Lot of You Have Good Cmy 13 Yr Old Daughter Had Sex with Her 16 Yr Old Boyfriend

She is apparently learning from her promiscuous mother! I know that is beside the point, but she is not doing her daughter any favors by jumping from one guy to the next.

Anyway...she needs to get to a doctor and get an exam and get on birth control. Please talk to her about respecting herself and her body and that she doesn't need to run into the arms of a boy to feel loved. She is going through a lot right now, she needs a ton of support!!!

First off, don't call the police. I don't know that they can do anything since they are both minors, but this is NOT something that that boy should be labeled a sex offender for and if you call police and he is arrested, charged and convicted, this poor kid will be labeled a sex offender forever. It's not like he raped her. It was apparently consenual and he does NOT deserve to be labeled with something as serious as a sex offender for having consenual sex when he's 16 years old!

Next, your SD is probably having sex because she doesn't have a stable male influence in her life. You've been there for 7 years, but now you're for the most part gone. All females need that STABLE male attention or they go looking for it much like your SD has. Truly, this may not have been her first sexual experience and more than likely won't be her last.

It's good that she's going to counseling - maybe that will help with the promiscuity - maybe not.

How did you find out? You don't give any information about that. Are you absolutely sure or are you just assuming because of some circumstantial evidence?

All you can really do is talk to her and perhaps make sure that if she is going to have sex, that she has safe sex. There is nothing you can do to stop her from having sex if she really wants to short of locking her up.

The bell can 't be unrung, so shaming, screaming, etc will only make her turn away more. When I found this out about my daughter, I told her that I was extremely disappointed in her choices, but that I love her and am more concerned about her physical and emotional health. Get that girl on birth control, have a very serious talk about STD's and choices, and my suggestion is that at 13, any boy more than a year older is TOO OLD. my personal reaction would be to do everything in my power to discourage this boyfriend, and after he is out of the picture, I would FORBID any boy more than a year older until she is out of high school. You are a male, and it should be easy to explain to her how very little sex means to a teenaged boy. Or rather, how very much the ACT means, but that the emotional involvement for a boy is zero to none.....

She needs a strong male role model in her life right now so she can make good choices regarding boys. I lost my virginity at 13 and the guy was not my boyfriend. My parents had gotten a divorce when I was 12 then moved us 3 states away and I was looking for that male bond. My mom never knew until one day at a restaurant I blurted out that I was not a virgin.

I think it's great that you are part of her life and that you guys plan to talk with her. I wish I had that.

First, my own daughter is 2 so the only experience I have with this is from when i was a teenager.

I think you should start by having your daughter talk about it first - why did she make such an important decision? Is she happy about it? Did she feel ready? Does she know about contraception? STDs? My guess is that, at 13, she is NOT totally pleased with herself or her decision and will be more likely to admit it if you talk empathetically with her than if you go in guns blazing.

From there, I would share YOUR point of view - all the reasons why its not a great idea for teens to be having sex - from pregnancy and STD risk, to the need to learn how to deal with emotional relationships first, before introducing a physical relationships, and, finally, to the fact that teenagers dont need to be in serious, long term relationships to begin with - that they should focus on schools and friends, and activities. Spending all your time wrapped up in your boyfriends takes away from all of those other important experiences.

Yelling and crying will not make her stop having sex, but it will make her stop talking about it, and other important issues, with you.

You can let her know that you think its a very very poor and damaging choice for her, without making her feel terrible and like you hate her.

Tell her you love her and she is wonderful and beautiful and that you want her to enjoy her teen years without the problems brought on by sexual relationships.

tmi - but i had sex for the 1st time when i was 14. it's not that uncommon. your ex needs to take her to the obgyn and get an exam, and get her on birth control pills asap. and talk to her about condoms, stds, etc if neither of you have done it already. the deed is done ... now is time for her to be an adult .. do to the dr, have some really uncomfortable discussions with her parents....

She's so young, she doesn't even understand the importance of what she did, she may not do it again for a while, who knows. Fact is, she was almost surely looking for love, companionship, acceptance and support...she just did it in the wrong way/place/time. It looks like her mother is somehow (how do I put this) a "butterfly" (I may be seriously wrong here). If that's the case, the girl has a bad example in the family. She had sex while her family (yet again) was falling apart, that speaks tons about how lost,confused, scared and probably misanderstood, she feels. Having sex is not the real problem, it's rather the symptom of a deeper issue you and her mother need to address asap. She's probably just looking for love and security in an ever-changing family environment. I hope you can guide her and support her through this very hard time. Good luck.

Well the horse is already out of the barn so no going back. Going forward make sure she knows how to protect herself.

Welcome to Mamapedia. Quite the jaw dropping first question!

You certainly seem intent on blaming your soon to be ex. For example, why tell us she's moved on?

You also mention you've been in the kids life for 6 years. But in your SWH it's 7.

I understand divorce is difficult. I'm sorry you're going through this. But I don't think you get a vote here. The mom asked for your help, but you don't specify that she asked for your help "with this". Perhaps you should talk to her first.

And since you're pretty quick to blame your soon to be ex - where exactly were you when this was happening. You say you want to be her "daddy forever". That means parenting even through the rough times in our personal lives, like divorce.

My heart is breaking for you and your little stepdaughter. She is in need of help-and a safe place to be a little girl-away from him-and boys like him. Is this possible? I would contact his parents-and I would destroy all opportunity for it to happen again. Good luck to all of you.

Well first of all I think its great that you care that much and that you have gotten her into counciling!!! Not many "real fathers" will do that. I don't think you can file changes agains the boyfriend even if he's been active before. He is only 16 if he was 18 that would be different. You said the last thing she would want to do is hang out with you but she did agree to counciling so you might be suprised. Having a strong male roll modle in your life as a girl at that age is important. YOu can not blamb everything on your soon to be ex. yes she's moved on but you said she's started acting out three months ago. Stuff like this does not happen over night. Try and see if you can spend time with her. she need that!

Good luck and God Bless!!!

I just wanted to say how lucky she is to have you as a male figure in her life. You seem like a great guy and that you care so much. And even if she doesn't realize it right now (she may) she will someday realize how lucky she is to have you. I agree with what everyone else said about making sure she understands the severity of her actions and how this can lead to getting pregnant, disease, etc. At that age, those things don't seem like real possibilities. All the best.. with you on her side, she'll be fine and this will all work out.

I haven't read everybody else's responses yet. But I'm going to be a little harsh.
I believe your step daughters actions are a direct result of this divorce. You've left, Mom is acting different (per your update). Her life is totally out of control. So she's latching on to some old' boy & giving him what he wants.
Parents think they'll just divorce & the kids will be fine. Sooo not true. My parents divorced when I was 7..I'm 37 now & STILL have issues from that!!!! It's a horrible thing to go through as a child.
Please take her to counseling. Please stay in her life so she doesn't continue making these mistakes w/boys & end up pregnant at 15 yrs old.
Just b/c you're out of the house, doesn't mean you can stop being her (step) Daddy.
Stay on top of this situation, unless you're prepared to be a Grandfather!!

You are a good guy for staying in her life. She is going to need a solid father-figure now more than ever. Can you and your ex-wife agree to get her to a gyn asap for an exam and on go on birth control? She is alarmingly young, but you have to face the fact that she is sexually active and she needs to protect herself. See if her pediatrician can refer to a trusted female gyn that will spend a generous amount of time giving her straight talk, facts, and statistics about STDs. After that is done, both you and your ex need to have a serious conversation with her about respecting herself and that just because you have protection, just because you CAN, does not mean you SHOULD. No birth control is 100% effective, except abstinence. I'm stunned she would be allowed to not only date at 13, but to date a 16 year old. I know you don't have control over those decisions if your ex is going to allow her to do this or to not or to make sure she is properly supervised. So I would take her out, just the two of you and talk to her for REAL about how 16 year old boys think, how they will SAY they love you to get you to have sex. She is 3 years younger. Why is this 16 year old hanging around her? He is taking advantage. He's KNOWS the words she wants to hear, and 13 year olds are a lot easier to sweet talk than 16 year olds. Would he be so interested in her if he could no longer have sex with her? Just tell her how special and wonderful she is and she needs to think really hard about making decisions at 13 that may alter her life forever. Make sure you have regular scheduled father/daughter time too. I hope it goes well tonight.

Unless you are going for visitation and/or joint custody of your step children and intend to remain an active parent in their lives, I would just report the incident to CPS and move on. Seems like your step child is simply following in her mother's footsteps. Thanks for being a good dad, if you are not going to be entitled to stay in their lives, I'll bet they will miss you dearly.

What Leslie said. And I would make sure she has at least had an appointment with an ob/gyn and has birth control, understands the morning after pill and understands which forms of bc also prevent STDs.

Cool, calm discussion time. Explain - how no one approves of this act that she is too young- explain how all teenage boys are after one thing, explain the serious consequences of disease and pregnancy .Establish new rules of how things are to work from now on with boys and dates etc. You'd like her to inform her parents of where she is at all times and with whom. Be prepared she may lie to you all with this one. But the act and thought that you care and will be checking up on her story may be a good deterrent. She needs to see an obgyn asap to get the doctor to speak to her about the health concerns etc. Clearly, the girl must have felt "loved" or perhaps was just seeking to fit in her circle of friends - many reasons here- but having had sex already its too late to change that but perhaps now the goal will be to prevent her from continuing to have sex until she is more mature and can handle the consequences. Perhaps when the doctor has to put her through testing to check for diseases now- that will scare her a little.. In reality though-- with the way things are- I honestly believe it will be very hard to stop her from having sex again before 21 ...Give her honest- factual- talk from the heart and let her know that you care and love her very much. You want her to come to you for advice on boys....

If your ex is asking you for help, the most you can do is be supportive. This girl is not likely going to want to talk a lot with you. I would make it known, that you want her to be careful with her choices, not to give it up so easily, and to protect herself as others said. With that said, why is her mother asking your help? She cant talk to her own daughter? I wont go as far as saying the mother is a poor example, because I dont know your situation exactly. This could be one of the reasons it escalated into this. The girl felt lonely and un loved and decided to give it up to a guy that she or he will dump in about a week or two. High school sweethearts rarely make it to marriage and stay together long term.

Well, first, her mother needs to get her that HPV vaccine and have her put on contraception. Is there anyway you can talk to her boyfriend? I think that he needs a good talking to as well. While it's unacceptable, they will find a way to do whatever they want to do. They boyfriend needs to be made aware that you two take this very seriously. I would even go as far as to talk to his parents.
Your responsibility is to make sure she is safe and makes the proper choices. She needs to know that YOU still love her and will not abandon her. She probably feels a little lost and needing that bond with someone. Give her a little special attention during this time. Sounds like she needs you now more than ever. Good luck.

proof positive that young teens don't need dating, relationships, etc! They need friends & a supportive family. :)

I am sooo sorry that this is part of your family's life. There are cases where the young lady is mature & old enough to make this choice. As a teen, I had a friend who was always wise/mature beyond her age...& had consensual sex at age 13. She truly was not pressured, she truly was ready. We are now in our late 40s & she still wonders how she was so ready....when the rest of us were not.

In your case, it's time to explore what's behind her choices. Find what she believes, find what she needs.....& provide for her. As a parent, I'm on the other end: no dating until 16. :)