Looking for Help with My Lonely Husband.

Men can get the "baby blues" as well as women. I suggest that you try marriage counseling, or have him talk to his doctor about being depressed.

You have to make time for date nites. Maybe 1 time a week the 15yr or someone else can watch the baby for an hour or two while you and your husband spend time together.

I certainly understand your dilemma and I would suggest if either one of you have relatives that live close, call them to come and babysit while you take care of other things. Since your baby is so young, I would not suggest getting someone who isn't experienced in child care. Just someone who can give you a few hours for yourself and for your husband. It's very hard and unfortunately men don't understand what all we have to do day in and day out with a newborn. DOes your husband have friends that he can go out with to help him keep his mind off of the temporary situation?

yes E., i agree w Julia.Hubby needs to fend for himself a bit right now and show u a little more support.you are a first time mom-enjoy your baby boy!! the world won't end if the house isn't perfect-i know at times it can be hetic looking at a mess but it's ok.i think you need to talk w hubby and say that u r doing the best u can right now and want to focus most of your time on the baby and as a family and if things get behind then so be it.plus if u do have family close then ask for help-don't think u r being weak or anything by doing so either.a baby is a lot of work just in it's self.i remember w my first i wanted to do everything for her and didn't want any help-trust me take all the help u can get!!!it will help things be less stressful and get a nap in whenever u can.if u keep going the way you r,you are setting yourself up for a breakdown,especially with your hormones after just having a baby.i feel for you because it sounds as if you are alone trying to keep everyone else happy-don't forget about yourself sweetie:)

Another non-apologetic reply:

You shouldn't be doing anything but taking care of your baby right now. You have a ONE WEEK old and you are cooking and cleaning? I could hardly get up and down the stairs at one week postpartum! Did you know that in many cultures a new mom isn't even allowed to do such things? Her sole purpose is to care for her newborn, and her entire family cares for HER!

If your husband gets stressed out when things arent' done, I suggest he and your step-son start doing them, then maybe you'd have more time for him. A 15 year old is more than capable of taking care of his own needs, and he could certainly start doing many of the household chores in the next month or so while you recover and care for HIS little brother. It really sounds like you are caring for 3 children in that house! I hear you saying you'd do anything for HIM, and I would bet he feels the same way, but what is he doing to show it?

It sounds like your husband wants things to be the way they were before the baby was born? Well, that ain't gonna happen! He needs to grow up and pick up the slack. Once you ALL get into the new rhythm of things, life is going to run a lot smoother.

I understand that it's not always easy to talk to your spouse, let alone to get him to LISTEN. Perhaps he can go with you to your next doctors appt, and you can make an advance phone call to your obgyn to let them know about this problem. Sometimes a third party can make the situation more clear. Hopefully your doctor can be an advocate for you and the baby.

Best of luck to you and your newborn.

You mentioned having to take care of a business. Can you hire someone else to do that? Can you hire someone to help with the cleaning and cooking? If money is short consider canceling cable/satalite or other bills you do not have to have. There are other ways of lowering expenses like increasing the deductible on your car insurance, having a basic phone line (ex. no caller ID, call waiting, etc...), consolidating credit cards to one credit card with 0% interest. Those are the things I can think of off the top of my head. Try to get any penny you can from anywhere by lowering your household costs so you can hire someone to help with the cleaning atleast. You should be spending you time with your new baby, step son and hubbie. Cleaning is overrated. My house isn't a pig stye but I've learned to let the dust be. Since then I have much more fun with my son and husband. Remember the moments that are important are the ones you spend with your family not scrubbing the bathroom floors. Is there someone who can watch the children for you a couple hours a week? Maybe you and your husband can go out for dinner or a movie.

E.,

You have some great advice with the other responses but I had to put my two cents in also.

Know that this is very common for a husband to feel left out or "lonely". All of a sudden he has "lost" his partner and caregiver.
I also worked with my husband in his restaurant and it was quite an eye opener when I made up a schedule where we would take turns between the business and our daughter. My husbands response when he saw my schedule was "you mean I have only one day off"(whiny voice) and I said to him "no, WE have only one day off to share". Your husband is going to try to keep everything the same even though there is a new born in the home. This should not continue. Before he was probably the center of the household and now you and your new son are. Men can be selfish and it is up to you to teach him what you need right now. Right now it is not your job to make HIS life less stressful it is actually his job to make YOUR life less stressful as you are caring for your baby.
Accept as much help from family and friends as it is offered. Have a list at the ready of things others can do to help. Even go So far as to call a close friend or family member when you are especially exhausted and ASK for some time for them to come over and help hold the baby or be there for your stepson while you get some sleep. Are you receiving meals from your friends and family? I received them from church, exercise class members, friends and family for weeks. Let these people know about any dietary needs. Let the community come together and help you care for the new member of your family.

I could go on with more but just let yourself enjoy this time and let the house go if need be. Clean floors are less important than you getting enough rest.

Stand up for yourself and your son,

Evleyn

I apologize in advance...
Your "poor" husband! What does he have to do but get up, be fed by his wife, go to work and eat a lunch packed by his wife, come home and eat a nice dinner prepared by his wife, then whine that he cant have one on one time with you? What the hell! Can you say selfish?
Sorry.

Hi E.,

Being a new mom is very overwhelming! I remember those days! Your husband may need some time adjusting to having a newborn at home. Yes, the house, the cleaning, the laundry and the cooking are all not going to be tended to. It's great your husband is such a hard worker and he deserves rest too, but so do you.

Is there any way for you to enlist the help of other family members or neighbors? Maybe your relatives can make some casseroles for your family to freeze and eat at a later time. What about a good friend or neighbor who can sit with baby while you take a nap for an hour or so? And have that friend over to help with baby while you can tidy up a bit. Can you ask your stepson to help with little chores around the house?

Hope you get your much needed rest and help!

Wow!!! You sound like an amazing person!! Your husband needs to realize what a gem he has!! Instead of him coming home and putting his feet up, he should help you and let you put your feet up and take a breather! You have such a difficult job of being sleep deprived, and adjusting to a newborn....I have an 8 month old and during the 1st 3 months of the baby waking up all night, my husband and I had a routine that we would do at night... I would breastfeed the baby, he would then wake up and burp and change the diaper... our son would then go back to sleep, and we would as well...
All I'm saying is that if you share responsibilities, it seems like much more of a team effort, and you then go through everything together instead of just you...it will also help him bond with the baby and he won't feel like you are giving all your attention to the baby because all of your time will be shared, and both of you will be tending to the baby...For the first 30 days of my sons life, we had family and friends here every day helping out! So please make sure that you are being good to yourself, and accept any help that is offered.....Good luck...get some R&R....

Hi E.,
It doesn't sound like to me that your husband is "lonely" it more sounds like he is jealous of the time you are spending with your son. He needs to get involved and hold his son and bond with him. He is the "head" of the household and needs to start acting as an adult and father. Your relationship has changed as he knows it. He also needs to get off his high horse and help you around the house. However, I also hear that you allow him to relax so why are you not allowing yourself to relax? You BOTH work all day long, you just have different responsibilities. Just because he brings home the money doesn't mean he works any harder than you or that he has a more important roll than you do.

Some things that I have learned and works well for our family is that you take 5-10 minutes every day as soon as your husband gets home from work and the 2 of you talk about your day and what's going on in your lives. Next schedule a date night once a week, where you and your hubby can spend some alone time together. Get your 15 year old or a friend to watch the baby. I can understand if you're not willing to do this just yet, but think about it when your baby is about 4 weeks old or such. You need to take care of your marriage now. Your marriage needs to be healthy first. Our children learn how to cope with the world based on their home life. If it's caotic and unloving, that's how they will see the world.

Tell yourself that you deserve to relax and cuddle with your son and then just do it. We as women way too often put others first and neglect our own needs. You need to take care of yourself. Afterall, if your not feeling well then who's going to take care of you and your family? I bet your husband wouldn't know how! Good luck!

Your husband doesn't think you need to spend all of your time taking care of a ONE WEEK OLD baby??? Is he out of his mind?????? He should not be expecting you to do anything BUT take care of the baby for the first few weeks after childbirth. I can't even be as nice as the women below. He is being completely unreasonable and selfish. Whether you love him madly or not, this request scares me. To be blunt, he sounds controlling and abusive. You need to get some marriage counseling, and fast.

Please please take care of yourself and your baby now- you are not even healed up from birth! PLEASE - DO lay around the house with baby all day and sleep when he sleeps- you should not have to deal with a home business- you legally get 6 weeks off in any job. IGNORE the laundry and the house! Your JOB right now is to bond to your baby. Sleep with your baby, wear your baby in a sling. Your baby is an extension to your body right now. Please pick up 'The Baby Book' by Dr. Sears.

--Your husband needs to feel connected with the family and with baby too. Dr. Phil says you have to teach people how to treat you. Teach him how to help you right now. Let him take the baby when he gets home so he can bond too. You husband needs to feel involved, so give dear hubby jobs to do - make him a honey-do list. And tell him to grow up and be a big boy now because YOU JUST had a baby!

Please get some rest with your baby. You will never get this time back to do so! There will always be house chores to do- NOW is YOUR time! There are post-partum doula's that can be of assistance to new mothers to help out or get your 15 year old's friends to hire to help you do the chores. You are a type A personality like I am so you are going to have to FORCE yourself to lay down and rest! If you don't you will pay for it later. You say you thought new moms were supposed to get a break while they heal. You are right- but in this day and age you have to make that happen for yourself or it wont happen.

God bless you mama!

wow...if he thinks you don't need to spend all your time looking after the baby, is he volunteering? Maybe he should get out with some friends, if there is no family there to help take care of the baby while you spend extra time with him. The baby is only one week old, it will take time for everyone to find the routine that works, til then, he should just be thankful that he has a new baby and a very loving and caring wife!

E.,
I am a 31 year old mom of a 6 month old baby... I had and have a similar situation like yours. The Pregnancy days were all about me and my husband and we used to spend all of our free time together. Once the baby came, forget it... Things changed dramatically. I didn't have anybody around me but my husband who worked all day. My family is back home and I got baby blues and I think I even got postpartum dep. but did not know it... Anyways, I had to put all my time into taking care of our new born one my husband went back to work (after a week). As soon as he came home, I was either in the kitchen making dinner or with the baby (either one)... after dinner I had to be with the baby, nursing.... and so on. It was difficult to find a little time to be with my husband and just hugg him and cuddle with him. My baby was very demanding and evern now that he is 6 months... he does not sleep through the night and I have to whatch him all the time. My hubby works hard too, so he gets home soooooo tired that all I want to do is to compensate with a good and delicious dinner and a great attitude from me... so at least he gets a positive atmosphere around the house. We can't do so much when we are in this situation but at least give him a good attitude, a nice caress through his hair,,, a good dinner and he will feel better. It does not take so much of a time and it worked with me. I am also taking care of my small business and I can't find a time for so much.. .that some times I forget to take a shower! It is insane! I get so jealous at other moms that say that they have their mothers or their in laws, or any other relatives that can not only take care of their children but to do ohter chores around the home to help so they can get a break,... I don't have that freedom so my husband and I get stressed out and frustrated when we want to have some time together but there is a baby crying or humgry; or I have to start cooking or cleaning the house, or going groserries shopping or doing stuff for my business, etc.... We are in a budget (or at least we are trying) and we can't afford for a babysitter so we can o out, so we stay most of our tie at home or go out all three of us and have a little time out... It is my first baby and I am learning... A lot of things I have learned myself, sisnce pregnant. I did not have anyone to give me advice on how to do things, how to care for my baby, etc. Thank God we got the mother insticnt that help us go on, plus some reading of books and online info. So I am sory... I am going on and on with my story. I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone, I feel like you and my husband like yours... This time will pass.... so hang in there, when the baby is older there will be more time for our husbands, for now let's hope we all hang in there. I am sure the next stages of our babies will be chalenging also, but I think we will have more freedom to manage time with our husbands.

God bless you
Susana

E., E., E.! Sweetie, you are ONE week post-partum!! All the marriage/relationship advice I've given up until this point is more empathetic to the men. HOWEVER - your husband is going to have to DEAL. He cannot be burdening you with this right now. You are responsible for your baby; and if you're breastfeeding, your little guy is feeling EVERYTHNG you're feeling. You need to bond with your new son and your husband is undermining that by making you feel guilty. His spoken "Thank you" is inconsistent with his actions and deeper message. This isn't right and I think Hubby needs to talk to a professional (QUICKLY) about his jealous feelings toward his infant child. This is NOT your fault or responsibility. I'm so sorry.

Take care,
J. Smithson
Loving Hands Learn 'n' Play
http://www.lhlearnandplay.com

Congrats on your new baby- it is SUCH a precious time! A lot of new Dads go through this at the beginning (mine did)- and it is not talked about much, nor do they get as much support or tools to deal with the change as women do. There is Jealousy, and the pressure of financially caring for another person. Most men have some sort of breakdown once baby is born, and don't even understand why they feel this way. The best advise I can give is to let your hubby know you understand that the new baby has but some stress on him too , and create an environment where he can be open about his REAL issues surrounding it. After all, you are PARTNERS in this great voyage. Also, there are some really great support groups for new fathers out there that he may find helpful.

It sounds like you are doing the best you can- that's all anyone can ask. Your baby is so young- Enjoy him. Daddy will have to be a big boy. In the meantime, remember to take time for yourself. The change has been hardest on you, and without proper nourishment, you won't be abe to be there for ANYONE!

Oh my goodness E.!! I was a first time mother at the age of 27 also, i now have a 2 year old and am 30. You sound so compassionate and loving regarding your husband and his needs, but you ARE RIGHT!!!! new mothers, ESPECIALLY first timers, are supposed to be given extra help and leeway to adjust to postpardum stresses, hormone loss, pain, and physical and emotoional adjustment. For your sake and for the sake of your newborn. Newborn babies sense any type of stress and need mom to be as calm cool and collected as any new mother can be when they bring home their first miracle. And I am sure that having a stepson is beautiful, but in no way prepares you for becoming a new mother to a newborn baby. You have so much ahead of you before you can sit back for even a moment and think to yourself, "I've got this all under control" (which by the way just recently happened to me after I quit my job and my daughter is 2!!)
Is there a possibility for him to be able to go to a counselor and see if his depression could be chemical? I totally understand that you have and want to continue supporting him, as he goes out in the world and provides for the family...but there really isn't a more important job, nor a more rigorous or time consuming job than being a mother. Relationships are always supposed to be two ways, and that doesn't mean that they always are, because sometime one partner is in greater need than the other, but I would have to say that the one in greatest need right now is you! Do you have any good friends or family close by? Anyone who can offset some of the work for you while you are still such a new mother? Also, can the miraculousness of a new baby bring a spark to your husband that would motivate him to jump out of bed and help out as it is his precious new son that just arrived in this world? You sound very loving and sweet, but I don't think you should be left without support from him especially. Becoming a new mom is a CRAZY experience!!! It really is mind blowing and should be shared with your partner. Befor I gave birth, we (my husband and I) cooked lasagna, fried chicken breasts (tons of them) pasta, spaghetti sauce, etc. and put it in the freezer, so that I could just yell from the bedroom, "Honey, can you please heat me up some lasagna!? ...while I was nursing around the clock. Some of these "planning ahead" ideas can really help take some pressure off the both of you at this rough time. Also, you said you have a 15 year old? If you can get him involved in any way with a non-monetary incentive, like staying out later with his friends, or more phone time, etc. get him to agree to two or three chores that would really help you out, or the family, like taking out the garbage or emptying the dishwasher. I would love to help you if I could, being a new mom is a ONE TIME experience, and I will share with you that while I was pregnant, though I had a wonderful and easy, healthy pregnancy, I was a headspinning psycho from all the hormones running through my body (also was carrying a girl!)...so after I gave birth, the changes in the hormone levels cause a significant amount of unacknowledged side effects. I really needed love and support at that time. And being calm for baby is crucial. Please try talking to hubby again, and letting him know that you want to be supermom (which i might add, DOESN'T EXIST) because you love him so much, but that you physically and emotionally can't do it. Share time together with him with lullabies on and a candle, gently bathing baby and admiring your creation. Try and incorporate the time that he is missing with you into time that you have with baby and some of the things that need to get done. Also, really- try cooking a whole bunch on one day with a girlfriend or family member and stock up for the days when you just can't do it. You sound like a very loving person and I wish this time for you to be sweet and peaceful. Life is short and we all deserve the very best.

Take care of yourself,

S.

I honestly think that there is no real solution everyone just has to grin and bear it for the time being. I would suggest that you pull in your older son to help more and have dad have a talk with him letting him know how much it would mean to the entire family if everyone pulled together. Even YOU sit down and have a heart to heart with him. your not to far off from being that age so im sure you could find something to catch his attention to want to help. or just get him to help with the baby (theres a thought) let him do alot with the baby maybe it will act as some birth control for him. after he knows what its like taking care of one you know he wont get some girl prego!! Most husbands go through being lonely but honestly its not your responsibility to absolutely do everything. I know we want to be the perfect wife but a perfect wife comes from support from a husband just like a perfect husband come from a supportive wife! if he wants more time i think that he needs to help too. yes he goes to work and works extremely hard but so do you! you just created another life for your husband and your job is all 24 hours a day you don't stop like you give him the chance to do so explain that to him. that for you to give him time you need help catching up with time. my trick for all this was to stay up late one night and clean the heck out of the house so that the next day i could spend time with my boys and husband and all i needed to clean was little messes through the day it's easier for me to stay on top of everything if at the end of everyday i stay up for a half hour or hour more to pick up the house so that in the morning i don't have that burden. It's just very hard until you get into the swing of things! hang in there we do make it through!! thats what earns you that great name MOMMY!

My husband & I went through something very similar. It took alot of communication & time before we felt like a couple again. Your husband may need someone else to talk to. There are daddy support groups online & locally where he can find some grounding.
You should really be resting because it will continue to be hard for the next few months. You, your husband, stepson & newborn deserve the best wife & mother you can be, and you can only be that woman if you have time to sleep and recover. Congratulations & good luck!

E., I concur with all of the mom's below! including the marriage counseling.

I was like you feeling that I should do everything and work full time. I took 3 months pregnancy leave and did everything including unpacking from our move, yardwork, thank you cards, invitations to a 150-person red egg (one month) party, cooking and cleaning for the party, etc. It was ridiculous. After 2-1/2 months, I was ill for about 3 days with 103+ temperature. My husband did not take time off from work to stay with me and take care of the baby. I was on the couch sweating and too weak to get up for the baby. She slept with me on the couch with a blanket over us. I vaguely recall pulling her to me to nurse and I was too weak to make food for myself for go to the bathroom. Why did I tell you that? It is because you need to focus on you and start making demands. First of all, he is tired but he needs to take baby when he gets home so you can have time also. Apparently, he had no clue what this entails. Secondly, give him back the responsibility of managing his business. You and baby are priorities and you shouldn't be expected to continue with all your previous responsibilities and add the full time infant care. Third, your step son is old enough to help out. He can help clean the house, do laundry, ironing, and BABYSIT. In fact, so can dad. I am sorry that you have to go through this. I did it without any support and my husband still has issues about why he should help out take out daughter to lessons, etc. I hope that you are able to do better than I did and that your husband will change enough to be a good partner for you. Obviously, you are a good partner for him. Now he needs to be a good partner for YOU.

By the way, if you belong to a church or other mommy support group, you might be able to find people to talk to and who might be able to provide some assistance. A pastor or family counseling specialist can speak to the both of you (specifically your husband) to get you both the help you need.

Wishing you lots of help and sleep.

J. W.