Lost of a Child &Gain of a Baby Sister

Hi, I had a miscarriage too. It's terrible! I understand. Every baby I saw made me sad and jealous. It took a long time, to feel better. But you will, don't feel bad about any of you feelings, heal- mentally and physically. Take care, I understand.

Ok this is going to be hard for me to talk about i just got done asking for help myslef but felt a need to write to you. I just burried my second baby on Febuary 20th. I had to let my third and forth child go to heaven after they were born. It is ok to feel upset even angry, and you should let your dad know, losing a child either after birth or during pregnency is a very hard thing and those that care about you should know, and for it being your dad always remember the pain you are feeling and never feel angry with others for having one, trust me it will leave you cold a bitter, for after i buried my frist child i wouldnt even go around anyone with a baby and i lost two good friends for that, we all got pregnent around the same time but i had to let mine go and could not go around them anymore. I never was able to get close to them again after that. Now here it is 5 years later and i am pregnent again and scared and for a diffrent reason my child passed away after she was born, i will not be angry with others for their good news, for i will pray that they never have to feel the pain inside that i do and if i can help them through it i will, i know the emptyness inside and i dont want anyone to ever have to feel that. I will tell you, you are young try again and be happy for your dad even if you are not that clsoe to him, i have burried two and the thought of tring again scares me for i seen their faces both times and held them for a short time before i had to let them go, and i may try again just as soon as the doctor tells me i can. Its not easy to smile for someone else when you are hurting but if you can find away to be happy for them i promise you, you will feel better inside and be a much better person for it. I pray for you and i hope all goes well and i hope you find the strength to move go on with out the bitterness for your dad, tell him and let him know how you fell and ask him to help you through it, even if you are not close to him that may be the one thing that will help you through this time.....Good Luck and let me know how things turn out.......Jenn

It is TOTALLY OK to feel the way you do! I think it's called "being human."

Don't force yourself to be happy for them just yet and let your dad know you miscarried as soon as you can so he can be understanding of feelings.

Your feelings will run their natural course, if you can get some spiritual counseling that might help. Or you can message me and I can give you some suggestions on where you can go.

((hugs))

So sorry for your loss. Your letter is so heartfelt. It's normal not to want to be happy for the word around you right now. This was not your fault. Bad things just happen sometimes to good people. Very sad. Just know that you need to talk to someone to be able to sort out your feelings. I'm sure your dad will be grieving for you too because you are HIS baby. It's okay to give yourself time to sort this out before you talk to him. But, please do talk to a dr. and see if there is anyone that they can recommend who will listen to you and give you guidance and help you get through this grieving process. Do your best to immerse yourself into the full life that you have so this doesn't tear you up. It sounds like you are very busy. Time will heal. Reaching out to your "mamasource-friends" and others has hopefully started the healing process for you.

You are in my prayers.

It's going to be hard but I'd go ahead and send them a quick note saying that you are glad for them but the very day you found out was the day you yourself miscarried and that you need to take time to heal before you can join them in their happiness. Doing this will give you the time you need to take care of yourself and the lose you've had and not have them pestering you or thinking ill of you.

Then just focus on yourself, leave their lives out of it. Get some counseuling, get really healthy, then when you're in a place where you're happy try again. It's alright you can do it. Stress is a factor so do what you need to do be happy.

The very best of luck.

Dear G.,
I am so so sorry for your loss. This is so personal and such a heartfelt loss, only YOU know how YOU need to react to it. NO JUDGEMENT ALLOWED!

Would you react differently if the loss didn't happen? I'm sure you would. So have that "self" forgive and support the grieving "self". Give her time and nuturance, understanding, pampering and the ability to be selfish, for now. Then when you are feeling like you old self, deal with your father's new child.

I think it is important to let him know (whether it is you or someone else) so that they can also be supportive and let you have this time.

P.S. My SIL was experiencing complications with her pregnancy and had to be rushed to the ER (her first pregnancy). This was 2-3 days after I brought my baby home. My reaction was to put the news of my baby aside (the emotions, homecoming, etc) and focus on her and whatever support she needed. I loved my baby, but he was home and would be there when she was ready. She was is a crisis and needed all the support she could get. I hope this helps.

My thoughts are with you.

I wasn't in the exact same situation, but about a year ago I was in a similar situation. I had found out I was pregnant at the end of April after my third round (month) of fertility drugs and IUI. I had a cousin who was due in May with her first child. She was very difficult for me to be around during her pregnancy because she had gotten pregnant on accident, wasn't happy about being pregnant or about impending motherhood, and would have opted to abort if her husband hadn't wanted the baby. I was very angry that someone was blessed with a miracle I was trying so hard for and she was so unappreciative of it. Well, when I finally got pregnant it made her a lot easier to be around (okay, tolerate). Unfortunately for me, it was a pregnancy that wasn't meant to be. There were issues from the beginning and the doctors warned that it would probably end in miscarriage. Well, the day she went into labor I was told that they wanted to give me a drug to terminate the pregnancy because they were scared it might be ectopic (they couldn't find anything in my uterus). Even though I opted not to take the drug and something did finally show a few days later, the pregnancy did end in miscarriage. It was very hard for me to be around others who were celebrating the new baby. No one knew about the miscarriage since we didn't tell anyone about the positive pregnancy test. I couldn't make myself go to her baby shower, or even the party to welcome the baby home from the hospital. Eventually I worked my way through my feelings. It took a long time and I had to almost force myself to go see the baby. I was sad to hold him knowing what I had lost, but he had an almost healing effect on me. I never wished anything but the best for him and my cousin, but I had a lot of anger toward her for not recognizing the miracle she was given and embracing it. I guess all I can tell you is that it will take time. For me, I had to consciously decide that I didn't want to burn bridges with my cousin, or miss out on spoiling the new baby. I wish you luck in your healing. Don't be hard on yourself. You will eventually start to heal.

G.- I am so sorry for your loss. I will pray for you. Of course your not happy with the new baby sister right now. Give youself a break and let yourself grieve. When you are ready your heart will open up. Many churches have a special mass for a loss of our children. Good Luck and God Bless!

So sorry for your loss.

My first pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage. It was awful, and I will always remember the day it happened vividly in my mind. After it happened, I learned that 1 in 4 pregnancies result in miscarriage. I had no idea it was so common. It's not something we talk about as a society. It's no one's fault, there is nothing you can do to prevent it. Miscarriages are nature's way of ensuring health and survival. In many ways, miscarriages are little blessings.

So sorry for your loss! My first pregnancy was ectopic and ruptured. At the time my best friend was about five months along with her first. I had a real hard time seeing her at first, but she understood and it soon became theraputic to feel the baby kick, and hold him after he was born. She made sure we had time just me and her baby and it helped more than it hurt. What you are feeling is totally natural. My husband and I are still trying but try not to worry because it will happen in it's own time. Your time will come! Good Luck and God Bless!

To start I have three children 6, 4, and 9 months. I had two miscarriage between child 2 and 3. The second miscarriage was a set of twins. So I'm not totally clueless about what you are feeling.

It is natural for many of us to be jealous of others when they have something we wish we had. It is natural, but it isn't right. We have to learn to except things we can't change and beat down that big grean monster that torments us.

1.) You have one beautiful, healthy child now. Concentrate on that one. It helps to fill the void.

2.) Being jealous of others really hurts us the most. You are dwelling on serious negativity.

3.) If you have faith in God, then you need to get into your Bible and read what it says about coveting, jealousy, and love. It will help you a tremendous amount.

It just isn't the time for a new one. For whatever reason I'm sure it will all work out for the best in the end.

PS After my second loss my doctor ordered a battery of tests that included some genetic testing. I have a mutation called PAI 1. It causes blood clots in my uterus when I'm pregnant. I guess it doesn't manifest itself all the time since I had two normal pregnancies. But I had to inject a blood thinner with this last child to term and he's great.

You've gotten some really good advice and I'm just going to give you a little something to live by. When I had my miscarriage what really carried me through was something the doctor said. A miscarriage is God's way of correcting something that wasn't quite right. It's a good thing. There was somthing wrong with that baby and it wouldn't have survived or had some issue when it arrived in this world. Keep that with you and take whatever time you need to heal.

Be honest with your dad and let him know what happened and that you really are having trouble being happy for him right now, but that you'll come around when you feel you can be genuinely positive. Only you and your husband will know when that time comes (for each of you probably at different times).

Don't forget about your earlier gift in your son, too. He may also wonder why you are sad. Find a way to express what happened in a way he may understand. He's a huge part of your little family and should be included.

Good luck to you all.

Saying a prayer right now for you, G.!

And to add to Shannon's post, maybe even if you don't believe in God, you could read what the Bible has to say about those things. It can't hurt and there are good words to hear!!

G.,
I am so sorry for your loss. It is perfectly natural to feel this way. Take your time to grieve. Your dad and his wife should give you the time you need (as well as everyone else for that matter).

Talk about your feelings. Find a therapist if you need to.

Take time to yourself...pamper yourself. Do fun things. Allow yourself to cry, scream, or whatever makes you feel better. Its ok to be angry.

In time, you will embrace your new baby sister - don't force it.
B.

Actually, what you are feeling is (i believe) normal. Losing a child is VERY difficult. I would just take some time and mourn the loss of your child first. Without doing that, it's going to be hard to be happy in ANY situation, let alone to try to be happy for someone else. I think they will understand once they know what is going on with you how hard it is. But without them knowing, you're going to feel like they are 'rubbing it in', so to say, even if it isn't intentional.
Good luck, and I'm deeply sorry for your loss.

Please do not beat yourself up over the miscarriage! It is NOT anything you did or anything that necessarily could have been prevented. Most women go through miscarriage at one point or another. I had two myself. One was confirmed and the other was just a late period that I think till this day was also a miscarriage. It is ok to feel bad and jealous and angry now. Just channeling that energy into positive will be important with time's passing. Let me tell you too, just because you have miscarried does NOT mean you will not go on to have a sweet healthy baby. Most women who miscarry also move on to carry full term healthy children. By the way, I believe (check to verify) 1/4 pregnancies are terminated. So its pretty normal.
As for the grief and dealing with your dad's gain...I know its hard to talk about it now but it is really important to find someone to discuss this with. My best suggestion is a perinatal grief therapist and if you need one let me know. I know someone phenominal. Just know you are not alone. Hang in there and stay strong. Life will get easier with time and you WILL see brighter days. Stay well. And if you need someone to talk to you can always email me a line!
N.

G.,

I am very sorry for your loss. Your feelings are totally normal and okay. Everyone grieves differently and it will take some time for you to heal. Definitely let your father know the situation. He can be supportive of you and still be happy to expect a new child at the same time. Don't force yourself, it will come in time. Also, don't beat yourself up that you did something wrong to cause the miscarriage. I only say that because you mention you took vitamins and really tried to do everything right. Miscarriages happen, you didn't do something wrong to cause it. Best of Luck and hugs!