Losing a Parent

I'm so sorry. ❤️
It has been said that a mothers death is the first death we grieve alone.
I think that's so true.
(((Hugs)))

I lost my mom three years ago suddenly, and I wish that I had time to say goodbye. Please, instead of grieving right now....live! Take this time and mend the relationship, say what needs to be said, and live and spend time together.

I still miss my mom terribly. I am very thankful we were really closed and saw each other almost every day in the last few years. All I can say is that is SUCKS to lose a parent! However, it brought my siblings and I closer than we have ever been, and bond that will never be broken.

I am so sorry about this news.

My father died. We were close. When we found out he had a brain tumour my husband advised me to spend as much time as possible with him. We did that. We lived an hour away and every Friday afternoon after work we would pack up the whole family and go to my parents place to stay the weekend. My husband would do the necessary work on their property and house, and I would help my mother and just be with my father. It was a very happy and sad time. That is my advice to you. Spend as much time as possible with your mother. Do not let an opportunity go by to be with her. You will never regret it, and will always be thankful you did.

oh, sweetie. i'm SO sorry. damn damn damn.
i got that in 2012. i'd had my little mumsie since i was 10, my sweet little Evil Stepmother. terrible relationship with her as a kid, came to love and appreciate her so much as an adult.
i wish i had words of wisdom for you. naturally one tries to savor every moment etc and so forth, which in itself can be stressful. one really CAN'T savor while one is laser-focused on savoring. the relaxation and acceptance is part of what makes it sweet, isn't it?
do spend time with her. don't beat yourself up when you need to NOT spend time with her. you'll need alone time too. don't expect every moment to be limned in silver light. just hanging out, arguing over what to have for lunch, fussing at each other over normal things, laughing at stupid movies, all have a place.
we had to move my parents out of their home of 30 years. that was hard, as they needed SO much help, but letting go of her stuff, and letting people see what her neat self had had to let slide was very very hard for her, which made her hard to deal with despite the innate sweetness of her nature.
and then there was hospice. i wish i could tell tales of happiness about how great they were as most people do, but they were not wonderful for us.
what is your situation, me love? do you live nearby? is she in assisted living? is there other family near by?
it's such an individual, hard, lonely journey. my thoughts and prayers are with you both.
:( khairete
S.

My mother died years ago and I always took solace in the fact that I treated her with kindness and respect, regardless of how poorly she treated all of her kids. That said, I also had to discern between what our relationship truly WAS and the what IFs.. like, if only she lived longer and got emotional help and or would have stopped drinking sooner, we could have had a better life.. etc.. so it's important, I think to grieve the reality because if we get hung up on all the what ifs and could haves... we ll go on feeling bad for a long time.. that isn't to say, there won't be a longing.. for years I longed to hear her laugh (she had a great one) but I also longed for more of that when she was alive... to me, it boils down to the here and now.. we never know how much time we have together, so do the best you can and if there are apologies to be said, say em.. if there are I loves yous to be said, say those too... it's weird, in my mom's case.. I think life was a much harder struggle for her than dying.. it takes courage to do both... but some only truly ever do one of them. In my mom case, sadly, she died before she was ever truly born... so use your mom's life and perhaps some of her struggles as a lesson in your own life to discover how you can continue being a great mom and or where you can make improvements.. can you become a better friend, partner , employee. the lists goes on.. I have discovered over the years that it's not how long we loved a person but rather how deeply we loved a person.

I've not experienced this yet. All I know is to send cyber hugs to you.

This weekend has been sweet because I flew my dad out to visit and we had a great weekend.

For the first time since he told me that he and my mom were divorcing, when I was 13, I got his e-ticket and when he told me thank you and goodbye, he had tears, and said I love you! I was touched and struggled to keep my composure.

I only posted here because both of my relayionships with dad and mom have been strained, mostly mom.

Either way... Great relationship or not, feelings are real. You are in my thoughts.

I'm reliving the six weeks in between the first trip to the hospital and the end, from one year ago. Just do what you can NOW (without worrying about the past), so you can have no regrets when she is gone. I spent more time (she finally allowed it...), ran errands, rubbed her feet - I did the best I could, and I'm OK with that.
It IS really hard, when you have a complicated relationship...just do your best, and be at peace with that.

I'm so sorry. Many hugs to you, my teacher buddy.

I lost my dad 10 years ago. He went to bed one night and didn't wake up. I didn't have the chance to say goodbye.

He died of complications from alcoholism. He had heart trouble and never took his meds. I don't know if he was too drunk to remember, or too drunk to understand how important the meds were, but he died of a heart attack at 54 years old.

We were extremely close when I was a child, but I spent most of my 20s angry with him because of his alcoholism. Thankfully by the time he died I had accepted the fact that he wouldn't/couldn't change and loved him for who he was. We got to be very close again. I miss him every day.

My only advice to you is to allow yourself to grieve as you need to. Everyone is different, and every occasion is different. I loved my dad so much, and also loved my grandmother to pieces (she died a few years later), but I grieved for them differently. Take care of yourself, and allow yourself time to feel and to heal.

We didn't get a chance to say good-bye to my father in law when he died a year ago. I'm truly sorry.

IF I knew one of myparents was dying? I would hot tail it to them and make sure they knew I loved them.

I'm so sorry! I hope you are able to get to her in time.

I think its harder when you don't have a close relationship to lose a parent. Its your mom and you are sad for what you never had, what could have been, and what could be the last part of your time together. You need to let yourself feel however you want to feel. If she's close by you might want to let her know that as of today you will start a new relationship for this part of your time together. Don't look back and let all the garbage in the past burden now. Now is all you have.

Mostly I'd like to tell you that this is hard. You are on a roller coaster of feelings that will change from day to day/minute to minute. It'll be hard now, it'll be hard after she's gone. You'll be ok. You'll find a new normal in your life.

I lost my dad very suddenly many years ago. He was my touchstone in many ways, and I regret NOT having the chance to say goodbye. But, I know he knew how much I valued and loved him.

My mom and I had a much more difficult relationship. I love her. She was the best mom she could be...but she is now in end stage Alzheimers.

Some days she has some clarity with respect to memories from years ago. Mostly not. I just keep trying, as often as I can, to 'touch' a kinder/gentler memory from long ago.

I am glad in a way that you have some time to say your goodbyes. I send healing thoughts and prayers.

There is no easy way to lose a parent...or anyone we love.

We muddle through I suppose.

(((cyber hugs)))

I am so sorry Rosebud.

For what it is worth...It has been my experience that people often have a harder time grieving when the relationship is/was complicated. I hope you can give yourself a break and be kind to yourself. Say what you must say so you don't have too many regrets. <<hugs>>

SOOOO sorry to hear that you have reached this period of life when we have to deal full force with parental decline and death. It is a very hard thing. As Wise Woman Suz said, it is a very individual journey, so I hope that along the way, you'll be able to take the relevant bits and pieces from others' experience and all the support they offer. My father gradually became less and less able to do things, more and more limitations, and the final piece was congestive heart failure which just drained away his energy. At the end, he just ran out of the drive to live, I think--yes, there was a fall and broken hip which led to an operation that he couldn't possibly have survived, but I think his energy just faded away bit by bit in the years before that. He died in 2011, and I still miss him in lots of ways, though there is comfort in knowing that he was really ready to go. I wish you and yours all the opportunities you need to spend time together, share the good things and how much you love each other, and know that in time, those joyful and strength-giving memories will come to the fore.

I'm so sorry!! I lost my Mom last November. My mom was diagnosed in 2005 with Frontal Temperal Dementia and Alzheimers. It was hard as hell watching this accomplished woman disappear. I thought I was ready for her death but I was NOT!!!

I spent as much time as I could with her. My Mom and Dad would come visit once a month. I would keep mom for the weekend and my dad would go visit his brother or just get a hotel room and veg. It was my privilege and honor to do this for all of us.

We took a family vacation 2010 to celebrate their (Mom and Dad) 50th Anniversary. Honestly, looking back, we had no business taking her out of the country, BUT I'm so glad we did. Great memories for all of us. She was mostly lucid and she had a great time telling everyone she was from Texas!!

Listen to your heart. Spend this time if you can with her. Trust me afterwards you will be thankful you did. Again, I'm so sorry!!

No words of wisdom, just a giant ((((hug))))

:-(

My mom died last July and it was devastating. There is no way to avoid that. Before she passes try to maximize your time. Feel free to ask anything you may ever want to ask your mom because you won't get the chance again. Apologize for anything you may feel guilty about. Tell your mom openly that you love her while she can hear it.

When my mom died someone on here recommended the book Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman. It's really been wonderful and reading it really helped me to sleep at night. Grief is individual... nobody can really share your grief with you or diminish it.
Try that book... It says everything I want to write to you much better than I could personally write it here.
I'm sorry you're losing your mom. It won't be 'ok.' I was 32 when my mom died. You will find that once your mom is passed everything changes. Things around you and all around your life will take on more or different meaning.

I last my Dad about 10 years ago. I was only 31 at the time and it felt way too soon to be losing a parent. We weren't super close but I guess our relationship was the best it was going to be. I always tell people, your parents are some of the only (if not the only) people in your life who truly love you unconditionally. Whether they are good or bad parents aside . . . they have a love and connection to you that can not be replicated. When you lose one of your parents, it's like feeling a little disconnected from the world . . . as if you are just not quite sure where your anchor is anymore.
Enjoy time with your mom while she is here. All the "stuff" won't matter when she's gone. You'll want some good memories to look back upon.

I'm so so sorry. It's very hard, and in some ways, it's worse for people like you and me who've had issues with our mothers. We're mourning the impending death, but we're also mourning what might have been. Sometimes those who have always been close to their mothers are more at peace, you know?

There's also a transition as we middle-aged women become the "old ones" in our extended families. That's a "promotion" we don't really relish at all.

I don't know what issues your mother had in her life (childhood, adulthood, both) that caused her to be distant or limited or even cruel, but you were on the receiving end of those limitations. I'm sure you are doing the best you can to be a better parent and adult than she was. Maybe somehow she was trying to do better than she had been taught too. (Maybe not - but you know and I don't). I know now that, as I look at my very frail and fading mother, I expect less of her and forgive her for what she couldn't do for me that I needed. I wish it had been different, but it wasn't.

She may well be mourning what she didn't have with you, and what she won't have going forward. Try to find some good things, some good memories, some funny and wacky things. One thing I did for my mother was to write out, in a blank journal, a list of good memories - little things, moments from holidays or vacations, silly moments, the day she surprised us with a puppy, the time she flunked out of dog obedience school (my mother flunked, the dog passed), how she cared for my great grandmother after cataract surgery (when Great Grandma thought the man in the TV set could see her so she dressed up), and on and on. I cried and laughed as I compiled it over a few weeks, and it meant so much to my mother who read it every time she was feeling down. Maybe something like that would help you both.

Try to find peace so that her remaining weeks or months are comfort by the knowledge that you two do, indeed, have something worthy of remembering.

I am so sorry. I haven't lost my mom, but I lost my dad and my mother-in-law. I know it's not the same.

I don't know your relationship with her other than what you've said, but I would recommend that you talk to the hospital social workers. They may be able to give you some words of wisdom.

The other thing that I want to say is that even though it's hard now, it can really shock you how hard it is after the death. That's something you want to prepare yourself for.

Big, loving hugs to you, sweet lady.

Sounds to me like you may also be grieving the relationship the two of you never shared. Instead of grieving the loss like she is gone already why not opt to celebrate what life she has left while you can.

My mom died in 2011 but I knew she had health issues from 2009. Currently my father is in poor health (the results of over 40 years of smoking). He is in his last days.

With each I tried and am trying to make their last days as joyous as possible. My dad just had a birthday Saturday so I took him a delicious meal and balloons. He enjoyed them much. Today I took him my sister aka his favorite. He lit up like Christmas tree. I'm just happy I could make him happy. I have tons of pictures of us together and videos and found out tons of fun things about him like his favorite food, color, and song. I have great memories with my mom and great memories with my dad. And when his life is over I can use the rest of my lifetime remembering the good times I help create with him instead of the horrible times.

Grieve as you need too but also celebrate what you can. It makes the sorrow not so deep and no so heavy.