I have a 5 1/2 year old daughter, who is generally very happy and charming. She also has a very dramatic, sensitive and emotional personality. Lately she has been asking me why I don't love her anymore, especially when I discipline her for wrong behavior. She is very anxious to please, so it's pretty rare. Mostly I just need to point it out, and she is devastated (but I understand that I still need to provide these rules and boundaries for her, especially as regards her safety and the safety of her younger sister). Much of this had its onset with having the younger sister. She's a great big sister, but I think she feels that I love the little one more (which I know can be typical). This post was precipitated by a request from another mom whose child said she hated her -- I have the opposite problem. My child thinks I hate her! How do I instill values and discipline her without damaging her confidence? My daughter doesn't seem to have this issue with my husband, who is a very hands-on dad (partly because my younger daughter is still so attached to me that the older daughter gets a little jealous). Thanks for any advice you can offer!
Thank you all so much for your words of wisdom. I especially appreciate the perspective of people whose children have grown out of this phase. There were so many great suggestions. I had already tried many of them myself (probably should have included that in my original request), but I will keep slogging on. My usual response has been that the reason I'm disciplining her is BECAUSE I love her. If I didn't care, I wouldn't want her to learn the right things. She seems to buy this until the next time. I've also done two events that were mommy and daughter times, including a night away from home. Unfortunately, all these things seem to work in the moment, or even for a few weeks, and then it pops up again. But I agree with many of you that this is the same problem as the "I hate you" problem (my daughter has tried something similar -- "Is it OK that I love daddy a little more than I love you?", but apparently that didn't elicit enough response for her, so she tried this new tactic!). I'm most relieved that others have had this experience, especially at this age, and the kids do seem to grow out of it. I will also definitely look up all the references given -- they all look great. Thank you all again for the wonderful advice, and solidarity!
I need to make this quick, but I am going thru the same thing with my almost 5 year old. Positive Discipline.org has been helpful and they also have books. It takes a lot of will on the parents part, but just like you, my daughter is so well behaved, intelligent, wise beyond her years with a strong independent heart. I didn't want to break that, but we needed boundaries! Good luck.
Hi L.,
Wow, this sounds really hard. We love our kids so much it must be devastating to think she doesn't know that. My son is also very sensitive and has a flare for the dramatic so I'm afraid this may be in my future as well. That said, sounds like your little one may need some input about exactly what it means for a parent to love a child and what that love looks like. Helping her correct her mistakes and learn to do better IS part of loving her.
With your sweet girls desire to please, she may have gotten it into her head that being good ensures your love for her. Although it seems silly because I'm sure you already tell her that you love her, she may need to you take some time away from the baby and just actually tell her how you feel about her.
It might also help to avoid having the perceived criticism come from you for a while. If possible, let your husband correct her. Otherwise try to phrase it in a way that she knows you are coming from a place of love like "Sweetheart, thank you so much for offering to play with the baby, she sure is lucky to have you as her big sister, but did you forget that I asked you to tidy your room? It's very important to our family that you do your part and take care of our home."
Hope this helps.
T.
When our daughter was five years old, her headstrong nature had just about gotten the best of me, so I took her to the pediatrician and we had a good talk about what was going on. He explained to me that this is a really tough age for kids, and for girls in particular. I found he was right and that, in time, she mellowed out some though her headstrong personality still persists as an adult (and this may be a comforting thought to you... it serves her well in adulthood).
The only suggestion I have to add to what has already been said is that you might try setting aside some special time for each of your girls to have one on one with you during the day so the older one sees that you care just as much for her as for her sister. It may be difficult to convince the younger one to leave you alone with the older sister (and it might be just as difficult the other way around) so you may have to arrange things so one is napping while you have your time with the other, or enlist their father or another adult to be with one while you are having your time with the other one.
Hi, I have a daughter very similar to yours, it sounds like. Along with another daughter and son. My husband and I parent using "Love and Logic." Our kids respond very well to it. The basis is providing loving limits and following through with loving, natural consequences. It teaches kids to be responsible for their behavior and learn to solve their own problems. There are many love and logic books out there. We started with "Parenting with Love and Logic." Good luck!
Children will test you in many ways....Let her know when you are disciplining her that you love her but it is her actions that you don't like. My daughter had the same issue when she was young,and it helped when I started pointing my dislike for what she did rtather than to her. I emphasized it to make that point. I also would remind her that when her brother did things I didnt like it was the same thing....hence no favoritism.
I'm stealing this advice from my pediatrician handbook - make sure your older girl hears you tell the baby at least once a day - "Hold on Baby - wait! I need to do __________ for your big sister!" It's o.k. to let the little one cry or fuss a little while you help or hug the older one once in a while. A 3.5 year old can certainly manage on her own while you give Big Sis a little attention.
As for the other - my son gets really crushed if he thinks I'm mad at him - especially if he KNOWS he did something naughty. So, after a time out I remind him of what he did to get time out and then tell him I will always love him - even when he gets in trouble. It's Mommy & Daddy's job to teach him how to be a good person, a good friend, a good son so he can have a happy life with lots of friends and fun adventures.
I agree with Heather J., this is the same problem as the "I hate you" situation. She is pushing your buttons. "I'm sorry you feel upset. It is not OK to do [whatever she's getting disciplined for]. I will always love you."
For what it's worth, I love the books "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" and "Siblings Without Rivalry" by Faber and Mazlish (http://www.fabermazlish.com/Books.htm) and "The Power of Positive Parenting" by Glenn Latham (http://www.parentrx.com).
Good luck!
Maybe I'm wrong, but it sounds to me like you have the SAME problem, only in different words. "You hate me", in this instance, is the same as "I hate you". Your daughter knows this is going to worry you--you have probably reacted to it before. The proper reaction is simple--"No, dear, I love you, and that is WHY I am helping you to correct your behavior. Now (do whatever she is supposed to have as consequence, be it time out or whatever). Both phrases are simply child trying to make parent feel guilty for doing the less pleasant part of parenting.
You're the Mama--not the friend. You can't be the Nice Guy all the time. As my folks always put it when counseling other parents: "As a parent, you have 18 years to work yourself out of a job"--and you'd really better do most of it in the first 10 or less, or the teen years will be MUCH worse than they have to be!
Hi L.,
Check the web for "Parenting with Love and Logic"...I didn't find it until the kids were older...so it assisted me with the teen years...however, I know it would have saved some very long days if I would have discovered it sooner.
Good Luck,
T.
Hello L.: My little granddaughter suggested I write and tell you what we do. I have reminded my own 5 children while growing up and now grandchildren, that there are set bounderies because I do love them and because I want them to feel safe in my love. I have also been told I need to learn to count because I have never been able to get higher than 5 and they don't like what happens after 4, ( we have stairs they get to sit on and the higher the number the more isolated they are on the staircase since they start at the bottom. I know that being a big sister can be stressful so we have set time and special things that only they get to use and enjoy. Books, bears,etc. these things are not with the general toys but on Papa's special shelf. My little one says she really knows that I love her but likes the power and reasurrance of both saying that I don't or hearing me say that I do. Good luck with the adventure of parenthood, nana G
Hi L.,
Ouch, I'm sorry. I know this must be a really hard thing to deal with. I only have 1 child so I don't have suggestions for you but if you haven't already, you should check out "Becoming The Parent You Want to Be" by Kaiser and Davis. They are all about loving approaches to discipline and general interactions. What I love most is how they help you realize that every moment there is opportunity for teaching and loving with minimal to no effort. My sister is a preschool teacher and she says, "I wish that every parent in my room was required to read this book. It's fantastic!"
You'll get through it and so will she. It's hard to share your favorite person in the world with someone else. Especially when she's always been all yours!
Good luck!
T.
Your post reminded me of a presentation at our last MOPs--Mothers Of Preschoolers--meeting about the book "The Five Love Languages of Children" (author Gary Chapman). He also wrote "The Five Love Languages" which is an excellent book about learning how your partner (and you) percieve love and what actions or words make each of you feel loved the most, and then working to speak that "love language" to your spouse to keep both of your "love tanks" full. Anyway, the same concept applies to children: some children feel most loved when you offer them words of praise, while others feel the most loved when you spend quality time together, and still others need lots of physical touch to feel loved. All of these things show our children they are loved, but most children have a primary "love language" where they need more of one of these things to feel loved (the others are gifts and acts of service). The book tells you how to determine your child's primary love language, and then gives you strategies to keep them feeling loved unconditionally. It sounds like your daughter's primary love language is quality time (this is the child who will go to any length to get your attention, and who is always plagued by the question "do they really love me?"). For these kids, eye contact used in positive (not only negative) ways is really important, having quality conversations and giving them undivided attention, and scheduling some time just for them (30 min before bedtime is one of the best times) are the best strategies. She also may be a "words of affirmation" kid: eyes sparkle with words of praise, needs your opinion to see if she's loved or doing the right thing, and physically winces at harsh words. For these kids, you must be careful about your tone of voice, keep your attitude and mood gentle, and make sure to praise who she is and not just what she does.
Not that you have a lot of time for books with two kids, but this is a quick read and should be available at your local library. I encourage you to check it out!
J.
If you haven't read 'Siblings W/out Rivalry' by A. Faber, check it out-- I read it twice before I even had my second! To answer your specific question, try addressing what she's really saying, which is 'I don't feel loved right now' by saying something like, 'You know, sometimes kids think their parents don't love them when they get punished, but mostly parents punish kids because they know they should-- it helps children learn the rules they'll need to be healthy happy adults, and that's what I want for you.' or something like that.
My girls are 6.5 and almost 4, and being that my older one is also very sensitive and dramatic, I know where you're coming from. I discovered that my older daughter is also very perceptive and can be incredibly manipulative! Many times she'll use tears and accusations of me not loving her as a way of getting what she wants.
What has worked for us is for me to comment regularly about things that ONLY my older daughter can do. For instance, I will say, "Wow, it is so great how you're reading books all by yourself now! Isn't it fun to be able to read whatever you want, whenever you want?" or "I noticed how beautiful and graceful you were in your ballet class today! You were the best one in your class at the barre!" or even just commenting that I love the outfit she picked out for herself. Anything that allows her to feel special for being the older one. (By the same token, I also do try and notice things that my little one does that are special.) And, when the two girls are playing together and getting along great, I will compliment them both on that. Now that I have really been trying to notice the many good things they do, there has been a decrease in negative-attention-getting behavior.
That being said, there are times when I do need to correct my older daughter, and she does tend to cry about it. I just tell her, "It's my job to make sure you grow up into the best person you can be. I will always love you, I just don't love that you took your sister's toys away and hid them from her." So she understands that it was her actions that I had the problem with, and that I'm correcting her out of love in order to make her a better person. (Although she will still cry and carry on - no getting around it, I'm afraid!)
Oh gosh. My heart goes out to you both. Keep telling her you Love her. I'm sure you do that already. I have a one year old and a 4 1/2 year old. I frequently tell the littler one that "I Love him and his big brother" so that big brother can hear it. I think it helps when they hear you tell someone else that you Love them. Anyway, Good luck... :)
Sounds like she is trying, in her own way, to tell you she wants her own special time with you. The younger child takes up a lot of your time and needs more, different type of attention. I would set aside a day that is just for you and her. Or, take her somewhere where just the two of you can do whatever she wants. She needs mommy time. Try it, I bet you will find she doesn't take discipline so personally anymore. Good luck
