wants very badly. Discuss costs. Give him the money to make the purchase in quarters. Explain to him that on this date; make it a week or two out you will take him and his money to make the purchase. (Keep the timing short) Also explain that for every note home or phone call etc he will have to give back a quarter. Keep the change in a clear glass jar someplace where he can see it, shake it touch it...

If he gets notes or calls then he will not have enough money to get the item.

There is something about the tangable returning of the coins that makes them feel that it is real and see the need to tow the line.

Worked well on my "Mr. Logic" who wouldn't do anything he did not see the reason behind doing or not doing.

Instead of taking things away or threatening, this age responds beautifully to positive reinforcement. This was recommended to me and it was a miracle! I recommended it to a person at work and he thinks I am a miracle worker! Have your child make a calendar (color, creative) with your help and put it in a central place. Tell him that for every day he does ____ (gets a good report from school, turns in all homework, reads for 15 minutes-something concrete) that he will get a star on the calendar and for every ___ (reasonable number like 5-7) stars he gets he will get a reward that you choose together (ice cream, have a friend over, Incredible Pizza, movie, etc. but not too big a reward). You will be shocked how motivated they will be. For my older boys it was Pokemon cards and they would do anything to earn those. Good luck!

I know you must be frustrated. Have you had his hearing and vision checked? Just a thought - but think about it, if there is a visual or auditory problem, it may affect his ability to follow directions. I have a 7 1/2 year old son and we covered all of those avenues, and had him tested for ADD and ADHD....he is actually more of the hyper type than the ADD type. Also, perhaps your son is bored and not being challenged enough in class....do you have these problems at home? Just another thought.

Also, I learned that punishing my son at home for things at school (at age 5) was too drastic and not effective. Let the teacher deal with that at school....

Hope this helps.

My daughter went to private school for Kindergarten, but when I put her in public school for 1st grade we had some of the same problems your having. My daughter is not a special needs child, but the Special Ed teacher got involved to help. Between her classroom teacher and the Special Ed teacher they started a rewards system. Rather than punishing her for not staying in her seat or talking out of turn, they would reward with stickers for staying in her seat for 10 min. or give her free time in the Special Ed teacher's room at the end of the week if she met certain expectations set up by them. With a couple of weeks you saw an improvement in her behavior. Her classroom teacher, every Monday, would tape this dinosaur with spots on to my daughter's desk and everytime she did something good, she would color a spot, and at the end of the week if all the spots were colored she got her free time, but if they weren't she got some type of reward for the ones she did color. This way she didn't feel like she was being fussed at all the time or always doing wrong. The good things became the focus and she started wanting to do better.
L. M.

What about a merit system for when he has a day that he doesn't get in trouble? Maybe he can collect stars(or whatever) and after so many stars in one week, he earns a treat-trip to the library with you, park, ice cream-whatever works for him. I kind of compared my children's behavior at school as to how adults have to follow rules also. For instance, if I were speeding, I would get a ticket and that it has consequences. I tried not to go too overboard in that comparison because I didn't want them to be scared of a police officer. But you can compare any type of authority figures for adults to the authority figures at his school. You could also have the school recommend any books that they know of in this area and maybe make it a nightly reading at bedtime. Kids do very well with repetition although it drives most of us adults crazy. Good luck and congratulations for recognizing this early on.

R.

Talk to his teachers. Maybe instead of being given "directions" he needs to be given choices. For example, instead of saying "pick up those toys" Ask him, "would you rather pick up the blocks or the cars?" This might help him to feel like he's got some control over the situation. I would hesitate to punish him at hom for something he did 3-4 hours earlier at school. Because at that age, he probably won't relate the punishment at home to what he did at school.

Again, set up a conference with his teachers to find out exactly what they're expecting of him. Find out what techniques they are using to communicate with him and to get him to cooperate. I am a preschool teacher, and I have never thought that I have all the answers. Usually when I have a child who I have tried all my tricks with and it still isn't working, I will ask the parent for ideas. Look at the meeting with his teachers as a problem solving meeting rather than a "what are you doing wrong?" meeting. This will help his teachers to feel more comfortable because they will know that you are working with them to solve the problem. But at the same time, you want to make sure that their expectations of him are too high. Are they asking him to do things that he just isn't developmentally ready for? (i.e. are they wanting him to sit still and listen for too long?) If so, then it isn't your son's fault that he can't and the adults need to rethink their strategies.

The key is that as his parent, you know him and his quirks better than any teacher or "expert." Trust yourself.

You have received a lot of good advice and I do like rewards systems, if they work. We have my 6 year old on a plan that rewards him with a small "surprise" if he goes for two weeks with no infractions. However, it doesn't always work with all children. My daughter, who is now 18, is extremely bright (and stubborn!) but when she was little I was having trouble with her throwing tantrums at daycare and school. After exhausting all efforts I finally just told her that on days that she got in trouble at school she would have to come home, eat some dinner and go straight to bed. No tv, no playing, no friends...nothing. After two evenings of laying in bed staring at the ceiling while all of the other kids were outside playing, it sunk in and we stopped having as many issues. Unless he has other underlying issues, which it doesn't sound like he does, he is old enough to exhibit control over his behavior.

Good luck with it and take comfort in knowing that kids do become a little more reasonable as they get older!

What I didn't see mentioned is what his background was previous to kindergarten so I don't know that this applies. However, I knew of a child that didn't attend any preschool and was therefore simply not accustomed to a disciplined environment - the child had been cared for by his mother or family and therefore the regimen of activity had fluxated and revolved around him. Not having experienced a structured school environment, he hadn't developed the ability to cope with kindergarten. It took a long while for him to adapt. A little girl I knew with the same background and experiences repeated kindergarten to insure she would be able to handle a full day in first grade. Just some thoughts to consider. He just might need time to get accustomed to a structured environment and I see some great suggestions have been made to help him adjust. :)

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K.