Looking for Support During Limbo Marriage Time

Maybe what you wanted was the kind of advice others are giving--permission to get out and move on. But it seems to me that your faith gives you convictions that marriage is a serious covenant so you want to do everything you can to preserve it. My husband is a pastor and we do some marriage counseling. Without a doubt, the book we've found that gives the best perspective on marriage is "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas. To be honest, it won't be giving clever ways for you to change your man, but it does help a person have joy and purpose in the middle of a difficult situation. I love that you're taking the initiative to pray for him... PPW a great book for that. I know it's politically incorrect to suggest that there's more to marriage than what's in it for you, but I'm reading between the lines and seeing the tension you feel between what you want to do and what you feel you ought to do. If this is true, don't make a big decision before reading Thomas' book. May God's grace be with you.

It sounds to me like you are doing the right thing on your end by putting your faith in God and letting him handle this for you. God wants us to trust on him completely, especially in times of distress, but it also one of the hardest things in the world to do. I will share this though, My husband and I were lierally days away from signing divorce papers when the Lord pulled both of us to him at the same time, something I thought would NEVER happen. If you truly believe that your life is in God's hands, then please do not doubt that he can work miracles for you to, nothing is too big for him. I know its hard when you going through a valley to see his light, but he will pull you out, the hard thing is not knowing what he has waiting for you on the top. You can continue to pray for your husband, but you cannot control what he chooses to do, so just continue to keep your faith that God knows what he is doing with you, remember he tells us that "His grace is sufficient for us", it may not seem like it at times, but I found it is true. If you ever need an ear, send me an email.

Take care,
Jen

Hi J., Please go to http://p075.ezboard.com/Women-of-Passions-Heart-of-God-In...

You have to register to access the marriage restoration board but the Administrator will grant access. I have used this site before. Jan, one of the Administrators has an awesome testimony about her marriage and she is a wonderful woman of God.

Also marriagerestoration.com or org (I get a daily email on restoration from them. Today's testimonies (always on Saturdays) are inspiring. Check it out

If you want to, I can also share with you by IM, email or telephone my own testimony. I can't do it on a public forum.

I am praying for you, and in addition to the Lord, you have many brothers and sisters in Christ going through or been through what you are facing. Keep up the good fight my friend. It can be hurtful, lonely and heart-wrenching, I know I've been there.

Good morning J.,
I have been in your shoes and it isn't a pleasant place to be. A few years ago my spouse was acting horrible, at that time we had been married 25years had three grown children and two grandchildren. I waited it out but like you I was scared to death to be by myself. Long story short we will celebrate our anniversary this comming Nov. and it will be 49 years. I really think now that it would have been best at the time for me to say it is time you either treat me with respect or move out but I didn't. It is great and wonderful now and I am glad we stayed together but it is pure when you are in a marriage and somene isn't happy. Good Luck and I will also keep you in my prayers. K.

hi J.. A friend of mine in Washington (state) linked me to mamasource a few months ago, but this is the first time I've posted here. Our situations are a little bit similar...I'm 49; my husband is talking about selling everything; he's said he was going to buy a motorcycle. I completely understand the scared and lonely part...and going to God to meet your personal needs. Like you, I have 3 children. Two are students at IU, and my youngest is 9. I don't realy have advice per se...just wanted to send you a *hug!*, connect with you, and say you're not alone!

A good book to read in this situation is "Love MUST be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson, it should be at your local library. It is really, really good. Your line "I can be so mealy and weak" struck a chord with me and is exactly what he deals with in this book. PLEASE get it you won't be disappointed.

Have you condsidered God might be leading you out of this marriage because this relationship is not healthy for YOU and that there is something and/or someone else out there that was meant for you - that would bring you peace, happiness, love, health, joy?

Hi J.
I'm 43 Married with 5 children only one at home. I think god has given you his answer. You need to stand up to him. you need to tell him to ether love you like you should be loved or move out so you can find someone that will treat you like you should be. I really don't be live in divorce. But I don't be live someone should live unhappy. Another thing is when he tells you that he is still attracted to you, it's a way to keep you on a string. My suggestion is don't move into the apartment with him. get your own place pr stay with a friend and tell him that when he makes his mind up that is were you will be. Some time you have to go away for them to realize what there missing, or you will find out it's over. My Husband and I had a similar problem about 3 years ago, I went and stayed with a friend and about 8 days later he was at my door begging me to come home that he couldn't live without me ever sense then we have been like newly weds. We also got marriage concealing. That was the only way I would come back.
I hope every thing works out for you. Please let me know.
God bless you.
G. W.

hey J.

i dont know if i talk to u already but i responed to some one in the same thing ur going through am sorry to hear that you r in thiss stay bout am very happy u have but God on ur side i have read this one book lovers from the bible learn from there relationship, it might help, i know how u must feel trying to love some one who seem so distant remember all thing we go through grows is in our relationship in christ, and we must also rember things r in time and season and even if you have been married a long time your marriage my have been a season and you could have wanted to be a live time i know you will make the right chose seeking God in this matter, next time u seek the lord ask him about lifetimes and season i wish u all the best stay blessed and ill be praying for u, them emey comes in all shap sixe and colors. some ppl dont trust God with there all in soon he will show them who he is the only God. and i seen some post about God cant do nothing for you they r wrong keep your head up and keep God in ur heart and life

Hi J.,

I've been thinking about you for two days now and I have just had time to respond. I totally agree with the women who urge you to seek the LORD first. If you both are meant to be together, He WILL give you the wisdom to discern whether it will be the case. I also believe you need to totally lay your husband at Christ's feet. This is my testimony. My husband is not a Christian and one day I broke down sobbing for Christ to change him. Let me tell you, it was not my husband who changed first, God changed ME first... and now my husband is drawing nearer and our marriage is stronger than ever.

One thing that made all the difference to me during this period of waiting was joining an online support group of other men/women who are in spiritually mismatched marriages (either their spouse is not a Christian or they struggle that their spouse is on another level). The Group is called 1Peter3Living... named as such because we are all trying to live out 1Peter 3 from the Bible in our marriages. I invite you check us out:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/1Peter3Living/join

I also implore you to not only Seek the Lord first, but to wait on Him before you do anything major... Pray in everything you do. I pray grace, mercy, and especially wisdom for you during this time.

You can e-mail me or check out my own experience of waiting on God in my marriage at my blog:

http://therealdeel.blogspot.com/2008/02/as-i-wait.html#links

I'm praying for you,

V.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Prayer is definitely the way to go! I would also recommend spending some time in fasting & prayer. Sometimes the things we are facing have a lot of spiritual baggage attached. There is a reason why our Lord fasted for 40 days before beginning His earthly ministry in the fullness of the Holy Ghost. Something happens when we get to the point of needing God more than life (food) itself. When we are weak, He is strong. I think you are right not to ask for affection...he may resent it. You are still showing him unconditional love by sticking by him when many others would have given up. Don't give up!! God is ABLE to do the impossible! Please don't listen to those who are telling you to move on, that there may be someone else out there... This is not God's will or true love & forgiveness. Even statistics show that a second marriage is twice as likely to fail. You are bound to your husband til death but don't follow him around like a puppy. Instead, use more subtle attempts to reel him. Make yourself pretty, workout, make changes in your diet to give yourself confidence. Smile a lot! That in itself can make you beautiful, not outward appearance. Make his favorite meals. Tell him how much you respect him. Once he comes to his senses & sees how close he came to losing you, he will be so thankful to have a woman like you who loved him even in spite of his insensitivity. God stands with you when you stand by your man. Don't stop smiling!=) Praying for your marriage to be beautiful...

J.,

Sometimes men don't want to come out and admit it's them who wants out and wants YOU to get tired of the situation and call it quits. That was my situation many years ago.

Have you tried going to counseling? That will help you work through the anger, lonliness, etc. I will say prayers for you and I hope that everything works out.

I am sure I will get slack for saying this, but leave religion out of this. I do not think that God is leading you down this path or will solve all your problems by prayer. You have to control your life, not your husband or God or anyone else. I agree that you need to talk to someone, someone wh is in the same situation, a support group, or even your pastor. I am not against religion, but stop being so helpless and take some control of your life. Open your own bank account to begin with, be prepared, not helpless.

J.:
Please do not enter into a lease agreement with him on an apartment.
You have a good job, you are an intelligent human being, and you can join into some activities that are for adults who don't have children at home who need a child care provider in order to go out.
Open your own checking account pronto.
Let this man find his own apartment!!!!
I agree that turning to the Creator in Prayer is helpful. In the Bible it tells you if you have turned the other cheek and continued to be struck you need to separate yourself from this person. There are people in this world you can not help and being around them can harm you. You are instructed to avoid contact with people you know are harmful to you. I am preceiving he is one of those people at this juncture of your life in the church and out of the church as well!!!
Seek strength from the Lord but remember we have to help ourselves, he can't do it all and he won't!!! You have to help yourself!!! My belief is God helps those who help themselves, he is not able to control everything because he gave man free will and is not able to control the evil in man's heart!!! If he could there would be no devils, would there??? He put the evil out there for us to resist, some of us refuse to resist. By hurting someone emotionally we are practicing evil. I am sinner, I will always be a sinner, but I know to go to my Creator for forgiveness. The Creator isn't asking me to be a worm, a slug, or a doormat. If I am any of these things I can not help anyone and am not serving the purposes I was put here to achieve.
This relationship is not going to improve without a lot of serious counciling and therapy. The most important step you can make for yourself is to separate from him, get a place on your own and then enter into counciling and therapy with him if you feel you can't live without him, without him if he is unwilling and unable to commit to trying to see both sides and make things better!!!
Join a church circle that meets in the evening, join the American Legion Auxillary, the female organization at the Moose Lodge. There is a great group of readers, writers, who meet on Saturday mornings at the library in Avon of both sexes, join an evening painting class these are also of both sexes.
Meet some new people who share your interests and live!!!
You are smothering yourself in this relationship and it isn't fair to you or to your children! In fact as time progresses it may well damage your relationship with your children!

I will continue to pray for you.

There is nothing worse than being lonely inside of a relationship. Believe me, being by yourself is ten times better by comparison. The house is sold and the cars -- I don't know the backstory, is this to get rid of debt? Whose? If there is cash left, do you have access to it? This apartment that your husband has planned, why didn't you have any say? What are you scared of, being abandoned? Even though he is still there, perhaps you need a reality check, because it sounds like he is already gone emotionally. What do you want for the rest of your life? Is this how you want to be treated or do you deserve much better? You need to find the courage to ask him what he wants from your relationship and tell him what you need. If he isn't willing to work with you to meet those goals, then you need to realize -- before you sign any lease that makes you fully responsible should you wake up one morning to find that he's left you holding the bag -- that the marriage is over. But I suspect you know that, you just can't say it out loud yet. But you need to make sure you have access to all of your assets immediately, and that no sums over a given amount can be withdrawn from your mutual bank accounts without your signature. Don't allow yourself to become a victim.

One more thing...art sometimes imitates life. Get a copy of the movie Why Did I Get Married? Interesting POV that might be helpful.

Do you live here in Indiana? I co-lead a wonderful class called Marriage Standers - God's Design for Your Marriage, in Carmel, Indiana. It is a support and teaching ministry to women for marriage enrichment, for those with ongoing relational marriage issues, and those struggling with separation or divorce, but who desire God's best for their lives.

If you live far away, I would love to send you the workbook for free. It is written by an amazing woman, a great mentor of mine, who took a stand in her own marriage. Her story is included. I, too, took a stand 2 years ago and watched God work a miracle in our lives.

Hey J.,
All these ladies have great ideas! I agree, focus on the Lord for He will give you strength! Have you ever thought about going into business for yourself? I agree with what one lady said about men finding some woman more attractive by them being assertive and independant. Maybe once you focus on something that you have passion about "other than him" maybe he will see what he is missing.

I own my own Mobile Spa business and I would love to talk to you about the opprtounity. Its a great way to earn extra money by helping others! Have fun girl time and relieve stress on you and others. Its a great feeling when you walk away!

Let me know if you are interested in being a spa diva.

www.beautipage.com/michelewells

Focus on GOD and making yourself what you want it to be......NOT him or your marriage. You'll end up strengthening your relationship w/ God, you, as a woman AND will be able to figure out what you need to do in the process. Sometimes, men find this attractive in itself when women decide to do things for themselves and are independent vs. depending on them for everything.

Find a women's bible study, support group of some sort and/or take some classes that you've been wanting to take.....again.....bettering yourself, creating a social network and maybe even one which will help your career AND personal life.

J.,

It's really simple..MOVE ON. It is evident that your husband does NOT want to be in this marriage with you. I know it may be tough for you to accept, but stop the madness and move on, believe me, this too shall pass and before you know it, God will send you someone to share your time, your love, and your family with. Companionship is essential at our age. Go for it, Girl, GET OUT NOW!!!!

J. N. (age 60)
Indianapolis, IN

I lived in a marriage like this. It is better to be alone and want or need a hug, but it is worse to be with that person and not have them respond to a request for a simple human touch. I could put my arms around my husband and he would put his hands in his pockets and ignore me. It HURTS and you are in a better position than I was. I was 31 and had just a high education. I supported myself and 2 sons on minimum wage. The lady who said not to let your name be put on a lease with him is smart. I would open my own checking account with 1/2 OF your joint account. Put your check to deposit into your account. And though this sounds harsh change your insurance and your will as soon as you can. Now that my children are grown, my oldest son is in charge of everything because my youngest has brain damage from a car wreck. He is in ok shape but there are things that he just does not handle well. You are a special person and should not let yourself be treated like you are not. Take care of you and let him stew in juices of his own making. Take care and treat yourself well, you deserve it.
If you need to talk my email is ____@____.com
B.

It seems that it is time to let go of something that is no longer there. Everyone deserves attetion affecton and respect in their marraige. You need to begin to live your life thinking of your needs and happiness. This is not a practice round. We are only in this game once!!! Enjoy yourself and others as much as you can!!

All I can say is that you need to take care of yourself. YOu need to find a support group. And men are not good at ending things when they know someone is there to take care of them. You need to step out and live with or without him. Start going out and getting more involved helping others. He obviously doesn't appreciate what you have done and are doing. Notice I did not say anything about dating. You are not in shape to have a relationship with another man at this time. You need to start taking care of yourself physically, spiritually, and emotionally. If you give it to God he will take care of you. Have you read The Five Love Languages. Gary Chapman seems to know a lot about relationships.

You sound like you're doing great. Just keep in mind that God already has this part of your life planned for you. Continue praying...for yourself and your husband. My only suggestion is to treat yourself. I am a Mary Kay beauty consultant. It's a Christian company full of faith. I'd love to treat you to a free facial -- just to relax & enjoy some girl time. It'll be totally free -- no strings attached. Please let me know if I can help you out. I'll pray for you!

J.,
I am truly sorry for what you are going through. I too had experienced the same thing a few times in life. I've been in and out in relationships since my first twos father. The guy I'm with now (we've been together going on 5years), had put me through hell in the beginning of our relationship. At times I feel like he only puts up with me and he says he loves me because it being a habit. He never compliments me or makes me feel important or loved. We do talk about our situation and he says he's gonna try to show more affection and attention to me and our kids. He slowly is working on it and I'm glad he's doing so. I just wish it wasn't so late. I mean, I love him and am not going anywhere, but I'm so hurt and lost and feel like I'm spinning down spiral. I cry a lot because I don't feel like he understands where I'm coming from, nor anyone else who has never experienced this, I know there are other women who has gone through the same thing or a lot more so I try not to think I'm in a very bad place. I just wish things were a lot happier in our lives like it should be. I sure hope yours turns out for the best. I can tell you one thing that I've learned, if your the one trying to work it all out, its not worth doing on your own. So if he's not willing, act like your not interested anymore and don't chase after him, don't question him, just leave it as it lays...I'm sure that if he loves you maybe he'll be wondering why your not chasing him anymore or interested in him, he'll either lose his cockiness or he'll figure out that he's really missing out! You are beautiful inside and out, just because he don't find you interesting anymore or sexy...don't mean your not! There are plenty of fish in the sea and you just might find yourself a bigger better fish that will support your every need! Good Luck & Always will pray for you and yours! Also, congrats on the grand baby!!

Your story hit home to me. I was only married 4 1/2 years when me & my husband both hit the wall that we had been building. I knew things were bad but I just kept my head up and took 1 day at a time. One weekend (which was always the hardest since it is unstructured time, we were cleaning out the garage & we were disagreeing about something (nothing major) but since we had so much tension around us, it was not easy. I asked him to come sit by me for a minute so we could figure out how to take care of a problem. He couldn't do it. At that time, I knew something had to happen. I came home one evening to what I thought was going to be, no kids & time to talk. Instead I came home to a note that said the kids were with my Mom and my husband was at his friend's house. He could not take things anymore. He was gone for 5 weeks. During those 5 weeks I found myself kneeling down asking God to help me. God first led me to a Catholic Church where I asked for help and also spoke up about my "issues" that have driven me away from church. I was told about a retreat for struggling marriages. It is offered a like 5 or 6 times a year. The next one was only days away. This was my sign. Unfortunately my husband did not jump on board so fast. It wasn't until the nwxt session that he finally admitted that we needed help. We went to the retreat. It changed my life. It opened my eyes to my feelings (which I had been out of touch with for most of my life). It also opened my eyes to my husbands feelings (which translated into other relationships; ex. Mom & Dad, Friends, Children). It also helped me gain a relationship with God Unfortunately this did not work for my marriage but PLEASE do not take that as a sign that the retreat is not good. I am much more of a rounded person since this retreat, I cannot say enough about the program. Please check it out. www.retrouvaille.org
It is a weekend retreat held at different locations - just check what is near you. You have a chance to just hang back or you can meet other couples. You do not share unless you want to. There are only minimal times for group discussion. The weekend is set up for you & your husband to work on your marriage. It then has 6-12 post weekend sessions (2 hours a week, usually on a weekend. It did help me with a relationship with God but that part is not pushed on you at all. I have always considered myself a Christian but my husband was very leary of that. My husband was very leary of the entire thing. Like I said, it did not work for me but in my defense a marriage cannot work if there is only 1 person that wants it to work. My husband chose not to do the "dirty work" of getting into his feelings. Love is a choice. I hope that you & your husband can both realize this & come to love yourselves, love Christ, and love each other. There are only 2 of those things that you have control over: Love you & Love Christ. He only has control of those same 2 things. If you get the 1st 2 - the 3rd can be found!
I will be praying for you both.
God bless,

A.

I am now a happier, more confident, mother of 2 (10 yr old son & 4 yr old daughter). Because of Retrouvaille I want to get married again, someday. I believe that I have the tools to find myself (and keep finding myself) which has helped me shape better/healthier relationships.

Dear J.,
I will be praying for you. A book that I read that has helped me with my marriage and raising my kids is a book called Love Languages By Gary Smalley. It discusses what language we need to speak to our loved ones so that they feel loved. The 5 love languages are acts of service, gift giving, touch, praise, and spending time. I feel that you should give him space but also keep in touch and help him to know he is unconditionally loved.

Because OF Him,
L. M.

You need to look online and buy materials from Rori Raye. She is incredible about taking care of yourself and changing the energy between you and your partner.

K.

J.,

I too have been in a marriage where I was doing all I could to be attractive and try to keep the relationship together. When you speak of the "eye rolling" that hit home... first of all we should not have to be asking for a hug. It sounds like to me your husband is trying to find happiness and he has decided perhaps that responsibility to a mature real marriage is just to much work for him... LET HIM GO... You deserve so much more than what he is willing to give.

Pursue your painting, read books, take a course in foreign language. You are not alone and there are many others watching over you right now just take baby steps and know that you will be o.k.

P.W.

(Recently divorce after 20 years and 3 boys still all at home 18, 13, and 10.)