Loss at the Holidays

I feel his pain. I am 38 and both of my parenst are gone. Each holiday season, my family (husband and 2 kids 6 and 3) do two things. We follow an old tradition that my mother set in place - like baking cookies or visiting a favoriate holiday location, but we also make a new holiday memory. We go or do something that my mother and dad, but I was a mama's girl, never did before. I tell the kids lots of silly stories to build their memories of my mom and I try and focus on the happier times. You cannot make his pain go away, but you can put in place new memories. I attended a few adult bereavment sessions with hospice and that really helped me put things in perspective. Good luck you are doing what he needs: beging patient and supportive.

Hi T. -
Let him cry, it's what he needs to do. I lost my father 4 years ago this December 29th. He was 44 and it was a tragic car/pedestrian accident (he was crossing the street). I did not grieve very well at the time because I felt I had to be the strong one for my sisters' (3 at the time between 10 and 19) I focused on finishing my undergrad. degree and my upcoming wedding. A year later it started to catch up to me and even now...every now and then I just need to cry it out. Big cascading tears equipped with sobbing and panting. I wouldn't say I was particularly close to my father and saw him for the person he was (not particularly a great guy) but he was my daddy, the only one I'll ever have and now he's gone forever. Grieving is not a set process that any two people go through the same way. Your husband needs patience and understanding. Three's nothing you can do but rub his back and cry with him...cry for him, whatever. As loving mothers we instinctively want to make everything better for everybody but there's no way for you to heal this pain.

I lost my mom 3 years ago in Dec. to cancer. It's not easy to get over and I still find myself crying or getting teary eyed at certain things. My mom was very involved with the church and the music. I've had to go as far as finding a different church to involve myself in. Have you and the girls try to start new family traditions. Maybe ask him what he & his dad would do in certain areas and doings. The best you can do is to be there for him. Let him cry. It's good therapy.

A little Grief Counseling sounds in order.
It is difficult the first year. My dad died 18 years ago and my sisters and I still purchae a bag of those stupid "cream drops" and place at every Christmas function we do. these were daddy's favorite. something simple, but it reminds us that daddy is watching over us. Did your hubby and his dad share one tradition? Maybe you can work with that.
Most importantly be there for him and if he needs to talk or cry - let him - don't judge and listen.

For starters, the fact that he cries is very very healthy. If he's started listening to Xmas music already (in October?) means he's getting mentally ready for the holidays without his dad . . . And if he cries now, it'll probably be easier than you expect when the holidays finally do hit. I remember a friend whose husband died of cancer -- and she said that she expected T-giving and Xmas to be very difficult with her and the kids, so she had steeled herself to get through it. . . .which she did, better than expected. It was after that, when some little incident would trigger a memory that she'd break down and lose it. These kinds of things happen, though. It is a part of losing the company of someone we love, and it is normal, and healthy. The "unhealthy" grief pattern would be to remain stoic and not express your emotion, or tamp it back to the furthest recesses of your mind so you don't have to face it . . . to walk stalwartly toward the holidays, thinking how much fun they will be, etc. . . when reality is very very different from that.

Perhaps if you spend Thanksgiving with some new and different people this year ? And talk about Christmas when you get closer to it. Ask him what he thinks would make it easier on the kids to be without Grandpa. . . Do you want to do it the same old, same old, or jumble things up with a "new" tradition added into the celebrations -- with something new going on, that Grandpa wasn't a part of, it might take some of the sting away.

It is hard to sit back and watch men cry. We don't expect them to in our culture, so we don't know what to do when they do. But crying is okay. Give him space, knowing that each of those tears brings him closer to the time when he can square his shoulders and walk through life a little taller than he did before. Know that the fact that he can cry in front of you shows a huge amount of trust in your relationship, and honor that trust. He's lost his best friend and his mentor in life, so he probably feels as if he's lost in the woods somewhere -- but he'll come through. Allow him these sorrowful times, and continue to welcome him with open arms back to the living -- share your lives with him, the joys and funny things that happen with the kids during the day, ask about his life at work, etc.

Most counselors say it takes a full calendar year to process the grief and another year after that to really more on. . . so do what you can; be encouraging and supportive, and keep the family on an even keel while your husband takes a little time out from time to time to grieve his dad. You'll get through this, and so will he. But there is no instand fix -- it takes time. Lots of time.

Please accept my sincere condolences on your family's loss. I believe this will be the most difficult Christmas for your husband since it is the first since his father's passing. Perhaps there is a way you can commemorate your father-in-law's memory by doing something he liked to do during the holiday season. You could make that a family tradition. I think it would keep his father's memory alive as well as be a source of comfort for all of you at the holiday time.

i am sorry for the loss your family has experienced. my husbands mom died a few years ago. his uncle made up a really nice video dvd of all of the home videos. put it to appropriate music depending on what was going on in the video "we are family" and so on. we watch it when we get together every year for christmas we usually pop that in and remember good times with her. some of it is sad, but mostly it helps us all remember her and consider her still as part of us. we also have all of our family pictures on cds/dvds that we can pop in and watch as a slide show. i look forward to watching it. we tell stories and laugh and it is normally a happy time to share with one another. although it has been a few years so maybe it is easier since more time has passed. i wouldnt want you to do something like that and have everyone sitting around crying and feeling sad, so just use your best judgment. take care.

First T., I am sorry to hear about your loss. It is never easy when a boy losses his Dad. My husband lost his father to West Nile Virus very suddenly also. There are a couple very positive things that you can do. First is for him to write a journal of things that he remembers from his childhood, his feelings, stories, family traditions anything he wants to put in it. It is his personally and no one needs to read it unless he invites him. I know one friend of mine's husband is writing things he remembers so that he can read them to his daughters when they are old enough to remember them. Then new tradition they are working on is that at the beginning of each holiday event, a childhood story is read out. I would also suggest that if you are a religious family that you make some appointments with your pastor and let them work together to find an inner peace. Your husband is not through the greeving process yet and it sounds like maybe some outside help would help. You know him better than anyone here does. There are support groups for adult children that lost a parent, the church is a good source, a journal, maybe even working for the cancer society volunteering will help him work thru his grief. I hope something here helps you...God Bless you both.

Hi T.,

Check with the American Cancer Society to see where they
have their grief support groups.

He has to find ways to come to terms with his father's death.

You need to focus on yourself and the girls. Set aside time for him when you all can talk each day.

Good luck. We all are grieving with him too.
D.

Hi T., You have many wonderful responses. When my husband lost his father he also lost his best friend. It was hard for me also. The best advice I can give you is just love him. I just let him grieve. Nothing I could say made things better. He just needed to go through the process. Wow, I find myself crying as I'm writing this. I really understand what you are going through. It is so hard to see our strong husbands in such pain. One thing I think would have made a difference would have been if we had celebrated the holidays like we always did in the past. Stick with traditions. My MIL and SIL's changed the whole dynamics of the holidays and it really hurt my husband. Till this day, he wishes we would have followed all the traditions his dad loved. It would have helped him get through the days better. His Dad died 3 wks befor Thanksgiving. Our kids also helped. He focused on them the best he could. After that 1st Christmas, we always made sure we celebrated all the traditions his Dad had. It makes my husband feel he is honoring his Dad. Plus, we do this for our kids. They were 6mths and 2 when he died. This helps them to know their Grandpa and make him a part of their lives, forever.

Honestly, there is no exact way to help your husband. Just love him, be there for him, and let him grieve how ever he needs to. I wish you and your family a blessed holiday season. My thoughts and prayers to you as you help your husband through his loss.

Dear T.,
This is a "guy" thing and this is "Daddy's Little Girl" writing. Family is important...are there any guys in the family that your husband and father-in-law did things together? Make it a family day with your girls, too.
I think I would grab every single picture of your husband and your father-in-law and make photo albums with it....however, this would involve your girls' artwork. If he is involved, let your husband tell stories to your girls about what is taking place in the pictures. If he does not want to be there...then make the albums and give them as a gift at Christmas.
Write poetry to go in the album about the things they did together. He needs to be supported and to know that his family is there for him whenever, just like in "It's a Wonderful Life" movie.
This is the time to establish new traditions, incorporating the old with the new....be imaginative. Christmas might be celebrating on a cruise, up in the Dells in Wisconsin, beautiful...or New Hampshire, skiing. Plan ahead. If watching finances, look into the girls doing a play about your husband and his Dad and the funny things they did. I am sure the girls would like to dress up and make some fun.
Make homemade Christmas decorations about your husband and his Dad.
Mix: 2 c. Baking Soda
1 c. Cornstarch
1-1/4 c cold water
Boil until it meets the consistency of mashed potatoes - stirring constantly with spoon. Put on plate, ocer with damp cloth and cool. Knead it lightly. Roll it out on wax papeer and shape. Stick a paperclip in the dough where you want to hang it. Let dry (Bake 200 F degrees, 8-10 minutes. You can use acrylic paints, glue pictures and make funny shapes.
Or, take your family to memorable places where your husband and his Dad had good times...start a new tradition of good times there with your girls....let this be an evolving of his sharing good times in a new way.
I was Daddy's little girl and I was just there. Let your husband see the richness of the blessings that he has around him.
God Bless,
E.

I don't know if this will help - but my husband of 11 yrs - who was my high school sweetheart - passed away on Sept. 16th. We have 2 wonderful children - our daughter is 10 and our son 10 months. He passed unexpectantly from a cancer reoccurance. That said - we recently found Gilda's Club. They are wonderful. They have help for anyone who has experienced a loss due to cancer. If you would like my info please send me an email. The holiday's will be hard but no harder than everyday life. We have started to make a memory box - one that my daughter can kept and one form my son who will never have the joy of knowing is dad. But I am confident that with pictures and stories and phrases we can kept him alive forever. You might want to do something similar that you can pass down or share with your kids - so they have a special keptsake of their grandfather.
hope it helps. Much love and many blessings.

He needs to mourn and cry so when ever he is reminded of his dad he will get very emotional but that will help in the long run.
I was just thinking this morning that my mom will not be with me to celebrate my 5oth B-day at the end of the year and I started crying and getting very emotional and it will be 2 years since she is gone.In fact my son was being Bar-mitzvahed just 3 months after she died. It was such a difficult time for me ,trying to be happy on the occasion.
Certain times of the year will never be easy but the memory of a person is so important and he needs to tell his kids stories of his dad so that his memory lives on.

You should keep your celebrations simple this year.And just be there to listen to him when he feels sad.

L.

We lost my stepfather to cancer about 10 days before Christmas about 4 years ago...If it hadn't been for my son (then almost 3) we would have skipped the holiday entirely. It was the worst thing ever trying to get through Christmas morning with us and my mom, all in extreme grife--yet we tried to keep things "normal" for my son.
It will be VERY hard for your husband this year. I would keep the celebrations simple, don't over-plan or over schedule too many activities. Do the stuff that's really iportant to your family. And talk about his dad a LOT. Keep his memory alive through the holiday. Maybe place a special ornament on the tree as a focal remembrance. Grief counseling may be helpful to your husband.
It's GOOD that your husband is going through the grieving process. Evidence of this is his open grief and sorrow and tears.
You can't really "DO" anything to help him except to be there, listen IF he wants to talk, don't intrude on his personal grieving too much, and above all, help keep the memory of his dad alive. Maybe you could surprise him this Christmas by making a special video or photo album about his dad? You can't ignore grief-it's the proverbial 800 lb. gorilla in the corner. Better to acknowledge it and accept that it's going to be that way for awhile.
The worst advice for dealing with grief is "keep busy and keep your mind off of things"! You need to FEEL the emotions by looking at old photos, listening to meaningful music and experience the grief in your gut. Then he will move along through the stages of grief. It cannot be rushed. It won't be over by (even close to) Christmas. But there is never a good time for death and loss. All of the holidays of this "first year" will be tough. But I've been told that the following years can be worse (especially for your MIL) are even wporse since a sense of finality kicks in then. My sympathy you and your family. God Bless.

I'm so sorry for your family's loss. My dad lost his father to lung cancer at a young age as well. I don't have any advice, but wanted to offer a gift suggestion for your husband... a video collage of pictures of your husband and his father, or your kids with their grandfather, or just him throughout the years would make a great, lasting memory and keepsake. I wish you all peace and comfort during this difficult time.

Wow! I am so, so sorry for your family's loss, especially for your husband's loss of his dad. I am assuming his sadness is due to losing someone so close, and not sadness over a relationship that never was. Both types of grief are real and overpowering. You are already giving him what he needs, time to grieve in his own way. Everyone experiences grief differently and for different periods of time. The best you can do is support his feelings and allow him to feel them. How awesome that he is able to feel and show his feelings. What a lovely expression of love and caring for your daughters to see. The holidays, I'm sure, will be extremely difficult as will all the milestones of the first year of loss. The pain of losing someone we love never leaves us, but we all learn, in our own way, to live with the memory and honor the memory of our loved one. There will be many more tears and much sadness throughout the holidays, but there will also be love, great sharing of memories and a family who cherish what's truly important this holiday season. The memories your daughter's will have of this caring, loving dad and supportive, loving mom will last their lifetimes and be a living tribute to your husband's dad and to the both of you. There will be laughter again; it just may come through tears of love.