Lost a Child - How Do You Explain It to Children

I work for a publishing company in town. A few years ago I worked on a book that I think would help a lot of kids. it was written by a little boy (and his mom) who lost his little sister. It's called "This Book Is for All Kids, but Especially My Sister Libby. Libby Died." by Jack Simon, Andrews McMeel Publishing, 2002. ISBN 0-7407-2952-7.

I can certainly relate. I lost 3 of my 4 pregnancies, 2 of them before my son was 5. One thing I did was to give each of them a name and we remember them when we pray. These are the 'siblings' that we can pray with. You might want to explain that we 'visit' heaven when we pray. But explanations aren't enough. It's a bit of an art to guide a child so that they can relate to it experientially.

When my son was 3, he came to me while I was washing dishes, tugged on my shirt, looked up at me with a look of serious curiosity, and asked, "Mommy, is heaven real or pretend?" Talk about getting hit out of left field! I first told him that this was a very good question, while I assessed how we might approach it. Something in me declined the option of giving him a straight answer and decided to help him explore his own ability to answer the question.

I told him that, according to my understanding, we have two ways of 'seeing' things. We have the eyes that can see what is right in front of us and outside of us. But, we also have an inner eye that can see other things. It sees the things we remember. It sees our dreams for us at night. It also sees the things we imagine when we are pretending. Then we stopped to close our eyes and remember something we saw the day before, to think of something we saw in a dream, and to 'see' something in our minds that we could only imagine. Then I told him that he also has an inner ear, etc.

Once he was truly in touch with and recognized that he had these faculties of perception, I explained that the eyes and ears we have inside can perceive some things that are real and some things that are pretend. Then I explained that these are the ears and the eyes that we take with us, even when our bodies are asleep and even after our bodies die. These are the eyes and ears that will explore all the wonderful things in heaven.

He seemed very satisfied with this and has never doubted the reality of heaven. Even when he questioned God and religion, he never doubted his eternal nature and the reality that he would know his brothers and his sister when he 'sees' them. He will soon be 22. I am constantly astonished at his deep faith.

I have always been so grateful for the great spiritual teachers I had. I can't imagine how I would have answered his question had they not taught me about practical meditation and spiritual faculties. I am also grateful for the opportunity to pass this along. Thank you for asking the question!!!!

Something important to remember, however, is that my son came to me with the question. If you want to begin a discussion like this, you might start by posing the question yourself so as to pique interest in the subject.

First I would like to say how sorry I am you lost one of your children... I too have lost a child and know the pain we endure daily... As for children... My kids were older when our daughter passed away shortly after birth, and they too never got to see their sister... I dont think there is an easy way to tell them... My youngest was 7 at the time and too this day (2 years later) gets upset sometimes... The point is to just be there for them, and try to explain that Heaven is a place they can visit someday when it is their turn for God to need them too... i kind of put it that way for James... We remember our little girl in many ways... She is burried and we visit her often and bring her little gifts... We also have a memory garden for her, and plant something pretty every spring... It is the little things that can mean so much... You sound like you have your hands pretty full now... As do I... Keeping our angels in our lives can feel hard sometimes... But as long as you talk about them they are never really far away :)

I just recently had to do this with my children. I lost a baby in October. It was tough! I'm so sorry for your loss. I have used the book, "The Next Place" with my children. You might try it. My oldest took it the hardest and wanted to know what I had done to make the baby die. He was 7 at the time and he actually "got it." I also have a 5 year old and he didn't really get it as much. I mean he realized that the baby we were supposed to have wasn't going to come anymore, but since the baby never was concrete for him, it just didn't really impact him. So, I guess for my kids, the time for really understanding what happened fell between 5 and 7 years old. As far as a way to help them remember their brother...I don't want to get too personal, but if you named the child you lost, you could get an ornament for the tree at Christmas with the name on it. You could also get some sort of wall hanging (a poem, picture, etc.), maybe even have them help you pick it out and dedicate it to the brother they lost. That way whenever they want to remember him, they can look at the picture/have you read them the poem, etc. Or, you can also buy jewelry that represents your children. There are usually little angels to represent a child who has passed away. You could get a necklace with an angel on it and explain to them that it is to help the family remember. Just some ideas. Good luck.

Very hard situation, but being upfront and not complicating it too much at an early age is the best. We had a still born daughter(full term)had other children and subsequently had another child. We have always gone to the cemetary and visited the grave and remembered her with masses. It is very amazing how much the little ones understand and absorb without us really saying anything. Under 5 is alittle difficult, but just keep it simple.

That is a hard question. My daughters were 3 and 4 when my mom died and the younger one thought Grandma would come back once she was better. We kept talking about how in heaven she would not be sick any more, so she thought it was like a hospital. I explained that Grandma would not be coming back but that someday we would join her in heaven. That seemed to comfort her at the time.
We did have a book from our church - something like When Grandma Went to Heaven. It helped also. Just talking openly about the death helps them realize it is a normal part of life.
As to remembering their brother - why not pick a special day (maybe the anniversary of his death as I assume that is a different date than the birth of his twin) and make that his day. Talk about what he might be like if he lived and what he might be enjoying in heaven. You might encourage the children as they get older to write notes to their brother and tie them to a balloon that you release.
My dad died the day before his 92nd birthday and one of the nurse aides had given him a balloon before she left work shortly before he passed. We released that balloon after the funeral so it could travel to heaven for him. My girls were much older then (13 and 14) but I think it still helped them to say goodbye.

I actually lost a child who was almost 2 years old a little over a year ago. I had to explain it to my son, who at the time was just turning 4. My daughter had been in the hospital for burns for 3 weeks, so my son already knew she had bad "owies" I explained to him at that time that the doctors did not know how to fix her owies so Jesus came to make them all better. I went on to tell him that Jesus to Olivia to live with Him in heaven. I told my son that when it is our turn that Jesus will come take us to heaven to live with Him and we will get to see Olivia again. As the year went on, I did start using the term die/death in the explanation. This has seemed to work for him. When he has asked about seeing Olivia, I just remind him that it isn't our turn to go to heaven yet. We just have to wait till it is our turn. Of course, this explanation may not work for you depending on your beliefs, I just wanted to share what helped me.

I haven't looked at other responses, so I hope this isn't a repeat. I would use a glove and your hand and explain that the glove is like your body and the hand is like your spirit. When/before you're born the spirit and body join together and stay together until you die. At that point your spirit (your hand) separates from your body again (your glove) and the body is the only thing left on earth. Until of course they are reunited when ressurection happens during the Second Coming. (Assuming Christian beliefs, sorry if you're not)

I lost a baby stillborn at 8 1/2 months along. My son was 2 1/2 at the time as well. I didn't let him go to the funeral but I took him out there afterwards. I showed him pictures of the baby and explained he was in heaven. I also told him heaven was a special place that you can only go to when god wants us to come. While I am sure he didn't understand all this as he grew older I think it helped. We also took visits out to the cemetary a lot and I referred to it as "Justin" not the cemetary I always let him take things out to his baby brother that he picked out. One time when he was in kindergarten that teacher asked to speak with me. She said that he had said something about his baby brother flew down and took his balloon back to heaven with him. I realized he was talking about the balloon we took out for Justin's birthday and was gone the next day probable from the wind. To sum it all up the best you can do is be honest they won't understand it all. As well just answer what they ask.

I have lost a baby while still pregnant. At the time I had a 6 year old and a 7 year old. My youngest asked me if she would ever be a big sister? That question alone almost broke my heart. After a lot of crying and feeling totally empty I went down to a Catholic bookstore in town and found this really good children's book that breaks it down for a childs understanding.However,for the life of me I can't remember the name of the book, but I would think that if you talked to the clerk at the bookstore about helping your son understand the loss of the baby they may be able to direct you to the book. It is a smaller book with the thick childrens book pages and has lots of primary colors and pictures. I hope this helps. Good luck and I hope he soon understands. J. D

A child is not developmentally capable of grasping death until the age of seven. That your son is asking questions now will better help him when he approaches seven; it will also afford opportunity for him to develop into a more compassionate individual regarding loss than if his life circumstance did not present the opening.

He cannot see his brother, and there are no pictures or stories to tell, but he can't see the wind, either, nor can he feel it when he's indoors. Still, he knows it exists. At the very least, his brother lives in your heart. Approach him about his dreams; brothers often come to play, there.

Kansas City has "Solace House, a Place for Grieving Children and Their Families." If there is an equivalent in Bolivar, you might find books to read to your kiddos. Otherwise, call SH and ask for recommendations, or contact the library.

Although I am not of her faith, it was a Jewish psychologist who helped me through my grief work. She introduced me to a lovely tradition: Yahrzeit candles. (Google it. They're available in the kosher section of the grocery store.)

One last note: remember to tell your living children that, although you wish you hadn't lost their brother, you're so very, very glad they are here with you. Tell them often.

My dh & I had a baby girl 4-2-2004. She died from complications of amniotic band syndrome (her lungs did not form correctly if at all). She lived for 1 hr. & 16 min. w/o ever taking a breath. Our son was able to see & hold her while she was alive (though she didn't open her eyes or move) & after she died.
We expained it honestly to our then 2 1/2 yr. old son. His sister is in heaven & one day we will get to be with her & our heavenly father. He is now 6 & excited about heaven & seeing his sister again. It is just hard for him to have to wait.
We have lots of photos & I even made a preemie doll of her, so all of us can remember what she looked & felt like.
(www.remembermepreemie.com)

My brother & sister-in-law lost a full-term baby last year. My boys were 5 & 2 at the time. I got the book What's Heaven? by Maria Shriver. It was perfect for them & they still like reading it. We talk about baby Michael & I have a picture of him. I use the explaination of heaven from the book...a place in the sky we cannot see, etc.

The butterfly has been symbolic for us in remembering Michael, so when butterflies visit our yard in the summer, the boys know God sent them to remind us of Michael & that he's okay.

I think we need to almost learn more about something to be able to teach it. Although we may get it, it is hard to explain it to someone else. There's a website that is excellent for teaching this concept. It's www.mormon.org. It talks about the purpose of life, where we're going and where we came from. Hope this helps.

There is no easy way to explain death but here is something that might work, now that we are entering spring. Plant two identical plants but don't actually put one into the soil just real close to the real potted one and then watch it with your children hopefully one will flourish and the other will not. Then to remember, you can plant in the yard a tree, shrub or something that will come back every year and name it after the flower God picked a little early, or make garden stones for all your children and let them all make one for their brother they never met, make a collage with a premie outfit and other baby things maybe an ultrasound picture of the two babies together. These are just things that I pray will heal you and help them understand...I hope for you comfort today. As far as explaining heaven I think we adults have questions on that subject as well, but you can show them the skyline and tell them that somewhere above that is where the Angels are and he is certainly and angel watching over them and that Heaven is where God lives, and God lives in the heart of each and every child, and their brother is in their heart with them every day and if they listen real close, they may hear an extra heartbeat.......:)

the way I explain my child in utero (22 wks) to my 4.5 yr old is a baby in a uterus needs air and food to grow and the little cord that was supposed to give that got loose from the edge of uterus. but we have a bunch of scientifically bent folks in our family so that works for her. she has medical books for kids, likes to look at picture of uterus with baby inside etc.

using your instinct with your child to me sounds great.
things i have read that should NOT be said is "went to sleep" as can scare daylights out of child falling asleept. stopped breathing and goes cold is dead, and best way to describe espec to 4 yr old

we also have pictures of our baby that died so if children ever ask can pull these out. they aren't fabuous but at least at 22 wks in.utero close enough to a newborn that the concept of a sister works.
hope that helps
sorry for your loss. :-(

This is a very hard subject to approach for any age child to understand and it means you will relive the whole experience again as well. The book stores and libraries have some wonderful books on this subject, it helps for explaining what happened and where the brother is now. Ask for books about adults explaining grief to children and maybe all of you should see a professional counselor for this situation.